[makapuu]

I usually ask the universe for strength and guidance for me, but I will send some thoughts your way.

[teastalk]

Good luck, I wish you the best.

[talaniman]

I will pray you finally learn your lesson, and can man up, and make good decisions, and not weak a$$ excuses.

[WillaWinda]

Seems like your missing out on the real issue. First of all, to me it seems very clear she was and might still be interested in you. She left a 4 year relationship for you, doesn't that say anything to you? If she hasn't wanted to deal with picking up each others stuff, I think its because she is giving space, waiting to for the right reaction from you. She is waiting to see if you give something she has been expecting from you. She hasn't called it off because she does feel for you, and if she is quiet when you ask her a question its because you are asking the wrong question and for the wrong reasons.

From the way you write I can tell you are intelligent but it seems like your interest is more focused on you and what you want instead of real understanding towards her and being together and having a good relationship for the benefit of both of you.

You mention you have a great deal of things that keep you together, and Im sure you must have done a lot of right things for her.
But... I think the problem is you are egocentric or a bit selfish, and you overlook the reasons of what really bothers her.

You have mentioned the real reason you got mad was because you were expecting sex that night, and you describe yourself as thoughtful for having asked her if she wanted to come over, and for feeding her... you should read over what you have written and read between the lines.

This girl was not with you for the money or for your help, she has been with you because she likes you and likes being with you. Whe she asked to please not break up with her while she was in exams, was just because she knew she would not be able to deal with it at that time with all her exams going on, but that did not mean she was wanting to break up later. You practically pushed her into breaking up with you, although there were issues there she was not happy with, she was hoping they would be resolved.

The fact that you think you were thoughtful just because you asked if she wanted to come over, and because you FED her, and even asked her how long you should wait... all those lines show you were only waiting on what you could get out of her being there with you, and you were only doing things to get what you wanted, so you got frustrated when you didn't get what you wanted, and then you go and think that after all the nice you have been its been a LOST day and loss of all the efforts you did to try and do something for her. If you really cared, you would have been happy to just be able to be together, and if she was tired you could have been understanding, and just snuggle with her.

If she hasn't answered your questions its because she doesn't see any use to try explaining something you can't or don't want to see. I am guessing that all the arguments you have had... the bottom line is that you only see what you can get for yourself instead of acting like a sharing, understanding, and truthfully interested boyfriend.
Sometimes girls don't like to say what they expect from their boyfriend because they figure that if their boyfriend can't think about it or act on something from their own inniciative, its just not in them.

Don't get me wrong, Im not saying you're the bad guy. But you should look more into the reasons you do things for, and if the reasons you do things for are sincere and towards building a relationship and caring for your partner, you will get a positive response from her.

If you really want her back and think you have something good here I would try talking to her in person. Tell her you have realised things you had not thought of before and that you now understand the mistakes you have made and that you want to work on both of you being happy together. Tell her you want to listen to what she has to say and what really bothers her about you and that you are willing to listen to all this so that you can see if you can do something about the things that bother her because you love her.

Stop thinking about yourself and what you want and start thinking about how you can both be more understanding and caring with each other. Tell her what bothers you about her and try to see the reasons of all this and you might be able to get back on the right track.

If after this she doesn't respond in a positive way, then you can feel satisfied you did your best and move on.

The last thing that should be on your mind is giving each other your corresponding belongings... that is something you do when you absolutely don't care for the other person and have no intention of trying to get together again.

Hope you can be more aware of how you do things and why you do them, that will help you find your way and it will help find your happiness.

[catch 22]

Threads merged


A 1.5 year relationship ended in April. Just over arguing too much and the usual stuff. She had 1 month left of school to finish at that point and I decided it would be best to give her that space, but still talked to her about once a week trying to repair things. Then she graduated and still didn't show much interest. We had one final long phone conversation where she told me she just didn't believe that I could make the changes I was offering to make, and it's been about 2 weeks since then. I sent her one last email, and at the very end of the email, I reminded her that she has a few of my things in her car that I really need back. I specifically in plain English told her not to hesitate, to hurry and bring my stuff, because any hesitation would give me hope that she couldn't go through with this, or that I still had a chance. I also offered that she could just leave it outside my house without having to see me in person, just in case that was the reason she didn't want to do it, I'm not trying to trap her into a confrontation or anything. But 2 weeks later and I don't have my stuff. And it's having the exact affect I told her it would, it's making me feel like part of her can't leave me. Yes she has been very busy and there's a small possibility that she just hasn't thought about it, but she drives right past my neighborhood on the way to her job, and regardless of how many hours she's working, it takes 2 minutes to detour to my house and leave my belongings. I have been in No Contact since that email.

