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jadah · Aug 5, 2009, 06:29 AM

I am married since over a year now, but since several months it is really not going well. My husband doesn't show me any public affection nor does he think of "taking" me with him when he s going out an evening. And then, if I am about to go out and have a drink with my friends he flips. Asking me to call him or sms him each 30 minutes. And then 2 weeks ago he did something I am not sure am able to accept. I invited friends over from another country they were about to stay for 1 week and I was showing them around during that time. First evening was supposed to be a BBQ at ours, and some hours before that he just said OK I can't be arsed, took his car and drove down 400kms to stay at some of his friends place for some days. I am a very social person and he is the absolute opposite. He knew that before, and I am even trying to well not really change myself but go with his moodswings so I'm not even going out 80% of the time when I would actually like to see some of my friends. The worst moment happened during the BBQ he called me, started drama and then said. "Don't drink, I don't trust you when you are drunk and anyways I don't trust you when you are sober either". After all of this I just don't know whether I should stay with him or not, on one hand I do love him and I know he loves me to, at least he says so. But should I feel that miserable all the time only because he can't accept me the way I am?

Justwantfair · Aug 5, 2009, 06:32 AM

You married him, you need to explore all your avenues before walking away.
Did you not know these things about him before you were married?
It's time to try counseling so that you can learn to communicate appropriately as you seemed to have skipped that step prior to marriage. How long did you date?

jadah · Aug 5, 2009, 06:38 AM

He changed I ve been with him for about 3 years before we got married and it was so different we did live together from day one practically, I did really hnot expect he would change that much. As well I am trying to talk about it but the only answer I get is :"You know I don't like to talk about those things and I am not good at it" The only moment he starts paying attention to it, is when I start crying

Holly23 · Aug 5, 2009, 06:47 AM

You married him, because you loved him.Try to remember what made you love him so much. But to be honest I get the feeling you don't want to be with.Do what's best for you.

jadah · Aug 5, 2009, 06:53 AM

I do love him but at this very moment he only makes me feel miserable and not happy as he used to.

Holly23 · Aug 5, 2009, 06:54 AM

You can't just give up.Thats not what marrriage is about.Its not always la de da.Its hard work and that's just it.

I wish · Aug 5, 2009, 07:18 AM

Originally Posted by jadah

I do love him but at this very moment he only makes me feel miserable and not happy as he used to.

If you feel miserable, then you have to do something about it.

You're married now, so you need to confront him about your feelings. As a husband, he needs to treat you like a wife. If you cannot work things out together, then you will need to get some professional help, such as marriage counselling.

Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to suffer anymore. He's probably not suffering the way you are, so you have to take a pro-active approach in trying to repair the marriage.

jadah · Aug 5, 2009, 08:09 AM

I guess you are right. I just feel so helpless at the moment as whatever I say isn't taken for good

Holly23 · Aug 5, 2009, 08:28 AM

Well then put your foot down.say your in this marrige to and if he doesn't start to treat you better say you will leave him.

jadah · Aug 5, 2009, 12:38 PM

Think threats will work? Oh well I ll just try to get him to talk to me for real when the right moment pops up

Holly23 · Aug 5, 2009, 03:36 PM

What if the right moment never comes up.
Don't let him have all the control it should be shared.Speak up for yourself woman!

Gemini54 · Aug 5, 2009, 04:17 PM

Originally Posted by Holly23

Well then put your foot down.say your in this marrige to and if he doesnt start to treat you better say you will leave him.

I don't think that ultimatums are the best way to heal your marriage. If things were good between you and now they have got worse, perhaps you need to look at yourself and try to understand what has happened.

Why does he say that he doesn't trust you? Has anything occurred to make him feel like this? Why is he suddenly impatient with you being social?

Before you dump the marriage try thinking about how you might talk to him about these things. He's behaving this way for a reason - ask him why.

Instead of arguing, crying and blaming him - what other strategy you could use to find out what is behind his actions?

Ask yourself how you might have contributed to his behavior.