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isitme · Mar 26, 2009, 10:52 AM

I will be 40 next month and I just can't get it through in my mind that the girl next door is better looking then me and that my boyfriend for almost 4 years might think she hot. I see woman all the time better looking the me and I get mad at them for wearing short skirts and low cut shirts. How do I get over this and the pain I feel so deep within me? I look great for my age. Why do men still look even if they have a hottie on their arm? How do I turn this negative to a positive?

kctiger · Mar 26, 2009, 12:11 PM

Men are men, nothing you can do to change that. What you need to do is focus on your own lack of self confidence.

Men will look at women just like girls will nag... some things you just can't change!

starlite1 · Mar 26, 2009, 12:20 PM

Isitme,

I am the same way! I am so insecure about myself, but everyone here, along with my therapist really helps me. I love my boyfriend so much, and I know he loves me, but he looks and flirts, but I know he is faithful. It's my insecurity that gets the best of me. Do you trust your boyfriend? Has he ever hurt you?

XOXOlove · Mar 26, 2009, 12:22 PM

Men love to look at other women. It's just the way are. It's not like just because your boyfriend goes out with you that he's not going to think that other women are pretty. Don't you think other guys are attractive? You shouldn't hate other women just because you think they are prettier than you. You just have to think positively about yourself. That's all it takes.

Ren6 · Mar 26, 2009, 12:47 PM

There's surreptitiously looking at other women, and then there's the old "eyes popping out the head while tongue drags on the floor" looking at other women. If your boyfriend belongs to the second category, have a word with him, or find someone who's a bit more considerate of your feelings.

neverme · Mar 26, 2009, 01:29 PM

If you have had this problem in other relationships the problem is not with your boyfriends, it is with your own self image.

Both the best looking at worst looking people get cheated on, that has nothing to do with their looks really, it normally has to do with other issues in the relationship.

If you are not comfortable with yourself then it doesn't matter if your boyfriend belongs to column A or column B. (Although I agree with Ren if IS in column B, and it makes you uncomfortable then you need to have a word.)

If the problem is, indeed, with you, then you have to deal with your own head. A counselor might be of help. They can try to help you get to the bottom of this.

Best of Luck. I know it's not easy feeling helpless in regards your thoughts.

liz28 · Mar 26, 2009, 02:05 PM

Hey men aren't the only ones that look. If I see a hot guy walking by, regardless if I am with my fiancé, I going look and make a comment. And it doesn't phrase me if he does the same.

You have to not only be secure within yourself but have trust in your relationship. He can look all he wants but at the end of the day he is still with you.

Maybe working on yourself esteem would make you see things differently and then it wouldn't phrase you.

talaniman · Mar 27, 2009, 06:40 PM

Don't act impulsively when you have those feelings, just talk yourself down, and don't make it an issue.

Lovelee · Mar 27, 2009, 08:38 PM

Does your boyfriend tell you how attractive you are, how lucky he is to have you etc? Because that could be a problem if he is looking and flirting with other women while not assuring you of how beautiful you are. At the same time as others mentioned; men will find other women attractive besides you and will continue to look.
My boyfriend looks at other women inconspicuously but every single day he tells me how beautiful I am, so much so that it embaresses me a little sometimes. I hope your getting the same.

isitme · Mar 28, 2009, 08:34 PM

Thanks so much guys for your input. I know its me and yes he tells me I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I trust him but when you have been hurt before and at my age you don't want to feel that again. He is my best friend we talk about this all the time. I know I need to take a chill pill.:p

Janmarie · Mar 28, 2009, 10:42 PM

Incessant insecurity and self doubt lie within the natural human range of emotions and will never fully disappear. No matter how secure someone feels EVERYONE feels pangs of not being "good enough." But many women find it challenging to notice and perhaps compliment other beautiful women, especially in the presence of their man.

It is a mistaken idea to believe that if by tearing down another beautiful woman especially in front of your man will somehow influence him to find some fault in her. But it really casts you in a bad light in your mans eye. You will be seen as catty, insecure and jealous. And lets be honest, your man probably noticed her at least 10 minutes before you did.

Here is a bit of truth, believe it or not, by bad mouthing other attractive women, you unconsciously program yourself NOT to be one.

So what do you do to overcome this? Well, like I mentioned before, these feelings of insecurity and jealousy lies within the human emotion and can not completely disappear, but if you become AWARE of that emotion right when you feel it. Don't indulge in or entertain that emotion with thoughts, basically when that emotion arises simply allow yourself to notice and observe those feelings, don't try to resist them. Take a deep breath and let it pass. Do this each time you have those feelings. At first it will be difficult but with practice you will begin to notice those feelings less frequently.

And try this, when you notice a beautiful woman, silently bless her, and tell yourself that beauty is good. This will re-condition your mind to approve of being attractive and thus you will be supported in being as foxy as you want to be.