[bsumner6364]

I'm 42 and met a man online who is 40 and we have chatted via Instant Messenger for 5 months, then finally met in person for dinner on Christmas Day. It was his idea. He was VERY nervous and that is when I noticed the prolonged/stuttered speech but it did NOT bother me in the least. I am very attracted to him but I am having difficulty with getting him to meet me for the second time. From our online converstions I believe he is very in experienced and nervous and too shy to commit to a second meeting. He says he really likes me too but he says he wants to "procrastinate" about our next date. Any advice?

[smoothy]

If he is shy take the lead... but don't be too forward.

[Choux]

At 40, this man has serious personalilty problems.
The LAST thing you need as you pass through middle age into old age is a burden who will cause you unhappiness.
Go looking for another guy, is my opinion.

Best wishes, :)

[smoothy]

At 40, this man has serious personalilty problems.
The LAST thing you need as you pass through middle age into old age is a burden who will cause you unhappiness.
Go looking for another guy, is my opinion.

Best wishes, :)

And there is something to be said about that approach too... some people just won't get over their problem. And you don't need that. Some will, some won't. Personally I'd find it frustrating as hell to deal with someone who won't or can't get over it. If he hasn't had counseling for this before then you might assume he doesn't care to change. In that case it's a waste of time. Some people are destined to be alone... sometimes by their own actions or inaction.

[linnealand]

I do think this question might be better suited for the relationship boards, but I must tell you how glad I am to have stumbled across your inquiry.

Obviously it's impossible to declare what kind of a person this man is from the limited information we've been given. That said, the part of your description that is shooting off the screen for me is about him stuttering.

One of my very close relatives is actually one of the country's foremost experts in the field of stuttering. Through her, I have learned so much about the pain, shyness, embarrassment and difficulties that stutterers face, both within themselves and out in the world.

To you and me, stuttering might seem like no big deal. To severe stutterers, however, fears related to their stuttering can consume their lives. You wouldn't believe the stories of pain and avoidance I've heard because of it.

If this man's stuttering is anywhere from moderate to severe, I would have little doubt that the reason he used a method of non-verbal communication to meet you was because it meant that he wouldn't have to speak from the start... or risk rejection because of his stuttering.

If he has been avoiding any major elements of his life because of his stuttering, which could easily involve romantic relationships, I wouldn't be surprised if he were shy, reserved or insecure with you. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he felt himself in a catch 22 situation -- stuttering worsens with stress, and stress worsens with stuttering.

There are qualified speech pathologists out there who specialize in stuttering and are truly capable of ameliorating even the most difficult cases. The problem is, however, that there are also a lot of speech therapists who really don't know what they're doing when it comes to stuttering.

If you think that this man's shyness could be related to his stuttering more than anything else, and if you have fallen for the charm and goodness that kept you curious enough to chat with him for 5 months, then you will need to decide if his merits outweigh his shyness and his hesitations. We definitely can't make that call for you. If you are still interested in him, let's just hope that he opens up as soon as he realizes that his stuttering alone won't be the thing that drives you away.

By the way, you might benefit from learning more about stuttering in general. I think that few people realize how significant it can be for people who suffer from it.

Stuttering - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
List of stutterers - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It sounds like you really do like him. Arrange a second date. Tell him he doesn't have to be so shy, and keep it light. See how the second date goes. Good luck!

[ja77]

I think in a nice warm way you should let this guy know the way you really feel - communication is going to be a big part if you really want things to move forwards.

Why not set up meeting this guy with out making it look like a date, ask him to grab a coffee or something like that.

[chrissymarie]

I've had this same problem... I went on a date with a guy I met online who stuttered on the date but it didn't bother me at all. He was funny and handsome and our date when great and at the end of the that we even started to plan our next date but I never heard from him again. I ran into one of his friends online and he said that he does that a lot because he's super shy, but he really liked me. I still never heard from him. I really don't think there's anything you can do about a shy guy like that. You just kind of have to stick around a move slowly with him and hope that he'll warm up to you.

[liz28]

The question is "How long are you willing to wait?"