[Lookingforpeace]

Hi all

My wife and I recently separated after 16 happy years of marriage. She has decided she is gay and has had two affairs with women.

I believe she is in a relationship with my 14yr-old daughters' form tutor - someone they respect and speak to a lot.

We are just starting negotiations on divorced etc and my children value the relationship with their tutor. I:

1) Believe two consenting adults should be free to do what they want and want my wife to be happy
2) Believe this teacher to be a good teacher
3) Have the interests of my children forefront
4) Believe there is a conflict of interests in this situation. It just all feels wrong!
5) Do not know what to do about it

I don't want to rock any boats - my wife is currently not prepared to discuss this particular thing with me, though every thing else about our split is currently amicable. I feel like I should go and talk with the teacher? Or the head? But what are they going to do?

Is it better for my kids to have no contact with this person, or better to leave things as they are and hope nothing bad happens between my wife and this tutor. The kids are pretty embarrassed currently that their mum is gay and don't what this to get out at school, and of course they don't know of my wife's latest fling with their teacher.

It's all so confusing!!

[trmpldonagn]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It is a tough situation. I would say by all means talk to your soon to be ex but you say she's not ready to talk about this. Can you keep trying to talk to her about it without having a blow up? Can you stress to her how much you would like to and need to discuss this with her? Since everything else is amicable, I know you don't want to rock that boat. In time, it has to be addressed for you. Can you talk to anyone else who may be able to guide you? As you said, someone at the school? I know it's a touchy subject, but even the school counselor maybe? I don't want to give my (other) advice just yet because I surely do not want to mislead you. I will patiently await with you for an answer/other posts since I see your question is fairly new. Hang in there. I want to and will follow up on this with you. You seem like a very kind man who respects his estranged wife which is wonderful. It's great to see you so concerned about your children as well and I think things will be just fine eventually. Years ago, maybe not so soon to 'jump the gun' but nowadays? It's being put more and more into the limelight so to speak.

[Lookingforpeace]

Hi trmpldonagn

Thanks for your considered and kind comments. I finally managed to talk with her about this, though she's still not telling me the whole truth. She say they are just good friends and that something could have happened. They apparently discussed that they should keep things on a friendship level and not take things too far at this stage.

I know my wife very well, and saw evidence last year - emails etc - to suggest that she was really trying for something more. I know she has googled things like "can a parent have an affair with a teacher" etc etc etc and her behaviour, defensiveness and other things suggest to me there is much more to this than just friendship.

She was very defensive and it took a couple of 'falling out' conversations before she even admitted they had discussed the possibility of a relationship. Maybe I have become a little cynical than before, but it is my experience that people (especially lesbians) generally don't sit down in a rational manner and discuss the prospect of a relationship. Usually, they wake up together in the morning and might chat about whether they should carry on doing it.

I'm still not sure what to do. My gut tells me to just keep silence and hope that no adverse harm comes to the kids. A day after the 'its just a friendship conversation' My wife lent my daughter a jacket as she was cold. My daughter started sniffing the collar, remarking how nice and perfumy it smelt, and that she had smelt it before... at school... on one of the teachers, but wasn't sure which one. I had to leave the dinner table and go back to my house in a mix of confusion, anger and betrayal.

How me and my wife communicate over the next couple of months dictates how we will be with other for the rest of the kids' lives and all I want is some respect and honesty and a discussion about the potential impacts on the kids. When she brushes it off with just 'friendship' then we can't have those conversations.

Best wishes trmpldonagn and thanks again

[artlady]

I fully understand your concern for your children and the I think it is admirable that you are making every effort to be on good terms with their mother.

Clearly,you can not force her into a confession regarding her relationship with the tutor so I would hold off on any accusations.

The children are going through a difficult enough transition with the acceptance of their Moms sexual turnaround and the divorce,they do not need an added burden of a new relationship in the mix.I believe that should be any relationship.It is too soon and it is asking the children to accept too many changes all at once.

I would express that to your ex and tell her that the children are top priority and they need time to adjust before she brings another person into the mix.Especially someone the children know.They are in a vulnerable place right now and all attention should be paid to their needs and feelings at this time.

Best of luck.

[trmpldonagn]

Hi LFP, That's great that your wife says that she and her lover should keep things on a friendship level and not take things too far at this stage. It shows that she is considering the children and their vulnerability right now. That's a very good thing. I can also see why still you are uncomfortable. You don't want their to be any surprises or the kids finding out something anyway. As ArtLady says, they are dealing with a lot right now. I was about 13-14 when my parents were divorcing and believe me, there were some things that came up that I rather would not have dealt with at the time or heard. But you survive. I just pray that they don't have any more curve balls so to speak that are thrown their way. Keep us posted and I do hope this all turns out OK eventually with time.