[phillysteakandcheese]

Regardless of her past or yours, the question you have to ask is "What are you going to do next?"

Are you going to live in the past and immerse yourself in what was and might have or could have been?

- or -

Decide on what you can do to make your life and your marriage better starting today and move forward with that?

People have to accept responsibility for their actions, but it is never too late to make a positive change in yourself and go forward on the right path - even if you've always previously been following a darker path. Don't dwell on the past, move forward.

[Daniel235]

We talked a lot before marriage and quite often during the early years, but not even a hint of the things that she has revieled recently was ever indicated. She is very casual when referring to herself in the afore mentioned manner just as if she saying "I'm going shopping".

[JoeCanada76]

So like you probably already that maybe she is still shopping and is trying to let you know that in a round about way but all of this is just speculation and I hope you take everybodys advice and start to councel then you will be able to get everything out in the open and have some direction on how to deal with this.

[s_cianci]

First of all, you probably should have learned a little more about your wife's past before you ever married her. Not that that would have necessarily kept you from marrying her but marriage is never something to go into blindly. But that's water over the dam now. You've been married for 10 years. Evidently your needs aren't getting met in this marriage. That being the case, I'd have a heart-to-heart talk with you wife and spell out for her just what your needs are and what you want from her. She is probably feeling a little guilty about her past, even after all these years, and that may be making it difficult for her to relate to you. Assure her that her past is just that ; in the past, that you don't hold it against her and won't continue to dwell on it. Lastly, make it a two-way street ; find out what her needs and wants are and be ready to meet them, something she obviously didn't get from her past "lovers."

[JoeCanada76]

They are intimate about twice a year. When it used to be twice a week. Now she is saying things about her past, but I think there is a possibility it still is not in the past. Why would it be brought up after so many years? If I were her husband I would be questioning this as well.

Joe

[s_cianci]

Upon reading your other post I get some mixed messages. One post suggests that your wife enjoyed the sex and being this guy's "whore" and would even go back to him if you died, while the post in this thread suggests that he was sexually abusive to her, even prompting some other posters in this thread to call it "rape." Unfortunately I now think you have a bigger problem than this thread suggested. You need to bring your wife to the realization that she is married to you and only to you and that she owes you all of her loyalty and affection. She needs to put her past behind her, once and for all. She may, as others have suggested, need counseling to help her with this. If she refuses, then, sadly, you may have to pack your bags (or pack her bags) and call a divorce lawyer. Because of the inconsistencies in the two threads I'm not sure what the real situation is, so the two of you are going to need a lot of honest and straightforward communication to cut to the chase and address the underlying issues affecting your marriage.

[GaryArt]

I don't necessarily agree with everything S Cianci said, but he's definitely on the right track, with a point overlooked before this... Marriage joins two people and makes them "one flesh", "forsaking all others"... Absolutely, she owes him completely loyalty, devotion, and candor... and every effort to preserve the marriage.

I don't pretend to understand her situation at all, but unless there is some legitimate reason preventing her (unbearable psychic pain, for example, which could justify delaying or going very slowly), she took a vow that requires she give her all to make it work.

Of course, he took the same vow, and a lot of people have commented that there seems to be more going on than has been related. But S Cianci's point about marital obligations is still a very good one.

[K_3]

There are also 2 other people in this situation, the children, sorry s cianci, just packing her bags and getting a divorce lawyer is just fine if it were just the two of them. Not only did they take wedding vows, they also had children. When they made those children they made a commitment to raise them. Do not forget them in this situation.
Daniel 235, one one hand you say you are very thoughtful and considerate of your wife as though it is all her. You say she brings up bits and pieces THEN you say you push her to say more, THEN you say it is all her wanting to talk about it. Which is it? You say you do not know how to deal with living with another man's whore, then you say she called herself that. NO, you said that, maybe she said it first, but you wrote it in your last paragraph of this thread. Read it. When I read your thread I note quite a bit of anger in it. Whether you realize it or not you are upset that she did those things with someone else and not you and is only having sex with you twice a year. If the two of you had sex twice a week would you be fine? I notice you do not answer any of these questions. I do not think you can let go of the past any more than she can. Maybe she feels your anger, if I can read it in your thread, I am sure she can feel it. Slow down and read what you write, there are too many inconsistancies for it to make sense, and when that happens it means you are leaving important information out or are too angry to keep the facts straight. Is she a good mother and how are you're a children doing in all of this?

