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expat2009 · Jan 10, 2009, 10:45 PM

Things are way too fresh for you to see clearly. Over the coming weeks things will make more sense. Your conclusions will change and that's where the learning begins. And yes, you will trust again, once time has done it's healing.

Focus on yourself FIRST. Become a better version of you--a healed version--that loves himself and enjoys life once more. How? Do the things you like to do for yourself --whether it's a sport, some hobby, or spending quality time with family and friends. Everyday you will become more sure of yourself--you'll regain your confidence little by little. As for girls, stay away from them --romantically-- for awhile, you don't need to jump straight into another relationship or hookup with any chick. It won't do you any good. When you have picked yourself up and dusted yourself off--they will come to you. You will love and be loved again--and this time you will be wiser and more prepared.

expat2009 · Jan 10, 2009, 11:09 PM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Woah woah, hold on a second. Is it true that if I'm her friend now that we can never really be together again? I'm not really understanding that part.

It's not that you can't be together again but it's highly unlikely if you stay there at her side. She will see you as a friend and nothing more. She will get used to seeing you as a friend and won't look at you as anything more than that--even less if she has another guy. That's why it's called a Friend-zone. Sticking around will just slow you down my friend. The pain will not let you enjoy life and when you realise this you will be kicking yourself for wasting so much time,

From my experiences and what I've read here. Those rare cases in which two exes do get back together usually occur when there is a significant amount of time apart and no contact is maintained. Enough time so both people can mature, grow up, find themselves, experience different things, etc. This might be a year or maybe several who knows. One day one calls the other and if there is still interest than things could workout. The key here is that both people have developed and improved themselves enough so that those problems that lead to the first break don't re-surface. Keep in mind that these cases are few and far between and I'm sure most of them weren't really expecting to get back together it just happens. You give each other space, plenty of time apart, no communication, so you can heal and move on. Maybe she wants you back one day or maybe she never does--but it won't matter cause you would've moved on without her regardless.

compsavvyimnot · Jan 10, 2009, 11:48 PM

[QUOTE=compsavvyimnot;1474746]It took me a lot of convincing to make him realized that he is my friend. FRIEND, once some one becomes a close friend, someone a good girl like me would not want to lose. A good girl would not RISK losing you as a friend by trying to see if it could be more. I can't explain to you the pain I've seen in his face. The desperation of wanting me to know that I deserve more, that he is the one that can give me that, that we were perfect for each other. You might not want to be in this list.

Read my previous post quoted above.

Gearhe4d · Jan 11, 2009, 12:11 AM

Now "no contact" is starting to make more sense to me. I wasn't aware of this whole "friend-zone" means you'll never get her back thing.

Yikes.

compsavvyimnot · Jan 11, 2009, 12:22 AM

Friend-Zone doesn't mean you you'll never get her back, it just makes it that much harder to make the transition if wanted.

compsavvyimnot · Jan 11, 2009, 12:26 AM

Most relationships are complicated. So much more complicated than friendships. Why risk losing a great friend by trying to make it into a relationship? This is the question you want her to avoid asking herself.

expat2009 · Jan 11, 2009, 12:40 AM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Now "no contact" is starting to make more sense to me. I wasn't aware of this whole "friend-zone" means you'll never get her back thing.

Yikes.

Doesn't mean you will never be her friend again. Let yourself move on first. In the future, if you are still interested in her friendship, I'm sure you can get in touch with her. Not before you are completely over her of course.

Empty Cans · Jan 11, 2009, 02:34 AM

It has taken me four months to get serious about No Contact. Four months of false hope filled agony. Amazing hope-filled highs, quickly followed by rock bottom lows.

You only set yourself up for extreme heartache by keeping in contact... unimaginable pain... especially when you find out that they have been giving themselves to another guy so quickly... literally replacing you with someone else.

I am only just getting serious about NC now... because I am sick to death of the constant pain. They don't mean to give false hope... its just your brain misinterpretes what she will say because it will be what you want to hear.

All these people giving you advice on here... they are so unbelievably correct in what they are saying... you just can't see it right now because it is not what you want to hear. In time you will see they are right. I just hope it doesn't take you four months to figure it out. That is four months of potential healing time I have spent in a false hope filled, heartbroken state.

ptarmigan · Jan 11, 2009, 05:23 AM

There is lots of good advice here, act on it even though you may not believe it yet. These folks are trying to save you some of the pain that they have been through. No contact works, it also builds yourself respect, the other option it to continue to prolong the hurt and have yourself esteem battered.

