[cheechthecheechy]

Just wanted to understand a bit, why do people get married. Don't take this as a cheap childish question but I have given it some thought.

Why not just live together, be together, but not marry. Marriage is like a big burden, forcing you to stay with the person you love. I know, people will argue, but you are supposed to stay with them, but what's the point of forcing something that is not there.

By the way, I'm 14, and have no plans for marriage or anything. Just wondering.

[Fr_Chuck]

Hello, well at least in the US, people who marry are not forced to stay together, divorce is far to common.

But marriage is for one promice and a sign that you love someone to a higher point. Next it is a religious issue, all major religions require a couple to marry as a teaching in its faith. So to a religious person living together without being married would not be considered

But marriage is not forcing anyone, in marriage each party is free to leave.

But the marriage gives each partner certain rights and obligations legally, and this is the most important, that is why you see gays fighting so hard to be able to marry. It gives them a legal right to joint ownership of property and a court action to get their half of that property if they separate. It gives one partner who may wish to stay at home rights to income if the other partner just leaves. It provides them the right to made medical choices for the other person if they can not make them thierself. It allows them to inherit free from contestment from other normally a share of the property of the other.

Marriage is both a religoius and an legal act giving rights and responsiblilities.

[NeedKarma]

Let me start by saying that most things that you believe at 14 will likely change as you get older and gain life experience.

If at this time you don't believe in marriage then that's OK. Work on being a strong independent woman. Later when you start dating look for a man who shares your values.

Along the way you may find that your values get altered and that's perfectly normal.

I got married at 35. I started kind of like you but I found a great person that I wanted to stay with and start a family with.

[aqua@home]

Personally, I believe people get married for all sorts of reasons. Some reasons good (love), some not so good (convenience, desperation, etc.) Some of the not so good reasons have unfortunately become acceptable (eg. Immigration). I believe the only reason anyone should get married is for love. I think too many people make a mochery out of marriage, it is not a sacred union between two people anymore. It seems that people walk away too easily. Marriage over here does not force couples to stay together, just turn the TV on and check out what's on. Why don't people ask themselves "why get a divorce?"? I think abuse is an acceptable answer.

I got married because I loved my husband (still do), I felt it was right according to my faith and I really did (do) want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have our moments, but we try to work together, through our problems. We have made the choice, to be married and that means something.

I am going way off topic, so I will stop because I could go on and on and on.

[kp2171]

Why not just live together, be together, but not marry. Marraige is like a big burden, forcing you to stay with the person you love. I know, people will argue, but you are supposed to stay with them, but whats the point of forcing something that is not there.

btw, im 14, and have no plans for marraige or anything. just wondering.

For some, simply being together is enough. My great-grandfather was with a woman for over 20 years later in life. They were not married, but happy and committed together. And I know of another couples who were together as life partners but never married.

And, as was mentioned, many people do separate and divorce, so its not a simple issue, even for people with 2-3 times the life experience that you have had.

I've dated seriously... among other, shorter relationships, I had relationships of 7 years and 2 years before I was married. I've been married over 6 years now, add dating and we've been together over 8 years.

Does being married make it a stronger relationship? Yes. In my opinion it does. Even though you certainly CAN abandon a marriage, there is a security and comfort in knowing that the other person has declared their lifelong intentions before you, their family, friends, and their faith (if they are religious). And there is something that grounds you when you put yourself in that same place. You have formally committed yourself to this person and this relationship... if you do it right, it isn't the prison sentence that you make marriage seem to be.

Those who celebrate their marriage, celebrate their relationship. It is a lifelong celebration, that takes work and commitment. Marriage usually doesn't fail... it's the failure of one or both people to honor, respect, and celebrate their relationship that fails... so I don't think there is anything broken about marriage. What's "broken" is how people treat each other and themselves.

[talaniman]

My marriage of 32 years was a commitment before the God that we understood and the whole world That we would be together and go through the trails of life together and deal with whatever comes up... together. We dated and got to know each other for a couple of years before WE decided we loved each other enough to make that commitment. Honest communication and a devotion to each others well being is the foundation we built on. The trails and tribulations of life have bonded our souls together and taught us much about ourselves and each other and the learning never ever stops as does the process of growing together. To me there is no greater security or comfort than having a companion that will always be there for you in thick or thin, sickness and in health. If nobody cares how I feel I know she will and I feel the same about her. So if you take your time to choose your partner carefully a life time of love and happiness will be yours. If you don't you'll be another statistic of a failed relationship. KP is right its not the institution that's broken, it's the people and how they treat each other, that's the difference.