[Rock On]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 daughters 8 and 9. Recently, she and I have talk and tidbits of information from her past come out and when I ask a more direct question about the tidbit, world war 3 erupts because now I am prying into her past and that the past should not be drudged up. Granted that she has had her share of lovers and possibly someone else’s share too, I realize that if she had been a guy no one would have thought twice about it. Quantity isn’t the bulk of the issue, as she has been tested and is clean, but the issue is how she has acted with and toward me for the last 10 years and some of the situations from her past. Sex between us early in the marriage happened about 1 to 2 times a week and recently we are experiencing a semi-annul event, not for lack of trying on my part. She has always been extremely prudish and reserved with me. It has recently come to light that in one of her often relationship in particular she was another man’s whore, literally. That said; she was with a guy that she had feelings for and hoped that he would develop similar feelings for her but never did. The extent relationship was sexual; “they would go out and party, return to his apartment, and he would have sex with her”. She said that meant he would only have sex with her if she laid face down on the bed so he could enter her from behind, not in the behind, it was uncomfortable and occasionally hurt, and when he was done sex was done. The relationship had very little intimacy such as hugs and kisses. She even said that she knew that he was treating her like whore but she stated with him anyway.

I am by no means naive or uneducated, but I just plain don’t know how to deal with this. I love my wife very much, but being blunt about it I am not sure I how to deal with being married to “another man’s whore”, granted that that happened before we got together, but it is still confusing.

It seems there are a number of very emotional and, consequently, perilous elements at play in this situation. You seem to feel as though your wife is holding out on you or treating you in a less sexually active fashion than she did one or more of her former lovers. Is she afraid of you or is she afraid, perhaps, to reveal herself to you? In either case, you have problems beyond the capacity of the people involved to deal with absent professional help. Does sex represent something different to your wife than it represents to you? It seems as though it does. Love, intimacy, subserviance, physicality, morality---all can be aspects of sexual relationships. How does she see it? Do you have happy memories of your sexual liason(s) before you met your wife? Does she have happy memories of her sex life before you? Again, it seems problematic. I strongly recommend that the two of you seek professional help. You need to truly get this "stuff" behind you so you can start making happy memories together. Good luck.

[chuff]

I wish this poster would come back and update us on what happened.

[talaniman]

Between a healthy loving couple sometimes a hug or a touch is worth more than a night of doing the wild thang. Most people who complain about not getting enough, probably are the ones who don't do the little things that can make your mate feel wanted, loved, and appreciated. Do you bring little surprises when you've been away, or that special good morning, when you wake. To me it is unrealistic and selfish to expect sex from another when you don't even know how to make love on all the many levels. If your probes into her past keep you from loving your wife on those many levels, then you have a problem you need to pay attention to. I think that's what she has been trying to tell you.

[vassilio]

Hi Daniel,

What I fail to understand Daniel is, before you married your wife; did you know any of this? Or did you find out after you married her?

[Daniel235]

vassilio, She kept all of this from me and I didn't hae a clue about any of this before we were married.

And for everyone else that mentioned it, the phrase that "she was another man's whore" should have been in quotes as it was a direct quote from her and not my interpretation or anything else. I don't consider her to be anything other than my wife.

[vassilio]

vassilio, She kept all of this from me and I didn't hae a clue about any of this before we were married.

And for everyone else that mentioned it, the phrase that "she was another man's whore" should have been in quotes as it was a direct quote from her and not my interpretation or anything else. I don't consider her to be anything other than my wife.

Hi Daniel,
I really understand your situation. Its not your fault.

First of all: your wife raised her past with you during your marriage. She seems now more frustrated to talk about it than you are on hearing it. Which, to some extent, is quite normal - it means she regrets it.

My feelings are this, and I could be wrong: marriage is a holy sacrement. OK. Once you join this institute, its like going on a long spiritual retreat. You begin to regret all your sins. It's the same like being with 10000's of prostitutes and living a prodigal life, and then all of a sudden walking in a Church. Somehow, the effect of just entering the building seems to create a lot of shame.

I think she has this shame now. Its strange that she raised it, its as if she wants to confess her past, and yet is so ashamed to even talk about it. Naturally, you are obviously wondering what the heck happened to your "dear" wife before she met you.

That's a black box Daniel. Everyone wants to be saved from their past. Everyone. THe problem is , no one really wants to marry someone who had a past. Which is also understandable. You being frustrated about her past doesn't help. The more you seem to her anxious to know more, the less she'll want to talk about it.

With respect to sex with you: Now, I'm 99.9% sure that she loves you. Because of her previous sexual experiences, perhaps just having sex reminds her of her shameful past. If that is the case (and you HAVE to ask her, because that concerns you! ) - if having sex with you in itself reminds her of her shady past, then she has a problem , and she has to deal with it. She wants you to accept her past then, and she herself has not accepted it , nor gotten over it. SHe needs to do that. I suggest she confesses it all to a Priest - whether Orthodox, or Catholic.

There are some things that don't concern you as a husband - the sins she's done BEFORE she met you don't concern you. Why she did them does. For example : if you wife took drugs and tried to commit suicide. Suicide is a sin. Taking drugs is a sin too. All that should concern u is why did she do that? Its actually EXACTLY the same as asking her questions directly about her past, but the difference is this: you are not asking her with the sole objective of condeming her; you are asking with the sole objective of helping her.

