[olblueyes]

I've had a long-dist rel w/ my boyfriend for almost 1.5 years. We got along well, seemed pretty compatible. Just moved to bf's city, part to go to school here, but mostly to see how things work out. But ever since I got here, he practically NEVER touches me! In the past, we were only able to see each other in person 2x, & he had some... male problems. But we still did stuff, & he still cuddled with me, hugged & kissed me, held my hand, made smutty remarks. When I first showed up here, he joked that I looked like a librarian (new haircut and glasses). :( Then he let me snuggle w/him on the couch and that was it. He kisses & hugs me only as greeting/goodbye (v. brief kisses, too). He also blew town for 4 days right after I arrived, saying it was to camp w/ a male friend who was having a midlife meltdown. I later had a talk w/ him & he said that he *does* find me attractive, & that he'd gone on the trip to get his head straightened out. He'd also said he'd been "murderously frustrated" over his ongoing unemployment and had been staying away because he didn't want to inflict it on me. The talk went well, but though he spent the night, same problem. No real contact, him slowwwly scootching over to his end of the mattress. The next morning I made a flirty comment re: how I might've woken him up if he hadn't awakened on his own, & voilà! No more overnights. He says it's because he's going out to his workshop and it's faster to leave from his apt. We went to a movie and the evening went very well... just no touching. Couldn't stand it anymore & I finally made a move when it was clear he was going straight home. He simply left. Have heard nothing from him for 4 days since. Okay, so he's semi-impotent (he's said he thinks it's emotional/mental). He had also previously mentioned feeling slightly nervous about me moving to his city for him. But he's talked to me as though we'll be doing stuff in the future (restaurants to visit, friends of his to meet, etc.)... he just NEVER TOUCHES ME! Does anyone have a clue wth might be going on here? Suggestions? I feel completely rejected, and frankly, pretty d*mn ugly by now. Also lonely as h*ll, since he's the only person I know here. I just don't believe this. :(

[smoothy]

Maybe he has fallen out of love with you and just hasn't gotten the nerve up to say it.

But having said that it's a rare man that would be in bed with a woman that would turn down her advances... if he liked her or not.

I think there may be more than one problem in play here... but it might be hard to guess which ones without him being more forthcoming to you.

[450donn]

Could be physical or emotional. It can also be because he feels are pushing him. Guess since you are not married, you have two choices. Stay in the relationship and try and convince him to see a doctor and get help, or move on.

[Synnen]

You're better off asking him straight out than asking us, honestly.

If he won't give you a straight answer, then I'd probably give up on him and find someone that didn't make me feel bad about myself.

[olblueyes]

You're better off asking him straight out than asking us, honestly.

If he won't give you a straight answer, then I'd probably give up on him and find someone that didn't make me feel bad about myself.

Thank you all. It makes me feel better to read your answers and to know that you took the time to address the concerns of a (blithering, confused, embarrassed) stranger. :)

And Synnen, you're absolutely right. While I don't know if he'll be completely forthcoming, there's no way I can figure out what's going on w/o asking him (first I've got to *locate* him, though).

I'd considered some of those options, but no idea what might be most accurate. Maybe it'd be hard for him to tell me he doesn't love me (esp. after I moved to his city), but I'd gotten the impression he was a VERY brave, non-cowardly person... NOT someone who ran away easily. Of course, I'd also thought he was smutty by nature and incapable of getting through the day w/ o making flirty remarks OR of turning down any form of sex. Figured I might be too close to the situ, so why not ask someone who wasn't?

So writing here was part desperation (bf avoiding me, hard to tell friends who might still meet him the whole story "see, my bf's always had erection probs with me, but he still seemed to WANT me, and I figured we could work it out in time..") and part... well, I thought that a stranger might see what I might be missing. Maybe I'd been misjudging the situation.

RE: physical/mental issues: He currently has next to NO money because of his employment probs. No ins, either. And I think he sees shrinks as useless yuppie ornaments. I can afford all of these, and could/would offer to pay for it, but... I really think that'll bother him.

