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Justwantfair · Feb 17, 2009, 03:44 PM

Feel free to come rant anytime that you want to, we have all been there and you will be surprised how in the next couple weeks reading back through your own posts and advice helps to heal some of the hurt.

Do everything you can to take it day by day. Anger will get you through this short period, but you will run through MANY emotions in the up and coming months. We are all here. :) Good luck and God bless.

ba9876 · Feb 18, 2009, 04:09 AM

I am feeling so confused today. I always looked for the best in my ex but now she has been exposed as a vindictive, lying, cheating, scheming person. Most of all selfish, with not enough guts to actually be truthful or true to me after 3 and a half years living side by side. And to think I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I just can't believe how much my view of her has changed overnight.

How has anyone here coped with these feelings of anger and resentment towards one you've loved for so long? I really want to call, email, text anything that will let her know in no uncertain terms how I feel. Probably no point in the end but Im actually smarting thinking how we parted (reasonably amicably and what I thought was real emotion) and that she has a sense that I actually fell for her "i just want to be alone to sort my head out" rubbish. She just has to know how she acted is not any way for one person to treat another.

neverme · Feb 18, 2009, 04:50 AM

You know what she will know if you ring, text or email?

That she got to you... and probably think you're a psycho. Are you going to let this coniving woman have yet another one over on you?

And what will you feel?

Like s*#t as soon as you see the 'sent' sign. You will only disapoint yourself in sending it.

Normally what I find really helpful is to write down everything that I would say exactly as I would say it if I was to be totally honest, nasty and angry and possibly a little bitter... maybe that's just me, lol,. then re-read it and the last and most important part burn it.

There is a real release of emotions when you've written it all down and then burnt it.

Maybe try it.

The most important thing is that you don't lose your dignity and self respect in this situation. Just look at the last time you wanted to contact her, see how much better it was that you didn't?

ba9876 · Feb 18, 2009, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by neverme

You know what she will know if you ring, text or email?

That she got to you...and probably think your a psycho. Are you gonna let this coniving woman have yet another one over on you?

And what will you feel?

Like s*#t as soon as you see the 'sent' sign. You will only disapoint yourself in sending it.

Normally what I find really helpful is to write down everything that I would say exactly as I would say it if I was to be totally honest, nasty and angry and possibly a little bitter...maybe that's just me, lol,...then re-read it and the last and most important part burn it.

There is a real release of emotions when you've written it all down and then burnt it.

Maybe try it.

The most important thing is that you don't lose your dignity and self respect in this situation. Just look at the last time you wanted to contact her, see how much better it was that you didn't?

Of course. Yes you are right, there is nothing to gain from doing that except the releif of a temporary vent. I can only lose myself respect and I can't go down that road. I feel bad enough as it is. Writing this down seems to help, I'm grateful for this sounding board.. I have read tons of others stories, and no matter what you always think you know your situation better and that you will be the exception to the rule. But when reality hits, like it did for me last night. It hits hard. Thank you again everyone for listening to my story, I will try to keep this as a journal as suggested.. I will do my best to help others on this board once my emotions have settled a bit.

ba9876 · Feb 19, 2009, 03:00 AM

The feeling of almost cretainly having been cheated on is starting to sink in. I now feel utterly despondant. I sometimes do wish I didn't know she had someone else as the pain is almost unbearable sometimes. Especially today when it is her birthday. However, I know if I was stilll unaware of her other man then if I'm honest she would still be on a pedestal to me. I would be wanting to contact her to wish her happy birthday, at least now I don't care if she has a happy birthday or not.

I think even though I was the one that finally chose to bring the on/off thing we were doing to an end, I was in denial and thought she would come back when she realised what a mistake she made and how much she loved me. I always hoped my suspicions of her cheating were unfounded. Its small consolation to know my instincts were right. I just want to rewind to 1 year ago and we were happy, celebrating..

kctiger · Feb 19, 2009, 06:44 AM

Originally Posted by ba9876

The feeling of almost cretainly having been cheated on is starting to sink in. I now feel utterly despondant. I sometimes do wish I didnt know she had someone else as the pain is almost unbearable sometimes. Especially today when it is her birthday. However, I know if i was stilll unaware of her other man then if im honest she would still be on a pedestal to me. I would be wanting to contact her to wish her happy birthday, at least now i dont care if she has a happy birthday or not.

I think even though I was the one that finally chose to bring the on/off thing we were doing to an end, I was in denial and thought she would come back when she realised what a mistake she made and how much she loved me. I always hoped my suspicions of her cheating were unfounded. Its small consolation to know my instincts were right. I just want to rewind to 1 year ago and we were happy, celebrating..

All right, time for some fact checking:

1. Her cheating has NOTHING to do with you, it is a character flaw in her (IF she did indeed cheat)

2. IF she did indeed cheat, it DOES NOT matter

Seriously, you have now found your "closure." An ultimate end to a chapter that ended a long time ago. Do not blame yourself for her actions. Take responsibility for yourself, and that is all. Closure comes in all forms, and whether the reasons surrounding it are true or not, it usually signals the beginning of the healing process. Now, you can TRULY begin to get yourself back. Today is day 1 my friend. The time is YOURS.

ba9876 · Feb 19, 2009, 07:44 AM

On one hand I would feel like a fool if Im accusing her of cheating when she did not. On the other her being with a new guy less than 2 weeks after she moved out of my place probably means that this was what she was always wanting to do regardless. So yep it is closure in any event. I think she actually tried to drive me to the end of my tether with her actions, so that I HAD to throw her out - so she didn't seem like the bad person in all of this... I know all I have is circumstancial evidence before relationship end, but there were so many red flags at this stage it would probably stand up in a court of law... anyway she will never admit cheating so the point is moot. And like you say it really doesn't matter - it is done and dusted

KC, thank you mate, your advice is as always totally correct, appricated and a big reality check on what has been a miserable day for me. I have read your threads and I see were were in a similar situ, I admire how you've came through this and only hope I can get to the point you are at ASAP. Ive certainly learned a good few (and harsh) lessons in life from this whole experience.