You have 2 kids together, and the only way forward is to build her and help her heal from all this mess she put herself in.

Good luck

[talaniman]

I don't consider her to be anything other than my wife.

The past should stay in the past, but help her feel good about herself by understanding and appreciating all the work she had to do to be a good wife to you, and mother for your children.

[momtofour]

I agree that we have all had our pasts and some things are relevant and some are not. The fact that she brought this up recently probably has something to do with her guilt and remorse for letting that relationship consume her better judgement. I know that I have done some things in my past that I have never mentioned to my husband because I am OK with my past and he just doesn't need to know.

I think your wife may be reaching out to you to look for some time of validation that she feels bad about it and bad about herself for letting that guy control her like that. Just remember you have been married 10 years and have something between you but life may have gotten mundane. Let her know that you love her and reassure her that the last 10 years of her life are what counts. Try counseling to learn how to regain that intimacy. Women and men need to know that their spouses value them! Don't you think it worth a try?

[riderjones]

I understand what he is going through. I often feel the same way with my wife, however our situations are a little different. We have only been married a year and she has two children from a previous marriage. I too have also been married before, but no kids. Dealing with her ex-husband (not a very good person, seriously) is hard enough however when we go back to her hometown (which is a very small town) I have to see all of the ex-lovers she had through High School, afterwards etc. Everyone still talks to everyone there and no one ever seems to leave to move on to any other endeavors that would take them out of that town. Shaking the hands of the men who used to bang my wife doesn't really help me out, especially when I know men enough as to what they are thinking ("yep, I used to have sex with your wife!"). I don't feel like I am being all that paranoid however when I did learn about her not so wonderful past it did bother me, but I really have no one to blame but myself for marrying her because she came clean before we were married, however I do feel like I fell in love with her under false pretenses. There is a lot more to this story and sometimes I really do feel like packing my bags and giving up, but I realize it is in the past and she can't change it no matter how much she wants to. I've already caused her enough pain over this, I guess it just bothers me that I consider my sexual past to be way too much and hers is even more than mine! I have prayed to Jesus several times to take it from me and it is getting easier as the days go on, however the ex-husband is a total loser (rich 37 year-old brat living with mommy and daddy, criminal past, abusive, etc.) and I know if she had not been so darn permiscuous with just anyone she wouldn't be in this mess with him and neither would I!! I must find a way to release this anger before it destroys me any responses are welcome thank you

Rider

[Biz]

Dude, at least you don't know these guys. I was best friends with my girlfriend of 4 years before we got together. And she use to tell me everything.. Her sex experiences, her partners... EVERYTHING... And I was friends with some of these guys... DO You think its easy for me to think that these guys are out there thinking "hahaha, I've slept with your girl." It's her past man, there is nothing you can do about it. I know how it feels to picture your "wife" getting it from behind. But at least the guy that did this to her has no face in your mind.. When I use to picture them, I KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE, I know what they sound like, I know the way they use to talk about their women, I know everything. It goes the same for her.. You guys are married now and that life is behind her. She is the mother of your children, and love her for who she is now, and don't think about her past. It took me a long time to do the same, but in the end, it's the love for her that gets you by.

[riderjones]

Dude, atleast you don't know these guys. I was best friends with my girlfriend of 4 years before we got together. And she use to tell me everything.. Her sex experiences, her partners... EVERYTHING... And I was friends with some of these guys... DO You think its easy for me to think that these guys are out there thinking "hahaha, I've slept with your girl." It's her past man, there is nothing you can do about it. I know how it feels to picture your "wife" getting it from behind. But atleast the guy that did this to her has no face in your mind.. When I use to picture them, I KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE, I know what they sound like, i know the way they use to talk about their women, i know everything. It goes the same for her.. You guys are married now and that life is behind her. She is the mother of your children, and love her for who she is now, and don't think about her past. It took me a long time to do the same, but in the end, it's the love for her that gets you by.

I understand, however I can put the faces to the names because I have met most of them. Our children are not mine but another mans biological kids. And yes I do love her, just voicing my thoughts. I know it is love that gets us all by. Thanks for the reply

[Chris50]

Forget the past, there is no future in it. Pick her up, dust her off and put her on a pedestal. God knows the other clowns she was with didn't, and her self esteem suffered. Step up and be her man... put yourself in her shoes... reverse the roles... how would you feel? Be her rock... and understand... listen to what she says and don't judge her past mistakes. If you want to be closer, really listen to her and tell her you are sorry (for whatever) , hold her hand, rub her back, cook her dinner, take her to a movie SHE wants to see... do the little things... once you establish communication/friendship/respect again... it will be fine