Do not know what to do

mum2five · Jul 6, 2009, 01:09 PM

I am hoping for some advice -

My partner and I are hoping to get married next May , the problem is where do we do it.
I have a father who is an alcoholic and complete embarrassment ( but he is still my dad) my mother can not tolerate his name let alone having to spend a day with him.
He has a huge family he is 1 of 14 - all big drinkers and they do not all get on so can guarantee there would be conflicts.

My mum and her side of the family are well the opposite.

I have 2 choices -
Do I get married in my own town and have my dad walk me down the aisle and just try to keep him and my mum apart ?

Or do I go to Gretna Green with just my mums side of the family and devastate my dad upon my return?

I am so lost on what to do - can not even set a date as no idea what is going to be for the best.

I am going to upset someone no matter what I do

mum2five · Jul 6, 2009, 01:11 PM

Can I add this is my 2nd marriage - the first was huge white church wedding dad walked me down ailse - he was married back then and behaved (but his drinking is now much worse and his current partner can not keep him under control )

I wish · Jul 6, 2009, 01:12 PM

Do you have to get married in a church? I ask because if you don't get married in a church, you won't need your dad to walk you down the asile.

As for the second part of your wedding day, I suggest that you have two separate receptions to avoid any clashes.

Just Dahlia · Jul 6, 2009, 02:51 PM

1st opinion... Since this is your second marriage, why don't you just do it with the two of you? Then if it's important have a reception later.
Your Dad will be hurt if he's not there to walk you down the aisle (if you have a big wedding) and if he can't stop drinking for that short amount of time there is nothing you can do to avoid it.

2nd opinion... If you want the big wedding and your Dad at the same time, do it!:) Don't exclude anybody! Dad is the only one you will ever have (no matter his faults)

Maybe you should ask him this question and he might think twice about his drinking. A similar thing happened to me and the drinker involved understood the importance of the situation without getting irritated.:)

stevetcg · Jul 7, 2009, 07:02 AM

Simple... only invite the people you actually want there. If someone is known to cause problems, don't invite them. Their feelings are less important on that day than yours. You don't get many days in life where you are allowed to be selfish... take advantage of the one that you are and do things your way.

N0help4u · Jul 7, 2009, 12:51 PM

You tell your mom you want your dad there (if you do want him there) and this is YOUR day.
Then I would have the wedding and reception in a Park or somewhere that isn't so confined that mom and dad would be bumping into each other. Also limit the alcohol and tell the bartender to cut dad off when necessary.

Gemini54 · Jul 8, 2009, 02:00 AM

Talking to the people involved sounds like a good idea to me.

It seems as thought you want both your mum and dad there - well, surely they can all control themselves for a couple of hours to make you happy on your special day?

Since it's your second wedding, is it so important to have your dad 'walk you down the aisle'?
Have a non-traditional type of wedding and reception where your parents are not the focus, and you are. The suggestion about limiting the amount of alcohol is excellent as well - why don't you have an afternoon wedding, and then people won't drink as much.

Also, you don't have to invite all the brawling, drinking relatives - when I got married I just invited good friends and immediate family and everyone understood.

I think that you've got more than just 2 choices, think about it creatively and you'll be sure to have a great day. Just remember, you need to make yourself happy not them.

rino13 · Jul 8, 2009, 02:30 AM

If you and your dad have a good relationship, you tell him up front how you expect him to conduct himself at YOUR wedding! Remind him that this is your day, not just another excuse for him to get drunk. If he is not too far gone, he should respect your wishes, and conduct himself properly. Tell him that if he become a problem, you will have him leave. Invite those who will bring you joy on YOUR special day. Quit trying to make all happy, and concentrate on you and your husband to be! How will he feel if his family has to police you dad and his brothers all night?

Make sure that he knows that you will be mad as mad can be and will dis-own him if his brother and he makes you wedding a disaster!

Tell him these are the terms for walking you down the isle. If he can't abide by them the you'll find someone else, and dis-own him right then and there. Be humble but firm, not y!

Also tell him that there are certain family members that will NOT be invited because the have no manners. I mean you just don't start a ruckus at a wedding. This is a special day for 2 people who plan an making a life together. These days are the easy ones. Wait until your married for 10 years and your spouse has ailments and you go though the big change, and you little darling turn into teenagers, and try to tell you hoe their life is going to be from the age of 13 on. Wait till you have to call the cops on your own child, or worse yet bury one. Remember the hurt you feel when your child asks for a treat, and the car needed tires the washer blew up, the insurance company won't cover storm damage to your roof, and the pipes are in need of some serious work, and you just don't have the $2.00 let alone $75.00 for the newest game for Xbox!

On your 20th anniversary, remember this reply, and smile because you know you made it.

Good luck child!

jillrenee15 · Jul 12, 2009, 03:16 AM

Personally, if I were you, I would elope. Go somewhere the two of you have never been and have a wonderful time. This is your second marriage after all, you've done the white dress church wedding already. This should be about the two of you, making each other happy, and not about your family and their wants/needs. I did elope the second time, to vegas and it was wonderful. We had a 150 person informal reception a month or so later at the local eagles club, but you don't have to do that either. Save your money, spend it on yourselves, and start your life happy without the stress of trying to make everyone else happy.

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