[XM8]

Talaniman,

Thanks for that enlighting response.

I've been making a fool of myself on the internet...

I think when you approach females from that perspective, as people, and enjoy them for that, as your age group is about fun, you will have better options, and that rejection thing, so many are afraid of, will be replaced by confident experience.

That makes a lot of sense to me, the way you put it. You've got me thinking in an another direction now and broadened my horizons.

I guess it's better to just live every day as it comes, one day at a time.

Thanks for everything,

-Xm8

[XM8]

Threads merged

This may be a bit long, but please bear with me.

My first "love" started in the spring of 2007. Me and this girl became really good friends.. then she told me she got raped, which turned out to be bull and she got mad at me for months because I found out she was lying (by asking the "rapist").

When school started again, we hit it off. We kissed.. then we started doing more sexual activities and finally we had sex in march last year. Leading up to all of this, I sacrificed so much for this girl.

On certain nights I would tell my parents I was going out to rent a DVD. I would in reality be going to the movies with this girl, then I'd spent the whole night with her without telling my parents where I was. I did this because my parents forbid me to sleep over at friends' houses and I thought there was no other way.

My parents took extreme mesures to calm me down. My dad beat me as a punishment, my phone was taken away from me, I wasn't allowed on the computer etc.
I kept on doing such things, even skipping school, for this girl just to spend time with her. I did this, knowing the consequences because I thought that she was worth it. In the end I told her about how I was getting punished by not only my parents but by the school. Not only was I getting bad grades, but the school phoned the social services and assigned me a social worker because I was skipping school.

Then the BS started. This girl cheated on me a load of times. Once she made me wait 7 hours, then she turned up drunk and told me she made out with a guy she didn't even know.
She cheated on me with several other guys from school and never even told me about it, and the only way I found out was either from her girlfriends or from the guys she played around with. Like a fool I resorted to drinking, simultaneously hoping that she would out of sympathy stop messing around with me.

When confronted with the issue of her being unloyal, she would tell me "I'm not your girl friend, so stop blaming me".
You see the thing is, she would always spend time with me, and kiss me, and do everything with me - when I told her I loved her, she wouldn't even answer. Yet "officialy" we were never going out. When someone asked her about it, she would immediately deny it like she was embarrassed of me. And when I told my friends about our relationship she would get really annoyed. (I was not bragging about it).

Towards the 5th month of our "relationship" she suddenly "fell in love with me" and would answer when I told her I loved her, she acted differently, stopped making me wait all the time in the blistering cold and hell she even paid for some of my meals at mcdonalds (-.- big deal)

The day after my grandfather died, instead of comforting me, she broke up with me. She accused me of using her for sex, cigarettes and money.
As far as I can recall, I had always paid for everything with the last cent in my pocket. I never used her for sex, because I loved her. She cheated on me, I never did such a thing to her. And cigarettes.. well let's just say I only remember me buying all the smokes.

Recently I've been getting flash backs of memories with her and I'm feeling like I did something wrong. Like I'm the bad guy. I know I loved her, and I put her in front of everything. I know that she was manipulative, she lied, she was deceiving and at times just shat on me. I feel guilty that I lost my virginity to her.. Am I going nuts? Why should I feel bad? I get the impression I actually miss her, yet I know she was a pure b*tch.

I really need some help from someone who's been in that kind of situation and felt the same effects in the aftermath of the relationship.

Thanks,

-Xm8

[talaniman]

Crazy partners leave you feeling crazy. That's why you leave them alone and get some sanity back. It takes time.

[ThatGuy2]

-re: Seriously. Am I going crazy?

I've never been in a situation like this, but I think my advice is still applicable to you. Your relationship started with a lie and usually that will result to it ending with a lie as well. No girl is worth putting yourself through this torment, you can honestly do a lot better than her. From what you've typed out so far, the only thing you did "wrong", was sacrificing yourself for her and the relationship. However, she was your first love so I can totally understand where your coming from. She's just a stepping stone to the greater things in life that you will experience (I know that sounds bad, sorry). Memory flash backs are normal, but don't let it infest your mind and deteriorate your will to move on. Learn from this and become a better and stronger man. I suggest reading the stickies in the forum and maybe checking out other peoples stories and learn how they coped and dealt with heartbreak. Oh, and stop the sex as that may strengthen the shackles in which you are trying to break free from. I wish you the best of luck buddy.

[XM8]

Thanks ThatGuy2,

I know that relationship was probably a good life lesson, and it did make me strong in some ways. But sometimes when I'm alone, and I listen to a certain song.. it's the nostalgia that kills me. I feel hopeless, like my whole world is falling apart even though I know that's just absurd and childish.

Yea as for sex, I haven't had sex with anyone since her. I would chose a long lasting, romantic and soul-bonding relationship ANY day over sex. But I'm not your average guy so I'm not so sure I will even get the chance for that any time soon. I'm not ugly, or fat, or detestable I'm just a lone wolf and girls don't seem to dig that much. Pity, they don't know what they're missing.

-Xm8

[sylvan_1998]

You just need to wait for the girls to grow up and accept what you are offering. I would also caution you against hooking up with those that need "fixing" as (from what you describe and this is only my opinion) they will suck you dry and leave you out to pasture.

You have a lot to offer and need to find a healthy one to give it to. You are worth it.

Good L

[XM8]

Thanks a lot sylvan1998,

You're right about girls that need fixing. My ex was one of those, I just couldn't see that at the time. They're take and give nothing in return and it's really soul destroying.

Time will tell I guess,

-Xm8