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lola29 · May 6, 2009, 03:08 AM

What make cheaters cheat?

My partner for almost 9 years cheated on me so many times and lied to me so many times. He never admit and not remorseful about it. He couldn't care less about me and my feelings.

oldenoughtoknow · May 6, 2009, 04:48 AM

That's so sad to hear. I take it you have split up from your partner?

There are many reasons like low self esteem, insecure, thrill of the chase, boredom, sex life at home is bad, relationship is bad, no self control there are thousands of reasons people cheat.

I personally would never put up with being cheated on, it has happened and I dumped them as soon as I knew and never spoke to that person again. I don't understand how people can keep going back and being cheated on?

Romefalls19 · May 6, 2009, 05:06 AM

Nobody knows why cheaters cheat, they just do it. A friend of mine used to be the biggest cheater I knew, he only did it for the thrill he said. The idea of the danger in being caught, personally I'd rather just have one girl, but to each their own.

kctiger · May 6, 2009, 05:38 AM

One girl is MORE than enough for me. Who knows why they do what they do? No offense, but I think the bigger question is why do people stay with those whom cheat on them? That is usually drilled down to a psychological problem, isn't it?

liz28 · May 6, 2009, 06:15 AM

The list can be endless to why cheaters cheat. Only the cheater knows why he/she cheat even if the reasons behind their cheating ways only make sense to them.

You need to leave your cheating boyfriend because he doesn't care about you so why are you still with him and putting yourself through this emotional hurricane?

Don't you think you deserve better? Don't you love yourself? Are you staying with him because you think he is going change?

Well your boyfriend doesn't care about your feelings and isn't remorseful so leave asap. This isn't a relatioship it is an oneship because only you care.

talaniman · May 6, 2009, 06:18 AM

They cheat because you stay with them.

mudweiser · May 6, 2009, 06:32 AM

Cheaters cheat for different reasons:

-for that sexy secret that gives them that rush
-to feel an emotional connection that they no longer have with their current partner
-try sexual acts the current partner is not open to
-for benefits the current partner cannot provide like; money, jewlery, a car, trips, etc.
- their "dream" guy/girl is finally available and they decide to jump ship before they lose their chance yet again.
-they cheat to feel acceptance from another person.
__________________

There are really many reasons cheaters cheat. You can't pin point to just one answer. Some may do it for the thrill others may do it to feel loved. Whatever the reason may be it still doesn't justify what they did.

Since your partner cheated you have two options:
-work on it
-leave the relationship.

Both options aren't easy, you'll have to work hard at both. Seek a couple's therapist and get help--you'll need it.

Good luck to you AMHD is here for support.

Sarah

Blondy24 · May 6, 2009, 06:45 AM

Cheaters cheat because they're not completely ready to settle down, but you were together for a long time, so I'm guessing he's getting bored and wants new challenges. To keep your guy from cheating you have to make everyday interesting, try out new things. But it doesn't matter how long you have been together, once a cheater, always a cheater, get rid of him.

kctiger · May 6, 2009, 06:47 AM

Originally Posted by Blondy24

Cheaters cheat because they're not completely ready to settle down, but you were together for a long time, so I'm guessing he's getting bored and wants new challenges. To keep your guy from cheating you have to make everyday interesting, try out new things. But it doesn't matter how long you have been together, once a cheater, always a cheater, get rid of him.

I call BS on this. So you almost blame the poster, or victim, for being cheated on. Do you blame the rape victims too because they wore a skimply outfit? There is NOTHING you can do, if someone wants to cheat, they will. Where there is a will, there is a way. People cheat because, more often than not, they lack poor morals.

Romefalls19 · May 6, 2009, 07:10 AM

I have to spread the rep but KC is right, why should we have to continue spicing things up to keep our spouses with us? If someone wants to cheat, they are going to. Point blank, there is NOTHING we can do but have faith that our spouses character is bigger than that

turtlegirl16 · May 6, 2009, 07:15 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

They cheat because you stay with them.

Yes!! I say dump his a s s!! If He doesn't care about your feelings then why should you care about his? Dump him and don't take him back no matter what he says..

mudweiser · May 6, 2009, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by turtlegirl16

Yes!!!!!! I say dump his *** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If He doesnt care about ur feelings then why should you care about his? Dump him and dont take him back no matter what he says...!

Seems like a good solution. However not many want to take that step. We don't know the whole situation here-- what if the guy is "sorry". They can go to counseling-- 9 years is a lot to just throw away... but then again 9 years could also be viewed as a waste of time if he's been cheating on her from the beginning, and this is a constant enemy in their relationship...

It's easier said than done. I've been there before, everyone told me to leave but I wasted another year and some of my life until I woke up and decided to leave.

So whatever path she chooses I for one am here for her.

Sarah

turtlegirl16 · May 6, 2009, 07:37 AM

You are right mudweiser, but I have been there before too. In most cases it would be easier said than done but in the case I was in, he was gone before he could say the "s" in "sorry".

liz28 · May 6, 2009, 07:37 AM

Hey Mudweiser your back.

This is what the OP said in her post that is alarming,"s. He never admit and not remorseful about it. He couldn't care less about me and my feelings."

