[AllanYork]

Everyone has a story, so here is mine..

It's a long story, so please bear with me. For the sake of brevity, I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but to fully embrace the way I feel then I must somewhat describe the relationship with my first love.

How it all started:
Jan 08. One week before my first deployment to Iraq, some friends and I went downtown to drink and party before leaving. Well, across the dance floor I noticed a cute woman and gained the courage to speak to her. I sparked a conversation, we danced, and completely hit it off. I found out that she was 5 years older and a higher rank than me, (one I am prohibited from having a relationship with.. ) and that we were deploying to the same place in Iraq. I felt there was something special about her and eagerly awaited my trip to the desert..

Iraq:
Amongst everything else associated with being in a war zone, my plan was to simply get to know her and see where things went. She showed interest right away by sending emails, and arranging secretive meetings to talk and hang out. Not 1 month after we had been there, she told me we can no longer hang out because of her leadership becoming to suspicious. That is totally understandable considering the circumstances and consequences involved. Well coincidence or not she immediately began "hanging out" with an army spec ops dude who I will refer to as "Rambo". They ended up having sex several times and fell into a serious relationship. I couldn't say anything but I was hurt because I had feelings for her. Well they couldn't keep their relationship quiet for long because she received an article 15 (military punishment) for a general order 1 violation. That resulted in her departure from Iraq being delayed for 1 month. During that time I was the ONLY person to keep in contact with her daily through email saying everything would be OK and allow her to vent about the stress she was feeling. I knew my place was nothing more than friend status at the time but that would all change..

The Relationship:
She returned from Iraq one month later than I, and contacted me right when she arrived home. (I knew it long before but as fate would have it, we happened to be living in the same apartment complex) After a week of hanging out as just friends I made my move and kissed her at the pool. She ended up cheating on "Rambo"with me. That started the beginning of "us"; she broke up with "Rambo". Our relationship was like something in the movies and I had never been happier. The problem was I received orders to a new duty station in Germany, I had to report here by the end of November. She began using terms of endearment quickly and even after 2 months was telling me how much she loved me and can't be without me. We really had such a strong chemistry that the thought of leaving was unbearable. We broke up the day I left, and the official reason was because her Mormon religion was so important to her and it wouldn't work between us. Oct 22 I departed the US for Germany to begin my new life alone..

The Heartbreak:
Getting started in this foreign country was hard enough but try adding the loss of someone you truly loved and cared about. It has been miserable! We stopped talking at the beginning of December because constantly reminiscing on the life I had in the states has been consuming me. Christmas day I found out that she already has a new boyfriend (Who is not Mormon) and it is one of my old co workers. I looked at her myspace for the first time in a month and saw she had posted a bunch of pics of them kissing and on dates. It absolutely devastated me! I think about her often, and am tormented by vivid and long dreams with her. It has affected me so much that I've seen a counselor twice. I think the reason it is so hard on me is because I haven't established myself yet and don't have a large network of friends like I do back home. When she was depressed and going through the worst time of her life I was there for her, but when I needed her the most she discarded me like a piece of trash. She emailed me saying that her and this new guy are together and I can't make this go away. I deleted her, but she kept me on her myspace because she claimed that she hoped we could be friends.?

The Signs:
1. She cheated on "Rambo" with me, that should have been a huge red flag.

2. She changed her religion while we were together from Catholic to Mormon (which conveniently "Rambo" happens to be)

3. She was always shady with her text messages talking to a bunch of her "just friends" ex boyfriends. (I found out that she had sex with one of them days after I left.)

4. I know this is immature but I had become suspicious by this point. I looked at an email correspondence between her and "Rambo" where she told him how much she loved/wanted a chance with him, how she will remain abstinent until marriage(which was BS) and much more. (The reason I stayed was because I thought It wouldn't hurt as bad leaving her when I came to Germany, but I was wrong.)

5. I had been told by people close to her to be careful because of her past trends with boyfriends. (For some dumb reason I thought I was the exception.)

6. I WAS PLAYED!

My Questions: I have been so depressed and feel like a lost soul trying to find happiness and my purpose for being on this earth. I have lost interests in my hobbies and work is now dull. Worst yet, I have lost myself confidence because I can't figure out what I did wrong, or what she didn't like.

