[starbuck8]

That is just another tactic to control you. He was justifying his bad behaviour by making you think that he was only doing this in your best interests, when in fact they weren't. He knew he had to change his approach to get what he wanted. So he knew if he could lead you to believe, under the guise of caring about your happieness and self esteem, then that would manipulate you into losing weight. Were you unhappy before this? Did you have low self-esteem before this? It doesn't sound like it to me. He is the one that is trying to lower your self-esteem and happiness.

What he told you doesn't change a thing. In fact now he is telling you that he doesn't believe that you are happy with yourself, and you need to improve your self-esteem. Now you are fat, unhappy, and you don't think highly of yourself. Well isn't that so much nicer! He just added two more things. I would have been insulted. This is typical behaviour from a controller.

What do you feel in your gut? Trust your gut, and don't ever question it. I think you know what you should do, you are just having a hard time facing it.

[starbuck8]

[QUOTE=starbuck8;1440757]That is just another tactic to control you. He was justifying his bad behaviour by making you think that he was only doing this in your best interests, when in fact they weren't. He knew he had to change his approach to get what he wanted. So he knew if he could lead you to believe, under the guise of caring about your happieness and self esteem, then that would manipulate you into losing weight. Were you unhappy before this? Did you have low self-esteem before this? It doesn't sound like it to me. He is the one that is trying to lower your self-esteem and happiness.

What he told you doesn't change a thing. In fact now he is telling you that he doesn't believe that you are happy with yourself, and you need to improve your self-esteem. Now you are fat, unhappy, and you don't think highly of yourself. Well isn't that so much nicer! He just added two more things. I would have been insulted. This is typical behaviour from a controller.

What do you feel in your gut? Trust your gut, and don't ever question it. I think you know what you should do, you are just having a hard time facing it.

[starbuck8]

I don't know what happened above! Sorry! ;)

[krzekali89]

All I have to say is that if your calling yourself chubby your calling me chubby. I'm 5'1'' and the same wieght and I'm skinny. I am not chubby or fat. It took a while to et my confidence to this point but honestly I will brag. I came from being 150 pounds to 120, so I'm proud and I am certainly not fat or chubby.

If he is calling you any of those name DUMP HIM!! My boyfriend didn't even call me fat when I was 150 pounds, and yea I had love handles and he loved them. He was always grabbing me by them and telling me how much he loved them and how sexy he thought I was. He made me comfortable. You should not be with a guy who makes you hate yourself.

Sorry if I'm being brash but reading that a man is making you think your chubby disgusts me.

It is def time to let go. Someone will think your sexy and attractive even if you gained 100 pounds.

[kp2171]

If he wants to chase some "ideal" figure in his head, that's fine. He isn't a scumbag because he might have certain predispositions. We all do. Some women melt for a tall guy with a bass voice. Some guys like long hair and curves. And on and on and on.

If I put on some weight on my partner would probably say something about it. Doesn't mean shed love me less. We just both place a healthy priority on how we treat our bodies. If I get a bad haircut, she gets to say something. If my breath is nasty, fair game.

So he isn't a scumbag for wanting a girlfriend who might match some of his "ideal" likes. Again, we all do that to some degree and admitting you have physical traits you like in another isn't evil or wrong.

BUT...

He IS a scumbag for speaking about this the way he has been doing. He IS a jerk for making this a perpetual issue. Look... you aren't married. No lifelong vows here. You (meaning "he") don't get to stay with someone and whine and complain about something... you (him again) get to choose... and if the person you are with isn't all you want you don't stay and moan about it.

Then again, he chooses moaning. Ick to that.

Lord knows I've had too many faults. Some I've fixed. Some I never will. At some point you need to accept your partners faults without demanding they be fixed. That does NOT mean you lay back and take whatever your partner gives you.

A lasting relationship takes work and compromise and sometimes conflict that you are willing to live with... but... he has had his say over and over. He thinks you have weight issues (and I find that hard to believe based on your personal info) and he's not going to shut up about it.

Physical fitness is important for a lot of reasons... and even a person who looks "fit" needs to take care of their body and work it for best overall health (and that does help with mental too)... that said, this guy just seems to be a snot.

[BobbyVandeyar]

Last time I checked people are supposed to love them for the person that they are not by what they look like. Your a good person. That type of behavior from him is unacceptable. Not to sound hostile but if I was in your shoes. Id smack some sense into his head. Lol you deserve better.

[Ber Rabbit]

you are all right........no one deserves to be treated this way and no one ever has a right to tell you to change unless you're abusing your ownelf or being unhealthy. i have been ignoring his calls since yesterday. finally tonight he came to my apt to apologize. he said he was sorry and sorry for hurting my feelings. he says all he wants is to make me happy and he thought that telling me to go on a diet will make me happier by boosting my self esteem once i lose the weight.

isn't he just finding an excuse to make it look like he's helping me? so he doesn't look so bad? well at least thats the first thoughts that came to my mind when he said that OR am i just being so hard on him now? im still confused with what i want to do. i have not broken up with yet since he did say sorry. i am just scared that what if he does it again.

I agree with the others, he's trying to regain control of you now that he sees you're catching on to his game. Stick with those first thoughts that came to your mind, it's your instinct reading his intentions before the poison he injects with his words could take effect and make you doubt yourself.

