Boyfriend wants to see what else is out there

confusedrebecca · Sep 27, 2009, 01:44 PM

I am new here, but totally heartbroken & lost, and really need guy’s view point & everyone's advice. Thanks for help in advance...

I am 27, in 1.5 years of relationship with my boyfriend of 28 yrs old, and I love him so much. We exchanged our promise ring, and talk about getting married in a year or so. Recently, I felt he became distant. Last night, I could not reach him at all, and realized he was not available every Friday night lately. So, I did my research, and guess what, I found out he posted his profile on multiple dating sites, and has been active. I was heart broken.

I confronted him with tears today. I told him I have been faithful for him since we met, and he should do the same thing for me. He was upset about my confrontation, and told me that he would marry me someday but now, and he likes to explore 1or 2 years to see what else is out there. He told me he would be faithful once marred, and that’s why he needed the experience right now. He is telling me that he will still see me every weekend, even though he is trying to see someone else, and I should not take it as a big deal (?). He is also saying that he does not like a promiscuous girl, and I should stay with him no matter what he does. He told me “You are telling me you are not interested in anyone, I will marry you in a couple of years anyway, and you should be with me.” I was speechless, and asked him to leave. He was very upset, slammed the door, and left me even without apology.

I had a sleepless night, and I have cried all day long. I was in denial, but now I know he has been cheated on me. How could he do it to me? I am totally shocked and confused. I am very angry, and my brain is keep telling me that I should break up with this cruel person right now. However I am so scared to loose him. My heart says I should be with him unconditionally. I love him so much, I will regret if I loose him. What should I do? I am totally lost and need help big time. Can you please give me any advice? What should I do?

redhed35 · Sep 27, 2009, 02:02 PM

What should you do?

Jump for joy that he is gone out the door..

He does not love you, expects you to wait for him,possibly,if he does not find someone he considers better.. so he is off having sex,yes sex with other women while you sit and cry..

Does that sound fair?

He has some neck to say that to you,and feel that you have wronged him in some way,cause your upset that he wants to get his rocks off!

Change the locks,call your friends,call your family,gather support around you,and thank your lucky stars you did not marry this man.

ZoeMarie · Sep 27, 2009, 03:12 PM

Had to spread the rep redhed.

Did he seriously think you'd believe him when he said he would marry you but not now because he needed to see what else is out there? If he wanted to marry you he wouldn't need to see what else is out there. What a load of BS. Be glad you found this all out now and not further down the road.

Wondergirl · Sep 27, 2009, 03:18 PM

he does not like a promiscuous girl

And you are supposed to be happy with a promiscuous boy?

Cat1864 · Sep 27, 2009, 04:02 PM

It is time to say good riddance to that individual and give him his ring plus whatever else of his you have. Then begin No Contact. Have him return your belongings via family or friends. There shouldn't be anything left to say after that.

He isn't only insensitive he is putting your health at risk by his playing around.

I wouldn't believe a syllable he says about being faithful after the wedding. I would be afraid he was setting up dates with the catering staff or bride's maids.

Let him play with his promiscuous women that he doesn't like.

You can find a real man who knows that love is more than a word and that a promise means something.Don't let his stupidity make you think that all men are like him. There are many more who respect their relationships.

Don't let his actions cause you to doubt yourself. He is the one with the problem not you and letting yourself take any blame for his infidelity will tear your self-esteem and respect apart.

It won't be easy but you will survive and be stronger for getting rid of him.

jimseekinadvice · Sep 27, 2009, 07:41 PM

He's trying to keep you as a safety net. He wants to explore, while keeping you and trying to make sure you don't look for anyone else in the process. This is the definition of selfishness. No contact, disappear from him and never return. Find a real man who will stay faithful and committed for the long haul. Do not believe the "i will be faithful once married" bit, that's just a line to try to keep you.

CanIBuyAClue · Sep 27, 2009, 09:58 PM

As others have said, that is incredibly selfish on his behalf. Begin NC right away, you will not be anybody's backup. I honestly cannot believe that this guy has the nerve to even say this to you. When my ex started asking me about marriage (after a little over a year of dating) and I said eventually, but not right now and I told her it was because I didn't think we were ready financially, relationship-wise, her still being in school, etc... all what I would consider valid reasons (she broke up with me like 3 weeks later because "I didn't have the same time horizons as her" lol... but you get my point). His reason for not wanting marriage to go out and date other women and then coming back to you is bogus. Drop him like it's hot.

makapuu · Sep 28, 2009, 03:38 AM

It sounds like he does not respect you. If you stay with him, then you don't respect yourself either. You can love someone unconditionally and still keep your self-respect. Parents do it all the time when they "cut the umbilical cord" and kick their kid out of the house for their own good.

confusedrebecca · Sep 28, 2009, 01:02 PM

Thanks for all the support.
I know it is clear as black and white. I have no intention to be fooled by his lie, and will go my way separately. I just cannot believe he had such an animal inside of him, and obviously I was blinded by his sweet talk. It hurts so bad though, and I do not know what to do to forget this pain.

I am keep saying to myself, I must be Ok after for a while, but I just cannot stand the image that he is with someone. It is totally disgusting.

redhed35 · Sep 28, 2009, 01:06 PM

If you read the stickies on no contact they really give great advice and tips to stay strong and recover...

If you need to vent there is always someone here to offer advice and support.

amicon · Sep 28, 2009, 01:11 PM

You ve made the right choice.
The pain will go away.
Good luck.

Cat1864 · Sep 28, 2009, 01:16 PM

If you need us, someone will be here. Rant, questions, need ideas... All you have to do is keep adding to this thread.