[valinors_sorrow]

This was a second marriage for both of us and we had none of the usual reasons to be married. We were both financially secure and living easily together without being married. We did not need to tell each other anything as that part was already well covered. However we wanted the rest of the world to know and this became the way to do that. On that note, I married him to be assured that he would be recognised and treated as my "One" until my dying days or a divorce, whichever came first and, I believe, he did likewise. There was no promise whatsoever of forever and ever in our vows since we felt that was too hypocritical for us. We had both learned some very painful lessons. There was a lot of present-tense declaration of love, honor, devotion, shelter from the storm, etc that is true even today - having now occurred one day at a time for all these years. In an odd way, we renew our vows daily and that has worked well for us.

[kp2171]

In an odd way, we renew our vows daily and that has worked well for us.

The only thing "odd" about this statement is why some never get this approach to marriage.

[s_cianci]

In my opinion, people who "shack up" are copping out. They want the benefits of marriage but don't want the commitment. They want to keep one foot out the door "just in case." In my opinion such an attitude is self-defeating and self-fulfilling in that if you think that something won't work out, you can bet that it won't. If you choose to live with someone but not marry them so you can leave if the going gets tough, then what's going to happen the first time you or your partner hits a bump in the road? You're going to bail out. Having a successful marriage requires communication and commitment and these are desirable traits for anyone to have, whether married or not. People who lack these traits are shallow and self-centered ; certainly not the type I'd want to live with for any length of time.

[cheechthecheechy]

by the way I am a guy =P

and anyway if marriage isn't forcing you to stay together, it is a big burden with having to get ad ivorce and stuff when u don't want to be with someone.

I mean u won't feel that much more special to someone, or someone special to you if you marry them. I mean, if you love them they'll always be special to you.

I guess I don't understand 'commitment' lol. Or well at least, don't understand what commitment is in a long marriage, I eman look at the stats, Heaps of people get divorces.

oh and by the way, I'm not religious, I'm an aetheist, or apathisst or w/e. hey ill start a thread for that! =P

ty for eveything but I'm still a bit confused. More info would be nice.

[valinors_sorrow]

Hmmmm... lots of great posts here but...

I think I see your dilemma better now though so I'll add this. You think the commitment part will override the desire part-- and a person could end up obligated to be with someone rather than want to be with someone or worse yet guilted into loving someone instead of honestly, spontaneously loving someone all because of the unnecessary burden of marriage. I know I thought about marriage like that in my youth.

For starters marriage, at some point in time, turns into something other than burden and you're just going to have to trust all us adults on that--- it really is like Karma said, your thoughts will change as you age. Don't make any commitment if it doesn't feel right -- especially this one.

Secondly, divorce is not that hard. In fact for those who are newly and happlily married it looks frightfully easy so there again it depends on your point of view, okay?

And lastly it takes being something of a mature person to be able to generate a love, a desire so HUGE that no obligation-seeming, guilt-inviting, scarey commitment called marriage could possible override and until you've experienced a love like that, it may be difficult to believe it exists. I can assure you I want my husband more than need him or feel obligated to him-- and should that change in some fundemental way, I would consider us to be in trouble and take appropriate measures about it too. And on the rare days I don't like him for a little while, the vows I took or rather the expectations I have of myself as his wife help ME to smooth over that rough patch at MY end until I am back to liking him as well as loving him. Again, if the rare days grew to be common, I would seek help for that too.

It's a good question that you ask and I hope to have shed better light this time. I would advise that, meanwhile at 14, just concentrate on growing up into the fine young man you seem headed for and your turn for some of this will eventually come, no doubt. And when you get there, if you still have uncertainty about the heaviness of the bonds of matrimony-- well, post it here, okay? I am sure LOL we'll still be here answering away!

[talaniman]

Hi cheech, I hope I can give you the info your curious about. Marriage is an institution where a man and woman officially get together to work to raise children and care for them in a stable environment. The children grow and repeat this process and so on and so on... this is what we call society. Now through the years society has changed we still make babies but relationships have changed and less and less people are doing things their parents did. The children are still being born but the parents either don't get married or they end up divorcing after a short time. Mostly because they are young and just want to get together and play house. They soon find that life is tougher and more serious and the relationship isn't strong enough to last through those tough times so they go their own separate ways. Many just want to get out of the house so they find someone to live with and they think their in love ,but soon find out that they were not, so they go their separate ways. Commitment in a marriage is when two people decide after much talk and planning that they will get together and raise children and give them a stable home. Yes you are right at least half the people get divorced. But whether they stay together or not the main issue is the children and they may not live together but still have to work together to raise their children. That in itself is a commitment. I hope I helped you some, if not let me know.

