[NewYork123]

I have been dating this guy for about a month, but it is not technically official. We hang out everyday, study together, go out to eat, etc. we have had sex but I don't want to do it without knowing that we are official. I don't want to scare him off and make him feel trapped by hinting about it.. and also I feel like the guy should be the one to ask about being in a relationship. What do you think I could say is a reason why I don't want to have sex without making him feel trapped by hinting about a relationship? We are in college too.. and our break is starting now so I won't see him for a month..

[Eileen1218]

Yet, knowing you and he are not official.. you had sex w/ him. Why would he want to call it official after all he has all of you . Personally, I wonder what is official beyond dating and having sex with him. You should be looking at yourself worth NOT whether he is feeling trapped.

[kp2171]

spending tons and tons of time with a person is a good way to burn it out quickly... yes, we've all done it. Its exciting. Fun. Comforting.

add to that the experience of college, the freedom, the newness... again been there before myself... it's a great feeling, exciting, and easy to push yourself into a place where you wouldn't have necessarily run deliberately.

don't lose yourself in him at the expense of your friends and others. You don't want him to be your "girlfriend", right? So, make the time together quality time together, but leave some room for other things too. A little mystery is a good thing, and at this point in your relationship, maybe he needs to chase you a little harder. You can be everything you've been, just not at his beck and call all the time.

yes... I think quality time can be as simple as studying on the sofa together with your legs over his. I'm not saying play head games. But sometimes a little room occasionally isn't the worst thing. A strong woman with her own friends, own agenda, own interests is a wonderful thing.

and right now, there's not incentive for him to escalate this relationship... he gets to spend time with a person he likes and sex is there too. Bonus.

that doesn't mean he is a mean, scheming guy.. he's just a guy. A great girl to hang with + sex to boot = pretty good living. We aren't complicated creatures, you know.

so... you'd like to maybe know that this is more exclusive.

unfortunately, you cannot make him face anything he doesn't want to deal with without you taking an active role, most likely... not that his saying nothing so far means he doesn't want a relationship.. or that he does. You just don't know at this point.

if you'd like him to push for understanding the relationship, make the first move, I guess I get the perspective. It puts you a little more in control. Makes him extend himself. Unfortunately, this isn't usually a guys strong suit... the "where do you think this is going" speech just isn't natural for many guys.

so there's no easy answer where you can push for what you want to know without obviously pushing... again, ESP is another skill we aren't good at doing... ;)

so... you can rip off the bandage fast and just deal with this directly without making it some big deal... I mean, if he runs away at your asking "do you think i should date other guys or do you think we should be exclusive"... well, he isn't ready to handle you or a relationship.

and isn't that the answer you want? Of course you don't want to do anything dumb to "scare" him off, but if he spooks at the first hint of this maybe being a relationship... well, it Isn't one, then is it?

maybe its just me, but I prefer to know and live in reality. no... I don't want to talk about my feelings on the phone for hours on end. But tell me what you think without pretense and I can work with that. I can understand that. I don't have time or skills for mental gymnastics in an emotional minefield (im not saying that's where you are).

if you are hellbent on making him push for understanding without your taking some action concerning sex or the relationship, you'll have to just suffer silently... but I'm betting he will push for physical touch much sooner than he decides to ponder the relationship tags and titles.

[luciapappas]

Hey (New York)

Personally I don't think he should feel traped. Try not to feel obligated to satisfy his sexual need. I understand what chemistry is. I understand the atraction between the two of you. If you have doubts of him as why is not committing to you in this relationship than try to play the safe role, don't have sex with him. I really hope my answer was helpful. The best thing you could do is wait for him to innitiate this relationship. Best of luck. Please tell me if my advise was helpful.

[NewYork123]

Thanks for your advice.. we only had sex once and after it I felt really bad cause I don't want it to ever be the point where he just thinks he can get sex without being committed to me. He always says like "do u think im a keeper" and talks about like in a couple weeks what things will be like.. im thikning uhh hint hint? Lol but I definitely don't let him use me because I have been hurt before by thinking its more than it is.. I guess I just won't say anything and wait for him to say it.. but maybe at this age its not something you say, its just something you know? Like he said he would care if I messed around with someone.. so uh?

[N0help4u]

Tell him you are not ready until you are sure that he feels YOU are a keeper to him.

[luciapappas]

Dear New york,

Try to get over the fact that you made love to him once. Don't feel so guilty to the point you go crazy. I met a couple who who met on a blind date and had sex on the first day, and their romance continue and they are still together. It all depends on what kind of guy he is. I am sure you are smart enough to figure out what kind of guy he is. Remember what I told you get over the guilt feelings.. Let me know if my advise was helpful. Who know maybe in the future I may need your advise.

[talaniman]

Your both moving way to fast, and playing with each others feelings. Ahh young love.

Things may be great ,but a month is hardly a good indication of how things will be in 6 months. Your pushing to hard, and should relax, and see how you both handle things, as you get to know each other.

What's your hurry, and why are you listening to whatever he says, and taking it as gospel? Your letting yourself be influenced by words, and not actions, and its way to early for all that.

Both actions, and words should be the same, at least through the honeymoon period. Don't give up your social life just yet.

Too much, to soon, crash, and burn.

[NewYork123]

Last night I made plans to go out with my friends and then he asked to hang out with me, and the old me would have dropped everything to hang out with the guy I like.. but I was like no I should never put a guy first no matter how bad id rather hang out with him! And today he was saying that he thinks I am a keeper.. but says he doesn't trust me because he thinks I'm wild.. ugh.. but I shouldn't rush things you are right!

[kp2171]

Really glad you didn't drop your friends. Sure, you CAN change plans on occasion, just don't make it a habit. And hed better make it worth it.

Yes... its nice to be spontaneous. Its nice to be surprised. But I think if a guy wants to make plans, he should do it commonly with several days notice if possible. You don't have to play head games, but if it's a day or two before the weekend, and he hasn't made an effort, id go ahead an make plans... even if its not with other people. A few "im sorry. i made plans... but if you ask me sooner well have a better chance of getting together"s isn't the worst lesson to teach a guy on occasion. I've assumed a girl I was dating would be available on the weekend, and when she wasn't, due to my poor planning, I learned, eventually, to not assume anything.

The "he doesnt trust you because you are wild"... well that's some level of insecurity.

Which is OK. We all have our moments. I've been there myself.

But he's not sure what to do with you... again, its best when both people are on solid footing, not relying on the other for constant moral support. Doesn't mean you should back off... but if he has a habit of making statements like this... he might need more "babying" than you are willing to do.

Then again... things moved so fast and without really any boundaries that were clear or talked about... both of you probably are in a place of adjustment.

If he pushes sex, I would clearly talk to him about this. You can say "i know we went really far, really fast... but it caught me off guard, off balance. it was fun, but rushed. i dont want this to be about sex or pressure"...