[riotgurl1819]

Ok, so me and my boyfriend have been together for a while now. We've had sex too many times to count, and I have yet to make him . The first time, I just felt like I didn't do enough. Then the times prior to that I had tried every trick in the book that I knew, including oral for about an hour. Now I feel like I'm just not attractive enough. Ive never had this problem before.

A few times I told him he just needed to stop jacking off. And I laughed at it a bit. He'd said he now did it once a week. Since we were already on the topic, I asked him if he was "one of those porn guys" and he said "as a matter of fact, yes i am". At first I felt somewhat relieved because I was raised around guys and I knew it was a natural thing for guys to do such. I asked him if it would make things work better if we just watched porn while we had sex, and he said "id feel like **** if we had to do that." and I came to the realization that he'd just be imagining me to be one of the porn sluts on the internet.

Honestly, I feel a number of ways: inadequate, hurt, angry, and just plain sick

So since I was at first OK with his little secret, I asked him what his favorite site was and he told me. Just out of curiosity I checked it out. Every single woman looked almost exactly the same. (just a little overview: I'm not the average bleach blond with french tips, I'm a brunette that plays guitar, and I have never had a problem with guys wanting me) and I started remembering little things he would tell me he likes about girls. For example: he likes it when girls get french tips on their nails.
And just about every description he gave me fit the uniform epitome of the porn stars on his little web site. Now I feel like nothing I could do would make me feel "accomplished" so to speak. And I've never had a problem like this.

What do I do? He trusts me enough to tell me these things, but it really hurts.:confused:

[topkay]

To be honest, this relationship is not good for you except the man in question is ready to change his sexual habits.

[riotgurl1819]

Here's the thing, I'm going to give him 2 choices... 1.he gives up his little habit and can have me all he wants, or 2. he chooses his hand and those internet sluts and can forget about ever touching me again.

Honestly the likelihood of him growing up for a change seems slim, but I have yet to find out. I don't want a perfectly good relationship to go down the drains because he's a little too immature to appreciate a REAL human body and not just another generic barbie slut. But, he's going to have to make that decision I guess.

I never want him to get the impression that I want him to change something so vital to his being. But if it's that much of apart of him, I don't know if I want to be with someone like that... I don't know
Its so confusing...

[Gemini54]

Look, every guy has a fantasy - but that doesn't mean that's what he wants in real life.

That's why it's a fantasy and it wouldn't be the same if they had it. So I wouldn't be worried about the girls he looks at looking different to you - I'd only be worried if he talked about it a lot and made you feel inadequate because if it. If he's looking at a bit of porn and jacking off once per week - I'd say that was pretty normal.

However, I'm not clear what it is that you can't make him do, as that word got deleted when you posted your question. Are you saying that he doesn't come when you have sex? What is it about his sexual relationship with you that doesn't work?

[riotgurl1819]

OK... haha yeah sorry about that. He has yet 2 "come" the thing that isn't working for me is that he keeps comparing me 2 those cookie cutter porn stars either literally or metaphorically. I know the whole porn thing is not unheard of. The problem for me is that these girls can get him off and I cant. He jokingly emphasizes "i can be a minute man". The thing for me is, sex for me isn't just about me, I like to feel like I'm doing something for him too. And its like no matter WHAT I do, its not good enough. Its almost his addiction, slightly disturbing. I'm trying to weigh the limits on what's just considered normal for a male his age, and if its what's causing this whole screw up in our relationship. I'm not sure how to let him know, but I'm extremely hurt over the fact that he's so much more turned on by these girls and, no matter what, not me...

[riotgurl1819]

And it wasn't always once per week, that was his current accomplishment so far

[hollylovesbrandon]

Sounds like to me that he's too juvenile to understand what he has. He wants a sex partner, a 'porn slut'. Everything he wants in material. Once he's ready to love someone for who they are and what they are then I say, be there for him. Until then, tell him that unless he comes to reality that you aren't having any of it.

