[Kanguru]

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with this girl for about two years now. When we first met, it was like it was meant to be. Everything fell into place at just the right time and landed us together. Recently however, we hit a bit of a bump. Another guy who she was around (they work together) started hitting on her and the like. Of course, my alarm-bells started ringing, and after a long and frustrating silence, I finally asked her about it. She admitted that she did have slight feelings for this other guy, but she insisted she loved me, and that she wanted to stay with me. She said the only reason she hadn't said anything before is because she didn't want to hurt me. We both agreed to put more effort into our relationship, because she really did want to stay with me, and I with her. Since then, our relationship has been better than ever. I talked to this other guy, and asked him to back off. He agreed. Everything would seem right. Unfortunately, even though everything is going great, I seem to keep coming back to that horrid thought of her liking that other guy. I know it was just a crush, and I know she's faithful, but I still feel very upset and insecure over the whole thing. For a long time, I was okay. It seemed that I had gotten over it, but suddenly, the thought started to resurface. Recently its been causing me great distress. I keep telling myself that everything is okay, but it seems I'm always thinking of things that MAKE me sad, for no reason at all! I think about that whole situation with the other guy; I think about what it would be like if we broke up or if she cheated. Its all "What if's" really, but its causing me a lot of undue stress. Personally, I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression. The excessive rumination over these negative thoughts could be from that. It's just really hard to get by when I'm constantly depressed over this; always distrustful, and always afraid I'm on the brink of losing her, even though things have been going good. The only time I really feel okay is when I'm with her or talk to her, but even then, I get really sensitive and seem to interpret every little thing as a 'sign' of some sort. I'd really like to talk to her about it, but I just can't. I'm terrified. Last time I brought up something like this (my suspicions about that other guy), I got the horrible truth. I know she was just being honest, and that she loves me and didn't want to cause me any hurt, but now I'm afraid that if I try to talk about this, I'm only going to make things worse between us, and maybe something even more shocking will come out of the woodwork. It's completely irrational, but its how I seem to be thinking just lately. Moreover, I'm afraid she won't understand, or that she'll be angry or reject me. The last thing I want is to end our relationship, because I really, truly care about her. I know that she loves me, but I'm just having a ton of trouble convincing myself of that. Again, I feel that it might all lead back to my underlying disorders, but still. I need to talk to someone about it, and if I don't have to courage to talk to her directly, I hope someone out there can give me some good advice.

[UnluckyDucky]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I'm glad that you are able to recognize that you have an issue and you interested in seeking help.

How old are you and your girlfriend?

There are some basic meditation techniques you can do to help with your anxiety and depression, however I believe that you might want to consider seeking professional help if you are not already.

[Homegirl 50]

You have some issues your girl friend can't help you with. It would be a good idea to speak with a professional about this.
It will help you in your personal life and with your girl friend.

[Kanguru]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I'm glad that you are able to recognize that you have an issue and you interested in seeking help.

How old are you and your girlfriend?

There are some basic meditation techniques you can do to help with your anxiety and depression, however I believe that you might want to consider seeking professional help if you are not already.

18, both in university. I've tried seeking professional help for my anxiety before. They put me on medication, which I'm still on to this day. I've also been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder, and did a brief stint of Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy, but it really didn't help. At the time, this current issue was the furthest thing from my mind. Unfortunately, the type of OCD I was diagnosed with is known as "Purely Obsessional"; meaning instead of obsessive thoughts manifesting as observable compulsions, they show up almost entirely as excessive thought or rumination over any given topic of anxiety or stress. Usually individuals with this type of OCD also, as part of their compulsions, are constantly trying to seek reassurance over the situation, so I suppose I'm only reciprocating the cycle. The problem comes down to the fact that there isn't some magical medication or treatment to stop THOUGHT. Since the compulsions are internal, how could one possibly go about treating such a disorder? CBT had no affect on me whatsoever, the medication I'm on obviously isn't giving me much help, and I'm pretty much at a loss now. If I go back to the doctor, they'll probably just put me into therapy again, and then as soon as the sessions end, I'll be right back to where I am. Not to mention the fact that me constantly having to go to the doctors eats up a lot of my personal time, which would only exacerbate the situation with my girlfriend and cause me even MORE stress.

