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mr_X · Sep 5, 2009, 03:02 PM

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We both believe in being honest in our relationship so whenever one of us has a question we just ask. The other day I was playing around saying how I couldn't date a girl that had been in a 3some she then told me how she had been in a 4some (2guys 2girls). She told me they were all "friends" and got really messed up one night and it just happened. Now this happened way before me but me being a guy and knowing how guys think I know she got suckered into it. We have been together this long and none of those "friends" ever call her. Basically my dilemma is should I be bothered by this or should I let the past be the past? It really bugs the hell out of me for some reason

bronzebabe · Sep 5, 2009, 03:53 PM

If it was before you, it has nothing to do with you. So leave it alone. Nothing good can come of bringing it up.

Catsmine · Sep 5, 2009, 04:50 PM

If you've been together for 6 months can we assume you've both been tested for all the nasty things? If yes and you're both clean then it's over. If not, then go.

Synnen · Sep 5, 2009, 04:51 PM

You should get over it.

She can't change her past--and would you really want her to? Her past made her into the woman you love today.

If you CAN'T get over it, then better to move on now, because you certainly can't CHANGE that it happened.

Being honest is all well and good, but aside from talking about possible problems and hangups that may have resulted from previous encounters (rape, molestation), and whether activities may have given an increased chance for STDs, then the past should stay in the past.

NEITHER of you needs to know the details of the other's previous sex life.

britEl · Sep 5, 2009, 06:31 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

NEITHER of you needs to know the details of the other's previous sex life.

I agree with everything you said but this, I think that if they are being sexually intimate together they should share some details, as in what they enjoy/dont enjoy. They shouldn't have to go into detail like with who it was but maybe how many partners they have had. These topics however Are on a need to know basis, but if they are willing to tell each other stuff like this then it shouldn't matter. But I would say a just in case STD check should be in order.

Synnen · Sep 6, 2009, 08:57 AM

The reason I say no details is because anyone who IS fixated on the details is looking for a reason for the relationship to fail.

For example: My husband knows that before I met him, I had sex in a canoe. He doesn't know when that was, or how old I was, or which previous boyfriend it was. I wouldn't tell him the rest of those things if he asked.

Some people (ESPECIALLY guys) get caught up on that whole number thing, too. As in--they're okay with 1 or 2, but freak out about 7 previous partners for their partner.

britEl · Sep 6, 2009, 08:59 AM

Ahhh I understand, fair enoughh

shazamataz · Sep 6, 2009, 08:59 AM

There's a difference between being curious about things someone has done in the past, to being paranoid about the past.

rennere · Sep 6, 2009, 10:00 AM

Everyone has some sort of a past, accept it, it's not a big deal. She's with you now so it doesn't matter at all really. Enjoy!

hollylovesbrandon · Sep 6, 2009, 01:32 PM

Everything has been said. It's the past for a reason. She is who she is because of her past and if you love her then would you really want her to change anything? I don't think so. Get over it, move on. She was honest, that should stand for something right?

Gemini54 · Sep 6, 2009, 08:10 PM

I see it this way. If you claim to value honesty in your relationship, and she revealed these details to you, in all good faith... then you just have to wear it.

As other posters have said - it's in the past and that's where it should remain. It can't be undone.

What I would however be asking, if I were you, is why it bothers/bugs you so much. It actually says something about you, not about her.

Think about it and let it go.

mr_X · Sep 7, 2009, 03:54 PM

You guys are right. I will get past it. The only reason I was bothered by it was the fact that this was something I didn't want one of my girlfriends to have done. Almost like a list of things people know they can't stand ex. Someone who smokes.. this would be easy to spot within the first week of dating someone but a 4some? I feel bad because yes it was before me but its one of those things that only people who have been in that situation could truly understand

mr_X · Sep 7, 2009, 03:59 PM

I know that sometime us men get caught up in the number game but for a woman that just turned 23 having slept with 31 people considered average or above?

Catsmine · Sep 7, 2009, 05:17 PM

Originally Posted by mr_X

i know that sometime us men get caught up in the number game but for a woman that just turned 23 having slept with 31 people considered average or above?

Again, if the tests come out clean, what does it matter?

Gemini54 · Sep 7, 2009, 06:38 PM

Originally Posted by mr_X

i know that sometime us men get caught up in the number game but for a woman that just turned 23 having slept with 31 people considered average or above?

Who cares? Clearly you do.

hheath541 · Sep 7, 2009, 07:21 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

The reason I say no details is because anyone who IS fixated on the details is looking for a reason for the relationship to fail.

For example: My husband knows that before I met him, I had sex in a canoe. he doesn't know when that was, or how old I was, or which previous boyfriend it was. I wouldn't tell him the rest of those things if he asked.

Some people (ESPECIALLY guys) get caught up on that whole number thing, too. As in--they're okay with 1 or 2, but freak out about 7 previous partners for their partner.

A canoe? Seriously? OK, leaving that alone, now.

Back to the OP. as everyone has already said, let it go. It happened before you were together, so it doesn't matter anymore. She can't change it and it's not fair for you to let it effect your relationship. It doesn't sound like it's something she's planning on repeating, so it's none of your business.

Stringer · Sep 7, 2009, 07:30 PM

I may get some criticism on this, however honesty is one thing and valued but I feel that some things are better just not known or said.

smoothy · Sep 9, 2009, 05:35 AM

There are some things that you just have to let go... this is one of them... there will be plenty more in the future. Life is too short to dwell on things you can't change without time travel. Focus on things you do have control over and on the future.

Surely you have done something you aren't proud of... we all have. Let it go.

hheath541 · Sep 9, 2009, 07:25 AM

Originally Posted by mr_X

you guys are right. i will get past it. the only reason i was bothered by it was the fact that this was something i didnt want one of my girlfriends to have done. almost like a list of things people know they can't stand ex. someone who smokes.. this would be easy to spot within the first week of dating someone but a 4some? i feel bad because yes it was before me but its one of those things that only people who have been in that situation could truly understand

I can't speak from your perspective, but I can speak from the other side of a situation like this.

I've had a threesome. It was completely consensual and with 2 of my best friends. I wasn't talked or tricked into it. It was the only time I've slept with either if them.

About a year after that I was in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship. The fact that I'd been part of a threesome had no effect on my relationship. It was merely a part of my sexual history. I told him that it'd happened, but saw no reason to give details. In the end it was none of his business.

As far as how many people she's been with bothering you, I'd like to give you something to consider. I knew a woman who's 'number' had topped 300 before she turned 30. If her partners could get past that, surely you can get past 31. As long as she's been tested and come back clean, I don't think it should matter if she's slept with 3 or 31 or 300.

If you really care about her you won't let something that petty ruin your relationship. If you truly can't get past it, then you obviously don't care about her that much and it's time to end the relationship.

Cat1864 · Sep 9, 2009, 08:08 AM

Originally Posted by mr_X

but a 4some? i feel bad because yes it was before me but its one of those things that only people who have been in that situation could truly understand

Are you upset because she had a multi-partner sexual encounter or that you haven't?

Is it the possibility that she has more experience than you do? Are you afraid of not being experienced enough to keep her satisfied?

The days of the man having all the knowledge in sexual matters are long gone. It is very permissible for the woman to teach the man what she knows and likes. There is something though that only you can teach/show her: what your body likes. All women aren't the same and neither are all men.