[abc_abc_abc]

Hi,
I'm really begin to hate men because I feel used all the time.
I'm almost 30 and I want to have BF , get married and have kids.

I moved to USA from former USSR less than 1 year ago.
I don't have a problem to attract men, but have problem to keep them(sorry for my English.. ha-ha-ha)

All they want here is friendship that means just to have sex without any responsibility, just to have fun.

1. First one
We keep in touch, he lives in another state. We dated in different cities 4 or 5 times.
He is really smart, educated and I felt that I love him.
But he doesn't want to marry anyone and have kids. Like he said he is dissaponted because his ex's always cheated with other guys and he is too old to have kids(38) and kids doesn't give a freedom because he likes to travel.
From other side he is ready to come to see me or invite me to see him.
We talk on the phone like 1 times/2-3 weeks and sometimes online.
We are not BF and GF, he always call it friendship, sometimes he flirts more and more, always compliments and how much he likes me, but stll that stupid friendship.

And after my last visit him I felt sad and I don't want to spend time with a person who hasn't plans like me. It is like a wasting of time and playing games. I don't have sex just for sex, for me sex is like a love. I need someone to take care of me and me to take care of my man.

2. Second one
After I got that nothing serious with First one I decided to be open for others.

I saw him 3 times.He lives in another state too.
Slept on the third time. He acted like he is in love. I'm naïve idiot of course decided "wow, I met my love". After night he told me "call me, call me", I did 2-3 times, not answer and never hear from him anymore.
That's nasty!

3. Third one
I meet him in the night club. He looked at me and came himself to talk to me. After some basic questions I asked him what does he do here because it was not real gay club, but something like that, just my drunk friends wanted to dance.
He told me he is a gay, I let him know that I'm sorry for myself and that night we went to my place.
I really didn't understand why gay gay sleeps with a girl, maybe he is a bi, but it really doesn't matter.
The funny thing is that he is from another city too:D
He called me once at night and texted that would love to see me soon.
And in 2 weeks we meet again.He acted like he is happy and like me very much.
And after that I texted him, he texted back, but I felt it is just like 2 nights-stand for him.

I'm like stupid idiot always do the best, look perfect, clean my place better than always,cook, wash them, some massage and so on.
I met other guys, but I didn't date with them, loosers or not my types and so on.
All I want just BF and love somebody and to feel it from them too.They don't understand how much they hurt me. I really feel used and idiot.

I don't know what to do. I'm really dissaponted and I don't want repeat of that scenario again. I don't know where to meet a good guy here:confused:

[abc_abc_abc]

... and I thought about that too much. Why do they run away after 2-3 dates. Seems like they scaried of something, maybe my qualities... I don't know. Or maybe do I expect too much when they just want to have sex for 1-2 times?

[troy70]

1. It seems you sleep with a guy and find love? WRONG.

2. Try dating someone not from another state? Dead give away there just looking for a good time.

3. Guys at night clubs are always down to hit it and quit it!

4. Get active in your community. Search online and get involved in a local group doing the same things you like to do. Best way to find new trustworthy friends and guys on the same page as you!

[troy70]

Oh and to add... Make the guys chase! I'd rather invade your mind then your bed sheets! So play hard to get and carry yourself better and you should attract guys that aren't looking for the one night stand.

[abc_abc_abc]

Thanks, Troy

1. It seems you sleep with a guy and find love? WRONG.

Oh and to add... Make the guys chase! I'd rather invade your mind then your bed sheets! So play hard to get and carry yourself better and you should attract guys that aren't looking for the one night stand.

Do you mean I go to bed too fast?
If you mean that I thought about that and it isn't my style, you know I don't want to play game "work hard to get me".
We talk about everything , I mean many things, it isn't like get bored or just about sex, I'm really not a doll.
I can try to play that game , but I really don't like to be a fake.
It will be like "by the rules of humans you must sleep after 3 months"

And you know it seems to me that I work hard, but they don't , it is like a woman's work... to catch him, to be inetersted... and what do I get back? Just 20 min of sex and than sad days and questions :(

[Gemini54]

Dear abc, I have only one word for you - DESPERATE.

You want a BF, you want to be married, you want kids. All they see is a desperate Russian immigrant (please don't be offended).

Guys can sense 'desperate' miles off - in another state in fact. They can smell it, taste it and see it. They want to avoid it at all costs because it makes them feel uncomfortable and used.

