[letitbe1111]

I endured a year and a half relationship with my boyfriend. He was not affectionate, did not make me a priority and our sex life has been terrible for a year. I tried many times to break up, but he would always talk me out of it. When I was angry with him, he would become adorable, caring and kind. He also figured out that I will stay with someone out of pity and used it to his advantage.

So, I finally broke up with him and stood my ground. It was awful. Terrible. Broke my heart as usual, but this time I followed through. I'm feeling really guilty and he keeps leaving these messages and I can hear his distress in his voice.

Am I doing the right thing? Gosh, I tried everything to get us back on track romantically, but he just shut down and wouldn't be romantic at all. In truth, I think we were just so different. But he's a lonely guy. He has an incredibly hard time with interpersonal relationships due to his childhood. But he was incredibly quiet with my family and it always bothered me. Also, he was glued to his blackberry and didn't understand why it would bother me. On vacations, instead of his blackberry, he became similarly obsessed with taking pictures. Blaaaahhhh!

We sat in near silence at many restaurants. He wouldn't smile and the only things he liked to talk about were negative (i.e. people he was angry with or service that wasn't done properly)... Nitpicky. He dominated the remote, ignored me in favor of watching TV and REFUSED to EVER give me a back massage, but wanted many massages himself. Grrrrrr.

Okay, I get that he sounds awful, but he did sweet things too, on occasion. And I truly did care for him.

I guess what I'm asking is how to get over my guilt. In all this, I feel that I let him down by breaking up with him. I know his heart is breaking. Any advice would be lovely.

I wanted him to be able to open up, but is it my responsibility to stay with someone who is unhappy?

Help!

[Gemini54]

NO! It's not your responsibility to stay with someone that is unhappy. He sounds mean spirited, manipulative and incapable of reciprocity.

Reread your post. You ENDURED 18 months with this guy. What's there to feel guilty about? It's his responsibility to look after his own happiness not yours.

Yes, it's sad that he's such a lonely, angry, withholding person. But that's him. He chooses to be that way.

Yes, it's sad that he's suffering because you broke it off with him. Again, that's his choice. Life is a great teacher. Let him learn.

My suggestion for peace of mind is - as soon as you hear that the messages are from him - delete them.

PS Ask yourself why you chose someone so difficult - and try and choose differently next time.

[none12345]

He isn't the guy you want.

Don't feel guilty for breaking up with him.

[taoplr]

You don't feel guilty about him. You feel guilty, period. You are a professional guilt-feeling person! I bet you even have had guilty feelings since posting your question, maybe about people having to read your narrative.

Drop him and work on your guilt.

You can use this juncture as an opportunity to look into yourself and discover how to rid yourself of this affliction. (I searched for the right word for a long time, and affliction it is the most accurate.) Exaggerated guilt is a common affliction that is built into many families and societies, and a well-worn manipulation tool. But you don't have to continue it in yourself.

This dude knows how to exploit your guilt. You have feelings for him because that's the way you are, but he's a lousy boyfriend in all ways. You aren't happy with him and you won't ever be. You are capable of much more in a relationship. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit, and there is no need for looking back.

Then find yourself a counselor or a method for resolving your guilt, You'll be happy that you did.

[letitbe1111]

Oh my gosh! That's brilliant! I never thought of it that way. Talk about a light bulb over my head. Why do I feel guilty all the time? Right now, I'm even feeling guilty for not being depressed and upset over my decision. Can you imagine feeling guilty for happiness? Thanks for the tough love. It's just what I needed. Per the previous advice I will also delete the messages and take care of myself for a change. Single and happy is a million times better than being with someone who is emotionally crippled.

[talaniman]

Single and happy is a million times better than being with someone who is emotionally crippled.

It sure is.

[letitbe1111]

Also, should I close out our Facebook friend link? Or is that too cold? I know, I know, but it's only been a week and it seems too soon...

[liz28]

Yes, move on and found your happiness because you deserve it. Staying with someone out of the pity isn't good for you or your sanity. If you would have stay it would have cause you nothing but depression and even resentment.

