[twinklestations]

Hi this is my first time on here so sorry if I go on a bit but I desperately need some advice!I have been with my boyfriend for the past 2 and a half years.As with every relationship it was great for the first few months, the sex was great, he was a real gentleman, he was sweet and romantic then things slowly began to change. In the last 2 years he has gone from being extremely jealous, to not being bothered about me at all (or so he would have me believe). At the beginning I was desperate to get this relationship to work and I gave it everything because I thought he was exactly what I needed, he was older than me and he made me feel good about myself so naturally I sacrificed things for him, for example, he wasn't happy about me having male friends, so I slowly cut my ties with them even though he now says he never once told me to stop seeing anyone although he heavily implied it and made it out that he would end it if I continued to have friendships with anyone he didn't like including girls who were as he put it 'bad news'.

When I met him I was a fun, relaxed girl who had just come out of uni and was in a great place but now I am so different. Ive become paranoid, jealous and I don't understand why because I was never like this before. My friends have all said I've changed and I know I have, he is just so controlling and he doesn't even see it - he also says one thing then words it another way so I'm in the wrong, I'm not a stupid person but he always makes me seem like I am wrong.I can't argue properly with him because it seems futile, he always come out on top and its driving me mad. I used to think he was cheating on me because of so many unexplained things like late night meetings with my close friend who he said he didn't like, she said the same(thought he was controlling me) yet they meet up at 1 in the morning to talk, that's all they both said happened but she culdnt stop apologising, also when I went to his work night out I got abused by 2 girls who worked there for no reason, he just said he didn't no why they would act like that and I needed to get over it, another night he got mad, told me it was over went out all day and night, came home, passed out on the bed, I looked through his phone and he had been sending rude texts to a girl he had met in the pub when I woke him up to ask him about this it resulted in a huge fight and he tried strangling me and proceeded on kicking me and throwing me against the wall. I was just so upset and even the next day when he apologised he told me he had only done that because I had woken him up and was shouting and wouldn't leave him alone. This has now happened a few more times and evrytime it has escalated, he has never say hit me in the face but he has tried choking me, thrown me on the floor hit my head on the wall and kicked and thrown things at me. He used to apologise, but lately all I get is you shuldnt have provoked me, I reacted to you if you hadn't of got all in my face and angry I would never have done it.

We have tried to resolve our issues and I even agreed to move half way across the world with him and move away from all the drama and lately after couples counselling it has got better. But we still argue and I still feel weak and I try so hard to remain the same and stay strong but its hard sometimes. He makes me feel like I need to apologise for everything and my stubborn streak just won't allow it. I try to fight back for myself but he just brings me down, our sex life is also non existent - he never wants sex with me, he won't initiate it and whenever we do have sex he just lies there and then its finished- no foreplay, no nothing - when I ask him why he says he just doesn't feel the same about me as he did so I ask why are you with me then? Depending on his mood he will say either I don't know or because I love you.I have no one to talk to and I don't want to upset family and friends with this but I feel trapped.

Also the countless times we have broken up it is me who has begged him to stay, why? When I know in my heart it is for the best. And all the times he has told me I hate you, get out of my life, go home he has never gone through with it even when I have been ready for him to leave. He always just talks his way back into it saying he never meant he wanted to break up, eh?? Do I even love him, I don't know, I think I have just lost respect for him and no matter how nice he can be sometimes it just doesn't feel like its enough.Even now when I think I'm strong enough to leave him, circumsatnce means I cant. We have a bit of debt, in my name, on c.cards we used to get out here - and he has all but said if we broke up I wouldn't get a penny, so I'm trying to get him to agree to pay off the debt back home little by little but he just wants to forget about it - I can't as I know its in my name and if I go home ill be in a lot of trouble but he says if I want to be with him here I need to just forget about.

I wonder about leaving him but even if we split our money here I would not have enough money to go home and look ater myself. My family haven't got much money and I don't no how long it would take to find a job. He q is should I just bite the bullet and go home and face the music with my debt and accept I won't get a penny from him?I know it will be hard enough as it is because ehe has this hold over me I don't understand... any thoughts help with any advice thanks

[BlackVY]

I know its hard, but I guess the best thing to do is to get out of there...

Being in a controlling relationship is bad... but you are in a relationship you don't want to be in and you don't even know why you are in. You don't like yourself and chances are you never willl because I doubt things will get better.

Its bad that you have the debt and stuff, and money is always an issue in these kinds of situations, but more than money, you have to do what's best for you, for your own sanity.

I guess you have to end it and move back home, and find a way to sort out this debt stuff... hard to hear, but its for your own good, and maybe u'll be happier in time...

All the best...

[addy123]

Leave him, you deserve better. I got to the stage where I had cut off all my guy contacts, social networking sites, images of me from my phone and camera, stop seeing my old guy mates, had to get a new sim, and that I can only go out with girl friends. He did the same. I found myself losing everyone and frightened of losing him if I went out with girl friends hessitating me and restricting me to where I go and what I do. He stopped me going on with him and his mates after 4 months (was in a year and half relationship), he accused me of not trusting him and sort of guilt tripped me to when him and the 'guys' went out. Everyone around me could see it and I left him and rebuilt my life, I am also a young uni student and its good to know it's the best era to build back friends and a life, your young there's plenty of memorys ahead and a guy that will treat you right. Just take this time to know going through all this has made you stronger do not see yourself as weak. Its hard when you love someone to leave them but it is for the best if your life and happiness is on the line, may not be what you want to here but it's the best thing you can ever do honestly. Never allow a guy to be with you who would be violent to you, verbally abusive, cheat, be around other girls in a flirtacious manner YOU DESERVE MORE RESPECT AND LOVE and nows the time to get it and get your life back, take it as the best thing you could ever do, its great to love other people but you got to love yourself too. Leave him and never turn back, don't shead a tear, get a new number, its going to be hard when you think of the good times and memorys you have had together, however think how he treated you and that you have made the right choice. Eventually you will find another man that will treat you right. Don't worry, there is not just you experiencing this but many mnay people. Get out of there xxxx good luck

[mystific]

Ok so basically what your saying is that even though he's manipulating you, treating you like a homeless dog, a welcome mat, punching bag and being a verbal battering ram.. you would find it financially difficult if you left?

Well hey stay with him.. he has the $$$ you can put up with the rest. Right?

I wonder about leaving him

You wonder? You've lost your independence, your confidence, your dignity, self belief, morals and mind if you're just 'wondering'. What would it take for you to see what an abusive a$$ he is.

Wheres you're pride? So what if it'll be financially hard.. surely that'd be a lot easier to deal with than someone who just treats you like dirt.