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sweetbaby72 · Feb 28, 2009, 10:26 PM

I have been seeing a married, wealthy, older man for about a year now, we started as friends and has grown to dates and truly loving one another to the point of tears from both of us. He wants to rescue me from financial troubles and help with my career to be happier but his fear is his boys whom are in college will hate him if he left their mother and his wife of thirty years. I do not want to let him go , he does not want me to and breaks down when I tell him that I even think of stopping the relationship. Is there anyone out there in the same position?

himeeh · Feb 28, 2009, 11:07 PM

Yeah , his current wife is.

sully123 · Mar 1, 2009, 07:37 AM

You actually are having a sugar daddy to help you out financially, that is it. He says he loves you, but, if he did, he would leave his wife, that isn't happening. Words mean nothing, I love you, action speaks louder than words. You have no right to be with this man. If you were with him and he married you, he would cheat on you too. How would you like it, if someone did that to you? Get out of this so called fantasy and move on.

skydive4life · Mar 1, 2009, 07:45 AM

From my point of view anyone that cheats has a 99.9 chance of doing it again.. what makes you think you're the only girl out there he's seeing.. you never know.. personally I think you should end this now before you end up hurting yourself and this mans family

talaniman · Mar 1, 2009, 07:49 AM

Wonder if he was not able to be a sugar daddy, would you be so in love, and blind to the obvious? He pays for your time. There is another word for that... let me just think!

Ash123 · Mar 1, 2009, 08:51 AM

You need a career and a good man. Your life will never recover if you allow yourself to be prostituted at a young age. Heck, take his money, but make sure you get your bills paid and move on soon... Don't let him fool you. He is NOT going to leave his wife and unless you can live like this forever - walk away.

talaniman · Mar 1, 2009, 09:23 AM

I bet there is a BIG age difference here, am I right?

Jake2008 · Mar 1, 2009, 09:37 AM

I don't know if you've hooked up with 50+ aged older men before, but you really need to think about this.

Aside from the obvious financial rewards, and his feelings for you, and the excitement of being 'in love', where do you honestly expect this relationship to go.

You have much to lose by compromising your principles to justify this relationship.

You lose yourself. Self-respect, independence, healthier relationships and your future.

While he dangles carrots, and you consider taking them, you compromise yourself. You know as well as anybody else that you need to justify the relationship with a married man, and so what you have is what you call 'love'. That is all you have. What you think love is.

This is not it.

He has a wife of over 30 years, he's still married to her, and always will be. He has two grown children in college, he's not going to compromise a lifetime worth of achievement for a little fling on the side, that he knows will last only as long as the money does.

The problem too is, when you realize this situation for what it is, you may have invested many years, and accomplished nothing, other than being an invisible outsider.

Do you really want to look back on your life and realize that it was the wrong thing to do, and you've wasted precious years with someone who, right from the start, has said he can never leave his wife?

sweetbaby72 · Mar 1, 2009, 09:44 AM

I know it seems as if he is a sugar daddy but I loved him before the help, we started as friends and nothing sexual, we talk about evevything, he has done so many caring things that are really from the heart. We now live three hours apart but seem to see each other more, talk more, and love more. I know I need to let go but at this point I can't see being without my best friend, I get asked out a lot and just recently got a divorce but there is no other man that keeps my interest. I am 37 and been through a lot in the past year, he is 58 and so has he but the trials have been with him. He says he just wants to see me happy, my kids happy and does things to help with that. He encorages me to do things for myself which I have a hard time doing but I am trying now, he wants to help me go back to school, get out of debt so I can feel better, encourages me to have fun, to be healthy,etc. Anyway I guess I am trying to make all of this okay and respect all comments. I know I have to be strong, prepare my heart and let go. I do have to say that even knowing he is not mine I am still somewhat okay with being the other woman. I am so messed up. I would not recommend anyone to be involved in this way.

sully123 · Mar 1, 2009, 09:59 AM

Talk to someone, and get into some counseling for yourself. Your setting yourself up for so much hurt. It isn't love, trust me on this one. You just got out of a divorce, and why have more problems now to add too it, with someone else's husband. Please let go, its not right, and its not a healthy relationship. Down the road it will be heartache. Good luck.

talaniman · Mar 1, 2009, 10:03 AM

Yes while he maybe helpful, the relationship is not healthy. He can help because he is rich, but you have crossed the boundaries of good behavior with having sex with someone's husband.

You do need to reconsider your position, and be aware your divorce may have made you weak for the kindness of a guy who is cheating and can afford to help you.

That's not love, but needy, and I hope you see where your dependence has led you, and where its leading.

This whole affair has compromised your being independent, and self reliant. That's not healthy.

sweetbaby72 · Mar 1, 2009, 10:07 AM

Thank you for your support, I feel bad for him because he lost his job of 25 years because of this but found another and does not blame me and says it was his fault. He is a very caring doctor and all who knows him loves him, the way we met was very innocent but now I guess its not so much anymore. I feel really stuck but I can't imagine not having him to talk to because he really helps me,my family, and my friends with anything. That is the type of man he is.

Jake2008 · Mar 1, 2009, 10:12 AM

While you may think that this relationship happened naturally, by luck and/or circumstances, it did not.

When you consider who's needs are being met here, clearly having you on the side being happy with what he is willing and able to give, is to his advantage.

I am curious how you met him in the first place.

