[Blueberries]

Hello, all. I am new here and I hope to get some insight from you all about my situation. It might be kind of long, so please bear with me!

I have a good online friend who I have been chatting online/emailing with for 5 years or so. Over the years, we've talked a lot about each other, including each other's relationships, as friends do. I've always admired him and liked him as a person, and so when he told me he was coming to my area for a business trip a couple of months ago, I jumped at the opportunity to meet him. It was purely a friendly meet-up, as he had a girlfriend, then, and I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. To both of our surprises, we totally enjoyed each other's company and we ended up liking each other by the end of his trip.

He had been having problems with his girlfriend and was really contemplating on leaving her when we met. When we realized that we liked each other, we were both torn because he had a girlfriend, and he doesn't want me to be the reason for their break-up, because they had been having some serious problems for quite some time. I was really sad when he left but we kept in touch via phone/internet after he was gone. I dared not think of any possibilies between the two of us, and I didn't want to lose him as a friend, either. There was a point that I just couldn't handle talking to him online anymore that I cut off contact with him for a short while. After that, I came back and to my surprise, he has already broken up with his girlfriend.

We have been chatting via the internet almost everyday and we'd call each other, too. He told me that he likes me a lot and cares about me, but hesitates to get into another serious relationship because it has been painful for him, just getting out of one so recently. He said that he does want to try to be with me, but wants to take it slow. I tried to get clarity as to where we stand and he pretty much told me that he'd like us to be exclusive now, and that we should focus on getting to know each other better and see how much we really like each other. I have often (and I hope not too often!) tried to share my concerns with him, and each time he was very patient with me and sounded very honest.

Now, I have several issues here and I'd like to know from you all whether I am just over-thinking or that my concerns are legitimate. My thinking is, long distance relationships are difficult as is, and I'd like to make sure that the relationship will be worth it before I decide to invest in it. I really like this guy and I think he's worth it, but the way he's so passive makes me lose a lot of confidence.

Here are my reasons/concerns:
1. What if I am just a rebound? What are the signs of a rebound relationship?
2. If he really likes me, why all the hesitation? Could he be lying to me?
3. I thought people get to know each other first, THEN decides if they want to go exclusive. Here, he's telling me he wants to be exclusive, and then get to know each other more. Isn't that a little backwards? Is that even possible? Note: He and I don't believe in "open relationships", but we are also kind of clueless about how to go about things.
4. What does it really mean when a guy says he wants to take things slow? How slow is slow?
5. He seems to be so clear headed about this whole thing that I feel like it's whether he's resisting his true feelings or he just doesn't really like me that much. What's the deal? Is he just giving me lip service?

Am I just being too impatient and/or untrusting? I've heard taking things slow is the way to go, but this is getting a bit difficult for me, due to the extra hurdles I have to face. I am very worried that after all the time and effort I put in, he'll just change his mind and leave me.

I hope I painted my situation accurately and that you all can give me some advice! Thanks!

[Skell]

Welcom to AMHD.
It appears that your fella has it right in a lot of ways but wrong in some others.
He is defeinitely right about taking it SLOW. Especially since he is just out of a long term relationship. He was honest with you when saying it was painful for him and he is right in my opinion about being hesitant to rush into another relationship. I think he would be doing this as much for your sake as his. He is trying to ensure I guess that you don't just become a rebound thing.

He does have it backwards though about you two being exclusive. That is very hard considering your long distance (which I think are very hard to work anyway). How can he expect you two to be exclusive while getting to know one another. This is the time when you aren't exclusive.

I'm guessing though after talking to him on the net (another negative I think in relationships) for 5 years you know a fair bit about him and vice versa.

Its hard to judge though. He may just be giving you lip service, he may have true feeling for you but as he says doesn't want to get hurt again.
I know right now myself, coming out of a 7 year relationship, that I am very wary about showing feeling to anyone. Even new friends. I think it is wise of him to not share too much with you now. He is probably being honest. He says he cares about you but is wary about another relationship so soon and hence wants to take it slow. Right moce I feel.

I am just very suspect I guess on net relationships. He was talking to you for 5 years while having a girlfriend? I wonder if his girlfriend knew about this and was happy. I bet she wasn't. I also bet that she didn't know you two met up when he came to town.

What's to say he doesn't have friends like you all over the country?

It's a tough one but it is going to be hard for this to work given the circumstances. He is just out of relationship, there is distance between you, you only really know one another from discussions on the net and phone (I really believe you need to look somoen in the eye when talking to them to get to know them). Lots of things going against this working I'm sorry to say.

But I guess my only advice is you need to really talk to him about all your concerns and see what he has to say!