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

[plonak]

Yea I really suggest that you sit him down and have him tell you straight up what's going on.. and tell him if he doesn't give you an honest answer (no bull) then you're leaving him..

You seem to be an independent chick and you'll be fine without him..

I always keep this thought in my head when things go wrong in a relationship " don't stay miserable in a relationship just because you're afraid to be alone"

Be strong and good luck

[Choux]

Ole,

You don't have a boyfriend, you just call him a boyfriend. Actions speak louder than words, my friend.

If a man treats you lovingly and with consideration... makes love to you and thinks of ways to please you... that is a boyfriend!!

I recommend that you see a therapist to help you at this tender and confused stage of your life. You deserve the best life has to offer.

Best wishes,

[peacekeeper4u4]

WoW! Your question hits a little too close to home. I've been dating my guy for 3 years now, 2 of which were long distance.(he supported me to go to Austin for school) Everythings always been great, even while I was gone, he even told me several times he wanted to marry me and told me detailed sketches of what our life could be like together when I was finished. Now I'm done and just moved back. Been here 2 months now and he's holding my hand and all about the I Love You's and I miss you but no sexual anything anymore. That has never been a problem before and now I'm so confused. I finally asked him what was going on and he said he thought he had a rash or something worse and would go to the doctor at the end of the month. So, things start to make sense again. Then his appointment comes around and he goes and finds out he's good to go, no problems. So new years eve comes along and we had a great night, truly. We laughed, kissed, shot firecrackers, went to his place and he was all over me. He finished in about 1 minute then quickly got up, changed and laid down. I asked him if he was through and he said no give him a minute and 2 minutes later he was snoring. I drove myself home and the next day out of desperation, confusion and hurt ego and feelings I said I think we need to take a break. His reply... ok, (thats it, 2 letters is all I get after 3 years and all the I love you's) and he dropped me off and have not talked since(4 days). It doesn't make any sense. Should I call him and try to talk about it again, assume this is the end and try to move on broken-hearted, or wait it out a week or two and talk after some time has passed to clear our heads? I'm dying over here too and don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him at all but I don't want to be a doormat either. It shouldn't be like this now that we both finally got what we were asking for. Right?

[olblueyes]

Peacekeeper,
I'm really sorry to hear that. ☹

Yeah, mine did some similar stuff… asking me about what areas I might want to live in, my feelings about house types, neighbors, etc. Then I came here, and (whoosh!).

Bear in mind that I might not be the best advice source. I had *no* clue re: what my bf's issue was at the time. Still…

A rash? Huh. To me it sounds like your boyfriend could be having some sexual problems and is trying to cover up/deny it. In my experience, guys can be funny about admitting to problems in that area. And there are many reasons it can happen. Stress alone can do it.

And it sounds like there might be a little stress there for both of you. Years of anticipation and now that you're finally together, it's supposed to be perfect. That's a LOT of pressure. Then two months w/o physical contact had you wondering about the relationship… so when your boyfriend did a hit and run, you thought this was how things were going to be from now on.

Does that sound right?

If that was the first time you did it in awhile, I'd cut him a little slack. I know two months w/o sex is maddening --esp. when you're spending a lot of time together -- but that night was a starting point. And while it doesn't sound like a great experience on your end, the fact that he went so fast suggests that he was VERY excited and eager. So it's not a matter of him not wanting you. And you said he's been v. affectionate otherwise, right? He might've have been looking forward to sex just as much as you were but been unable to keep an erection. The doctor's visit might relate to that.

Did he usually conk out right after sex before? 'Cause I've found the falling asleep thing to be kind of typical w/ men and not related to attitude/selfishness. It's just a physical response... annoying, but common. Like snoring.

I would suggest that you contact your boyfriend and ask him if he'd be willing to meet and talk with you. Had you been looking forward to being together with him? Tell him. Have you enjoyed the time you've been spending together so far (no-sex aside)? Tell him. If you still care about him, tell him so. Do you still want him? Tell him. If he's having sexual issues, he probably needs reassurance there. Telling him you wanted to take a break immediately after that bad night may have reinforced this. You could try telling him you're concerned about him (rather than pointing out your sexual dissatisfaction; if it's something he's already worried about, that prob. Won't help). There's a TON of entries in this site re: guys who don't/can't last. You might want to check those out, too.