Troy is right. You're looking in all the wrong places for a good man. You won't find one interstate, you won't find one in a nightclub or bar, you probably won't find one on a dating site or on the internet.

You need to start living your life and enjoying it. Do something that is useful and that you enjoy. Make friends, go to the movies, join a cooking club, take a course. Do it for yourself - NOT because you think finding a man will be the solution to all your problems.

You will be so busy living your life that you won't feel desperate any more and you'll attract someone who you value and who adds value to your life - not someone who is a loser.

[abc_abc_abc]

Thanks, Guys!
Yes, I' sure there are some true in your words and advices.
You know I'm busy with my life now, when you move to another country you feel like on the moon. You need a lot's of things to do and understand, but anyway it doesn't help, I mean when you are busy by yourself. Maybe I'm too Russian, but I don't believe in the happiness of single people who are so far to be teenagers.

Ok, I will try to do something different!
Thanks ;-)

[summer7]

Hi Sweety,
OK, lesson #1. You won't find Mr. Right at a gay club. Lesson #2. Look for a guy in you own state.

I can really see how frustrated you are and it just seems like you are racing against some internal clock to meet a guy. I keep giving the same advice over and over but the best place to meet people and guys especially (for me at least) is if you join a club or group or some team activity. Figure out what you love to do. There you will meet people with similar personality traits, even. You might also be experiencing some issues with communication and relating styles with the guys you are meeting right now. Well, if you are involved in a club, you will more likely find people similar to you.

As far as the sex goes, don't give in too soon. Guys like the chase. There is only one game you need to play and that is the "hard to get game". I'm serious. I wish I could whisper this in your ear instead of posting it and get all the guys out there mad at me, but it's true. They won't trust you if you sleep with them right away. It's not safe to do this and you need to protect your heart and emotions. Also, it scares guys if you start talking about your plans for the future on the first date.

Pick up a couple of books on relationships... There's probably a lot of information you can get on the internet. You will meet someone wonderful. Just relax... Good luck.

I also want to add that I am happy to have seen your note. There is a new Russian girl at work and I will make it a point to reach out to her and see that she is well connected with some new friends.

[bjohnrupp]

Ok not to sound harsh but you sound really pathetic. Don't take that the wrong way but I couldn't believe what I was reading when I read your thread. I mean do you have any clue about dating/relationships? These guys are just using you for a quick lay and they probably find you so annoying that they do you once and then disappear. Can't you find a guy that lives within 1/2 hour from you? No guy wants to hear about wife/ marriage stuff on the 1st date. Maybe you should go back to Russia because you're obviously on a different page.

[Cat1864]

Hi,
I met other guys, but I didn't date with them, loosers or not my types and so on.

I am wondering if you are choosing the wrong men on a subconcious level while passing over some that might have been better picks because it might have taken more work to get to know them.

I think you are giving yourself mixed messages. Choosing to date men who live in a different state than you do, makes me think you aren't quite as ready to "settle down" as I think you want to be. However, it also sounds like you may overwhelm the men you date and yourself with "showcasing" the domestic skills that you would bring to a marriage.

It might be an idea to slow down and think about what you really want.

[bjohnrupp]

I am wondering if you are choosing the wrong men on a subconcious level while passing over some that might have been better picks because it might have taken more work to get to know them.

I think you are giving yourself mixed messages. Choosing to date men who live in a different state than you do, makes me think you aren't quite as ready to "settle down" as I think you want to be. However, it also sounds like you may overwhelm the men you date and yourself with "showcasing" the domestic skills that you would bring to a marriage.

It might be an idea to slow down and think about what you really want.

Good point!

[talaniman]

You have only been here a year, so take the time to get used to the American way of life, and you can enjoy it with good clean adult fun.

SEX doesn't equal marriage. Nor does dating. Find a guy get to know him well first, then you can see if he is partner material, or just someone to have fun with. That takes time.

You really do kiss a lot of frogs before one turns out to be a prince.

[summer7]

Hi Sweety,
Just thought I would say hello. Hope you are feeling better than you were the other day.

Stay positive... Things always get better. I hope you pick up a few books on relationships. It's good to learn some tips from the experts. Hope you have a fun weekend. You might meet a nice guy. Don't sleep with him too soon.

[abc_abc_abc]

I mean do you have any clue about dating/relationships?