Good luck. :)

adam_89 · Sep 28, 2009, 01:41 PM

Wow, it doesn't matter what you are thinking right now, just get in your mind to get this piece of crap out of your life. I am sorry for being mean here but after reading that it really makes me mad that someone could do that to somebody. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve his bullsh!t. Kick his lousy a$$ to the curb and be happy about it. You should never even consider marrying him in the future, nor seeing him again. He can't treat you like a piece of candy and try out the different flavors and see which one he likes the most.

confusedrebecca · Sep 28, 2009, 01:59 PM

Originally Posted by adam_89

just get in your mind to get this piece of crap out of your life. I am sorry for being mean here but after reading that it really makes me mad that someone could do that to somebody. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve his bullsh!t. Kick his lousy a$$ to the curb and be happy about it. You should never even consider marrying him in the future, nor seeing him again.

Adam,
I agree. I love your post. I am smiling in tears. I am actually in much better position than he is. I have a better job, more popularity, better looking, and never had a problem to be asked out. I just tried to be loyal, and he took it as granted.

When we started to go out, he was so self conscious about my popularity, and I have tried to stay in low key to compromise him. He must misunderstand, consider me as fool, and took advantage from me. Yes, he is a piece of crap inside and out. I will not be able to touch the disgusting creature anymore even though he begged me to do so. He seems a fatal dieses to me now. I am going to tell my family about his behavior tonight. I am pretty sure my father and brother will be really mad, and try to shake him hard.

adam_89 · Sep 29, 2009, 05:44 AM

I am glad you have such a leverage over him and feel better about the situation. Someone so stupid as he deserves a good shake to make him realize what he has just done. He will never get another girl as good as you and he realizes that and that's why he wanted you to stand on the sidelines why he took the snaps for awhile. That in my book and about everyone else's book is very unacceptable. The day will come when he realizes what he done and you will be happy again and far better off.

confusedrebecca · Sep 29, 2009, 06:07 AM

Originally Posted by adam_89

He will never get another girl as good as you and he realizes that and that's why he wanted you to stand on the sidelines why he took the snaps for awhile. That in my book and about everyone else's book is very unacceptable. The day will come when he realizes what he done and you will be happy again and far better off.

Adam,
Once again your kind words made my day, and helped me heal my wounded self esteem. Thanks again. You make me more cry.

Here is update.
When I came back from work last night by 9 pm, he was waiting for me in front of my apartment with flowers, and asked me if I was OK. I even did not look at him, did not answer anything, and refused to take the flowers. While I was opening my door, he was telling me he did not sleep with anyone, but had casual date with some girls he was not even into it. He said he did not know why he did it, and he did not even enjoy it. I asked him how long he had done it, and he could not even answer. It is totally empty lie, and only disgusting. I said we were done, and came to my apartment and locked the door.

He called me later about 4,5 times. I finally picked up the phone, and I told him "we are done and there is no hope, and I do not want to see him or hear from him anymore". He yelled at me I was overacting. What a jerk! I hung up the phone, and cried all night. I am very confused what I have to believe in from the whole 1.5 years of relationship with him. I do not believe any single word he said to me anymore. I cannot believe I was so fool and blinded. I feel like he stole my life for 1.5 years from me.

amicon · Sep 29, 2009, 06:15 AM

Try not to see it as if he stole this time from your life.
All relationships are experiences and we learn and grow from what we go through.
You found out what a jerk he is now not years down the line.
You ve done the right thing now stay strong and never have anything more to do with him.

Cat1864 · Sep 29, 2009, 06:18 AM

Originally Posted by confusedrebecca

When we started to go out, he was so self conscious about my popularity, and I have tried to stay in low key to compromise him. He must misunderstand, consider me as fool, and took advantage from me. Yes, he is a piece of crap inside and out. I will not be able to touch the disgusting creature anymore even though he begged me to do so. He seems a fatal dieses to me now. I am going to tell my family about his behavior tonight. I am pretty sure my father and brother will be really mad, and try to shake him hard.

I would almost bet that this is a habit of his. Try to break down the self-esteem of one woman so that she accepts what he wants even if it is playing around. It is so nice to see a plan like that back-fire.

You definitely deserve better than him. I just hope your father and brother are careful not to 'shake him' too hard. I wouldn't want them crossing a line and the law getting involved. They don't need to deal with this idiot any longer, either.

adam_89 · Sep 29, 2009, 06:23 AM

What he did was wrong, but I do ask that you try and move forward, that is the only thing you can do. We can't stay and live in the past forever. We can only move forward and hope things get better from that moment on. You did a very good thing not giving into him. Does he really think there is a difference in cheating whether it be going on dates with someone or having sex with them? He still chose to have a commitment with you and he broke it. Dumb guy and very undeserving. You seem like a sweet girl and deserve something great. Just don't take your feelings from this relationship into the next one.

confusedrebecca · Sep 29, 2009, 06:37 AM

I would almost bet that this is a habit of his. Try to break down the self-esteem of one woman so that she accepts what he wants even if it is playing around.

Cat1864,
I agree with you every single word you said. I realized he controlled me, and I allowed him to do it to me. He always told me "I like nice girl, and nice girl should be bla bla..." to get what he wanted. He destroyed my self-esteem to contol me easily as he wanted. It will not happen to my life again.

I have not talked about him to my family yet, but I have to someday, because my father and his father are very close, they play golf every weekend together. I do not think my father & brother want to make their hands dirty physically for this crap, but I am pretty sure they will be very mad about this, and give him very strong warning as family level. My family treated him very well. By the way, he begged me to keep it secret from my family because we should work through by our own(!) last night over the phone. He must feel ashamed. What a jerk again! What have I done!

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