 |
|
| Browse | Ask | Answer | Search | Join/Login |
|
|
||||
|
I was bullied and can't get over it!
So the he issue is that for years and years I was bullied…or verbally abused more like. At some point in my youth someone came up with a not so nice name which rimes with my name and the rest is history as they say. First it was just that name but it became more. I was blamed for things I didn’t do.. Attacked on the way I looked, spoke, the people I hung out with…everything became a point of argument. Everything I said was taken the wrong way. And that was at school. I come home and my mother also has things to say. I smell, I have no manners.. She plays dead which is a very cruel joke to play on a small child.. in other words.. the one person you want there to be there for you wasn’t.. Instead she made it even harder to deal with these kids at school.
One day, it’d had enough for real.. I threw a hockey ball in someone’s direction and it accidentally hit their temple! This was not my intention but considering the hardship they’d put me through.. I was a bit pleased. Everybody shouted at me.. the trainer told me to get lost and not come back.. I went home crying my eyeballs out.. Didn’t want to go back to school ever again.. and my mum.. she hears what I did and instead of listening to me and comforting me and more importantly, taking my side, tells me I should call up this girl and apologise! She stands there waiting for me to pick up the phone and call her. She embarrasses me even more than I already felt. This is what my mom id. She had no idea. She was more preoccupied with what their neighbours would think than with my pain. And it goes on. On a weekly basis she tells me I smell, I have no table manners or manners of any sort really. Apart from that she feels I am not really the daughter she would have wanted because I do not see eye to eye on fashion or anything like that. She wonders why I am so aggressive towards her. Well, looking back at it now I was probably really angry with her.. she took someone else/s side, she didn’t care. She went to work and left me to stay with a gild in the street who was part of a gang who bullied me. Everyone was in on it.. The whole street, even parents told me I wasn’t good enough, from another class. That was primary school. I then went to secondary school and chose to go to the school where all my bullies went to. I don’t know why but it seems like a nice school. My parents wanted me to go to another school but like so many other things, they hardly made a stand. They told me once that perhaps I should do something different but didn’t persevere. They let me make another decision I really shouldn’t have made. This is the problem. They didn’t do what was right for me.. they stood by whilst I made decisions which were clearly wrong. Do I think they should have intervened? Yes I do actually. I was 11 or 12. What do I know? My brother went to that school so I thought I’d be OK.. I don’t know why.. I just did. My parents could have made a stand but they didn’t.. as they did with nothing. So off I went. I played hockey with my bullies and I want to school with my bullies. Did I mention my choice of music wasn’t good enough either. I played the Oboe for 8 years.. all that time my mother asked me why I didn’t play something a bit more mainstream like saxophone…again…it wasn’t good enough….. The more I think about it the more I am surprised I am relatively normal. All the way to the day I left for England this woman has basically told me my friends weren’t my friends, I wasn’t good enough for anything, Maybe not in those exact words. You know what she says now? That it doesn’t matter what other people think about me.. well, that’s easy to say when you are the one who has been hammering into a child’s head that that child is basically . No wonder I am scared that people I would like to love me will find something bad.. I should be afraid.. I have nothing to hide.. my intentions are pure and great.. but if someone tells you day in day out that what you are or think you are is bad.. or not fit for social consumption.. then what? Should I just forget about it? Perhaps I should.. I wish I could! But this is it.. I can’t seem to. It bubbles up.. Always when I go home I get sudden attacks of past torments. Like that time I had a breakdown.. I am in the car with both my parents and I remember being upset.. I don’t know why but you know what my dad says? Anne, its just that your mother and I…well, you’re not the daughter we wanted… you are too aggressive, you don’t behave like a normal girl… you hurt your mother. That’s what they said.. they don’t remember this conversation.. funny that. But I do. Things like that tend to stick. And now I feel sorry for myself. Haha. I feel sorry for having been brought up by two ed up people who clearly didn’t have a clue. But the thing is.. thats all fine.. how am I going to get rid.. or at least give a place to 20 years or mental torment? This is the question. There are some many things, little things, that keep coming back.. millions of comments, things said to me which I cannot seem to forget and overtime I remember them I fee sorry for myself.. why do I have to go through this? Why was I bullied and pestered. And I know it doesn’t solve anything. So now I am 28 almost 29 . I have had no relationship of note.. in fact I have gad not relationships at all with men.. I am scared. I am scared because they may like me on first sight but if they dig deeper they won’t like me anymore. I’m a head case.. who wants to be involved with that? I don’t know how to communicate my feelings because every time I did I was shot down or misunderstood…misunderstood.. There’s another thing. People don’t understand me at all! They don’t compute the difference between me outside and me inside. I wish the gap wasn’t so big but that is what a past like this does to you a guess. You develop your outer self for parties and socialising whilst at night in your bed you cry to sleep because it hurts not to be able to be yourself. I’ve had dates.. they left me.. I think they didn’t like what they found when I talked. Perhaps its not that at all.. and after all, I didn’t like them either…and after a while it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy doesn’t it. They don’t like me.. they think I am boring.. god knows what else. Stupidly enough I know I am being irrational…but how do you turn back the clock on so many years of e! People telling you you need to change or you’ll never make friends.. telling you your too this and too that. Am I? Am I really that bad? Is it even me? Or is it what has become of me after years and years of outing down and being told it’s all not good enough. What do I do? I don’t know what to do to get rid of this? More therapy? Have had 4 years of combine therapy. The last one got somewhere.. I cried for days and blamed my parents.. which is great.. but it just opened the flood gates.. I let it out now rather than keeping it in and giving myself stomach ulcers and headaches….. but what good is that…Now I’m just an emotional wreck. What I would like is to give all of the above e its place. You know.. put in on a shelf and have it there. I am no fool. I know this is not something you can forget and then have a happy life etc.. but it would be nice to say. Hey.. this happened…its rubbish but now I am happy, or at least not pre occupied with those feelings anymore. I want to be free of them. Only thing is…I don’t know how! |
