[High Max]

I can see what you're saying there. Just in general that always seems to be what happens. But a lot of times, even having just a little bit of feelings for another person when you are in a relationship plants the tiny seed of doubt. You hope that it doesn't get rained on and grow.

Sometimes it doesn't, other times it does. Why it does for sure is impossible to really say for sure. Peoples emotions and feelings are ever changing and uncertain. So don't blame it on yourself.

[talaniman]

She is questioning herself, which is really normal, given the impact her decision will make on the rest of her life. You can analyze it all you want, but understanding it, is what you must do.

Have you forgotten it was you not being ready for what she wanted, that started this series of events?

She was questioning our relationship. I thought about things and realized that I had feared taking the next step of engagement and had begun pushing her away to delay things a bit because we were very very close

You planted the doubt, and now she must remove it. The very thing you now wonder about, she has wondered also.

Had you been sure as you are now, I seriously doubt a break would have been necessary. Just as you had to give it some thought to see things differently, guess what, it her turn now.

[goggles]

All the advice has really helped me to decide my stance on this situation, and I thought I had it all figured out... until today. She calls me and asks to meet in the morning for breakfast because she needs to talk to me. I agree and meet her. She says that she's thought about it a lot and although she is still unsure, she is willing to work on things, but because she is still unsure and doesn't want to be selfish, that she would like for me to decide if we keep trying or just break it off. I think about it while we make small talk about what we did while apart, but before I bring the subject back up, we realize we're late and have to rush off. We decide to meet for dinner to finish the conversation. At dinner, I tell her that I'd like us to work out, but that it is only possible if she truly WANTS to work on things. After she thinks about it, she says she does want to work on things and doesn't want to lose me. However, the whole time and since then she has been very distant, we spoke very little at dinner and even less after she went home. I have no idea where things stand now or what is going on, I'm back to completely lost. Anyone willing to share some more great advice on my current situation? Please :P

[Jake2008]

You know when you make your mind up about something, and you are absolutely sure, and you walk into the boss's office and rip a strip off him, throw in your security card, and tell him where to shove the job?

Then when you storm out of the building, and get in your car, you break out into a cold sweat, realizing that you just made a huge mistake.

You acted on impulse, emotion, and immediate gratification. You had been thinking about doing that for the past 2 years, and now that you did it, you wonder if the job was that bad after all. Sure the boss was a blockhead at times, and you didn't get those sales that would have you in the top 10 and feeling good, but, was it as bad as you thought it was? Was losing the job worth it?

Doubts are natural. The strength and energy comes in action, and sometimes the actions do not justify the result. Cold feet, uneasy feelings that you've really screwed up, and depression sets in because you miss the familiarity of the office, and the routine that you've had for so long.

I think it is like that for her. She's reflecting on all that she had, that she decided to give up. She split without really being 100 percent sure, even though she thought her reasons justified her actions. She's re-thinking what she has done, and in some ways, she is trying to decide if being with you will rekindle the passion she once felt, and is what is there, going to last.

She's testing the waters right now. She hasn't made a commitment, but she hasn't completely severed ties.

I think you are in the same boat that you were. Do you want to start all over with her, or has it just simply been enough, and you want to face a new future with someone who doesn't have the same doubts.

You are in a position of strength right now. Think hard before you dive back into a place that has caused you so much pain.

[goggles]

Thanks for the advice Jake, I'd like to give things another try with her, but if over the next few times we see each other she remains as distant from me, I don't think I can continue to try. I'm not really sure how to explain the feeling I get from her, possibly indifference or maybe she is just overwhelmed and truly confused. I feel like I'm trying to make conversation and be cheerful, but all I get in return are answers like "sure", "that sounds fine", or "it doesn't matter to me." I don't know maybe she's trying to make herself feel free of any responsibility to how this turns out.

[EliteMatchmaker]

This is a typical control ploy. Is she cheating on you, who knows. That fact is if she is, then it's probably with her alter ego. She is conflict. It's like having a coin never feeling sure enough to toss it and call it and feel secure about the decision you've made in the end. Unfortunately, those around someone during this transitory period can get mixed into the shuffle. You don't have to prove to anyone that you have a life. You do. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that. It's pretty great that you're considering all of these things. However, no need to analyze too much. Maybe she feels comfortable with leaving things at your place. Perhaps it's a constant reminder of a Safe place where she experiences cohesion. Congratulations, you are a nice guy! Sit back relax, enjoy her show, and put yourself first. From there you'll know if she wants to tune in and watch, or be an active participant. You're right. Friendship is the foundation. If calls are difficult, then keep them brief and honest. -- All the best, EM

[talaniman]

She says she wants to work it out, take her at her word, and give the signs your willing. That takes a commitment to make a decision, and follow through.

Maybe she is waiting for you to lead so she can see something to hang her hat on, a reason to work with you.

I go back to your original post, where you pushed her away because you were unsure of moving to the next level. When you remove the doubts from your own mind, then she will have no doubts, or conflict in being willing to follow your lead.

At least you will find out where her head is and if your going in the right direction.

She wants a clear commitment to do that. I would do that, and not worry about whether it works or not, I mean, 3 years is a long time to date without a very clear path to follow, wouldn't you agree?

She does need a clear signal as where YOU are going to make a decision. The ball is in your court, you have to play it, to win it, and not worry about outcomes, or competition, or confusion. Just make yourself very clear, and your actions have to match your words.

[goggles]

Thanks all for the advice, and as much as I hate to admit it, turns out I was "that guy" in a way at least. Turns out there was a guy, in a way. It is a friend who lives on the other side of the country, whom she's never met before or really ever has a possibility of meeting. She told me today that she thought about it and she is sure she wants to work things out and was very excited that she was finally sure about something. She told me though they were just friends she had developed slight feelings towards him just because he was very kind to her during our rough period. She was upset, and said she didn't want to lose the friend, but that she was going to tell him she couldn't talk to him anymore because as long as she did we could never truly work on us. She explained that she had only slight feelings for him, but that initiated this break in a way because she had never before in three years felt anything for anyone else and did not know what it meant.

[rewes]

Goggles, The story has a tone of bordom and lonliness. It sounds as if your 3year old relationship has lost the excitement that any new relationship will eventually loose... when it is no longer new.
Let's face it, there is not much that is exciting or unknown about some one who you've been with for 3 years. I don't mean this as a putdown or an insult. Getting to know a person that you are attracted to. . IS exciting. When you get to know them, now they are someone who is familiar.

If you had future plans together, there would be something to look forward to, that may keep the relationship tight and alive during the bland periods of your 3 years together. A future business, an engagement, children, or a celebratory trip upon graduation may give her a reason not to over analyze the everyday ho hum times.

I kind of think that if you were inclined to want to get engaged.. . You would have made it more apparent in your original question. If you are unsure.. . DON'T DO IT!

I can't help wondering what would happen if a new guy who sparked her interest came into her life. Would she still be questioning her relationship with you or would she feel the thrill of the unknown and take the space she says she needs without coming back. Probabley, cause she's not alone and lonely. She may stay away as long as the new relationship lasts. Then return.

Another thought that comes to me is; it may be better for her to have someone than no one. When she takes her space, she probabley gets lonely. When she returns... after a while, the same hohum atmosphere sets in. Nothing is new and exciting. Just the same as it used to be. At least she's not alone. Ya know what I'm talking about ?

I could go on and on with this but I'm sure you get the idea. It's all human nature.

Good Luck

PS True love is what keeps relationships alive through the bland times.