I hate to give her the satisfaction of ME being the one to call or text again. But either way I feel like she has the power. Either I sit here waiting for my stuff and she's entirely in control of if/when she brings it to me, or I break NC and ask her for it again.

Also I can't decide if I would want to slip her a short note when I see her, or if it would have more of an impact to take my stuff and quietly walk away without even trying to talk to her. Maybe I am already having some impact on her because she knows I want my things, yet I haven't been contacting her about it.

I really want her back and I'm balancing right on the edge of still having hope, or finally moving on.

Is she just screwing with me? Am I a fool for quietly waiting this long? Or is she literally trying to send the message that she isn't sure yet. I told her specifically that hesitating would make me think I have a chance...

Friends have told me that I'm putting too much thought into this, that if I show up one day to get my stuff back, it's not going to change the entire course of our fate, and if she was going to give me another chance she will regardless of if I get my stuff back. But on the other hand I feel like I'm "on a roll" with NC and maybe just letting that continue has the most effect. Buuut then I again feel like I'm still letting her have power over me, driving past my house every day with my stuff in her car and doesn't have the consideration to bring it back. As you can tell my mind is like a yo-yo...

I'm the type of person that regardless of what choice I make, if it doesn't have the desired effect, I'll regret it. If I see her and take my stuff and walk away without saying anything and she never comes back, I'll feel like "I should have given her a note or told her I cared one more time". If I give her a note or say something to her and she doesn't come back, I'll always feel like "I should have walked away and let her experience the fear that she lost me for good".

[liz28]

Are the things in her car really worth it? No!

You are dwelling too much over it because you want her back.

I hate to be harsh but the reality is--she doesn't want you and is moving on. You should do the same.

You say your peace so let it go and accept things for what they are instead of torturing yourself.

Relationships comes and goes with no guarantees. The two of you lack communication and the only thing you can do is learn from this experience and hopefully not repeat the same mistakes in your future relationships.

The beautiful thing about life is that it goes on. Right now your feelings down and out but you need to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off. Be lucky you have life in and live your life because tomorrow isn't promise.

Get your friends together and go out. Go have fun--that's an order. Listen to uplifting music and watch some funny movies. Laughter is good for your soul. Go join a gym--this helps. Get a new hobby if you have to. Everything to help you stop focusing on her. If you have anything of hers either throw them out or pack them away.

Break-ups are tough but believe me when I say "You'll Survive". The question is "do you want to?"

[susangpyp]

Why do you want her back? She sounds like she doesn't give a flying whatever as to what you want.

I'd let go the stuff in her car or send her a formal request for it. (Letter that is very business like and say you want it returned within 30 days).

Just because you said that you will hold onto hope doesn't mean that is the reason she didn't return them. She might not care if you hold out hope or not.

So far she has treated you shabbily and doesn't seem keen on getting back together. I'd forget her, forget the stuff in her car, and move on.

[griffers90]

You need to give yourself a break try and distance yourself emotionally from this woman. She may be hesitating but it shouldn't be up to you to chase her. If she wants to be with you she will let you know. If the stuff in her car is really so important I'm sure you wouldn't let her drop it off on your porch if it is then write her a formal letter requesting the return of your stuff.

[catch 22]

Thanks for the replies.

I think I may go get my stuff tomorrow, though. This weekend was a bit of a turning point for me. Finally the "severe suffering" stage is over, and I am accepting that I can move on without her. I lost enough going through this break up, I really don't see why I have to accept losing my possessions too. When we last spoke on the phone and she didn't want to give me another chance, I said "fine, then it's your responsibility to give the rest of my stuff back" and she quickly said "ok" like she completely agreed. And I asked her again in that last email I sent her.

It really doesn't bother me to go get it myself now that I'm not so concerned about getting her back. If it bothers her that I showed up, oh well, I gave her a chance to be an adult and take care of it herself and even leave the stuff outside without having to see me. She didn't take the opportunity.

She did the same thing to the guy she left to be with me, he even continued to pay for her phone bill for a few months while she was with me! I don't want to be another victim of her immaturity. She leaves me as she graduates school and has a bright career ahead of her but yet can't handle this like an adult.

[liz28]

Oh so she left her past boyfriend to be with you.

Out of curiosity what things did you leave in her? Showing up at her door can cause drama.

[doesntwantit26]

Well I would like to know what's so important that you need back? You need to really just let this girl go! Either she really doesn't want you or, she want to keep you hanging on by a thread. You've obviously poured your heart out in that last little e-mail. So you need to ask yourself? Is it really the stuff in the car you want back or her? And is it worth yourself respect and dignity?

[k1k1]

So how's the progress now?

[talaniman]

You can always get more stuff. I can't imagine what she has in her car, of yours that's worth your dignity or self respect, or your need to move on.