||||
|
||||
 Originally Posted by KBC
OK. Seeinf as this is more important to me than the tone of someone's reply... 1. this 'problem'started when I was 8 and ended when I was about 25 2. I feel e about it as my story inidcates as I have no control over how I deal with it. It's just there and It comes out when ever it bloody feels like it which means my moods change a lot and I ca go from being happy and laughing ot en emotional wreck in minutes 3. I wish I knew.. this is why I would like someone to advise. I want it to be a part of amy life but in an impassive way as I also indicate in my story. I suppose you canot get rid of some things but you live with them right? Thats' what I need... but I can't figure out how to do it. |
||||
|
||||
|
Are you sure you want to do this,your combative responses are less then ideal for anyone(me) to try to assist. You now have to make a decision,do you try to accept others free help,from their kindness and willingness to help their fellow human being,or keep this chip on your shoulder and stay in the chaos you have been living in. Yes, you have me a little lost as why you wrote in, if this is going to be the attitude you are going to have. KBC |
||||
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by KBC
Yes, please. I would like you to help me if you can. I am obviously in trouble here.. as I cannot even accept help when it does come! So thank you, I would like your help if you are still willing to give it. |
||||
|
||||
|
Part of the issue is that you are looking only at the bad things of your childhood, most kids in school are picked on it is normal in fact, if you were not I would be more concerned you did not go to a normal school. If you wear glasses, if you are heavy, if you are skinny, if you can't play ball, if your family is poor, if your family is rich, those aer all reasons people are bullied in school. Next as a adult you merely stop having dealings with people you don't like, in school you have little choice, but as a adult you have time to do what you wish, not worry about what others thing, And of course instead of violence, you merely verbally tell them off. So write them a letter explaining exactly how these things made you feel, And the really sad issue is that the person doing this, most likely could care less about you, they were making fun of you because they felt bad about thierself, to make you look worst, made them feel better. There are good people, and there are bad people, you can not change them, you ingnore the bad ones and look for the good ones. |
||||
|
||||
|
[the question has always been there... but the urge to have ti answered sort of comes and goes. I guess that in the bad times you want it answered but then as soon as you feel good again, it doesn't matter so muhc.
Evrry year around Xmas it gets painful again mostly because I have to go home and see my parents... and my mother who still belittles me. I just want to get on with my life.. its not all doom an gloom.. I enjoy it most of the time.. its just that when I don't I realise that I have these issues and I need to give them their place.. rather than living from breakdown to breakdown.. |
||||
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by KBC
[the question has always been there... but the urge to have ti answered sort of comes and goes. I guess that in the bad times you want it answered but then as soon as you feel good again, it doesn't matter so muhc. Evrry year around Xmas it gets painful again mostly because I have to go home and see my parents... and my mother who still belittles me. I just want to get on with my life.. its not all doom an gloom.. I enjoy it most of the time.. its just that when I don't I realise that I have these issues and I need to give them their place.. rather than living from breakdown to breakdown.. |
||||
|
||||
|
I'm going to ask a rather off-the-wall question, but honestly, if it causes you THAT much pain to go home and see your mother/parents... why not just tell them that you cannot come home this year? Make plans. Holidays are NOT dictated. As an adult you make your own decisions - yes, you live with the consequences - but is going home going to help or hurt you? It may be the wrong question/advice, but why go home if it is this traumatic?? |
||||
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by HistorianChick
Well I think that is not off the wall at all actually. And I would conmsider it if I did not have brothers and their kids to see. Xmas is the only time of year I see them. There are ways around going to the parents but this would be s situation I may think a bit too drastic.. but you are right.. I need to find a way to let them know what happened is seriously not good. Thank you! |
||||
|
||||
|
Ok, so, it's not totally off-the-wall - cool! :) What about meeting at a restaurant? Get everyone together and have a public, nice Christmas dinner? It may be more expensive, but a public meeting may be a good way to deal with the issues that you're facing. I agree with you - this is a traumatic experience that just isn't going to go away. Steps have to be taken to tell/show your parents/family that you are hurt and will not continue to put up with it. You're an adult now, you don't have to put up with it. That's basically what being an adult means; you get to make your own decisions and CHOOSE who you want to be around. :) Being an adult carries the responsibility of making the right decisions and living with the consequences of what you choose. It's time to show your family that you're an adult. If nothing else, go in for a meal - maybe a night, but stay at a hotel or a friends house and leave in the morning. Make it under your terms. This is your mental health. You're in charge of your wellness. :) |
||||
|
||||
|
I agree with Historian Chick here. Meet in a public place and if you don't want to see your parents ask your siblings to come. As an adult you can chose what you want to do and who you want to do it with. However, enter the situation with an open mind. Don't go into the day thinking things will go bad, your positive attitude might rub off on others. |
||||
|
||||
|
I read your whole post, and I'm sorry that things were so difficult for you. It sounds like you have had a really hard time.
