[idontknowwhat]

Hiya - never posted anything like this before but here it goes:

I am 35 years old and my wife has asked be to give her space while she finds out who she - I am due to leave home tomorrow for two weeks is and it hurts. Home includes a seven year old girl who's birthday is the following Saturday - which I have been told that I can come back for - it will obviously be difficult.

She tells me I don't listen to her however I have found it very hard to do so for lots of reasons including the fact that she has a mild mental illness/depression/anger. We have tried various counseling before for other subjects but not found it to be helpful. She had a problematic childhood and the last person only wanted to talk about that which caused her to loose interest because she has done that to death previously.

Up until a couple of days ago there was a lot of focus on having more children from her - she would not let go and in the end I wrote a list of my concerns so she could understand why I didn't feel more children was an option and said to her that if she could help me with the list then I might be able to change my mind.

That boiled over and forced me to start reading posts like the ones here to try and understand. It turns out the real issue is that she has lost herself and that she resents me for pushing and needing too much. This is hard for me because of lots of things in our nine year history, I work long hours and deep down I feel she is unmotivated, gives up on something's easily and does not contribute enough because of it. She is trying which is nice and recently she realized that her anger was very negatively effecting everything and tries to catch herself which was a pleasant relief.

I feel hurt, alone and a small bit angry/resentful - she is my best and only real friend and she can't try to fix this with me. In fairness she has said most of the things previously but I feel that she wants them handed to her on a plate or at the very least expects me to enable/arrange it - given our past I can now see why she thinks like that but it has been tough to realize this.

We both wrote letters after we realized what the root (or close to root) issue was. Hers said, and I am paraphrasing as it is hand written she loved me but needed to motivate herself and needed me gone to do that. I will attach mine below.

As I have said I have found this very difficult to understand and we both admit mistakes but I have had to push or need to push her to understand and she resents me further for that. Last night she went into a bit of a panic and repeated over and over two weeks will not be enough because I am not trying to change straight away.

Help, Advice or Comments very welcome!


------------------- letter to wife ----------------------

What I wanted to say is that I need to understand that you are working towards getting us back together as a family via sorting yourself out while I am away which will be two weeks. You have also hinted that you want me to change during this time and I have some ideas but when you are ready - perhaps in a few days we can discuss this again.

You keep on saying that I want you to be dependent on me and you mentioned the word slave yesterday. This is absolutely not the case although it obviously feels like it. I want you to be the best you can be within our family. I thought you could do things for yourself, for example booking driving lessons - which I am sure you have money for in the bank or at the very least you could have booked it and asked me for additional money if you did not have enough - I understand now that you have not felt you could do those things because of my reactions. You have said that you understand that these things become responsibilities for me on top of other things which is why I more often than not do not have the energy to do them for you. It is obvious we need to make time to discuss these things on a regular basis perhaps weekly and not neglect them as we have in the past. I think this is want you want as well and you can help by organizing and laying it out for me when we discuss these things.

In my mind because I need to work long hours to keep us all in the lifestyle we have I thought it was reasonable to expect, or that you would want to, contribute to our family by doing things like keeping the house tidy, cooking dinner and looking after KIDS NAME. I can understand that at the moment you are not doing them for yourself - because they are not getting done I comment and then I become the focus of the chore which is building resentment against me.

There have been many different situations in our time together which have contributed these feelings and miscommunication starting right from the word go. We have both sacrificed a lot while becoming a family but I love my family and wouldn't want to be without you.

One of the things that contributes to this situation is that by my nature I normally speak my mind as I think it - this does not help when I say the wrong thing when I mean something else which then provokes you and recently you have got more angry which has in turn closed me up more, you say I do not listen to you and I think the same is true in reverse. BTW - previously when you said I did not listen I thought you meant it literally and has been a source of confusion and frustration for me as well.

While I am gone you are going to have many things to keep yourself busy with and KIDS NAME and your friends to keep you company - I am not like you in this respect in that I have not developed other relationships because of the additional demands both time and socially that this places on me and I find it easier to neglect which I guess makes me a little bit of a loner - but at the same time I have you and KIDS NAME to keep me company which gives me energy.

I need to understand the process because I need to understand that you want us to be a family together and at the moment it feels as though you suspect that there is not going to be that future and amongst other things you want to see what life would be like without me in it. I hear what you are saying about needing to do things for yourself and I agree that is important - but I suspect there is more as well which is deeply troubling to me.

[tamarachelsea]

Hi Idontknowwhat,

I am sorry for the situation you are in and have looked objectively from both sides because I grew up looking at both sides with my parents. My mother was a housewife and my father was the 'breadwinner' so to speak. From your view, as the provider so to speak, you are contributing to your family financially, in order for your wife and daughter to enjoy a stable home environment. And no, you wouldn't think its really too much to expect that given your at work all day that she 'works' at home, by way of household duties, meals and child rearing.

I never understood why my mother was so resentful of my father - seems like a fair trade.

