[bj_1964]

I have been dating a girl for about two months and everything was going fantastic. She has two young children who I got along with great. She told me she was tired of looking and was ready for a serious relationship.

When we first started dating we worked at the same company in different departments. A week after we started seeing each other she lost her job, which was rough on her. I was there to support her and help her search for a new job. Things continued to go good and we grew closer and often talked about a future together. She would often comment about how much she loved me, how good I was with the kids, etc.. All her friends told me how happy she was, and how impressed they were with how well I treated her.

Without much warning everything turned upside down. She told me that she thought she was ready for a relationship, but now wasn’t sure. We both felt that things did move too fast, and agreed to slow it down. We have kept in touch by phone for the last week and I am sensing even more doubt in her about our relationship. She has been very moody and depressed at times, and says it is because of not having a job and the stress of not having an income with two children. She said she needs to get her life together and does not have the time to give me in a relationship. I have asked her several times if she wants to try and make this work, but at a slower pace and she says yes, but yet I can’t even get her to agree to meet with me to discuss things in person. All our discussions since things turned bad have been over the phone. The last time I saw her was a week ago, when she spent the night with me. It was two days later things started going bad on the phone conversations.

I understand the difficulty of losing a job, as I have been through it in the past. I just don’t understand the quick turnabout in her feelings. It was only two days prior to the bad news she had told me how thankful she was that I was there to support her through this difficult time.

Interested in anyone’s thoughts on what I should do. Reading other posts, I am thinking that I should stop contact with her, and let her make the next move. Any suggestions are appreciated!

[charlie123]

First of all, I am so sorry. Relationships are hard & a broken heart hurts worse than just about anything. It sounds to me like you are a great catch & will make someone a wonderful companion. And to answer your question - I think you should give her some space & let her make the next move.

I remember when my husband and I were dating - we couldn't stand to be away from each other. I worked a 9 to 5 job & he didn't get off work until midnight - and we still saw each other a lot. I would sometimes meet him halfway between our houses. The reason I told you that is because you deserve someone that wants to meet you halfway to just talk.

Try not to dwell on it (which is an obstacle for me in my life) & put it in God's hands. Whatever is meant to be will happen.

I also wanted to say that I noticed in your writing that she has children from another relationship & she lost her job. (Believe me - I know that *$%& happens!) But please take a step back & really look at this girl & decide if she is someone you really want to have a relationship with.

Good Luck to you.

[Skell]

You are right. You went way too fast. All these actions of hers are clear indicators that it just went way too fast and now she is having second thoughts. We se it here all the time. People rushing and going so fast that after about 2 - 3 months when the newness and excitement wears off, one party backs off and needs space. We see it almost every week.

Ok, but all is not lost. You are right.. You need to cut contact for a while. If you have tired talking to her and it doesn't work then OK, you have tried. Now the BEST thing you can do is completely cut all contact with her. No phone, no email, no text, nothing whatsoever. Completely disappear as far as she is concerned.

In this time you need to learn what may have pushed her away, how you can slow it down IF you try again.

You need to keep yourself busy though as well. Learn about you, improvie yourself. At the moment this thing seems over.

Seems like another rexample of someone making their partner their life. NOT GOOD> you need to continue doing the things that you did before. Have other hobbies, hang with the boys, play your sports, do whatever. It sounds like you lived in one anothers hip pockets. This gets too much after a while.


As I said I think the best chance you have of rekindling somehting in her is cutting contact. Not just for a day or two. Weeks if need be.

She has asked for space. So give it to her. You may not think it but right now you need it to. You need to gather your thoughts and let emotions calm down.

PLease do this. Im pretty confident I won't be the only one with this advice for you.

[bj_1964]

Thanks for the advice, you are reenforcing what I had decided. One question, if she calls do I answer or let the voicemail take it?

[Skell]

Me personally wouldn't answer it.
She asked for space so why is she calling?

You can call back a day or two later and just say that you had been busy with heaps of other things in your life (which you should try to be anyway)

You don't want to look as though you were sitting around waiting for her to call. (which you shouldn't be anyway)

Get it?

[bj_1964]

Got it!

[talaniman]

You said it all Skell, but had to spread it. Hate that doggone rep system.