[riotgurl1819]

Yeah, I've come to that conclusion now. I'm kind of giving him the little short answer silent treatment. And when the "time" comes, ill tell him, I'm not going to put up with him comparing me.
And honestly he can be soooo cocky, it makes me want to go dominatrix on his *** but he doesn't like that stuff... so yeah. I know I can do better as far as sex goes. He such a sweetheart when it doesn't include the sexual aspect. But at this stage in our relationship I have no reason not to be upset because it holds a decent portion of importance right now...
I mean,sure some girls/guys would say some girls would kill to have some one that doesn't prematurely ejaculate, or has no problems getting up,
But for me sex isn't just superficial anymore and this whole thing was getting old... not to mention the new things that had come to light along the way...

[Gemini54]

It sounds to me like he's not used to having sex with a real woman. If the porn fantasy can get him off, and he's so used to using this fantasy that nothing else will, then he's got problems. (And of course so have you.)

I'd suggest that you should have a frank and honest talk with him. Let him know what's happening for you, and ask him what he thinks might solve it. I guess by talking to him you'll get a sense of his willingness to deal with it, and to join with you in the act of sex rather than having his mind in some fantasy land.

I'd suggest he needs to give the porn a break for a while and focus on connecting with you, a flesh and blood woman.

Also, I wouldn't sulk or give him the silent treatment - just be really straight and tell it how it is. How's he going to understand otherwise?

[riotgurl1819]

Yeah you're right. I've brought it up like a little bit, but he needs it straightforward. I'm just worried he'll be all "confused", but the point is he knows how I'm feeling.
I've brought up issues before, and he gets all uncomfortable.
Normally, id know what to do, but I've never had an issue like this, so ill give it a try. Its just a matter of time and place.
Guys run when you say "we need to talk" haha so bring it up before sex? Or when the mood strikes?

[Rule]

He wants you to feel inadequate and have low self esteem. He is feeding his ego. This is his problem, not yours. Let's look at the big picture: Turn around and walk away. Your to good for him. Besides, you don't want to make his hand jealous do you?

[Gemini54]

yeah you're right. ive brought it up like a little bit, but he needs it straightforward. im just worried he'll be all "confused", but the point is he knows how im feeling.
ive brought up issues before, and he gets all uncomfortable.
normally, id know what to do, but ive never had an issue like this, so ill give it a try. its just a matter of time and place.
guys run when you say "we need to talk" haha so bring it up before sex? or when the mood strikes?

Never before sex! How about when you're in the car going for a drive or walking somewhere. Over dinner can also be good - with a glass of wine to mellow things.

Sure he gets uncomfortable - we all do - but hey, he's a big boy now, and being a big boy means dealing with adult issues. It also means being willing to change things for the person you care about.

I wouldn't start with ' we need to talk' - start by talking about how you feel - you say that he knows how you feel, but guys often don't - they just say they do.

I'd give it a try - test his mettle - before deciding to leave him with his fantasies and his hand.

[smoothy]

#1... almost all guys are "one of those porn guys" we are hardwired to be visual.

#2. As has been mentioned in thread after thread, after thread... ad nauseum on this board.


You have to get over that part of it. Plain and simple... most certainly you do things that buggs him but he lives with it quietly. Nobody is perfect as much as they may want to think they are.

With that part said... he has his own issues. And odds are they are not at all related to porn. There are a whole slew of issues that alone or in combination can conspire to cause this problem. And he needs to see a physician to be diagnosed. Too many young people think they are perfect, invincible... when reality is exactly the opposite. He needs to get in to a doctor, explain the situation to them and be checked out thoroughly to eliminate medical issues first.

[riotgurl1819]

OK smoothy... I understand your whole stance on the porn thing. Ive noticed it in all threads. Chill out. I'm not bumming on porn itself. Hell, even I check it out every once in a while. The problem I'm having here, is he can get off to the bleach blond porn sluts and not to me no matter what I do.

Gemini made a really good point, and yes he has no problem fantasizing and "getting off"
The sex is great on my part, but when it comes to the core, I don't feel sexy enough.

What do I say? Lay off the hand and porn?

And even if he says he will and doesn't I will know...

AND as I've said before in case you haven't noticed, smoothy, I am quite aware that every guy views porn and masturbates but id hope its not to the point that they can't even get off to their own girlfriend...