You have to consider the possibility that he was looking for someone just like you. It suits his needs to have someone near enough to be accessible once in a while, yet far enough away that his wife won't find out.

He probably anticipated investing very little, because you don't expect much. Again, his needs are being met.

You are available for him, he is not available for you, when you need him. His needs, or yours?

He can invest as little or as much as he likes, knowing you will accept whatever he 'can' give, emotionally, financially, and otherwise. His needs, or yours?

You are grateful for the help with your children, but what real influence does he have in their lives? Only what he is willing to give, and you accept that. Who's needs are being met here?

I could go on and on here, but you get the picture. I suspect that you falling for him was not an accident. He provides something you need, and you take it. And to top it off, you are grateful for this? Is it possible, just for a moment, to think that, had he not hooked up with you, he would have played the same game with another women in similar circumstances?

Just what do you expect to come of this relationship.

sweetbaby72 · Mar 1, 2009, 10:39 AM

I worked in a facility and helped take care of his mother, it was just " hello how are you" for about a year then to texting about our days. We both never expected any of this, then I also started working at a hospital where he worked but not side by side. He knew of my career goals and set up a savings account for help . I had to use that to move back home after I left my husband, I left a good man but I did not love him as I should so I tried to do the right thing for him. I said goodbye to my " friend" and never expected to continue. The odds were against us, but he could not take the break-up and makes sacrifices to see me and most of the time its just a meal and conversation, he drives a six hour round trip for a one hour meal, so its not all about sex. And a mutual friend that he thinks knows nothing of this says he would have never done this before me and that I have changed him, he is happier and healthier than ever before. Honestly in my heart I know he does not want to leave his wife because he made a promise to take care of her always but says he is invested in my life even if I say its over. He is that type of man to give help out of his heart and not his pants. He would find a way to help even if I break it off, I know that much to be true.

Jake2008 · Mar 1, 2009, 11:17 AM

Originally Posted by sweetbaby72

I worked in a facility and helped take care of his mother, it was just " hello how are you" for about a year then to texting about our days. We both never expected any of this, then i also started working at a hospital where he worked but not side by side. He knew of my career goals and set up a savings account for help . I had to use that to move back home after i left my husband, i left a good man but i did not love him as i should so i tried to do the right thing for him. I said goodbye to my " friend" and never expected to continue. the odds were against us, but he could not take the break-up and makes sacrifices to see me and most of the time its just a meal and conversation, he drives a six hour round trip for a one hour meal, so its not all about sex. And a mutual friend that he thinks knows nothing of this says he would have never done this before me and that i have changed him, he is happier and healthier than ever before. honestly in my heart i know he does not want to leave his wife because he made a promise to take care of her always but says he is invested in my life even if i say its over. He is that type of man to give help out of his heart and not his pants. He would find a way to help even if i break it off, I know that much to be true.

Although I can't see this easily as having benefit to you, as far as a relationship goes, in my eyes, he is doing very well as you say. Established, long-term relationship with his wife, two kids in college, he's healthier and happier than he's ever been, according to this mutual friend, and he has you to fill in what he is missing in his life. What he's not looking for, I don't think, is a traditional relationship with you.

So, if it all boils down to no more than what it is for you, as it is right now, and that is a comfortable place for you both, then it is not my place to judge. For what you both need, if this fits the bill, then who can truly say that it is right or wrong. I personally have never understood men very well.

If you were in your early 20's, I'd be a little more aggressive with my views, but, from the outside looking in, I hope that you are wise enough to realize at some point, a full-time partner with a future for you and your children; someone devoted only to you, may happen, and that you don't rule that possibility out.

I wish you well sweet.

sweetbaby72 · Mar 1, 2009, 11:26 AM

I want to be happy and he has set a very high standard of a man that I want if I can't be with him. His dream he says is to someday just be with me but I can not bank on his dreams after all it could be just that. Thank you.

talaniman · Mar 1, 2009, 11:49 AM

I think its time you imagined a life without him, to get out of this fantasy you have built around him. It keeps you a slave to his wealth and open to any BS he throws at you. Just not healthy, my dear!

oldenoughtoknow · Mar 1, 2009, 11:59 AM

I have done the whole dating a married person thing and it NEVER ends well. At the minute you are falling for his words if he truly wanted to be with he would be, he's making excuses as to why he can't leave his wife and you are falling for them. I've been in that position where you feel everything is wonderful and you feel he means what he says. But get it straight he is a liar and a cheat. What's to say the same won't happen to you, it did to me. For all you know he could have other women on the go at the same time my married woman did. You need to wake up from this fantasy of yours and realise in the cold stark light of day what is really going on. Where's yourself respect? Make your own money and get your own man.

sweetbaby72 · Mar 1, 2009, 12:52 PM

There is no one else but his wife, I know he can only be one place at a time. Three places: home , in surgery, or with me. I always know where he is. That's beside the point, I know how cheaters think, I am one. I have played the game and this is the first time that I have fallen for the weak. I also know that I usually get what I want and to be perferctly honest I want him to be happy above myself. I do have a good heart and want the best for others, but I know its time for mine and for that to happen I have to stand on my own.

Claire58 · Mar 1, 2009, 12:57 PM

Girl, before doing anything else put yourself in the position of that woman. If he can do it to his wife he can definitely do it to you. Being in love is not worth all the trouble you'll have from this union. Find a man close to your age. That man has kids! Don't be unfair for your own selfish reasons. Karma will bite you back, trust me. Leave him.