You said that you have had 4 years of therapy, right? Are you still going to therapy? If not I think it would be really beneficial to start again/keep going. The longer you do it the more chance at feeling better you have. I think it's a good thing that you are not bottling everything up, and are addressing these feelings, as well as looking for help. Please consider the therapy some more; sometimes it does take years to overcome some issues, and there is nothing wrong with that. Thanks for sharing your story with us and keep us posted if there is anything else you need to talk about. There are a lot of people here who like to help. |
||||
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by deepestdark1980
Do you have expectations for a kinder,gentler family life? Do those hopes and dreams seem like they could become real if you tried to change how you react to others by changing your own expectations? |
||||
|
||||
|
Hello, deepestdark1980 :)
It seems to me that you really want to celebrate christmas with your parents. How come? I guess you love them very much, in spite of all the bad things and the lack of support throughout your childhood. If you want your family to be together, I guess you will have to forgive them for what they've done, or rather didn't do. If you can't forgive them you will have to move on in your life - without them. So it seems like you will going to have to make a decision for yourself. I wish you all the best Illion :) :) :) |
||||
|
||||
|
[QUOTE=xxariesxx;1430214]sometimes it does take years to overcome some issues, and there is nothing wrong with that.QUOTE]
Yes, there's no shame in it taking years to overcome some issues, especially given how traumatic your childhood experiences were. You'll eventually need to deal with your relationship with your mother and may need to put some healthy distance between you both while you sort out some of your issues. Possibly not over Christmas, but some time soon. I sometimes think Children often carry the burden of their parents unresolved issues and as you start to take control, your mother is likely to feel out of control. If that's the case, you may have to be strong enough to let her deal with her problems rather than offering her a way out of her predicament... by being her rescuer. Does that resonate as being true for you at all? |
||||
|
||||
|
From one who has been where you are now, I have a few suggestions. One of the things you must do is put the past where it belongs, and begin to rebuild your self-esteem, and it is not an easy process. Rr_Chuck suggested writing letters. I agree with that, but I wouldn't send them. As you see your own truth, is how you should write it out. Even buy a little notepad, and just write out a 'letter' to those that have had the most negative influence on you. Then keep separate notes in another diary or notebook when these thoughts overcome you and undermine your success. It is all to easy not to move forward and take a chance on success (with a relationship or career etc.), when thoughts overwhelm you that keep you down. When you have your words on paper, and you can look at them, and put them in a 'place', maybe you will have some peace. You don't need to carry them around after you put them to rest. It isn't easy to face the end of anything. To let go of a childhood, or a parent relationship, or failed loves etc. is terribly difficult. It is a process of grieving. Grieving for what was, what should have been, and what has become. Be as truthful as you possibly can with yourself, and tackle one thing at a time. It matters not where the fault lies, but with how you rebuild yourself when you put the truth of what was, to rest. There really is a freedom in letting go of the past, no matter where it has taken you. |
||||
Not your question?
Ask your question
View similar questions
| Question Tools | Search this Question |
Add your answer here.
Check out some similar questions!
Bullied
[ 9 Answers ]
I was bullied for over 4 years at a small, all-girls secondary school and I had no friends. I had friends in year 7 and some of year 8 but from then onwards to year 11 I lost all my friends. I wandered whether it was me but I couldn't think of anything that would lead to everyone being nasty to me....
Bullied because of skin colour
[ 10 Answers ]
Please can anyone help me, my problem is that I have really dark skin and everyone makes fun of me at school and in my youth club (I've stopped going now). :( .Its been going on for ages but now I just can stand it anymore, its tearing me apart.My 'friends' aren't making any better,giving me names...
Bullied and afraid woman.
[ 3 Answers ]
]My neighbor has bullied me,and has vandalised my car. Landlord will not help and ignores my calls. Can't afford to move.I am afraid if I file a police report that he will retaliate harder against me.He has never spoken to me.
Will I be bullied in high school
[ 6 Answers ]
I have glasses and I am very quite I'm so scared and I want to fit in my phone is really old and they might bully me about that helpppp me
View more questions Search
|