[chuff]

If this young woman has a history of being mistreated by other guys maybe it is hard for her to adjust being treated great by a guy like you. If she wants space give it too her. To be honest I wouldn't answer her phone calls or even return them. I like what Skell says about calling back a couple days later but at this point I would just quit talking to her for a month or so. Make her miss you and if she doesn't then you know for sure it wasn't meant to be.

[bj_1964]

Yes she does have a history of being treated very badly by her ex. It has been over two years since the divorce but she still has a hard time seeing him. Thanks to all for the advice!

[dancingtwins]

I too am going through the same thing right now with my boyfriend. He is 27 no kids I am 32 with 3. I have cut off complete contact with him for about 1 week now. I love him and I want him back but he said that he needed his time and space. I am seeing now that I let my life become him. So I am getting out there and doing the things that I like to do and I can see the change in myself.
The reason I am saying all of this is because no matter how hard it is not to talk or see that person you have to RESPECT their wishes. Give her space and do your own thing. If this is meant to be she will come back

[styler1972]

You have to understand that she is going through a lot of stress and her # 1 priority is her children. I have been in similar situation when my kids were younger and I had a very hard time dating any women and take care of my kids at the same time with no child support and made very little money. I was always stressed and I couldn't handle a relationship when all I wanted to do is concentrate on myself and my babies at that time.. If you care for her, put all that relationship aside for now and let her concentrate on herself and the children. Help her as a friend and expect nothing back. It sounds like she wants to be with you but like I said this is a very difficult moment for her right now.. Her children are #1... Hopefully when things go right for her, she will come back to you.. Good luck dude.

[Wildcat21]

Yep - too fast - too furious. SLOW is GREAT!! Take it slow. Yu guys don't really even know each other yet.

Leave her alone. Give her space. Her calls go to voice mail.

Be busy.

I bet $1 million you suffocated her!! She has a family, job - and boyfriend who has to know every little things she does. Give her life back to her.

You get a life - she is part of your life - not your life. QUIT smothering her. Quit calling all the time.

[Wildcat21]

See -she like all the attention in the beginning - but it's too much after a while. Smothered her - she has kids that are priority I nlfe.

See - going slow IS OK!! Do it for a while. Be busy - if you act like you have a life - she will come back.

Right now I bet you come across as needy and insecure - very unattractive.

[s_cianci]

Interested in anyone’s thoughts on what I should do. Reading other posts, I am thinking that I should stop contact with her, and let her make the next move.

BINGO! You've hit it right on the head. Move on with your life and forget about her for now. Make her realize that you can enjoy life just as much without her as with her. When women have a "turnabout" in their feelings like you've described, it's usually because they sense that you are being overly needy and clingy. Maybe you aren't but they have the impression, perhaps not consciously, that you are. It's not likely that they'll ever come right out and admit that this is how they're feeling but that's what it usually boils down to. Be aloof and disappear for a while. See if she then starts to pursue you. If she does then you may have a chance. But don't center your life around her.

[s_cianci]

Thanks for the advice, you are reenforcing what I had decided. One question, if she calls do I answer or let the voicemail take it?

Let the voicemail take it. Call her back later; much later.

[dancingtwins]

Let voice Mail get it. Don't be so available for her.:)

[bj_1964]

Okay, so I didn't exactly follow everyone's advice. She called tonight, and I answered. The talk went very well, and she sounded like her old self. I let her know I was going out with the boys tonight and she actually sounded happy! I had not called her since Tuesday and told her I was not going to call and pressure her. She said it is okay to call, and that she wants to be friends, go slow, and see where it takes us.

I know I shouldn't have answered, but am glad I did!

[momincali]

I agree with Styler, her concern for her kids will always come first. Just let her know you respect her wishes and that you will give her all the space she needs. Tell her that she can call you when she's ready, and call her every couple of weeks to see how she and her kids are doing.

[bj_1964]

I agree with Styler as well. I guess that is why I answered the phone tonight. I wanted to let her know that I am here as her friend with no expectations. I have always told her that her kids come first, and I do honestly mean that.

[Wildcat21]

Personally - you shouldn't have answered though. You always there - too available. It seems all NICE to answer the phone - but you see - you blew another chance to make her miss you.

You really ened to understand attraction. She needs space - give it to her. Be busy. It goes to voice mail - so what.

You're being what we call a "nice guy" - smotherer.