You made a right call by getting out. Kudos for you!

[talaniman]

Make a clean cut of it. Disappear from his life, and give him no lingering false hope. Break ups are hard enough, without that added stress.

[taoplr]

Oh my gosh! That's brilliant! I never thought of it that way. Talk about a light bulb over my head. Why do I feel guilty all the time? Right now, I'm even feeling guilty for not being depressed and upset over my decision. Can you imagine feeling guilty for happiness? Thanks for the tough love. It's just what I needed. Per the previous advice I will also delete the messages and take care of myself for a change. Single and happy is a million times better than being with someone who is emotionally crippled.

Good for you for getting it! That's huge. If you take the next year or so dismantling your guilt habit (treat it like an addiction), you will be sooooo happy.

If you like to read, take a look at some of Byron Katie's work. If you like her writing, see about her workshops. She will help you free yourself of the guilt habit.

Amazon.com: byron katie

And, yes, closeout the Facebook link. The only reason to keep it would be if you were feeling guilty... ;)

[letitbe1111]

I'm about to order one of Byron Katie's books. I think I'll start with 'I Love You... Is That True?' because the title smacked me right in the teeth. I know I am always looking to others (and internet friends) to validate my choices.

I believe you are right and this is a step in the right directions.

Many thanks! I keep checking back on this site to remind myself to stay strong, even when he continues to call and try to coax me back. So far, so good.

C

Good for you for getting it! That's huge. If you take the next year or so dismantling your guilt habit (treat it like an addiction), you will be sooooo happy.

If you like to read, take a look at some of Byron Katie's work. If you like her writing, see about her workshops. She will help you free yourself of the guilt habit.

Amazon.com: byron katie

And, yes, closeout the Facebook link. The only reason to kep it would be if you were feeling guilty...;)

[letitbe1111]

For anyone reading this in a similar circumstance, I'd like to recommend the book "Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay"... It is absolutely helpful for people who are stuck like I was. I was able to see for the first time what was happening to me and why it was so hard for me to leave. I am certain I made the right choice even though I don't like hurting another person. Good luck to anyone who is in a similar situation...

CN

[taoplr]

I'm about to order one of Byron Katie's books. I think I'll start with 'I Love You...Is That True?' because the title smacked me right in the teeth. I know I am always looking to others (and internet friends) to validate my choices.

I believe you are right and this is a step in the right directions.

Many thanks! I keep checking back on this site to remind myself to stay strong, even when he continues to call and try to coax me back. So far, so good.

C

Let us know what you think of Katie's book.

Tao

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing,
Is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work
Of becoming yourself. -- Anna Quindlen

[letitbe1111]

Let us know what you think of Katie's book.

tao

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing,
is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work
of becoming yourself. -- Anna Quindlen

Byron Katie's book was very helpful. It encourages you to look at the way you view your 'desperate' situations (in my case) and question your thinking. For example, I was thinking that my boyfriend would be desperately lonely without me and that it would be my fault because I left him. I asked myself Katie's question, "Is that true?". I realized that it wouldn't be my fault that my boyfriend was lonely because I am only one person and one person can't be solely responsible for another persons contentment. I also realized how small my part was in his unhappiness. I was just a pawn. He needed someone to control, so he could satisfy his erroneous belief that he wouldn't be alone if he maintained all the power in the relationship.

I just got an email from him and desperation was steaming off the email. He doesn't have any footing anymore in my life and so he's pulling out all the stops, trying to say anything that might get that pity response from me.

I do feel bad for him, but it's because he's stuck and I can't help him. I can't ever go back. I can't unlearn what I learned from this experience.

Cheers,

Cor

[taoplr]

Byron Katie's book was very helpful. It encourages you to look at the way you view your 'desperate' situations (in my case) and question your thinking. For example, I was thinking that my boyfriend would be desperately lonely without me and that it would be my fault because I left him. I asked myself Katie's question, "Is that true?". I realized that it wouldn't be my fault that my boyfriend was lonely because I am only one person and one person can't be solely responsible for another persons contentment. I also realized how small my part was in his unhappiness. I was just a pawn. He needed someone to control, so he could satisfy his erroneous belief that he wouldn't be alone if he maintained all the power in the relationship.

