[ba9876]

Hi this is my first post, although I have been looking here for a while - and see many others in a similar situation to mines.

It's a long story I will try to summarise as best as I can: My girlfriend of 3.5 years and I broke up at the end of October last year. (im 31 and she 27) Time to think she called it as per usual. All over I thought and I was devastated, tried pleading for a few days, but gave that up when it was doing no good at all.

The unusual thing was that she would not let go. She did not want to move her stuff out of my place. I had to basically be really insistant she did this, this after a month of our split, and she took that as a sign of me throwing her out.. go figure.. I never wanted a break in the first place. Anyway round about Christmas she comes back to me, and says she wants to try again. So we have a good time over Christmas and New Year, but avoiding discussing or trying to resove any issues that caused us to split in 1st place. As soon as I try to even bring up addressing them and how to move on she becomes more and more distant.

I have also found out that she went out a another guy when we were split up, a couple of times. However she says this was just friends, and she is very convincing, swearing on her parents lives even.. so I believe her initially (probably because I really want it to be innocent). On top of this I found out she lied to me about other things, even after we got back together at christmas, like her whereabouts on some evenings - texting me saying she was going to bed and she was really out somewhere. Again she gave me excuses that were plausible - but no real excuse for the pre meditated lies. I feel like she is playing me and just keeping her options open, and I am devastated as I have never loved anyone so much in my life..

So as of today I have decided to call it quits with her. She is coming down tonight for the rest of her things. I just need to be strong and be sure I am doing the right thing.

A part of me still wants to believe that she has not been up to anything like cheating, but genuniely just wants time to think things over. To this end I am worried I am giving up on the love of my life, by not showing any trust in her. I think I have good reason not to be too trusting though, and I have had a 1/4 of a year of hell on this rollercoaster of 'im confused, I want you, I don't want you.. etc'.

My head tells me I am being mucked about but without 100% proof I am worried I am making a big mistake breaking it off.

What do you guys think, am I doing the right thing by walking away?

[zeeniee]

Hi Ba7876,

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to make this decision. I think you did the right thing.

1) She leaves you and then she comes back

2) YOu try to address your problems regarding this relationship and she becomes distant

3) You find out things that make you loose your trust in her and the relationship

I think you can already feel in your heart that in order to put things right- both you and her will really have to work on a lot of things. The fact is she is not really willing and so it will be a matter of time when things will fall apart again.

If she really wants this to work- she would have shown you in many ways- sadly that is not the case.

Looks like she just wanted her butter on both sides of the bread... well I don't think that is v fair to you.

Good luck and I hope you are strong when she comes and gets her stuff

[kctiger]

Doing the right thing is only your thought to have. I have no idea. I will say, that without trust, no relationship can survive. You don't seem to trust her anymore, and regardless of why, that is pretty much a deal breaker.

So, the key issue here is whether YOU believe you are doing the right thing. No one on this website can tell you that from a few paragraphs after you have spent 3 1/2 years with this person. I think you are doing what you feel you HAVE to do, and I commend you for that. It is hard to let go, but worth it in the end, rather than staying in a dead end relationship, wasting the lives of both parties involved.

Good luck. You have to be strong to make this kind of decision, and it is hard, but I think, in your mind, you truly know you have to do this...

[talaniman]

What do you guys think, am I doing the right thing by walking away?

No, you should be running. The biggest red flag, when honest communications is replaced by a cool distance by your partner. It meant she was not interested in working anything out.

[ba9876]

Thank you so much for your answers.

I really wanted it to work things out, but just can't see a way anymore. So yes I think I have to do this for the sake of my own sanity more than anything else.

Talaniman: its not so much a cool distance, its more just not wanting to dicsuss the 'difficult issues' to get back on track - and she will avoid me - and contact me when she maybe has nothing better to do (maybe I'm being unfair here). She has never been much good at discussing uncomfortable things tbh

Anyway Ive caught her lying, she was hiding this other new 'guy friend' from me until a 3rd party informed me.. so she's went from being an angel in my eyes to being capable of anything.. and I know that's not healthy...

Not looking forward to doing this tonight,

Anyway many thanks again for the support, it is very much appriciated..

[450donn]

Sad. But I hope that you learn something from this ordeal.
I do not know what the core issues were/are in your relationship with this girl. 3-1/2 years is a long time without a marriage license. Maybe she figured out that you wanted all the freebees without marriage, Who knows?
I guess the bottom line is that unless both of you are willing to work things out through professional help it is over for good.

[kctiger]

Sad. but I hope that you learn something from this ordeal.
I do not know what the core issues were/are in your relationship with this girl. 3-1/2 years is a long time without a marriage license. Maybe she figured out that you wanted all the freebees without marriage, Who knows?
I guess the bottom line is that unless both of you are willing to work things out through professional help it is over for good.

