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inthedark09 · Aug 20, 2009, 07:31 AM

My husband told me a few years back that he likes anal sex done to him. I let him know that it doesn't bother me and he has even had sex with a few other men. Everything was fine until a few days ago he was on the computer "chatting" with a guy and every time I walked passed the computer he would minimize the window so that I could'nt read what he was writing. If he knows that I'm OK with him being with other men then why all the sudden is he trying to hide this from me?

danielnoahsmommy · Aug 20, 2009, 07:34 AM

Not to be nosey, but how could you allow this? Why does the computer issue bother you if you already know he is not monagamos? Are you afraid of std's? I'm not judging you I am just curious!

inthedark09 · Aug 20, 2009, 07:40 AM

Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

not to be nosey, but how could you allow this? why does the coputer issue bother you if you already know he is not monagamos? are you afraid of std's? I'm not judging you I am just curious!

I allow this because like I said it just doesn't bother me, I feel like if it's same sex then it's not important. I don't want him sleeping with other women or anything but I guess I just don't feel threatened by other men. As far as the computer goes, no I'm not worried about STD's because he protects himself I basically just don't understand why now he wwants to hide it.

danielnoahsmommy · Aug 20, 2009, 07:41 AM

Could have been that he was embarrassed. Could be he was talking about you! Did you ask him?

headraccoon · Aug 20, 2009, 07:44 AM

Probably whoever he is chatting with doesn't know he's married and he didn't want you looking at mail from his "friends".

Good Luck, I personally don't see a happy ending to this kind of relationship.

Justwantfair · Aug 20, 2009, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by inthedark09

I allow this because like I said it just doesn't bother me, I feel like if it's same sex then it's not important. I don't want him sleeping with other women or anything but I guess I just don't feel threatened by other men. As far as the computer goes, no I'm not worried about STD's because he protects himself I basically just don't understand why now he wwants to hide it.

I commend your open-mindedness, just to clarify though, adultery is sexual contact with another male or female other than your spouse.

The fact that he is hiding it, probably indicates a more emotional relationship that he doesn't want you aware of. You may just be the wife that covers for the fact that he isn't comfortable with his homosexuality.

mudweiser · Aug 20, 2009, 07:45 AM

It's simple really, talk to him. He's the only one that could give you an answer. Let him know since you have an open marriage [which you do] that he still needs to communicate with you. Ask him if he is in a relationship with another man, and let him know that he should be open in what he is doing.

Have you made any ground rules?

Also have you tried pleasing him anally? You could purchase a strap on dildo...

Just a thought.

Sarah

inthedark09 · Aug 20, 2009, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

could have been that he was embarassed. could be he was talking about you! Did you ask him?

No but I did go on Yahoo messenger and read the conversations because I guess he forgot to delete them or didn't think about it. The only thing I found that was surprising was that he told me he only like the sex part as far as men go but that physically he wasn't attracted to the male body and when I read the messages he had said something like: you have a hott body, to the other guy.

hheath541 · Aug 20, 2009, 07:50 AM

If he was cybering he might just be embarrassed about you seeing it. Maybe he's afraid that if it becomes more real to you that you'll start being bothered by it.

Or maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Talk to him about it.

inthedark09 · Aug 20, 2009, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

It's simple really, talk to him. He's the only one that could give you an answer. Let him know since you have an open marriage [which you do] that he still needs to communicate with you. Ask him if he is in a relationship with another man, and let him know that he should be open in what he is doing.

Have you made any ground rules?

Also have you tried pleasing him anally? You could purchase a strap on dildo...

Just a thought.

Sarah

Thank you, you're the only one so far with a helpful answer. Yes we've made ground rules and yes I've tried pleasing him myself but it's not the same he said.

hheath541 · Aug 20, 2009, 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by inthedark09

No but I did go on yahoo messenger and read the conversations because I guess he forgot to delete them or didn't think about it. The only thing I found that was suprizing was that he told me he only like the sex part as far as men go but that physically he wasn't attracted to the male body and when I read the messages he had said something like: you have a hott body, to the other guy.

That could easily have just been to stroke the other man's ego. Not many people want to feel like they're just being used for sex, even if they are. They like to feel wanted and attractive.

Synnen · Aug 20, 2009, 07:59 AM

Open relationships ONLY survive if there is trust, honesty, and communication.

You don't trust him, or he doesn't trust you, if he's hiding conversations. And if you can't ASK him about this, you're just stirring up a recipe for disaster.

