[Tracya34]

This is a very hard thing for me to do,but I must or I am going to crack if I haven't already.My boyfriend of thirteen years never wants to have sex with me anymore,and because of the lack of sex our relationship is seriously strained.I work full time to support him,myself and our two boys,and the only thing I ask is that he have sex with at least once a week to make me feel there is something there,and to show me that I'm worth it,and that he appreciates me.unfortunately it is not that way.Instead he yells at me and tells me to go and sleep with someone else if I want to be ******.It is killing me heart and soul,and making me feel lke he don't love me anymore:( He thinks that is all I care about,but it is not I think my suppoting him and buying into everything he wants proves that.this issue has raised insecurities in me and feelings of jealousy and resentment for him.I could go on all night long about this,but it doesn't heelp the pain I feel.Can someone tell me if I am to blame or does he have issues himself,and what I should do to keep from going to the nuthouse.Thank you for taking the time to address my problem sincerely SAD.

[sparkplug24]

It sounds like he is either depressed and not happy with himself and or you need to play the role of the person at home and him wearing the pants??

[sunnylove87]

You want to have sex with a thirteen year old??

[sunnylove87]

Ugh sorry that wasn't me that was my sister... younger... but anyway if he isn't what you want then something has to be wrong with him...

[neverme]

Come on!!!!

Is this the kind of man/relationship/life you want???


Imagine, little Tracy sitting in the garden with her ken and barbie or whatever dolls acting out the life shes dreaming of....is this it???

I highly doubt it!!!!

'Ya I want a man that is going to yell at me, make me feel worthless and unlovable. On top of that if he could not have a freakin job that would be just peachy!'

Lady it's time to move on, you deserve better. And will get it, go outside your door, stop the next random man that walks down the road and I'll give you odds of 100/1 that he is better!

This man is a mean, controlling, manipulator. He doesn't love you, not in any sense of the word.

It is up to you to act on this and get what you deserve, the world isn't going to come and land it on your doorstep, neatly packaged and ready for you to open.

We have to fight for what we want, and it's worth it when we get there.

[Fr_Chuck]

I have moved this, I assume they are adults and have moved this

[arnimal7]

This doesn't sound like your fauld according to your story. Sex is apart of a relationship. My question is, and don't take this the wrong way, but, has he let himself go looks wise in the last few years? Sometimes that has to do with it. He may not feel attractive anymore. Also do you suspect he's cheating?

[virginiawife]

I agree with everything everyone has said. You are working, he is a moocher and although you still love him it does not sound like he loves you the same way. Somebody who loves you will not talk to you with such disregard. I know it is hard to see, but maybe it is time to move on. A relationship involves two people, you don't have a relationship here. Take his advice, go find somebody else and then you will see how good it can be--but ask him to leave first and tell him exactly why. He will either be motivated to improve or you will be rid of him.

Sorry if this seems harsh...

[kp2171]

this will be one of my convoluted ramblings, but there's a point in the end, I promise...

Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages. He's actually spun the book into a number of variations... for him, for her, for singles... while he is commonly talked about as a christian author, this particular book isn't tied to any religious beliefs. You could be an atheist and find value in his approach.

the point of the book is to understand how couples show love and commitment to each other. I honestly read this during a time when my partner and I were going through a rough patch. We found ourselves telling the other "you arent paying attention to me" or "you seem distant or distracted" or "my needs arent getting met"...

the fact we both were saying this to each other meant we both wanted a better connection, but we were missing something.

chapmans book isn't the holy grail of relationships. It just organizes some of what you know into categories. He says that you can commonly organize the ways in which a person shows commitment into one of five areas: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Service.

it helps to know which areas you desire most, and which areas you naturally act in. for ex... I respond well to physical touch and words of affirmation, while I tend to act through physical touch and acts of service. My partner has physical touch much lower on the list of needs and acts... she responds well to words of affirmation and quality time. To complicate things even more, the time in which I am most primed for physical touch... and I'm not just talking about sex, I'm talking about time alone, together, my hand in hers or in her hair... sensual time, not necessarily sexual time... anyway, I desire this most at night whereas she is too tired, to overly sensitized at that time, and like physical touch in the early AM.

so... what was happening was wed see each other after work. Shed be tired. Decompressing. I took that time to do tasks, chores, clean, whatever... those were my acts of service. Minimizing clutter. Making peaceful space. Well... that's fine, but what she wanted was quality time. Even if she didn't want to talk, she wanted me present, near her.

likewise at night, itd drive me mad that she couldn't take my hands on her body. She could read a book for 25 min until she fell asleep, but couldn't kiss me like my lover for five minutes. Again... here she wanted quality time, with me present, and I wanted physical touch.

long story short, the book didn't solve everything, but it did give us perspective on how the other was reaching out, and how we could maybe respond better to each other. I think of the five areas like legs on a table... if you are strong in five areas, you can "lose" a leg now and then (say physical touch drops because one is sick) and still be OK. The fewer areas of support, the easier it is for all hell to break loose when something gives.

I've always known I valued physical touch, but didn't realize how important it was to me mentally. And again, I'm not necessarily talking about sex. My partner now knows its sometimes good to put that book down, get into bed early, and be present, together... that five or ten minutes of simple attention can go a long way toward keeping me centered.

so... there is some real imbalance in your life. He isn't happy about something or some things. Problems in the bedroom can be simply problems in the bedroom, or it can often be tied to issues outside the bedroom. Depression has been mentioned. It's a libido killer. Issues with libido and ED can cause anxiety and stress, which then perpetuates ED and/or ED issues.

hormone imbalances are often overlooked. Changes in his body, as he has aged, can be a factor.

his response to you is not reasonable or acceptable. Yelling at you is not OK. Telling you that you can go screw someone else is his projecting his frustration onto you, making you the bad person.

so... there are a lot of real, honest issues that can play into this. Exercise alone can dramatically change a persons libido. Drugs, drinking, smoking, high blood pressure, vascular disease... all can affect his physical and mental state of mind.

sometimes its one thing. Often it's the summation of many little things.

so... sorry you are in this place. You deserve better, and you will need more than this. I dated a girl once I loved dearly, spent years with her, and at one point she acted much like your mate. A time came when I said "it hurts more to be with a person i love who doesnt want me than it will hurt to be without her"...

I'm not saying that's your situation... but I think it might get there if he is not willing to address this issue or do any work.

don't know if hed be open to reading a book like I mentioned. I find reading and sharing a book like that can allow a couple to talk about issues without it being so direct... you are talking about what the book says... even if you are addressing issues in your relationship. It's a tool we've used concerning love, money, sex... a good way to say "what do you think about this" without it being "you dont do this"... just a thought.

sorry the post is so long. Its what I do.

[chrissymarie]

I think he may be depressed. Especially because your wearing the pants now. He may not feel like a man anymore. But there is nothing you can do about that. You have to keep working and support your family.

Are you romantic when you try to have sex with him? Are you affectionate to him showing him you don't only want sex but you do love him? Are you bossy?