With Americans no, that's why I write here.
In my country you can easy understand it is one night-stand or more, here they act like they are in love and than jump away, that is a kind of "cheap" style for me.

Can't you find a guy that lives within 1/2 hour from you?

Well, I didn't meet any 1/2 hour from me, I live in criminal area, don't think it is the best place for dream-man:D but best place to find any kind of drugs:D

No guy wants to hear about wife/ marriage stuff on the 1st date.

I'm really not so stupid.

Maybe you should go back to Russia because you're obviously on a different page.

Not every Russian is from Russia, there are 15 countries/republics and I'm Russian from one of them. You need to get better education:D
Why do I need to go back? Just because I met a few idiots and have some misunderstanding with mentality of American men? Dear, it will get some time, for sure.

Have a good week-end:D

[abc_abc_abc]

OK, lesson #1. You won't find Mr. Right at a gay club. Lesson #2. Look for a guy in you own state.

Right!

I keep giving the same advice over and over but the best place to meet people and guys especially (for me at least) is if you join a club or group or some team activity.

Yes, I started to think about that.

As far as the sex goes, don't give in too soon. Guys like the chase. There is only one game you need to play and that is the "hard to get game". I'm serious. I wish I could whisper this in your ear instead of posting it and get all the guys out there mad at me, but it's true.

Thank you so much. I even told about your post one of my American friend, she has the same problems with men like me:D

They won't trust you if you sleep with them right away.

Ok, but I really don't understand this logica and connection between sex and trust :confused:

Pick up a couple of books on relationships... There's probably a lot of information you can get on the internet.

That's what I really not going to do. The life in the books and magazins isn't like in reality. That's why many women believe in perfect relationship that very hard to find, because we watch drama-movies and believe it is like that in life.

You will meet someone wonderful. Just relax... Good luck.

Good, good, thanks!!

I also want to add that I am happy to have seen your note. There is a new Russian girl at work and I will make it a point to reach out to her and see that she is well connected with some new friends.

Take care of her, but be careful ,if you meet Russian you are in trouble:DSecond World's War history:D

[abc_abc_abc]

I am wondering if you are choosing the wrong men on a subconcious level while passing over some that might have been better picks because it might have taken more work to get to know them.

you know why? Because for me a sexual attraction is important too. I see there are many "right" guys, but I can't date them if I don't feel I want him, even if he is smart and you can say he will be a good boyfriend . Just get bored fast. Seems I always liked bad guys=playboys...

[amicon]

Try building a friendship with a guy before thinking about romantic relationships. I don't know a lot about the American dating scene as I live in England and grew up in Sweden and I assume all countries are different. However when in Rome etc. There are many nice men in the world but you ll not find them until you let go of 'having' to be in a relationship I e when you re comfortable being with yourself and happy being you.

[summer7]

Lock on the underwear... great idea. Now, don't give them the key when you first meet them! Ha-Ha-Ha

[summer7]

Hi abc,
I completely understand you when you mention having to feel an attraction. Yes, those "bad boys" can be verrrrry sexy! Just protect your heart that you do not have so many disappointments that you will find it difficult to trust or "love" when the right guy comes along.

Oh, what I meant by "the guy might not trust you if you sleep with him too soon" was that the guy might really like the sex with you but he will be thinking that you do that with all the guys. So, even if he really likes you, he might be thinking that you do that with all the guys and will not trust you.

About reading on relationships... You are living in the US. The people here, the culture etc. are different from yours. The relationship books here are written with Americans in mind since they market the books here. The research done for the books is based on "this" culture. By reading these books, you will get an idea as to the way (in a very general sense) the people think. It does not mean that you will adopt this way of thinking but isn't it a good idea to get as much information as possible so that you can understand why this culture thinks and behaves as it does?

I will give you an example about myself... I am still in school and also have a job. It is my first corporate job with a huge international company. You described feeling as though you are on the moon here. Well, this is my country and I felt like I was on the moon at this company (in my own country). The people seemed to speak a different language. The behavior is completely different. There are rules and regulations and customs that are not spoken about but you are "expected" to know them. I found myself in situations where I needed to "watch my back" and understand the politics. I honestly did not think I would make it. I read all the books I could about the American corporate environment, the people and the structure. Having all this understanding and knowledge has helped me to survive and thrive at the company. I learned how to be myself and still function within this system. Knowledge is power! Hope this advice helps.