Ask HIM why he felt he had to hide it from you.

Ren6 · Aug 20, 2009, 10:27 AM

Have you and your husband talked about his sexual orientation? Do the two of you have an active sex life? It's looking like he's bi or gay, and not wanting you to know that he actually is attracted to men. If anal sex was the main issue, he'd be fine with you doing it to him- but in his case, it has to be guys.

I suggest a conversation about why he was hiding the chat screen from you, and some ground rules. Also, I'm uncomfortable with the whole STD thing. Even if he's being safe (and often, people are not, but say they are), condoms can fail. There's a host of other STDs that can be spread by saliva and skin to skin contact. Please get yourself tested regularly. Take care...

Lashercelt · Aug 20, 2009, 11:28 AM

Because he enjoys sex with men does NOT mean he doesn't love or desire you. Someone on another post suggested that if it were only the sex then a dildo would satisfy his need. I disagree. A piece of rubber/plastic does not feel the same as a real live person. ANYWAY, I have up close and personal experience with this exact issue so I would say to you that it's does NOT matter why he was hiding the conversation from you. HE WAS HIDING. All relationships have to be open with nothing hidden or there is no trust and in the relationship you are allowing it's even more important. Are you not being understanding and more tolerant than most women? The least you deserve is honesty. Demand it and if he won't come clean than there is more there than he's telling you. If there is more to it.. you CANNOT change someone no matter how you feel or no matter how they love you or want the life you share. It is what it is.. don't waste years of your life trying to nail jello to a tree. Good luck to you.
I have lived your life.

smoothy · Aug 20, 2009, 12:06 PM

In this exact case... I think you are right, something more is going on that he is clearly trying to hide.

Kadehadaire · Aug 20, 2009, 01:44 PM

Well, the snooping is not such a good thing... reading his IM's... because "he forgot to delete them"?

I should think that he probably trusted you NOT to read them. But this issue is definitely a trust thing.

Ren6 · Aug 20, 2009, 05:45 PM

Originally Posted by Lashercelt

Because he enjoys sex with men does NOT mean he doesn't love or desire you. Someone on another post suggested that if it were only the sex then a dildo would satisfy his need. I disagree. A piece of rubber/plastic does not feel the same as a real live person. .

Yeah, that was ME. I am not the judgmental type. I'm a lesbian, myself. I never implied that her hubs does not love or desire her. You need to re-read my post before you jump to conclusions. She doesn't specifically say if she is getting equal time with her husband in all of this, so I was curious. I was curious also as to whether they have ever discussed husband's orientation. I know that if I told Mrs. Ren 6 that I was craving penile penetration, but she and a strap-on wouldn't do... I needed an actual guy to do it... we'd be having BIG TIME conversation about what was actually going on with me.

I was curious about the agreement the two of them have. Definitely, he's hiding something. She deserves to know exactly what. Hubs actually told her that he was not attracted to men... and she found a p.m. that proves otherwise.

N0help4u · Aug 20, 2009, 06:29 PM

I agree with justwantfair as well as others
It IS the same male or female.

I say he doesn't want you knowing because then it would be in your face EXACTLY what he is doing. Then maybe you would get upset with him and make him quit. Right now all there is is the verbal agreement which appearantly doesn't register with you his actual actions. If you SEE what he is doing and saying then it is no longer a simple ''Do you mind.. '' ''No I don't mind... "

shamrick1500 · Aug 27, 2009, 01:13 AM

Umm... it sounds like he may have fell into something more than just intimacy. No offense, no disrespect or anything, but it sounds as if he might have fallen for one of his friends. Or, hopefully, he was just getting into detail about , said actions, and was embarrassed, or didn't want you to know the exact details of his encounters, for fear of you being uncomfortable. Just talk to him about it, if he gets upset or defensive, making accusations of eavesdropping, I might be worried if I were you.

smoothy · Aug 27, 2009, 05:00 AM

Why would cheating have to be involved here? There is no indications of it.

Plus... I can see him hiding it because as was mentioned maybe he thought she wouldn't be receptive to it for whatever reason.

I don't know the OP, and I am not pushing a blanket accusation just so that's clear. But a lot of women, particularly women of certain ethnic and geographic regions can be horrible sexually repressed, and be closed minded about things as simple as oral sex, much less anal sex. Perhaps he saw this trait in the OP and decided to saw hearing ridicule about it? Just a thought.