As to why it's happening…

Your boyfriend may have felt some extra pressure to perform now that you're in town; not necessarily from anything you said or did, but simply due to his own expectations. Like when you want an event to be perfect so badly that it makes you nuts. Or maybe he might be feeling other things are expected of him now that he's not comfortable with. Financial stuff, housing, being more responsible, etc. Have there been any other changes in his life besides your arrival? Anything that could cause stress or distraction?

Some of this may be the cause, or all of it, or none of it. If you can talk to him, then you stand a better chance of finding out.

Weird to say, but it seems like long distance relationships are a LOT easier than in-person ones.

Good luck, and I truly hope things work out for you!

[flwruop]

Well if he's always had these problems I don't think it's stress. Have you considered that maybe he doesn't like girls? Seriously! Not to be funny or anything.

[olblueyes]

Well if he's always had these problems i don't think it's stress. Have you considered that maybe he doesn't like girls? Seriously! Not to be funny or anything.

flwruop,

Acc'd to him, he hadn't always had these problems, just since his last relationship (going by his rep, he used to be something of a rake). And 6 months ago we were still active in every other way.

But yeah, once I got here and the insanity started I'd wondered about that possibility, too. Sudden disinterest in ANY physical contact? Avoiding me in general? Leaving town w/ a male bud?

When we finally talked, he was emphatic about still liking girls.

Thinks he might want to *be* one, though.

(shrug)
Not quite the same thing, but...

[dontknownuthin]

I had similar relationships in my younger days - twice. The first time, I learned that the man I was seeing was gay. The "friend" he was going to visit and support was his secret male lover, and both were hoping that they weren't really gay because it was not consistent with the religious teachings they were raised with. My so-called boyfriend did love me and did think I was attractive but he later said, "when I thought your outfit was cute, I wanted to shop with you, not sleep with you!". We ended up great friends but it was really painful at first for me.

The second time, the man made the moves and sparks definitely flew for both of us but he always stopped short of where most guys would try to go. I learned he was planning all his life to be a Catholic priest and was about to leave for seminary. He left the seminar at one point, and we picked things up again, but he started acting like this again and sure enough, he was soon back to becoming a priest.

My husband also did this. He was contemplating divorce, and had someone on the side.

This behavior is very, very hurtful and though the man may be trying to avoid hurting you, he is hurting you and you need to leave the relationship. I'm sorry to say that because it can hurt so much, but you are treading water with a man who has far more going on than he's telling you. A man who loves a woman and is able and free to have a real relationship with her - well, he's not avoiding sexual contact, I can assure you. That's the primary thing most men want out of a relationship at least in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage.

[olblueyes]

I had similar relationships in my younger days - twice. The first time, I learned that the man I was seeing was gay. The "friend" he was going to visit and support was his secret male lover, and both were hoping that they weren't really gay because it was not consistent with the religious teachings they were raised with. My so-called boyfriend did love me and did think I was attractive but he later said, "when I thought your outfit was cute, I wanted to shop with you, not sleep with you!". We ended up great friends but it was really painful at first for me.

The second time, the man made the moves and sparks definately flew for both of us but he always stopped short of where most guys would try to go. I learned he was planning all his life to be a Catholic priest and was about to leave for seminary. He left the seminar at one point, and we picked things up again, but he started acting like this again and sure enough, he was soon back to becoming a priest.

My husband also did this. He was contemplating divorce, and had someone on the side.

