[salvadorlimones]

Although I have read about several topics on “No Contact” I still need some objective advice on how to proceed…Thanx for the advice in advance…

So I do not know if this is typical or not but this is the case: I met this girl online, we spend couple of months as friends and then started dating. The thing here is she is attractive and everybody she meets directly flirts with her. I did not do that, which turned her on and I was a challenge for her, that’s why she is attracted to me. However, after start dating, I was too available to her and she lost interest. After 2 months of dating she told her feelings are not the same but it was not a break up talk. But later she told she is in love with somebody else and feeling quilty about dumping me, but she has to leave me, because she can’t help it.

I am a 33 year old Civil Engineer with two masters degree. I am from Turkey and I got a company which I build residential houses for foreigners. Also I am a consultant in an international construciton project in Istanbul where I spend 90% of my time. The rest of the time I am in Ankara where my house and her house are. She is a 24 year old college student and her school is in antoher city. I.e. it was a long distance relationship, meeting only weekends…I am pretty confident about my look, green eyes, fit body, etc.

Being dumped by her, although my initial reaction was cool and accept that I can not do anything because she decided to leave, I also told her that I am sorry and her dumping me hurts. Never ever mentioned anything bad or did any harm to her. But unconciously, I started discussing our relationship, my will to fight for her etc. which pushed her away from me. She told I am 3,5 out of 4, I am her biggest chance in life but she can not help to be attracted to the other guy.

After struggling for a month, having depression, sleepless, losing weight etc I decided to contact a psyciatrist who prescribed my antidepressant and medicine to regulate my sleep. By then I started feeling good, removed other items causing stress in my life, going easy on my career etc. During this time I was being her emotional tampon, buying her crystal rings as birthday present, sending flowers, chatting for an hour on the phone etc. At the same time I start going out with friends, bought new clothes, had a new haircut, meet new woman in parties and online, i.e. did good things to myself – except seeing her and sometimes pushing her with my discussions of our past relationship. At one stage she told me that although she loves her boyfriend she is having trouble because of me as he does not treat her the way I have treated her. They were having discussion for the reason that she is seeing me and acting weird after. Therefore she told me to limit the contact with phone and internet only, which I accepted and obeyed.

During this time I started seeking the net for book and things related with break-up. After reading couple of books, I decided not to contact her. I spent time with my friends, enjoying social activities while continuing my daily life as before although from time to time I was desperate. But still not contacted her. She called me once just before I decided to start no contact and we had a friendly nice short chat. Later I did not contact her in any means. No phone no mail no Facebook no IM. I did not even call or contacted her because of new year. Today it was the second week since her last calling me and unfortunately it was one of the low days for me. I was in the boundary of calling her, which I managed to resist – though it was very hard.

When I got home I realized that she has called my mobile, which very fortunately I have not heard. It was great for me and I managed to put the phone aside and raised my mood – even initiation of contact by her was an item for me to raise my mood. After almost half an hour, I returned her call. She did not answer me and I remained calm. After that she called back, told me she missed my fun laughter and we made a small friendly talk. Fortunately she asked a lot about my life, which I enthusiasticly told how I am enjoying it. She told she is calling when her boyfriend is away – which I just sound “hehehe” and do nothing about it and she was surprised and kind of happy to hear I am OK – even more than OK. During our talk she was emphasing and asking for details when I say I enjoy the things I do. It was a common behaviour of her that she ask me details when I say things like “I am selective” “I date quality woman” or “I am in charge how my career proceeds” etc. I guess she focuses on attractive traits of a man and pays attention when I mentioned them. Anyway, it was a friendly chat, which I ended after 8 minutes because I have to leave (!).

Sorry if the story was a little long but details make the difference. The thing with the girl is she has some qualities which I was looking for years and I would like to give her a second chance but this time I will not be a nice guy but be the man who is self confident and protects her. So I will shoot for the balance and control.

Under these terms, I need real objective advice. Shall I continue to pursue her, and make my move, show how confident how good man I am and take her back (in case it fails as I increased my confidence I will be still attractive to others) or shall I let her go and move on without spending energy and time on her. We will be in Ankara together by the end of January, which I will calmly ask her for a coffee or a brunch to show her what she has lost and make her think about (not ask) coming back together. My intention is not to call her before we are together in the same city but answer her calls – at least most of them – and be confident and friendly to her. Her calling me and paying attention to me, make me feel that I am still meaningful to her and she still has a desire to come back to me. Honestly the guy she is with, is not of my quality and kind of jerk.

Or am I living on and depending on unrealistic hopes of getting a two month relationship to start again. Is it useless effort? I am kind of man who believes that although things happen for a reason, people make their own destiny, so I shall fight before I give up.

I appreciate all comments, and will welcome even the harsh ones as they will sound more realistic. Thanks...

[talaniman]

Just me, I don't waste my time trying to woo over someone who loves someone else.

It's a big red flag, to me at least, she is willing to pursue conversations with you, while she loves another. If she is capable of those kinds of actions with someone she loves, how would she treat someone who she doesn't love as much.

I figure she is leading you on in case this other guy ain't doing it for her, and you're her back up plan, or she sees you as being able to take care of her, and do as she wants you to.

Either way, she only can contact you when he is not around so she is going behind his back any way, and would do the same to you as well.

If that's what you want, then that's up to you. Me, I leave her alone, and take my chances for something better. She has dumped you once, so rest assured, she can again.

[ThatGuy2]

Dude, she's with another guy right now. It's time to let go not for her, but for yourself. You sound like a stand up guy and you honestly don't deserve this kind of BS. Unless you intend to stay in the friend zone, you need to stick with the NC. You are obviously a back up plan for her so you need to do yourself the favor and move on. If she comes begging later because it didn't work out with this other guy, then at that point, it's up to you whether you take her back. Just know that if you end up splitting again, it will probably end up hurting even more than now. Wish you the best of luck.

[talaniman]

She told she is calling when her boyfriend is away – which I just sound “hehehe”

Translation-Your her entertainment when she is bored. Like the TV.

[salvadorlimones]

Thanks for the answers... I needed these ones cause all my friends and family does not even understand why I am implying no contact at the first place, and recommedning I should be talking to her.

I guess I shall just forget about her, stop being a doormat and move on... thanks again.

[talaniman]

That's wise as there are to many females out there with less baggage, to be stuck on one who may be more trouble than she is worth.

Maybe its me, but I have always wanted partners who are fun a drama free, and want to be with me as I want to be with them. Not be the amusement when bored, or be put in the friend zone, with no hope of getting out.

And why take sloppy seconds after the guy she has now?? That's nasty.