1. Why would she do that to me?

2. Of all the people she would want to hurt why me? She knows that I've been alone trying to establish myself over here. I can't just turn off my feelings for her. She has made it very clear that she's already moved on by deliberately posting those pics, I feel that she was really trying to hurt me.

3. So why can't I "just move on"? I know it was my first love and the signs were there that it wasn't going to work, but I just can't seem to get over it.

4. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Its been so hard to stay positive because I lost myself in this woman. I want to be happy and love again, but I can't even picture myself with someone else.

5. Does anyone have any advice? I am a normal good looking guy, buy I feel like I'm going insane!

I left out a lot and I know it was still long. I just need to get this off my chest! Thank you.

[kctiger]

1. Why would she do that to me?

She is a predator, and simply took adavantage of you. I think she thrives off constantly getting attention from other males, and unfortunately you happened to be one of those guys that fell prey to her immature games. She seems like a leach...

2. Of all the people she would want to hurt why me? She knows that I've been alone trying to establish myself over here. I can't just turn off my feelings for her. She has made it very clear that she's already moved on by deliberately posting those pics, I feel that she was really trying to hurt me.

She is hurting you, but you are also hurting yourself. Get rid of the Myspace crap, at least, get rid of her page. DO NOT look at that stuff. She only has the power to do what you let her. Tough love man! She clearly has problems and issues, and to be honest, you should feel lucky you don't have her anymore, as this will be a cycle she goes through with every guy. You cannot help her insecurities.

3. So why can't I "just move on"? I know it was my first love and the signs were there that it wasn't going to work, but I just can't seem to get over it.

You can, and you will. No one can "just" move on. It takes a long time. With the added complications of having few people to vent to, it just piles onto your emotions. You devoted a lot of care and love to her (although I question if she was ever really that in to you), and it will take time to get yourself back. If moving on was really that easy, this website wouldn't exist.

4. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Its been so hard to stay positive because I lost myself in this woman. I want to be happy and love again, but I can't even picture myself with someone else.

Yes, there absolutely is light at the end of the tunnel. Read my story, read others' stories. You have found an incredible resource for the pain you are feeling. Welcome to AMHD. Your story, although unique to you, is all too familiar. You WILL get through this. You are a strong man, and I have faith in you. There are stages that you go through... shock, anger, denial, etc... etc... this is just one of them. It is normal to not picture yourself with anyone else, as this is still fresh to you. In time, that will change.

5. Does anyone have any advice? I am a normal good looking guy, buy I feel like I'm going insane!

You feel insane... that is what love does to you. Emotional detox, that is what is in store here. I believe you truly fell hard for a girl, that perhaps didn't feel the same about you. My advice is to let this process work itself out. Vent, cry (yeah, I know it isn't "manly"), write down goals, whatever. You have soooo much more to live for, and you are doing it right now, as a matter of fact. Right now, you just need to relax, be patient, and let time do its thing.

You will get through this, trust me. It sucks, and not having anyone around you to lean on sucks even more. Have no fear, we have all been there, and will always be here for you! Thanks for sharing your story, and for everything you do for our country!

[talaniman]

Had to spread the rep KC, but that was a very well put together response.

[slapshot_oi]

5. I had been told by people close to her to be careful because of her past trends with boyfriends. (For some dumb reason I thought I was the exception.)

I hear you loud and clear broseph, been there myself a time or two.

She sounds like my ex. This woman needs someone, anyone, don't matter who he is, what he looks like, which Christian denomination he's a member of, just so long as she can have someone she can call hers. She does this because she's miserable with herself and life in general, she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she needs to be one. Realize there is a difference.

She went immediately from Rambo to you, and after a couple months was "madly in love", back to Rambo (probably was talking to him the entire time of your relationship) and now is on to yet another guy, and probably "in love" again. Her love is infatuation, which dies quickly. She's building up a bad reputation as you had been warned prior to your involvement.

These women are leeches and are easy to pick out and being as you've recently had first hand experience, the chances of this happening again are far less.