But your wife needing to 'find herself' is the big flashing light here. Being a homemaker she has lost her identity. Her life revolves around home duties and your daughter. And whilst I'm sure she is glad to be in a position to focus on her family as a 'job', at the same time its an isolated role with little self satisfaction/reward. Your job probably allows you to interact with others, feel important and financially independent. If you do your job well, you are commended/rewarded/promoted etc. But I bet no-one stops to praise your wife on the awesome job she did cleaning the floor that day. If you did your job day in day out and no-one noticed your achievements etc, you would lose focus and motivation too.

Maybe you should encourage her to join a group or sport, or take classes in something that is rewarding and relaxing for her. Encourage her to have lunch with her girlfriends and hit the shops. Maybe you could give her a 'bonus' - we get gift vouchers at work for going above and beyond - maybe a gift voucher for a massage or a facial. Or a girls only weekend with old friends.

Once upon a time, she was probably footloose, fancy free and independent. Being a mother and homemaker, she has lost that and probably just wants a little of her old self back.

Hope this helps!

[ardahk]

Tamara, nail on head.

Well said :)

[idontknowwhat]

Thank-you for the response.

I showed her your post and she said she identifies with

Once upon a time, she was probably footloose, fancy free and independent. Being a mother and homemaker, she has lost that and probably just wants a little of her old self back

most.

Every night without fail I have thanked her for cooking dinner, regardless of if I did not like it or it was burnt or what ever - I recognize and appreciate the things that she does do. She tells me that she feels like I am judging her and that it is never enough.

[artlady]

Many women lose their identity when they become wife and Mom.
The challenge is keeping a life separate,having a rewarding hobby,doing work for the community,something that is theirs alone and an accomplishment that gives her a sense of individuality.

Ideally, a wife can achieve that with the support and backing of the husband.Why your wife feels the need to be totally free of your relationship ,in order to achieve personal goals is not clear to me.

No one likes to feel dependent and obligated.It lowers your self-esteem and you get a sense that you are never doing enough to compensate the person you are obliged to.

Separating is not my idea of constructively working on the problem.
The problem is one of communication and by stopping all communication,clearly,the issue is just being swept under the rug.

I think just because you have had a less than positive experience with therapy in the past,does not mean there is not another therapist out there that can help you.

You are paying for a service and you have every right and even an obligation to tell the therapist what you want and need from therapy.Shop around if you must .

I think counseling is your best option. Separating is just running away from the issue and serves no purpose except to put off the inevitable,which is facing the problems together and tackling them one at a time.

[idontknowwhat]

I feel the same way but I wish I could convince her of that

[artlady]

You can't force her to be with you but you do not have to leave your home simply because she has asked you to.Does she still love you? If she has any feelings for you she is not showing much consideration.
Wanting to have a baby one week and then splitting up the next indicates her total confusion.Its like she is drowning and grabbing at anything to save herself.Maybe she is having a bit of a mental break and in that case leaving her with your child may not be the best idea.I have no concrete answers here.You do have rights to your home and your child,she can't just blatantly deny you those rights.

[idontknowwhat]

Thanks again for the response.

I don't want to put more pressure on her at the moment because obviously she is not coping well. I don't want this thread to be a thread about her illness but I mentioned it because I thought it was relevant and a delicate situation.

I also am confident that she will do the best for our daughter and that she will come first although that will be tough.

[idontknowwhat]

I guess what I am looking for is advice on how to handle the situation - I am sometimes underdeveloped socially.

I am looking for someone to share my thoughts with because she is angry and hurt at the moment and I am provoking her when I disagree with her.

[tamarachelsea]

Maybe she should take the two weeks away from you and your daughter. I'm not sure what your financial situation is (nor is it my business!), but is it possible for her to get away on a little soul searching holiday, either solo or with a friend/sister/mum? Its amazing what a week or two away with some great books, beautiful scenery, far from the everyday blah of life (not to mention a lot of chocolate and a bottle of Sauv Blanc) can do for a woman.

I wouldn't think of it as a separation - everyone needs time to themselves and it just looks to me like she could use some quality 'me time'. You get to check out of family life for 8 or more hours a day at work - what's two weeks if it can bring some sparkle back into the life of the woman you love!

[idontknowwhat]

I suspect you are right - she has just told me that she is very self aware which I already knew. She said she feels like she is becoming numb and that is the worst thing that can happen.

She wants to prove that she can look after herself and our daughter - but I will suggest the holiday alternative as an option.

Its quite difficult as I am new to my job and I can not physically cater for our daughters needs as well as keep the job.

I can't help but feel that she is also being dramatic and forcing me to go so that I will learn a lesson as well - perhaps I am wrong. I already accept that things have to change.

[idontknowwhat]

Nope - not practical although perhaps for the future. She got exasperated after having to explain the practicalities and accused me of arguing when I said it was just a suggestion at the end.

[idontknowwhat]

She said that she needed to learn to cope while I was away

[talaniman]

1- Take the kids with you, and give her some her time.

2- Learn to shut up, as she is venting, and doesn't need your advice, or suggestions, be a good listener, not a fixer.