[Kayz]

He Lost interest so when he says he wants to take things slow he's just saying that so he doesn't have to hurt your feelings he just been in a relationship and just came out he's going through a phase were nobody is good for him no matter what you do then after he gets over that he's going for somebody else your not the one for him just face it...

[Krs]

he Lost interest so when he says he wants to take things slow hes just saying that so he doesnt have to hurt your feelings he just been in a relationship and just came out hes going through a phase were nobody is good for him no matter what you do then after he gets over dat hes going for somebody else your not the one for him just face it ...

This doesn't make sense at all!! :confused:

But Skell's advice is spot on!
Couldn't comment Skell, but I couldn't have said it better!

[Cassie]

One one hand he is saying he wants to take it slow but then he says he wants to be exclusive. That does not make mush sense. You have emailed for 5 years there is not a lot to know about each at this point. The only way
To get to know each other better now would be on a visual level and that is probably not possible. I would not get to excited, he may have been emailing others all along. Net relationships have a lot against them before they get started. The fist reason being you really don't know each other. You only know what they want you to know about them. I would certainly be careful.

[Wildcat21]

Personally - I strongly advise against a long distance relationship. I've tried it - very, very difficult and 95% of the time not worht the mis-trust, pain, hurt.

I;ve learned the hard way too many times that it's important to go slow!

It's OK to have a closed dating relationship if both are comfortable with that.

[Blueberries]

Thanks for all your comments. Both of us have talked about our situation quite often that I started to feel like we are talking the relationship to death. I usually initiate it because I think about it a lot and I feel like I have one foot on the relationship and another ready to sprint away. And I want to know what to do! His (seemingly) honestly and patience with me have been what's making me stick around. Every time after we discussed it, there just seems like there is no other way to go about it. Both of us agree that we want to pursue but it's the execution that seems extremely difficult. He isn't the only one who's afraid of getting hurt; I am, too. But he's also the one who said that if we don't try, we'll never know.

I am very much aware of all the concerns that you all raised. Normally, if he's just another online friend, I would not want to risk it. But, for some reason, I just feel that he's rather special, and at the same time I am scared of that, too.

He's coming to see me next month. We want to get to know each other better and to catch up. I hope it's a good idea. Wouldn't it be easier if once he shows, we end up hating each other? Problem solved... :D j/k.. Sigh..

[Wildcat21]

Well - don't worry about it until you see him again. Nothing you can do.

You won't know ANYTHING until you see him and spend time ----- then you WILL know how you FEEL.

[Blueberries]

I guess so! I hate not knowing what's going on and what will happen.

I want to run away.. just run away.. but I don't want to give up, either... So torn..

Did I tell y'all that I am a worrier, too? :P

[Skell]

Yeah wildcat is right.

Just wait until you see him. Judge him then. Get to know him properyl. Then see if you think it is worth pursuing. But right now there is nothing you can do to change this situation so just go about your life. Be happy and look after No. 1!

[valinors_sorrow]

Internet relationships can be translated into real relationships but its rare that they do since usually one person or the other has interjected some element of fantasy into it which, at some point, goes CRASH. I think once you've met and sense you are interested, meeting face to face more and talking online a lot less is really the way to go.

But I am of the mind as Skell is, in that I don't think this guy is ready... whether he says he is or not. And are you prepared to have a boyfriend, especially one who pushes a strangely premature exclusivity, who has already proved without a shadow of doubt that he likes talking to girls on the internet? How would you feel if you were the ex girlfriend now, watching him slowly move in on someone he cultivated all this time?

One of the things I learned to pay attention to was how his previous relationship failed and in what sort of shape did they part ways. It was a good indication of what might come to pass again, frankly. Another thing I noticed is how some people like to "operate with a spare", and the internet is the perfect place to line that up for both men and women. Its like they have a fall back plan. I can only tell you that hits me as ugh but its your call. Some of what you describe makes me think he may work this way but its too vague to be certain.

If you can't slow down and just be friends with this guy for a good long while to see where he is going, then please look to date face-to-face guys and no more fishing on the internet.

[Blueberries]

To answer valinor's question, his exgf cheated on him and for a while he was forgiving, but she wouldn't let the other guy go. He had a hard time deciding what to do because he wanted it to work out, but she wasn't cooperating. After months of dealing it, I guess the relationship died in his mind and finally he broke up with her officially.

I wouldn't say he was cultivating me... I truly thought he was just a good friend.

As for the exclusivity, it does seem backwards to me, as well, but neither of us ever had "open relationships", and are not fans of them. I suppose he wanted more than a friend while getting to know each other, if that makes any sense.