Jane Smit · Jan 11, 2009, 05:45 AM

I still see your still not getting it. Today is Sunday, go to church, pray for your girlfriend to have a good life and that you can move on and both of you can find enjoyment apart.

Gearhe4d · Jan 14, 2009, 08:22 PM

So, a friend of mine talked with her the other day apparently (no I had nothing to do with it) but they said that she was saying she felt "guilty" about us. Like, maybe I made her feel guilty by being too nice, or being around too much or something I'm assuming, but I really never wanted to make her feel that way, and now I'm wondering if I should just keep up with not talking to her, or maybe try to explain to her that I wasn't at all wanting her to feel guilty, and I really just want us to have fun together and be happy. I want her to be able to hang out with her friends and such though without worrying about how I feel, or if she's tired or something I don't want her to feel like she has to be around me. Now that I have all of that in mind and better understand what caused all of this to begin with, yeah, I'm just wondering how to go about this.

411Help · Jan 14, 2009, 08:49 PM

Stop worrying about her, worry about you.

That's the point of no contact.

I know you care about her, but it's time to care about you.

expat2009 · Jan 14, 2009, 10:45 PM

She feels guilty because she knows she hurt you unintentionally. This is entirely normal among exes. It shows that she cares about your feelings but that doesn't mean she wants to be with you. In any breakup or "break" the one who gets dumped feels the hurt and the one that dumps feels the guilt--if she cares about you of course.

Keep with NC though. You did not make her feel this-- she felt it herself. Same as she did not make you feel this pain-- you did.

zeeniee · Jan 14, 2009, 10:49 PM

You do NOTHING for HER.
Stop thinking about HER
Avoid everything and anything that reminds your of HER

Start thinking ABOUT YOU-
Its has to be about YOU and YOU and YOU now
If you don't think about YOU soon- THERE WILL BE NO YOU LEFT!

Get yourself in gear and start sorting YOUR life out.

Make a list and start attacking that list one by one.

Today do one thing good for YOU don't go to bed until you have done that one good thing for YOU.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jan 14, 2009, 11:10 PM

Common Gear! What's it going to take to get you to listen!

I don't think I have ever seen a thread where somebody has resisted the same solid advise of so many people.

blondndisguise5 · Jan 15, 2009, 02:06 AM

Hey! So I don't know how your doing but what I want you to know is this. Do what feels right to you in both your head and your heart and take TIME lots of it to feel out when your on the right path you just know it. All these suggestions everyone has made are REALLY hard but they do a good job at helping you heal and get beyond the break up. But I also want to say that it seems like you're an amazing person and any girl would be lucky to have you. Stay strong no matter what and grow into yourself. Just stay strong and if you want to talk you can message me id love to listen.

talaniman · Jan 15, 2009, 05:36 AM

There you go, feeling you can fix someone or something. You're the one needs fixing first. That's what you focus on.

Just so you know, don't fall into dwelling on 3rd party news about the ex. That's trouble. More trouble than stalking her or Facebook, or myspace.

Let it pass.

jmw0713 · Jan 15, 2009, 07:16 AM

Stop trying to fix the past when you should be working trying to build your future.

The future being, getting your ego and self-esteem back. Improving yourself through character building and personal enrichment activities (sports, hobbies, classes, exercise). Go back and catch up on all the things you let fall by the wayside because you were so wrapped up with this girl. Save up the money you would normally spend on her and buy something you really want. This would be a good time to take a vacation or road trip with some buddies to a place you really want to go. Anything that will get you to stop thinking about her.

The future possibilities are endless for you, but you will not realize this until you stop dwelling and stop trying to fix what cannot be fixed.

It would also help to get rid of, or store away, all the things you may have that remind you of her (gifts, cards, notes, clothing, pictures). This will help you keep your mind off her.

411Help · Jan 15, 2009, 07:38 AM

Gear, I realize how hard this is.

And, I know we aren't giving you the answers you wanted to hear when you first came here.

You were hoping we would tell you, "Don't give up, she'll come back one day" Am I right? Sorry, buddy, but that's not the case. Love doesn't work like that. You can blame hollywood.

Build a healthy life without her.

If you can't love yourself, what makes you think you can love someone else?

Fizzy Burst · Jan 15, 2009, 12:59 PM

You're letting this situation rent space in your head. The more you think about it, the harder your life is going to become. Do not let her control your emotions. There is nothing worse than letting someone know that they have this much control over you. You need to start taking control of yourself. Get out of the past, stay out of the future, and just take things one day at a time.