[cheechthecheechy]

Ahhh yes! Good point talaniman! I forgot aobut kids! Oh how could I!

I guess marriage could be a bind or commitment to give your kids a nice home. Haven't given this much thought, but what are the benefits of having kids in a marriage, and in a de facto relationship? Can you even have kids in de facto? I haven't seen this many times myself...

Plus I wouldn't want to get a divorce, mainly for the same reason why I wouldn't want to go into a relationship with a girl who has been divorced. I don't know why, but I just would not feel comfortable. Its like being arrested lol.

Keep them coming, I'm finding this quite interesting.

[talaniman]

No one wants a divorce, but it happens, but the advantage of having kids in marriage is mainly a tax thing with the government and even bigger is the stability that kids can have where they know their family members and get to know their roots and bond as a family unit. You don't have to be married to enjoy these things but a lot of people mostly older look down on shacking up or living together without being married as a sin, so they react a little different toward the couple or sadly the children. Whether married or de facto as you call it, the children come first. I've been married for 32 years to the same woman have 2, 30 something kids, grand kids the whole works and not to say its easy or I live in paradise, but we are all happy people, so your fear of the unknown is normal, but sometimes you got to do what you got to do and just keep working at it. As you grow older as some here have said you'll see things clearer as well as differently. Especially when the females start taking over your thoughts .

[NeedKarma]

I guess i dont understand 'commitment' lol.

Dude, you're 14, you haven't even starting dating yet. You'll eventually understand the concept of commitment with some life experience of good relationships behind you.

A little fact: if you have co-habitated with someone for a while (6 months here in Canada) you are deemed common-law spouses in the eyes of the law. Any breakup that occurs will entail a division of assets whether it's voluntary or not. The "divorce" part has to do with a church marriage and is the least of your concerns.

Bottom line: no need to worry about marriage vs no marriage - start by having healthy relationships and choosing a mate that is right for you.

[Sword32]

There are 100 reasons to get married and 100 reasons not to.

Im 32 when I grew up it was romantic to get married and spend the rest of your life with someone.. All the girls at my school from a very young age imagined meeting Prince Charming but really visualised their dream wedding they knew everything from location weather to the color of the flowers the cut of the dress so in essence for many women it became a lifelong dream. That in itself is a good enough reason.

To be Man and Wife implies something more than just boyfriend and girlfreind, it's a PUBLIC commitment to one another in the pressence of all your close friends and family that you will do everything humanly possible to make the other person happy. It's a vow to god that you will never betray her / him its an afirmation and a celebration of your love. Its one of the greatest memories you will carry with you through your life as one of the happiest days of your life right up there with the birth of your children.

I could list 1000 reasons to get married and sit here all night explaining them..

There really is only 1 reason to get married though and that is because you are both in love and its what you both want, that that love is so special you want to share it will all those you care about, to tell your partner that you love them so much that they are the only person in the world to you and you will make that vow in front of god and forsake all others.

Unfortunately because it is such a fantasy for many women growing up and men often see it as a way of keeping a woman it is often rushed, things happen fast its still the lust desire the crazy getting to know each other satge it feels amazing and while your on the momentum of that rush into marriage.. You do need to give each other time you need to know each other need to have similar outlooks on life share similar goals and both want the same things or at least things that are not complete oposites.

Marriage doesn't save anything nor does having children it just delays the inevitable unless you both work things out. Your right its also not needed you could live together as boyfriend and girlfriend all your life if that was BOTH your choices but if that woman or man in the relationship wants to get married sooner or later he or she will find someone who will marry them..

One other thing marriage does is it adds another level of security to a relationship another barrier between you and your partner and the outside world, it can make you stronger. Society also puts a lot of preasure on people to get married so does religeon. Peer preasure...

Anyhow sorry much rambling...

[cheechthecheechy]

np, your rambling is essays to my eyes =P (sorry for cheap simile thingy).

guess I understand now, or at least understand that I have to wait to understand =P

ty everyone!