[Ayenaperkele]

I'm a 19 year old female battling sexual demons from a past relationship.

I am now with a compassionate and empathetic boyfriend but I still can't jump the hurdle from my previous experiences. He knows what has happened to me and it doesn't phase him, he just wants me to take it easy and grow past this mental block.

In the past I was forced to give fellatio, held down by my throat and penetrated vaginally, all while being manipulated by blackmail. Besides the obvious psychosexual trauma it was a big blow to know that I was just a conquest, to prove that he could control sex with a bisexual female. It took some therapy to get past the flashbacks and nightmares but I'm still stuck on penis-fear and the panic that comes with some foreplay 'under the belt'.

My current boyfriend is really understanding and we've been taking it slow and gives excellent body massages, but when anything starts leaning toward sex I start to panic. Sometimes even when we're making out roughly my throat will choke up and tears will spring to my eyes.

I have an active sexual imagination, often musing about perfected sexual fantasies. Sometimes I masturbate 2 or 3 times a day. I often look at nude/erotic photography of men and women.

I almost dropped out of college because of the trauma induced by being abused but never gave up, and now especially with this new boyfriend I see nearly everything in a new light. I'm doing good in school, and with work, and feel mostly good about myself. I want to overcome this last hurdle so I can feel complete again. So I ask, does anyone have any tips, besides more therapy, like discussion topics I can have with my boyfriend or self evaluations to help me overcome myself.

[nitten rao]

Have a hot bath at night massage your toes gently with alovera and read good holy books

[slapshot_oi]

The only obvious solution is one I'm sure you've thought of; you need to break up and be single for a while. You can't be in a healthy relationship carrying all this baggage that you haven't dealt with yet.

[smalltowngal]

You've been through something very traumatic, and the only thing that's going to help is time. Are you still in counselling? If not, perhaps you should go back and explain what is going on with you now.

How long have you been with your current boyfriend? From you age, I would think not very long. It can take a long time to really build up trust. And I have to ask, why are the two of you making out roughly? If he really understood what happened to you and how you feel about it, he would make sure this never happened. Anything rough during any type of intimacy shouldn't happen until true trust has been established. I don't see how you can trust your current boyfriend when he can't even kiss you without getting rough.

[Fr_Chuck]

More counseling and see if they want to do it jointly at some with boyfriend

[Ren6]

Counseling, counselng, counseling. You didn't indicate that you've seen anyone at all for this trauma. Perhaps you can find a counselor who specializes in sexual assault? Also, include your boyfriend at some later point. Good luck..

[Synnen]

I know you asked for tips besides therapy/counseling---but honestly, a counselor or therapist who knows the WHOLE story, more than you can tell us online, will be better able to help you than anyone here.

It sounds to me like you stopped therapy before you'd been completely helped.

[smoothy]

You do really need therapy... this much trauma really, REALLY isn't a do it yourself project. If you didn't need help from a professional then you wouldn't be having this trauma. And as was mentioned, you have to stick through the full course of it. You are young... what waste your youth by refusing therapy that can help you work through it.

[chrissymarie]

Talk to him about what your really afraid of... while trying to have sex with him. I think you just need him to keep assuring you that he will not hurt you. When the tears start rolling just let him know how your feeling and he will let you know he is not going to hurt you and before you know it you'll be having sex and hopefully enjoying. It seems like you have had adequate counseling. You understand why your afraid and why you have these issues because a counselor helped you sort that out. Now that the counselor has done their job it's your turn to make the next steps. You have to move forward and that would mean just overcoming your fear and having sex with your boyfriend. The first time will be uncomfortable. You may start crying but its just fear. You boyfriend will not hurt you.

Think about this... If you had a fear of hieghts and you went to counseling and you figured out why you had your fear of hieghts but you still wouldn't get on a plan or climb a ladder basically the counsleor just wasted their time with you. You need to take the final steps of your counsleing and overcome your fear and have sex. It's in your hands. You boyfriend will not hurt you on opurpose like you were done before.

Good luck!

[O_Troubles]

I agree with all the counsiling , mabie you could try getting comfortable. Think about it if you want to over come this would he be the one you want to do this with, if so set goals for yourself. Don't make a date to do it by take your time but set a goal. If there is a problem with your going down under try just looking feeling near it touching it going near it but not doing anything set your own rules make it so your comfortable but try if you feel panic stop. But don't try this unless your comforable counsiling is the best option

[Ayenaperkele]

Thank you all really for posting, this was a safe environment to just spew this worry of mine. A great weight has begun to really truly lift off me.

Me and my boyfriend have a appt for a sex counselor next week, and have been making some progress on our own too. Nothing to major though.

[O_Troubles]

That's good then! Ry more things like that if your comfortable ! It could help you. You could also watch porn together just different things that get you open but aren't to sexual take naked pictures of each other? Things like that. Have you looked for any councilling that is free or covered by your health plan? Some states have help lines you can call and ask, and they could even refeer you to some one at a low cost or even free. look at your options

[shyfoxie]

First of all, that is a sick, horrible thing that guy did to you.

A good friend of mine went through the same experience, and she had the same problems. She loved her guy (later fiancee) so much, but she was scared, she told me she'd start crying if they started doing anything. She had her friends to talk to, and he was supportive and patient. She recovered and things aren't the same for her, but she's found her new normal.

Psychological wounds take a looong time to heal, and support and love are important. If you really want to be with this guy you're with, and he is a good to you as you say, then it'll happen eventually if you let yourself heal.

Don't start feeling like you're deficient. You didn't do this to yourself, you didn't deserve it, and you're not dirty because of it.

[smoothy]

Well, continue with the therapy. You've come a long way and can go a lot further. Yeah what he did was very wrong.. but not everyone is like that fortunately. I've known a few women that actually had far worse experiences over a prolonged period... and while they were still undergoing therapy they had mostly gotten past most of the resulting issues and are fairly well adjusted. Desire to get past this is a BIG factor in being able to. Its hard to express how important a positive attitude can be in almost every aspect of ones life.

Perfection doesen't exist except in peoples fantasies.