What? Since when does time have anything to do with marriage? I was in a nearly 5 year relationship, and never proposed. Does that mean I was just in it for the "freebies," whatever that means? This is a load of BS if I have ever heard. I just do not agree with that comment at all... sorry.

[Str8stack71]

Make your decision using your head, but always get a second opinion from your heart... sometimes even when you love some, you know that they are not good for you... in this case, you have to accept loving them from a distance... and that's my thoughts.

[450donn]

What?? Since when does time have anything to do with marriage? I was in a nearly 5 year relationship, and never proposed. Does that mean I was just in it for the "freebies," whatever that means? This is a load of BS if I have ever heard. I just do not disagree with that comment at all...sorry.

Do you know the girl that the OP is talking about? NOPE and I don't either. Many many women feel that they will give only so much time to a relationship and if marriage is not offered then it is time to move on. I was suggesting this might be the case. Your case might be different. I certainly would not stay in a relationship for 3-1/2 years IF I loved that person and not want to be married. But I am old fashioned you might not be. That is your right!

Freebees= Sex, cooking ,cleaning you figure out the rest!

[ba9876]

I certainly wasn't in it for freebies. I gave her more than enough back.

It wouldn't have mattered if we were married already or not, the same issues needed that caused the break up would have arisen.

I could go into these issues in detail - but they are probably irrelevant now at this stage. As with all these things I realise there was fault on both sides - nothing absolutely dreadful or insurmountable though - I thought we could resolve things with a little hard work. She obviously did not.

[kctiger]

Do you know the girl that the OP is talking about? NOPE and I don't either. Many many women feel that they will give only so much time to a relationship and if marriage is not offered then it is time to move on. I was suggesting this might be the case. Your case might be different. I certainly would not stay in a relationship for 3-1/2 years IF I loved that person and not want to be married. But I am old fashioned you might not be. That is your right!

Freebees= Sex, cooking ,cleaning you figure out the rest!

Call me old fashioned, but I have a little more faith in the average person... you may not, which is your right.

I have yet to meet a woman that provides any of those freebies, besides sex. Me, and every other one of my guy friends, are completely self sustaining, and don't need to be in a relationship so we can have someone cook and clean for us...

Didn't mean to offend.

Carry on... :cool:

[ba9876]

I did most of the cooking , she however do did a lot of the cleaning as I was informed I was not much good at it when I did try :) Half and half for the sex. Anyway.

[talaniman]

She was unwilling to do the work, through honest communications so be glad your out of there.

[ba9876]

Update: Well she came to get all the rest of her things and that was extremely tough. Very emotional, but I think there is an acceptance (on both sides) that this is the right thing to do. However I feel absolutely terrible, and empty, like a part of me has just died.

I guess its no contact now (one thing I've learnt from these forums!).. there are a couple loose ends to tie up, (cancelling joint stuff, dropping off spare keys) and she has already texted about that today. I will try keep any contact on this short and sweet. And I will also avoid seeing each other for any of this as that would be too hard..

Thank you for all your replies to my thread. To have independent opinon and support at this time is very valuable.

[neverme]

Ba,

This could seriously be my relationship, same timing and everything! I won't go into my story but the relationship didn't end with the mutual understanding yours did unfortunately.

You absolutely did the right thing. Your going to feel lonely and empty now rather than before because you have finally accepted, and so is she, that the relationship is O-V-E-R.

Not the easiest but at the same time better than all the confusion and frustration of the relationship.

[Dare81]

Do you know the girl that the OP is talking about? NOPE and I don't either. Many many women feel that they will give only so much time to a relationship and if marriage is not offered then it is time to move on. I was suggesting this might be the case. Your case might be different. I certainly would not stay in a relationship for 3-1/2 years IF I loved that person and not want to be married. But I am old fashioned you might not be. That is your right!

Freebees= Sex, cooking ,cleaning you figure out the rest!

This still does not justify the lying. How can u assume that she wants to get married??

[Dare81]

Update: Well she came to get all the rest of her things and that was extremely tough. Very emotional, but i think there is an acceptance (on both sides) that this is the right thing to do. However I feel absolutely terrible, and empty, like a part of me has just died.

I guess its no contact now (one thing ive learnt from these forums!).. there are a couple loose ends to tie up, (cancelling joint stuff, dropping off spare keys) and she has already texted about that today. I will try keep any contact on this short and sweet. And I will also avoid seeing each other for any of this as that would be too hard..

Thank you for all your replies to my thread. To have independant opinon and support at this time is very valuable.