[smoothy]

ok smoothy... i understand your whole stance on the porn thing. Ive noticed it in all threads. chill out. im not bumming on porn itself. hell, even i check it out every once in a while. The problem im having here, is he can get off to the bleach blond porn sluts and not to me no matter what i do.

Gemini made a really good point, and yes he has no problem fantasizing and "getting off"
the sex is great on my part, but when it comes to the core, i dont feel sexy enough.

what do i say? lay off the hand and porn?

and even if he says he will and doesnt i will know...

AND as ive said before in case you havnt noticed, smoothy, i am quite aware that every guy views porn and masturbates but id hope its not to the point that they can't even get off to their own girlfriend...

I think I'm on to something here based on what I perceive is a bit of an attitude in your answer.

You know a lot of the time both people share the blame and I think there might very well be something you are provoking here, maybe not intentionally, but provoking none-the-less.

If you are copping an even worse attitude with him over something, or some things, you might very well have him recoiling from you. Not too many guys enjoy being nit-picked or nagged and it will eventually be reflected in a lack of interest or being distracted enough to make it more difficult to climax if he does get an errection. And yes that will work the other way as well if the roles are reversed on who is instigating.

And some people, men AND women might keep quiet about what's bothering them until it becomes bad enough that they explode, figuratively, so its very possible he hasn't expressed to you what was bothering him yet..

[riotgurl1819]

But here's the thing. I haven't brought barely any of it up since we had sex last. Im a good girlfriend!
We talk about everything... except this... openly
He's told me if I've done something that bothers him, and I've done the same. Honestly
This is the 1st real problem we've had. I'm a pretty chill girl to get along with, I'm not angry
I'm hurt, that's it.
Really, so you're saying its something I'm doing or not doing?

[smoothy]

but heres the thing. I havnt brought barely any of it up since we had sex last. Im a good girlfriend!
we talk about everything...except this... openly
hes told me if ive done something that bothers him, and ive done the same. honestly
this is the 1st real problem weve had. im a pretty chill girl to get along with, im not angry
im hurt, thats it.
really, so youre saying its something im doing or not doing?

Not really, what I'm saying is he might be bothered by something or some things that he hasn't decided was important enough to bring up...

It might be something you have done or not have done, or have said, but it also might be something totally different and not even related to you, like something at work that's bothering him, it might be a combination of factors not even related to each other. Thing is when you are dating even if you promise complete communication you are still dating, which means you do tend to keep SOME things quiet, much more so than after you are married and all hell breaks loose... figuratively speaking. Its going to be real hard to figure out exactly what it is unless he is willing to be honest and forthcoming with what is bothering him.

And when you are young ( and yeah, 20's and sometimes 30's is still young), you may not be as attuned as you think you are. By that I mean he might not think it's a big deal in his mind, but it is to his subconcious and its effecting him in ways he may not be aware of. Whatever the souce of the issue is.

[riotgurl1819]

O jeez thanks, that makes thing 10 times more complicated... so what are you proposing I do?

[smoothy]

The easy part first... try to be objective and think back to what you might have said to him and how you have said it... try to view that from someone else's perspective... such as how would this look to me if someone siad this to ME.

Now it is possible like I said you said or did nothing... but taking a critical look at ones self can be easier than prying information out of someone else who may be reluctant to speak. That's why I said do that first, and why it's the easiest. But you do have to be objective enough to admit to yourself in case you do think of something. Its likey not something you've done... words and tone can carry more impact... and sometimes without even realizing it (its not always WHAT you say, but how its percieved). Everyone has done that at some point and will again... its human nature.


If that gets nowhere THEN you have to get him to talk, that may not be the easiest thing to accomplish... but be prepared to hear something you may not want to hear, or expect to hear. Like I said... what he percieves may be a bit different than what you intended, but I think that's where a problem lies. And why from a guys perspective, there would be a reluctance or performance issues because he felt like to do it with you it was doing something he was obligated to do, not what he was enjoying to do. In most cases... there always are exceptions to almost any situation... its rarely black and white.

[Synnen]

*I* am proposing no more chat speak.

You are an adult. Type like one.