I just got an email from him and desperation was steaming off the email. He doesn't have any footing anymore in my life and so he's pulling out all the stops, trying to say anything that might get that pity response from me.

I do feel bad for him, but it's because he's stuck and I can't help him. I can't ever go back. I can't unlearn what I learned from this experience.

Cheers,

Cor

Great work! And congratulations on freeing yourself from this trap. If you want to go further with the guilt pattern, to dismantle it for good, I suggest that you read the whole thread on https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...359578-26.html

If the approach appeals to you, I 'll be available to walk you through it.

Tao

[letitbe1111]

Hi. Me again. He just called and was sobbing. Literally begging me to take him back. It was horrible. I feel like the greatest b***** of all time. I hate hurting people. I didn't even know I had it in me. Gosh, tell me it will get better. I know I can't go back to him, but hurting people goes against my nature. Guilt is not a feeling; it's a state of being right now. I feel horrible. I hate myself for hurting another person. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy if this guy is suffering so much. I know on some level that's wrong, but it's like I'm punishing myself for being cruel.

I told him there was no chance we could work things out. I told him I had started dating casually, and he needed to move on. He could hardly speak from being so upset and I never saw him cry before. Awful.

I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep off my night. I just can't face anyone right now.

[snow124]

He's desperate, and it's not your responsibility to get him to move on. Don't pick up when he calls, read his emails, etc. You can help him by helping yourself and initiating no contact.

[N0help4u]

I agree with the others. Most guys I know are like this. You waste your time and life waiting for them to grow up and rarely do they.
Staying with guys like this you become an emotional basket case. Peace of mind alone is way better.

I have seen people who swore they couldn't live without somebody end up way better off once they were broke up. He just needs time and do not go back with him it will only drag you down.

[letitbe1111]

I agree with the others. Most guys I know are like this. You waste your time and life waiting for them to grow up and rarely do they.
Staying with guys like this you become an emotional basket case. Peace of mind alone is way better.

I have seen people who swore they couldn't live without somebody end up way better off once they were broke up. He just needs time and do not go back with him it will only drag you down.

Thanks for your advice and your Buckminster Fuller quote is priceless and timely for me.

[taoplr]

Hi. Me again. He just called and was sobbing. Literally begging me to take him back. It was horrible. I feel like the greatest b***** of all time. I hate hurting people. I didn't even know I had it in me. Gosh, tell me it will get better. I know I can't go back to him, but hurting people goes against my nature. Guilt is not a feeling; it's a state of being right now. I feel horrible. I hate myself for hurting another person. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy if this guy is suffering so much. I know on some level that's wrong, but it's like I'm punishing myself for being cruel.

I told him there was no chance we could work things out. I told him I had started dating casually, and he needed to move on. He could hardly speak from being so upset and I never saw him cry before. Awful.

I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep off my night. I just can't face anyone right now.

You are doing the right thing. It will go easier on everyone if you stop all contact with him. Yes, it will get better.

From what you say, you are managing two demons: His manipulation and your guilt. Between you and him, it's one or the other of you who wins. Either you get free or he controls you. This is not a mutual win. He might be broken hearted, but it's not because he loves you. It's because he had you under his thumb and somehow lost. He's not used to that and is questioning everything. That's good for him.

For you, it's closer to survival. Your guilt won't go away over night. But since it is a state of being, you can watch it, study it, understand it, and in time unplug it from its energy source. The Katie stuff is real useful. You might explore NLP or counseling with a focus on transcending your guilt. Also, make the most of the interchanges on this forum. It will be worth it. There are some very smart people here.

Keep moving toward the state of being you want.

Tao

~~~
Never doubt in the dark what you saw in the light.
Author Unknown