Anyway I have a couple of sports activities and a big night out organised for the weekend so hopefully I can concentrate on making me happy instead of continually thinking about all this nonsense...

kctiger · Feb 19, 2009, 07:47 AM

Originally Posted by ba9876

On one hand I would feel like a fool if Im accusing her of cheating when she did not. On the other her being with a new guy less than 2 weeks after she moved out of my place probably means that this was what she was always wanting to do regardless. So yep it is closure in any event. I think she actually tried to drive me to the end of my tether with her actions, so that I HAD to throw her out - so she didnt seem like the bad person in all of this... I know all I have is circumstancial evidence before relationship end, but there were so many red flags at this stage it would probably stand up in a court of law... anyway she will never admit cheating so the point is moot. And like you say it really doesnt matter - it is done and dusted

KC, thank you mate, your advice is as always totally correct, appricated and a big reality check on what has been a miserable day for me. I have read your threads and I see were were in a similar situ, I admire how youve came through this and only hope I can get to the point you are at ASAP. Ive certainly learned a good few (and harsh) lessons in life from this whole experience.

Anyway I have a couple of sports activities and a big night out organised for the weekend so hopefully I can concentrate on making me happy instead of continually thinking bout all this nonsense...

Like I said, it is a process baby! But, I truly think it is the BEST thing that ever happened to me. You are a good man, and you will be there soon. I look back now, and I get very irritated at how much time I truly wasted on worrying about this stuff. But, I think it was for the best. It won't happen ASAP... that is for sure... but, it WILL happen, and all I can say is that at the end of that rainbow... it is F-ING SWEET!! Good luck man! We are all here for you.

Dare81 · Feb 21, 2009, 03:19 AM

Concentrate on something else, you are going to kill yourself thinking about her, did she cheat on you who knows, but its time to move on.Keep yourself distracted

ba9876 · Feb 23, 2009, 04:41 AM

She texted me out of the blue, saying how sorry she was for hurting me and what an idiot she was. Also saying I'm a good man, and she hopes I can forgive her. She said the reason she ran away was because she didn't think I would give her her dreams, and now she knows it doesn't work like that. Im not sure if this means she's testing the waters to see if we can get back, I'm also not sure if she knows that I know about her other fellow (if indeed she still has him). She does for once seem remorseful..

Anyway - do I ignore the text? I think I already know the answer to that.. I don't know what I would say to her in any event. At this point I still love and miss her but I would never put myself through this again, especially since another has been involved, on whatever level.

oldenoughtoknow · Feb 23, 2009, 05:17 AM

Do not reply to that text you will only regret it. You've had your closure she moved on, maybe its not working with her new bloke and she's testing the waters to see if she could come back or she is sorry and feels guilty (which she should) in any event replying to that text would serve no purpose.

ba9876 · Mar 3, 2009, 05:44 AM

Latest update and vent.. I had a setback this last week, I stupidly went against advice (really sorry guys you were all right), and asked why she was texting me. Upshot is I still don't really know, she says she's not seeing the new person anymore - which may or may not be true. I suspect she was trying me with the friends/backup plan angle though. It has set me back a bit though. Started thinking it could all work out again, even after all that has happened. Im back to NC now, and I have no reason to break it. I just need to get better at ignoring and deleting her messages. I can't figure out why my heart still wants this girl in any capacity. I just hope my head fully and truly convinces my heart soon that she is not good for me..

mrpigz · Mar 3, 2009, 08:18 AM

I think is because you love her a lot. That's why no matter how bad she treats you, you still feel this way..

Anyway I know how you feel. But right now you should really ignore her. Right now, no matter how much you loved her, you must not have the thought of going back to her because of the way she treat you.

Unless IF she really did something sincere and really do something to show you that you are very important. But please don't keep this as a high hope. And I think if is about the backup plan, then I think you should be the one who treat her as backup plan instead.

If she is going to text you again about how sorry and how regretful she is. Ask her to show you, the actions. Don't use the "NATO" method, "No action talk only".

ba9876 · Mar 4, 2009, 03:46 AM

Thanks - You are right actions speak volumes, her text apology - although I'm sure she feels bad, I don't think she I really sorry for what happened and the way things turned out. If she really did regret it she would have made it clear she wants me back - which she hasn't.. I have made it clear that we can't be friends, so at least I think she has that message.

I think it is an interesting take, me keeping her as a back up plan as opposed to the other way. I know that seems like false hope or something, but it may be a way that I can temprarily trick my feelings to get through this easier. When Ive lots to do I think about her less... but on the occasions I do it is still very painful... so keeping these feelings on the back burner long enough they may fade to insignificance.

I really sometimes think getting another girl to hang out with at least, would help me a lot.