[ashey23ole]

Hi guys, I really appreciate feedback, so feel free to say whatever...

I have a friend that I grew up with since childhood. We were inseparable but even had problems at a young age. She moved out of the neighboorhood at age 9 and we lost closeness until we had a class together in high school. At that time faced bulimia and she lost her sister of luekemia her junior year. Her parents then divorced and she was in a very unhealthy relationship with a guy.

On top off an eating disorder, she has dealt with:
-cutting her self
-being hospitalized 3 times for her mental health
-depression (although she has yet to reall grieve her sisters death)
-anxiety
-she dropped out of high school and out of community college courses
-she has had probably over 10 jobs, not very responsible
-she might be borderline personality disorder (she attaches herself to people and depends on them and goes crazy if they abandon her, so she's had bad experiences with ex bfs)

Other than those problems...
She is the abesolutely funniest person I know! She is the life of every party and everyone loves her personality because she's so entertaining... however not many people realize all the emotional baggage she brings with her. Because only me and her family and her boyfriends really recongized how unstable she is...

I have been there for her since her since died when she was 16/17. We are both 20 now and she has yet to really get a grip on life... and her instability is always a burden to me. She moved to albany for me because I made her happy. However she gets very jealous by my other friends. She needs the satisfaction in knowing that she's my number 1. however she makes me feel like a pushover because I feel like I can never say no to her. I hardly have a voice when in need to decide things... like where to eat, what to do, etc..

However she does help me ebcause she always has time to listen to me and ask questions about things I'm going through. Its nice to have a friend that is unselfish and makes conversation about you... I always loved that about her... but that is unstable as well

She isn't the best influence on me, I've been arrrested with her and I do reckless things with her but she is the humor in my life...

Currently we haven't talked in over 3 weeks because she isn't returning my calls/texts/voicemails. She has made no effort to contact me. This happens sometimes for no reason and it hurts me... a lot. Its painful that I once called her a best friend when she does this..

Is it right to shut someone out of my life because they have too many problems of their own??

[JudyKayTee]

I would be more concerned if the friendship causes you to make bad decisions (such as whatever led to your arrest) than I would about shutting her out because of problems in her life.

I think you support people as long and as far as you can until the relationship is poisonous to you and then you protect yourself first and them second.

At some point you begin to enable the other person, too.

[habaraba]

I just joined this community, but I came across your post and I just got to write a reply because that situation sounds so very similar to one that I've been in.

I have a friend since 6-7 years back something. I haven't gotten in as much trouble as you because of my friend, but she certainly has gotten me to do things that are way crazier than I normally would.

Me and my friend now though have a very normal relationship - extremely close, but still normal. Just this summer, something just happened and she pulled herself up by the collar and just... I don't know, complete 180, but I still recognise my friend in her only all the depression and unhealthy behaviour was gone. I'll take it from the start though...

My friend used to:
- Cut and burn herself
- For a time she did drugs, sold herself to get these drugs and got loans from some really scary people
- Skip school, drop everything she started with, didn't get jobs, didn't even try too afraid to get rejected
- For a year she lived completely off me and barely even went outside
- eating disorders
- etc etc

There were times when I just wanted to cut ties too. The time she lived with me was far from normal and I was so tired and exhausted from having not only to care for both of us economically, but also to support her, watch over her so she wouldn't do anything stupid and trying to study at the same time. I slept roughly 4-5 hours/night, sometimes just 3 and I wanted to get run over by a car just so that someone would care for me instead. Those were REALLY hard times, but just SOMEHOW we made it through that and after years of being patient and careful around her, slowly she started opening up and telling me about the issues she had, the reasons for why she was so mentally ill as she was. It turned out that in her 20 years, she had not told a soul, but that wasn't the end of it. Not long after she'd told me, she moved out and we barely spoke at all for six months. This was awfully painful (she'd shut me out many times before too and yeah, it hurt a lot), but during this time she managed to make herself independent. By not talking to me, she forced herself to stand on her own legs, learnt to be stronger. It was painful for me, but important for both of us.

To have such a demanding and unwell friend, it is heavy and it is hurtful. You are her lifeline though and I know that's maybe not a responsibility one wants, but she's given it to you because deep inside she really sees you as her most important friend. Those times when she doesn't talk to you, just let her be, let her take initiative to approach you again. To make sure she won't feel abandoned, you can send her a message and say that you are waiting for whenever she wants to talk again and in the meanwhile, take your time to recharge. Think of yourself, spoil yourself!