Thank him for the apology and the concern for yourself esteem. Tell him you have discovered that the best way to boost yourself esteem is to surround yourself with people with positive attitudes and constructive comments and he just doesn't fit your ideal mold like your body style doesn't seem to fit his. Thank him for his time and send him on his way so you can both find the person that makes you truly happy.
Ber

[BobbyVandeyar]

If you want some insight look at this. See I'm a dude who isn't the best looking. Or has the best body in the world. And at times ill have my insecure moments too because I take so much in from what others tell me. That I can't change or that I won't get a girl again. But what keeps me going is I could say my family and my friends. Just the thrill of success keeps me brushing off whatever negative comments people come at me with. Strong girl like you I know that one lucky dude is going to find you and treat you the way your supposed to be treated. But till then. Keep your head up. Not down. And smile lol

Hope this helps you out a bit more.

[fatsohesays]

Okay.. breaking up is just so hard to do. I don't even know where to start. For the past few days.. ive been so busy with the holidays that I've been showing him the wrong impression that everything is back to "normal" again. And I honestly did not notice it until I logged on here today. We've been laughing and acted normal. I know what he did was wrong and I don't deserve any of this BUT now how do I bring it up again? I also don't think I can do this right before christmas. It'll be just too much to handle. I also just found that he didn't pass his board exam. I don't think I can do this to him. Or am I just too nice again? I don't know.

Thanks again!

[starbuck8]

Well, it isn't you fault that he didn't pass his board exams for one thing. That is entirely on his shoulders, and you shouldn't feel any guilt for that.

As for breaking up during the holidays? Well, I realize that will cause extra drama and stress. On one hand it might be better to wait until after the holidays. On the other hand, he might really resent that you waited, and the drama ensues anyway. Tough call. You might just want to tell him that you want the holidays to be a fun time, but you need to sit down and talk to him once all of the festivities and celebrations are done with. It's probably not going to be easy no matter what time of year, and there is always going to be a reason to give yourself to postpone the inevitable.

Good luck!

[kctiger]

Tough call. You might just want to tell him that you want the holidays to be a fun time, but you need to sit down and talk to him once all of the festivities and celebrations are done with.

That may be a bit out of the question. I know that if my girlfriend told me this, I would be freaking out the entire holiday season due to the upcoming talk at the end. I think it paves an awkward feeling throughout the holidays. I am not sure what you should do either, but, like Starbuck said, you cannot take responsibility for his failing of the exams. You need to worry about yourself and what makes you happy. You are priority one, not him.

[fatsohesays]

It is hard but I think he just made it a little easier for me. We won't be spending christmas eve or christmas day with each other. I'll be with my family and same with him. This morning he asked me if I could see him possibly after work. I told I wasn't sure it depends on how bad the weather is. My car is not so good in the snow. Then he put this guilt trip on me saying that I don't want to see him and I'll just see him Friday. I hate that feeling. Why can't he just understand that its not that I don't want to see him because I do. It's just that I hate driving around in the snow. Why can't he think of my safety? And not be selfish? :mad: I guess this could be a start to say I'm out and I just hope I will be able to do this.

[starbuck8]

He's not thinking of your safety hon, because it's all about him, and he doesn't care if you put yourself in danger. If he was a good boyfriend, he would have offered to come pick you up, come to your house instead, or pay for a cab so you would be safe!

Just the fact that he isn't even going to be with you on C'mas eve or day, and is making you feel bad about it, shows you that he really doesn't care about your feelings at all! You don't want to spend more Christmases like this do you?

I'm sorry, and I know what it's like this time of year, but I think this might be the time to start fresh. Call it your C'mas diet! You can go around telling everyone you lost over a hundred pounds during the C'mas season! ;)

Merry Christmas to you!

[BobbyVandeyar]

good people like you. Sad to see getting hurt by those type of dudes. For the record. True beauty lies in the mind. Not by the body. If that makes sense lol look it's a rough time for u as tomorrow is going to be xmas. But u alreadly have a gift. U got love n u got support. Espically from this site lol spend time with your family, enjoy the holidays, hang with friends, live it up. That guy is only going to put u down more n more. U don't need nor deserve that.

merry xmas to all. =]

[cbsf]

This guy is neither bright nor kind. Be good to yourself and get rid of him.

[liza_nagi]

Hi my name is Liza and I'm 21 year old girl with 90 kg weight ,I'm very fat girl just bcoz of this I safer from depression still taking medicine ,I'm not use to eat a lot ,this is bcoz of hormonal imbalance problem and I try to loss weight but I loss my hope again and again and a new friend and my old friends , my family ,everyone waiting for me that when I will get slim ,my courier , my marriage and my dreams to look beautiful ,every time I think about this all and my friend he again and again realize me get slim hmm I feel shame ,everyone everyone saying me get slim you look so beautiful ,get slim and now what's my problem is chirtmas party and my friend with his family coming there and I feel shy to met them hmmm this time I'm in london but I'm going India with in 1 month and going to come back uk after 8 months hmm and everyone saying this when you will come back *** come slim and I'm depress bcoz I try to loos my weight so many times but after some time I loss my hope ,but after going to India I'm going to start weight losing again but bcoz of hormonal imbalance problem it is not easy to loos your weight fast huhhhhhhhhhh ,what should I do friends ,what should I do,I'm alon in india with my mom and it is not easy for me to be happy every-time and for Christmas party I decided hmmmm I'm not going ,I will pray at home and I will wish father jesus happy birthday at home only .thank you