Make sure u tie up all the lose end as soon as possible.I commend you for doing the right thing , I certainly could not have done what you did.
Remember this that it does get better with time and you will find someone better than your ex
Good Luck

[ba9876]

Thought I would vent a bit today as I am feeling a lost today. I have been about 3 half weeks since I split with the ex. I found out again from a 3rd party she moved into a new place only a week after we split, pretty quick going. NC has not been very easy for me, and in fact I have broken twice by text. 1st time asking her how she was settled in her new place, got back a simple "Yes its OK", 2nd time v-day. How daft - just told her I was thinking about her, she texted back saying she had been thinking about me too with a X at the end. I have to say I got a bit excited by such a minute gesture thinking we could all work it out again. After settling down I realise its most likely false hope. Im really thinking of asking her if she has someone else already, as I have suspected from her actions pre break up. This will allow me to bury any false hope - I know its breaking NC but don't you think it would help to know the truth? I do know this would knock me for 6 but I think I would find out at some point anyway, so better sooner than later. I have tried to assume that she is gone for good but there is always the background thought there that she is just having some time to herself and will realise how good she had it with me and come back.. knowing she had another guy would kill this.

NC is hard. Harder than I ever thought - why do you pine for someone who has put you through so much heartache it just doesn't add up.

[kctiger]

Thought i would vent a bit today as i am feeling a lost today. I have been about 3 half weeks since I split with the ex. I found out again from a 3rd party she moved into a new place only a week after we split, pretty quick going. NC has not been very easy for me, and in fact i have broken twice by text. 1st time asking her how she was settled in her new place, got back a simple "Yes its OK", 2nd time v-day. How daft - just told her i was thinking about her, she texted back saying she had been thinking bout me too with a X at the end. I have to say I got a bit excited by such a minute gesture thinking we could all work it out again. After settling down I realise its most likely false hope. Im really thinking of asking her if she has someone else already, as i have suspected from her actions pre break up. This will allow me to bury any false hope - i know its breaking NC but dont you think it would help to know the truth? I do know this would knock me for 6 but I think I would find out at some point anyway, so better sooner than later. I have tried to assume that she is gone for good but there is always the background thought there that she is just having some time to herself and will realise how good she had it with me and come back.. knowing she had another guy would kill this.

NC is hard. Harder than I ever thought - why do you pine for someone who has put you through so much heartache it just doesnt add up.

You were in love with her, and it isn't realistic that those feelings can just go away... otherwise, you wouldn't call it love. I would suggest staying away from the meaningless texts and other stuff that will give you false hope. As long as you have some type of hope for a reconciliation, you will NEVER heal. Of course, once I found out my ex was seeing another guy, that pretty much made it an easy option for me, and closed the door on any thoughts of us getting back together. I don't think she would tell you though.

Personally, I would just steer clear of the entire situation. Believe me, once you do find out she is with someone else, it will HURT... A LOT!

[ba9876]

This is unbelievable as I have not wrote here for weeks, and I felt compelled to today - and this happens:

I got a call tonight from my friend, who is in fact my exs brother in law (we have been friends for many many years before I was with her), to say that she now has a new guy. An older chap from her office, 12 years older than her. So now I have found out for sure. I knew due to the friend family connection I was always going to find out but I was willing to take the advice offered here, leave it until it played out, but there it is - my friend thought it was better I knew as he knows how much I loved her and couldn't go on seeing me wanting to get back with some girl who has totally dispresected me - and I am forever grateful for that. I am in a way glad I found out as this is only three weeks since we split, and I have suspected this guy - the same 'friend' as before we got back together for at Christmas. The speed of her actual move appalls me if Im being honest.

Do I feel better? Nope not at all. But I do feel vindicated that my suspicons were not those of some overly jealous person who was always checking up on her (I wasn't but she made me feel that way towards the end). She was actually making me think that I was the one to blame for evry part of the relationship breakdown of this and actually making me question my own sanity at times. So I feel better in that way. The sense of betrayal is not nice at all though.

This will help me move on as I know now. 100%. It is over. My glimmer of hope has now turned into something I would never hope for anymore. This is maybe just me having an upset rant at the minute. But no way would I allow a liar and a cheater back into my life.

Im starting to really believe in fate in this whole situation. Like the time I caught her lying I was just in the right (or wrong maybe) place at the right time. And it happens again just as I was starting to think about getting back in contact with her (thanks for the quick guidance here telling me no - I would have made a complete a$$ of myself either way it went). Every sign from above is pointing to the fact that we were never meant to be together..

But Im sure this will hurt in the coming days. Ive been on the rollercoaster long enough to know that!

Rant over!