When she suggests stupid things though, maybe try suggesting something else? It can be outrageous too, but within the frames of the law? I don't know, because that's a sitation I never was in, but whenever my friends would suggest things that I didn't feel right with, I'd just try alter it a bit so that it'd be more okay for me, but I don't think it's a bad thing to refuse either. Even if she might at first will be upset with it, I think she in the long run will appreciate your honesty. My friend has and she's thanked me for it now afterwards when she's calmed down enough to think rationally about our past.

Lastly I just wish you good luck with everything! Be strong and I hope your friend will find her turnpoint too! I never thought my friend would be as happy as she is today. I thought she would continue to have anxiety attachs until she couldn't take it anymore and take her life, but yet here she is! Has been studying overtime while working, is way more optimistic than me about things and just... if so many months hadn't passed already I would've thought it was a short dream soon to be shattered. But there is hope! So hang in there, as long as it doesn't ruin your own life! If your life gets ruined though, then you won't be able to help her either.

[N0help4u]

I have had many friends, acquaintances and neighbors that I try to help. Most do drugs and sneaky type things. Eventually I have to wean or abruptly stop being there for them because they use and abuse my help. It gets to the point I feel like I am not helping them at all, only enabling them and running myself down. If you feel you are being dragged down in any way it is time to cut back or cut out the friendship.

Here is a list on things you can consider:
Recognize toxic personality types. They can be a criticizer, a complainer, a blamer, a drainer, a shamer or a gossip. Find a good book or website about toxic relationships that describe these personalities in detail.
Step2
Make a list of the people and types of behavior that are toxic in your life. Analyze your relationship with each person. If your relationship contains more negatives than positives, this person must be toxic.
Step3
Weigh the cost of cutting ties with the toxic person. If the person is your spouse, your boss or your parent, you may feel that the cost to end all ties will create too great a loss. In this case, think of ways to modify your response to their behavior, which may, in turn, alter their behavior.
Step4
Know and feel sure of your rights as a good defense response to your boss. Knowing your worth is important because the way you feel about yourself is often communicated through body language.
Step5
Confront your toxic person in a neutral way. Tell them you are being honest with them. Say what it is about their behavior that bothers you and how it makes you feel. Ask them if they are willing to end the behavior. If not, consider cutting all ties with them.
How to End a Toxic Relationship | eHow.com

[jjwoodhull]

No relationship is perfect. We get to know people and then decide if we can live with their flaws. Only you can answer this question: Would your life be better with her or without her.

[liz28]

I have friends that are into to things that I am not into and they can't make me do something I don't want to.

You need to learn to say no to the things that you don't want to do and stop being a pushover. All because you two are best friends your can have your separate interests that why we are all different. Stand up for yourself and if your friend can respect that then all well.

One of my closest friend get out of control when she drinks and act a fool. Even though she is my friend I've boundaries. One of those boundaries I have with her is that I'll never go to a bar, lounge, or club with her because I saw her drunken side and I can't deal with it.

Maybe you need to set boundaries with her and don't let her get nor bring you down.

[ashey23ole]

I appreciate all of your answers. They really put things in perspective for me. I shouldn't give up on her HOWEVER I need to learn to stand my ground and not let her tear at me. Its awful that she knows she can abuse me like that but in being a friend, I need to put myself first...

When she does contact me, Ill be sure to write again for some more help.

Thank you kindly

[scottmc77]

I appreciate all of your answers. They really put things in perspective for me. I shouldnt give up on her HOWEVER i need to learn to stand my ground and not let her tear at me. Its awful that she knows she can abuse me like that but in being a friend, I need to put myself first...

when she does contact me, Ill be sure to write again for some more help.

thank you kindly

I had an ex who was BPD and she was the most amazing and the most destructive force I have ever had in my life. One moment she could be the sweetest, most fun and outgoing person than she would switch to just pure rage and hatred, than horrible depression. It was sad to sit by and watch her in her endless cycles! :(

[ashey23ole]

Yes, I agree. My friend only lives her life in extremes. Hate her or love her.

Also, if anyone cares. I haven't been in contact with this friend for over 5.5 months...
She tried contacting me once early on, but I ignored it and haven't heard from her since...

I'm lacking some entertainment and joy in my life, however, I'm a whole lot less stressed out by her...