[lola64]

Ok, so I’m in the last stages of building a bridge and getting over it. I’ve gone over 6 months without seeing my ex, with only very minimal occasional msn contact. We’re both at the point of dating other people, though we both feel like we went through the wringer with our breakup last fall. My problem now is, (and I’d LOVE some advice!) is that NOW, he finally GETS it (the reasons we broke up.. some of them include the fact that he hid and lied about his true feelings for another girl ‘friend’ that was in our lives.. well, they ended up hooking up and she left him hanging and wouldn’t leave her boyfriend of 3 yrs for him.. sweet karma, yes, but doesn’t make me feel much better to know I was right all along about them and spent 5 years thinking I was going crazy). Anyway, NOW he seems to finally get what she was all about, and all my work here is done. But that’s just it: I feel like I pained and suffered and fought for something for so long, and now the NEXT girl he dates will reap all the reward of that. I don’t want to be with him, and it took so long for me to get to where I am now (away from it all), and part of me feels pretty good (somedays!). I just can’t stop thinking about how I freaking had to suffer and sacrifice 5 years of my life for HIM to learn his lessons (I mean, I learned mine too of course). I guess this is bitterness and finally letting go. How do I get rid of it? I just want to let go and finally move on.
Many thanks.. hope you all are having a good day:)

[susangpyp]

It's good that you're ready to move on. But holding onto what wisdom you imparted upon him that you don't get the benefits of is a matter of perspective.

You didn't have to spend that time; you chose to spend that time. The take away for you should be not to waste years of your life trying to teach someone something that they should intuitively know in the first place. Even if you feel bitter, it was your choice to stay and try to teach him whatever lesson he needed to learn. The fact that you stayed 5 years is yours to own. There's a fine line between perserverance and foolishness.

Avoiding bitterness will be in how you look at it. You can see that you chose to stay and "teach" him something; you can see that staying with him any longer might have resulted in needing to teach him more things; you can see that you learned something (never stay with someone who has his head screwed on the wrong way); and that it's good that each of you can start over with someone else.

We all give and take to all relationships. The "next" person will always gain from the good we brought but may also suffer from whatever bad experience our ex had with us.

None of us are so powerful that we can clean someone up well enough to be good enough for someone else. People choose to change or not change. Once he let go of his ex, he might have some other things that haven't even manifested yet.

In any event, he's no longer your problem. The way to not be bitter is to stop thinking about what you "did" for him and to see it as a choice you made. And now it's over. Time to go on and focus on you and leave the past behind.

[cozyk]

Living Well. Not only is it the best revenge but it is the best way and reason for letting go of the bitterness. It's natural, you put in the pain and suffering and someone else gets the benefit. Well, whether you can identify it right now or not, I'm pretty sure you DID get some benefit. Your bitterness is just blocking it out right now. Let go of the bitterness, because it is hurting only you. Look forward and live well.

[none12345]

Hey. I know how you feel, to have wasted so much time on something that didn't return anything. Trust me any person he is with afterwards does not reap your rewards. Y

Ou sowed them and it is yours for the taking. But turns out the crop has been destroyed by natural disasters. Its happens people break up.

You don't get rid of the bitterness. You embrace it and over time it will just disappear on its own and you won't regret wasting so much time because you fell in love with someone that you thought he was but turns out he wasn't that person.

You've learned something in this relationship and so does everyone after breaking up even though it took you five years but the benefits of that is just amazing.

The next person that comes along, the relationship will be stronger and better!

[SAB123]

Lola, I am going through the same thing but it's been over 2 years for me. I guess we have to accept it and learn how to control our emotions. I went through all the stages of the break up and afterwards was fine for a while. But all of a sudden now the bitterness is coming back. But the advise I got here a couple of days ago is learn how to control it. Best of luck to you.

[88sunflower]

Well I don't think you should stay bitter over it. I mean didn't he get his own with the other girl? They hooked up and she wouldn't leave her boyfriend for him. That must have stung him a bit. Just know life is a circle and goes around and around. You didn't change him to be better for the next girl. He is what he is. It didn't work out for you guys because it wasn't right. When you meet Mr.Right you will look back and be thankful it didn't work out. Sure he lied and had feelings for another, but she surely didn't feel it back if she didn't end her relationship to be with him.

[enilorac]

Hi- good to hear your getting over it:) as for me... well I'm at a dead end with my relationship.

'controlling parents' is the reason and immense GUILT on his part for not being there for them.

Hmm me a priority? Hell no way! I'm second best

So- I'm new here and will be regular to vent and read and listen. Its good we can all stick together.

As for me- I'm going to have one hell of a bumpy weekend.
Wish me luck :)