[Homegirl 50]

Enjust enjoy your time with her.
I would suggest that you not even be in a relationship, just have a dating friendship, this takes away the stress of worrying about her and you keeping things going.
18 and in college is stressful enough. Personally I don't thinking exclusively dating at that age and especially the first couple of years of college is a good idea. Too stressful.
I wish you well.

[Kanguru]

Well see, that's only caused me more stress. I want to be with her, that's the whole reason why I'm ruminating over these thoughts to begin with. So by NOT being with her, that would only make me more depressed, not to mention what it would do to her.

We knew it would be stressful with school and the like, but we were prepared for it. This is a different issue altogether. Its become pretty obvious to me that these thoughts are rooted in my other disorders, but I still have no idea how to break the cycle. I'm trying to keep positive, but that negativity is always there. Perhaps asking the internet was a bad idea...

[Homegirl 50]

Does she know about your OCD issues?
Talk to her about your feelings and see what she has to say. It may be a dating friendship will b good for both of you.
I stillthink It would not hurt to at least talk to a professional, get another input.

[UnluckyDucky]

Well you've already taken the first step by recognizing you need help. Unfortunately, the help you require seems to be beyond what we're able to offer you here.

Not to downplay your feelings for one another, but 18 is rather young. I can honestly say from experience that the person who you are at 18 will more than likely be a different person 7 years down the road when you're 25. Your values will most likely change. Your goals will most likely change. Its through these defining years many of us will make huge leaps in personal growth because as we experience life it helps us decide what we want both in life and in a potential partner. I'm not saying that having a successful relationship with this girl is not possible, I'm just saying you're still in a major emotional growth phase right now.

Try some basic breathing meditation exercises - you can find some basic instructional videos on the internet. I've also found that doing this and finding an activity that is mentally stimulating helps me focus my mind and not let my thoughts wander so much (for example I play Pathwords on Facebook - focusing all my concentration on a single task helps me personally). You can also try exercising as that can release endorphins in your body to help fight depression.

Again, these are some very simple suggestions you can try for yourself right now. They might help you break out of your cycle but I am highly recommending seeking help from a professional.

Let me ask you something... You say that you want to be with her. Do you want her to be happy? Do you think she only deserves the "best you" you can offer her?

[karthiksrajan]

My dear friend,

You need to understand what you are doing is called Psychological Prostitution - a state in relationship where you cannot speak your heart out. In any relationship where you cannot speak your heart out, you need to ask yourself what that relationship means to you and what you mean to that relationship. If your words can hurt the relationship itself, you can understand the relationship was weak in its first place so it should not matter why you should not speak your heart out. On the other hand if the relationship is strong, one incident cannot shake it by its roots and therefore it is better you speak your heart out and makee the relationship stronger.

Your situation is like - you have a dead rat in your house and at the sametime you fear touching that so you are applying perfume and sprays to prevent it from stinking. How long will you be in a position to hide that. The only solution is to throw that rat away from your house. The sooner you do it, the better it is.

The same is the case with your sub-conscious mind. The power of your sub-conscious doubts is that they are very potent and they can really damage any relationship. It is always better to pick what you can appreciate, speak the hurt caused by her actions to you and in that process keep the complaints short. This will enable you to erase the subconscious doubts and hurts.

[Some1HelpPlz]

I agree with the advice that you have gotten so far.

It seems as if the current situation has triggered everything that you have been working on up to this point. I mean, lets face it, the woman that you love has told you that she had a slight interest in someone else. That is not YOUR fault, it is something that SHE did not YOU.

I know from experience that the thought process cannot be stopped, but it can be treated. I think that all of this is just weighing you down and sure it's normal. Stop beating yourself up about this, it will only lead to more issues down the road.

It is perfectly normal for a young man to question things about a woman who has emotionally flirted with another. I think you will feel much better if you can say to yourself, hey wait a minute I didn't do anything to deserve this type of treatment. You may understand the reality and not how you see them.

This is a perfect example of how people live there whole lives with trust and insecurity issues. Please get help now so this doesn't happen to you.