[kegger1981]

Please help me. My fiancé and I recently got engaged (December 08). I am a full time teacher and working on a Master's. He is an electrical engineer. We are both in our late twenties, have no children and neither of us have been married before. I will graduate in July which means the wedding will be next summer in 2010. Here's the problem... he has 3 brothers and one is going to Afganistan in December of 09 and returning in October of 10. I called his mom a few weeks ago to tell her when the wedding would be and she was fine with everything. Last week she called him crying and begging to switch the wedding to the following year since his brother wouldn't be there. My fiancé and I talked about it (several times) and decided to keep the date. He said it best, "we can't put our lives on hold for a decision that was made five years ago" and he's right. Today we went over to his parents to try and have a civil conversation with his mother. His brothers are now threatening us to move the date or else they won't go and his mother laid the biggest guilt trip on me making it seem like it was my fault that things are so messed up. The entire family has made up their mind that if we don't switch it, they will not come to the wedding, ruin the wedding planning and have a very bad relationship after we are married. My fiancé is so angry and so am I. We feel like this is a no-win situation and whatever we do, doesn't matter. We tried to have a heart-to-heart with his mom and was basically told that it would be our fault if this day wasn't about family, so everyone NEEDS to be there. We're to the point we thought about running off and eloping... but that would probably only create bigger problems.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

IF IT WERE ME, I would run off and elope and then have the ceremony at a later date, so that way everyone gets their way.

But my suggestion is to send out a family letter to EVERYONE saying that it was requested that you move the wedding date to accommodate ONE person, and you are doing so. If you have to compromise your wants for your wedding, then make it clear to EVERYONE why and that you are thinking of the family...

Now, I agree with you. But if it makes the whole family happy AND you get your brother in law there, is it worth it? That's what YOU need to decide. We can't decide that for you or your fiancée. Best wishes. Hope I was helpful.

[talaniman]

This is your day not their's. Has anyone bothered to see how the missing brother felt, or has everyone just decide to look out for him. His input to his family could work for you. Ask him.

[skydive4life]

I agree with talaniman (sorry I can't give you anymore rep apparently) this is your day and I'm surprised there being so selfish. I understand they want the whole family together but sometimes in life not everything can work out perfectly. And what does your future brother in law think about all this? Does it really even bother him?

[artlady]

How incredibly selfish of them.

I would do whatever you had intended.As stated the brother who is unable to attend may feel awful that he was the catalyst for you putting your life on hold.

No one has the right to ask such a thing.They do not know what your life plan is.Perhaps that extra year would affect your fertility and your family planning.

To blackmail you and tell you that after marriage you will have a very bad relationship with them is absurd.

I can't see how you would ever be able to have a healthy relationship with them if you did their bidding.I would resent their interference for some time to come.

Sounds to me as if you are getting the mother in law that gives nice mothers in law a bad name.

It is like a no win situation.If you postpone you will be resentful and if you don't they will make your life hell.

They have managed to put a dark mark on this happy occasion before it even happened. Shame on them!

[LoveStoned]

The entire family has made up their mind that if we don't switch it, they will not come to the wedding, ruin the wedding planning and have a very bad relationship after we are married. My fiance is so angry and so am I. We feel like this is a no-win situation and whatever we do, doesn't matter.

I hope this isn't a meddling family where his family is too involved in your lives. Uggh... Don't you hate that. It's your day and who cares. 5 years is a long time to wait on marriage... geesh you could have had like 3 kids by now. They need to have some boundaries set... How do you feel on this? Its your wedding and the mother and/or family is not being considerate of your feelings.

[Romefalls19]

Okay, I can sort of relate to this post on two different levels. My fiancé and I are getting married next summer as well(2010) and we changed the date numerous times(only a few weeks) and it was decided that we are going to get married in Jersey where I am from, well her mom was trying to dictate where we would get married and once we decided that she then tried to pick a spot for us to honeymoon(she said cruise on the west coast so they could have a reception there) I'm not for that, I am scared to death of Great Whites, the Bears of the Sea. We have finally made a decision my fiancé and I are happy with. It is OUR day, no one else matters during it.

Second reason I can relate, my cousin is in the armed forces and was going to get married in '05 but ended up getting deployed to Cuba for a year. He came back in late '06 and they started planning again, they were supposed to get married in '08 but he got deployed to Iraq so when he came home on leave, they just went to the court house and got married and are planning to have the ceremony when he his done his deployment.

Bottom line, do what makes you two happy because in the end that's all that matters.

[talaniman]

You can't please everyone, so do what you, and your partner think is best.

[liz28]

I was having a similar problem with my future mother-in-law.

She tries to take over things all the time. She had a problem with the color of my dress because it's ice blue not white. Then it was the menu, flowers, who should and shouldn't be my wedding, etc. I told her in a civil matter that this is my wedding not hers, you had your day now let create mines. She would get mad and not speak to me for a few days but her silence doesn't bother me. I wouldn't mind if she remain that way until after we say our "I dos".

The mom threat could just be a threat but if she does stick by what she said, she would be losing out on a lot and regret it. Now I know people can say a lot things just to get their way and believe it or not, planing a wedding brings out the worst in people.

So you just hold your grounds and maybe or maybe not she will come around when it comes close to the big day. If she loved her son she would be there and if she can't, I feel sorry for her son. But somewhere down the line she will regret it if she doesn't.