It doesn't seems like he cares about her but only himself. So I don't know why she is staying with a cheater and she deserves better.

mudweiser · May 6, 2009, 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

Hey Mudweiser your back.

Thanks for noticing.. must've been weird without the AMHD addict around...

This is what the OP said in her post that is alarming,"s. He never admit and not remorseful about it. He couldn't care less about me and my feelings."

It doesn't seems like he cares about her but only himself. So I don't know why she is staying with a cheater and she deserves better

Yup. I read that. This is her cue to leave-- if that statement is true.

Truth is I want to know more about this 9 year relationship. I know she couldn't have prevented him from cheating but she has to look at herself as well-- during the 9 years did she cheat, did she lie, was she cold?-- I'm not saying "what did she do in order to make him cheat". I'm saying "what are you doing wrong in your part of the relationship?".

If she wants to stay [which in my opinion is a waste of time], then she needs to work on herself as well and not just focus on his cheating. A couple's therapist should be included in this repair-- without proper guidance they will both fall back into their old ways..

Just a thought...

Sarah

lola29 · May 8, 2009, 12:27 AM

Hello everyone

You all have made good points in answering my question and thank you.

I stayed with him for 9 years because we have 2 children (all girls) and the hope that he will learn and grow from his mistakes.

I asked him for months to leave and 7 weeks ago he left. I gathered that he already established sexual relationship with several women he met in the internet long before I asked him to leave.

When I first had a relationship with him, I then realised that the reason for his break in the previous relationship was that he cheated on her ex so many times with women he met in through internet.

My ex is an internet addict and he stays in the computer 90% of his time at home. He don't have friends except from people in the internet. He likes to download pornography and have at least a thousand porno movies as he downloaded it everyday 24/7.

I believe he likes to meet women from the internet and this excites him a lot. I caught him so many times chatting and going to porno sites and with all women chatting.

No my ex doesn't care about me and my children. He doesn't care about my feelings even when I had to tell him about it.

For 9 years of our relationship even during the time when we broke up in the past until now, I have been so faithful and committed to him. All what I did was to take care of him, did almost everything for him, taking care of his children, maintain cleanliness and orderly home, cook him good and tasty food and provide his sexual needs (most of it). I also work full time doing a very high responsible job. I am slim and considered by many as very attractive and very modern when it comes to fashion. And why he still cheats?
My ex doesn't want commitment in a relationship and responsibilities of having children and everything that goes in a relationship.

Almost everyday during our relationship, I tchfcffdsggdffyth

We had several break ups in the past and I took him back so many times

ajGambino · May 8, 2009, 01:09 AM

He's a cheater, there's no answer for it pure and simple. What you need to do is move on with your life and the most important thing in it... your kids.

Move past this question and start your beautiful life with your kids, you deserve much better then you think.

lola29 · May 8, 2009, 04:13 AM

Hello AJ,

Thank you for your realistic analysis and recommendation. Yes I agree with you that my ex is a cheater and he will remain a cheater regardless who he is with. He always justified his infidelity and blame me for it.

I had enough of him and demonic behaviour and that is the end of me and him. I was so stupid for along time because I was trying to maintain this family unit and I had given myself false hopes that things will be all right regardless of his ongoing infedility , lies and deciet. I blame myself for all my miseries, pain and suffering because I allowed myself to accept what he did to me.

I have so much hate and resentment in my heart and I don't think I could ever forgive him ever again. I consider myself a good person with good values however sometimes I am thinking of doing something bad but then I have to think about my young daughters.
Every night I cried and cried when my children are in bed but I know need to go through this process. The heart and trust are crushed, myself esteem is going down hill and sometimes I feel the whole world is falling down on me. But the good thing that everyday I go to work and this is other part of my life that brings so much hope, inspirations and postiveness inside me. My colleagues, boss and our general clients are so appreciative of my work, services and relationship with them. I am planning to see the counsellor for my own self development to reflection, learning and rebuilding bright future with my children.

I would never take him back because I know he would never change no matter what. Because of his infedleity, deceit, lies, abuse, put downs and couldn't care less attitude towards me and the children, these has made an extreme impact and damage in my mental, emotional, spychological well being.

I need to see the Counsellor very soon as I need help to deal with all of this.

Thank you to you and to everone here who gave me their sincere and honest analysis and recommendations, I really appreciate it.

ajGambino · May 8, 2009, 05:05 AM

Hey, no problem. I am going through hell too, and thoughts in my head get the best of me but I'm trying to learn to block them out and think positive. We'll get through these tough times, just stay strong and positive... for yourself and for your kids.

Good luck and work hard.

lola29 · May 8, 2009, 05:22 AM

Hi AJ,

When did you have a break up? Just hang on there and we'll just take one day at a time.

It is hard for me because I have to see him sometimes because he wants to visit the kids but I made some arrangements for him to see the kids somewhere else so that I won't be able to see him.

He emailed me lately with the pictured of a naked woman but I ignored him. He is trying to intimidate me using this picture and I wouldn't allow him to get that a reaction that he wants.

This forum is great, it helps each one of us to share about our issues in life and people here are listening and very caring.

Thank you also for sharing your personal woes. Take good care of yourself and also look at the positive towards rebuilding a bright and happy life ahead.

Cheers.
Lola