This behavior is very, very hurtful and though the man may be trying to avoid hurting you, he is hurting you and you need to leave the relationship. I'm sorry to say that because it can hurt so much, but you are treading water with a man who has far more going on than he's telling you. A man who loves a woman and is able and free to have a real relationship with her - well, he's not avoiding sexual contact, I can assure you. That's the primary thing most men want out of a relationship at least in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. That sounds incredibly frustrating for you. :(

I have left him. The fact that he might want to be a woman – or just dress like one? That’s slightly weird for me, but not the major issue. It’s not like he’s stretching out my stuff, after all. ☺ H*ll, shopping and primping together might make us even closer. No, the problem is/are:

*He didn’t TELL me he was going through any of this before I moved here to be with him. I don’t know whether this would have stopped the move, but at least I would’ve known it wasn’t that he thought I was hideous, when he suddenly started avoiding me like the plague. I wouldn’t have spent a month + absolutely miserable because I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want me/to be around me (& he wouldn’t talk about it).

*He took care of the bare necessaries (helped me get my stuff to my apt, showed me the shopping center, let me borrow some things till the movers arrived) but otherwise? He more or less abandoned me in a strange town. He’s still checked out in most senses. We talk and sometimes he comes over, but the only thing he wants to talk about is this issue. He’ll send me a 3-sentence note normally (vague comments re: his week, maybe ending w/ the hope that my week’s going well). Whenever he reads something new re: transvestitism, I get a 4-page letter. I recognize that this is the most riveting thing in his life right now, but I feel used. Esp. since I know I’m the only one of his “friends” who knows what’s going on (he’s really scared of how his male buds will react). So I’m his sounding board. And any of the issues I might have? Well, I really don’t get the impression he gives a rat’s *ss. At least he’s not esp. supportive. And I could use a little support, too. College is proving really stressful, and I have a chronic illness (which he knew about). Simply asking how my week’s going would be a start.

*I recognize that he didn’t do all this simply to with my head and that it’s as uncomfortable and strange for him (maybe moreso) as it is for me. And I’d like to be supportive –-still be friends w/him-- but he’s never there for me in return. It’s depressing.

Am trying not to be ticked at him for bringing me here under false pretenses. Mostly, I think I’m angry at him for forcing me back into the d*mn dating pool. :\ Bleaugh.

Sorry, just needed to vent. There's no one I can talk to re: this.

I really appreciate your advice and empathy.

[plonak]

Hey sweetie,

Let me first start by saying I'm so sorry that you had to find that out about your boyfriend and that you feel all alone. That's a total bummer.

Now, I understand your frustration about moving all the way out there for him and then finding this out. You feel like it was for nothing. But honestly, you don't have anyone to blame but yourself. You made the choice to come out to where he lives, all risks at hand. Who knows, anything could happen in a relationship.. surely you knew that in moving all the way out there.

I know your case is quite different than mosts but your relationship just simply didn't work out.

Now it's time for you to pick up and move on. You're in a new city, living the difficult college life, and it's time to start meeting some new people, getting out there and dating new cute guys.. think of it like a whole new start. . You're free to discover your new life.. it can be an exciting time right now.

All I'm saying is don't regret being where you are right now, you moved there for a reason, maybe for many reasons, and I think putting a positive spin on it might help you.

We all have to make big decisions in our lives and it's up to us to make the best of them

[peacekeeper4u4]

Olblueyes-
Thanks A LOT for your reply. Maybe your right and I just overreacted to some things because of the pressure that things should be a certain way. I didn't really consider that before and now it makes a lot of sense. I really appreciate the advice and I agree with you, it's pretty cool that complete strangers can come together on this site and help each other out. I think I will try to talk to him and tell him exactly how I feel. I think after 3 years we both owe each other some slack and a second chance. Now I kind of feel silly for jumping to such an extreme so quickly. We've both been kind of stressed since the reunion and neither of us has been handeling the best way apparently. I hope I can explain things to him the right way now and him understand. If he is having problems in that area and I suggested a break so fast he might think now that I'm not there for him when he needs it even if I don't understand the situation. I'll try to talk to him. Thanks again, I really DO appreciate it. My nerves feel a lot better already. Have you talked to yours anymore or is he still incognito? I hope things get better for you as well and if not, good luck in future endeavors. Happy New Year has a whole new meaning this time around. =) ;)