I certainly hope that I am not just a spare. That was actually my main worry, realizing the possibility. We did talk about it and I sense that he's honest. I guess I'll just have to be careful. I do feel the trust I have toward him, and I hope I am not being blind.

[valinors_sorrow]

I understand what you are saying Blueberries except I may have a different take on exclusivity and relationships in general, including "open" relationships.

I think many people who aren't really ready for a relationship (meaning exclusivity) push themselves into it and as a result, lots of uncertainty, cheating, doubting, misreading, breaking up and getting back together, mass hurt and confusion occurs. All of that is a signal to me that dating, which sounds like what you call "open" relationship, should be occurring, rather than relationshipping (which is always exclusive in my book).

Dating is a sadly overlooked stage necessary to meet a lot of people so that hopefully when you do find someone to get serious with, you've had the time to evaluate them properly (which you have not) and you both are ready and available for the next step (and fresh out of another relationship disqualifies someone, in my book). Dating where the interaction between the two people is fun, light, not too intimate, and certainly not rushed. And if it ends, its no great heartbreak. I hear that neither of you likes to date but please think about this.

Serial relationshipping is often fast, it's a rollercoaster ride of drama with a lot of effort trying this, that and the other to make it all work whether its meant to or not, because the in-too-deep intimacy demands it. It lacks the necessary foundation and when it begins to come apart, rather than look at the faulty process, I hear lots of people just blaming the other person and running to the next ride. Not good.

For that reason, for your sake I would advise that if you continue to pursue this fellow, it NOT be exclusive for a while-- date him. At least fix that out-of-place element of exclusivity and if you can't for some reason, then there's your indication that there's already more wrong here than is meeting the eye. If its worth what you say, then waiting for it may make it be right.

[Blueberries]

Valinors,

Thanks for your insight. I have never really "dated" but have a few pretty long relationships (4-7 years). There were times that I went out with guys but I didn't consider them as "dates" because I didn't like them like them. Maybe those were considered as dates? I guess for me, when I start to like someone, and he returns the feelings, then we just somehow start a relationship right then. Have I been doing this all wrong?

The guy has pretty much the same record as I do, so I guess that's both of us tend to reach for exclusivity. To be honest, I didn't expect it at first, and was pleasantly (perhaps stupidly?) surprised that he wanted that.

I will definitely take what you said in consideration. :) I just wish I know exactly how thing should be done.

[Skell]

You might be more in love with the idea of a relationship than you actually are with the person themselves. Could this be true?

[Blueberries]

You might be more in love with the idea of a relationship than you actually are with the person themselves. Could this be true??

I think at this point, I'd like to have a relationship. But to say that I'd just take any relationship is probably not. I could have other guys here locally, but I think I see something in him that I particularly liked - things that I've learned over the years that my past bfs lacked and I want in my future significant other. The question is, I guess, I don't know if what I see is real, and with the circumstances, it's really hard to tell for sure.

I hope I am not lying to myself! I know how difficultlong distance relationships are and I sure don't want to put myself through it for just a so-so guy!

[Skell]

Ok Good, you sound like you have a pretty good grip on things.
Your confusion is warranted as well. I think you just have to take it very slow and cautiously and really try and get to know the REAL him before jumping head first in.
You seem like and intelligent person though and have analysed things so far fairly well.
Just be cautious and don't be afraid to ask our thoughts here. I know how helpful a different perspective can be!

[talaniman]

I just hope you don't pour your heart out and let this guy play you like a fiddle. I hope you have fun without giving him all your heart or trust and go very slow. After 5 years what's the hurry? You think you know someone and down the line you find that you don't so eyes open!

[luvee]

Hey, I can relate to that... its really really hard, and wildcat is right, don't rely on the internet esp on the words you're reading. A lot of guys out there and even women out there are so good in playing words that it come to a point where you'll actually believe all the words he's saying. Same with you, I've been into that kind of situation 8 or 9 yrs ago I think... but you know, nothing beats a relationship wherein you're able to see each other everyday or at least whenever both of you want to. He may have some reasons of which none of us know, not even you... It's better if you go with the flow or let him go... live a life of reality... its much better, you'll enjoy having a relationshp with real life people rather than online because lets face it, you only know things based on what he's telling you. ANd its really easy to lie on that part, and also, its important for you to know the background of this man, where he came from, school, family, etc. It's the very foundation of every relationship... 5 years ain't enough... its like spending 5days with him... think and decide... its better to get hurt now than wasting your life with someone you don't actually know...

[Hola]

I'm just wondering, how far away do you live from one another.