3) - Accept the way she does things as her way, its like love her whether she meets your standards, or not, lazy or depressed. You have resentments that come thru to her whether you know it or not.

4)- She wants space and opportunity to explore herself, GIVE IT TO HER, what ever she wants. My gosh man this is your partner, not the kid to be cared for or the dog to be trained.

Share and care and, not dictate. She will appreciate you and not be moving away. Less words or logic, more action to affection.

Learn to go fishing, or bowling, or whatever lightens you up. I have a cave I crawl in, get one.

In more than 30 years, I never cared whether the dishes were done, or not. If it was that big of a deal, shut up and do them yourself.

Now give her some dough, so she can go out with her friends, and unwind.

Retail relief is what females do!

Remember the shut up part. Learn when to use the most powerful tool a husband has...................say "YES DEAR"!!!

Good Luck

[idontknowwhat]

I was looking forward to your comments as I had read them in other threads and thought you made sense.

1- Take the kids with you, and give her some her time.

I can't as she has school and I have work however I can offer to take her the day after her birthday which I think I will do. Maybe I will see if I can stay in the house and if she wants to she can go somewhere else.

4)- She wants space and opportunity to explore herself, GIVE IT TO HER, what ever she wants. My gosh man this is your partner, not the kid to be cared for or the dog to be trained.

Sure but for example what about when she comes in late and leaves the front door unlocked - things like this can cause other problems.

Learn to go fishing, or bowling, or whatever lightens you up. I have a cave I crawl in, get one.

I have one - computers but I have found I spent too much time there. I think that perhaps one away from home would be good. I used to go biking and perhaps I will start that up again - horrible in winter though.

In more than 30 years, I never cared whether the dishes were done, or not. If it was that big of a deal, shut up and do them yourself.

Ok - I am not a neat freak, I do not mind some mess - but there is litter throughout our house and I have taken to doing a room every weekend.

When not working from home (which I thought would be better as I would not have to spend 3 hrs a day in the car - but is not so good as my family are finding the change hard and I can't concentrate) I leave home at 6:30am and often do not get home until 7:30pm and as I said I often feel drained. I feel that it is unfair to pickup after the day when I feel that she has not been motivated during the day - and it has been going on for years - this is difficult as I understand your comment about 'not a dog to be trained' but it is something that I find upsetting.

4)- She wants space and opportunity to explore herself, GIVE IT TO HER, what ever she wants.

I have to pack my bags after the kid goes to bed tonight - I think that is what I am doing but it feels wrong and I am still upset about it.

[talaniman]

So you serve your time, and not press. She will call when she gets her head together. I know it's a trip trying to do what you think is right, and make every one happy.

But for now, the emotional dust has to settle and you both could use the space.

Leave her alone, and focus on your child. Adults have adjustments to make, but children need love, and attention all the time. Don't forget that!

[talaniman]

Idontknowwhat;1532121, I was looking forward to your comments as I had read them in other threads and thought you made sense.

Thanks, believe me, been there done that, I have found it very helpful to lead by example, and actions, rather than through suggestion, and verbally, as people feel like they are being lead, rather than being worked with as an equal partner. That takes some letting go and some trust on your part, and being able to be flexible and adjust. You may not see instant results, but as you relax and let go, so does the whole household. Make them laugh not cry, and they will look forward to your tire A$$ dragging home. I smile and spread some love whether the house is a wreck or not.

I can't as she has school and I have work however I can offer to take her the day after her birthday which I think I will do. Maybe I will see if I can stay in the house and if she wants to she can go somewhere else.

Now that's a plan.

Sure but for example what about when she comes in late and leaves the front door unlocked - things like this can cause other problems.

I know my wife really well, so I know her short comings and just have her back. Check it yourself and not make a big deal out of it.

I have one - computers but I have found I spent too much time there. I think that perhaps one away from home would be good. I used to go biking and perhaps I will start that up again - horrible in winter though.

You need some guy friends. She needs some girlfriends.

Ok - I am not a neat freak, I do not mind some mess - but there is litter throughout our house and I have taken to doing a room every weekend.

My wife is a neat freak, and I let her be. When she takes a break, I say nothing about the lack of clean underwear. I can do without!:D

When not working from home (which I thought would be better as I would not have to spend 3 hrs a day in the car - but is not so good as my family are finding the change hard and I can't concentrate) I leave home at 6:30am and often do not get home until 7:30pm and as I said I often feel drained. I feel that it is unfair to pickup after the day when I feel that she has not been motivated during the day - and it has been going on for years - this is difficult as I understand your comment about 'not a dog to be trained' but it is something that I find upsetting.

Depression often makes one unmotivated, has she seen a doctor?? This is something you make adjustments to as she has a right to her bad days, just handle your business and don't be upset, why should you be, as she probably can't help it!! Support and understand, and don't build resentments, they do no good and can destroy a good attitude.

Talaniman Rule- empathy goes a long way!!

[idontknowwhat]

Thanks

[idontknowwhat]

So I have left home - I tried not to be too upset saying good-bye to by daughter but I don't think it worked - she has called me twice already today which is nice as I need a friend.