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linnealand · Oct 29, 2008, 01:47 PM

I mean this in the best way, but if you're so sure about your actions, why are you asking the question?

Choux · Oct 29, 2008, 02:12 PM

This is the most interesting question and discussion we have had in a long time.

Let me say that a woman is ALWAYS in a different position than a man is... so unless a man is ready to make a **serious COMMITTMENT**, then he deserves nothing except a woman's love and caring, but no promises of monogamy unless commitment. A woman ALWAYS has to look out for herself, her best interests, always.

They are roommates with priviliges... the man just doesn't know it. He should because he hasn't offered a commitment to his women so he is a user.

Annabelle789123 · Oct 29, 2008, 02:21 PM

He was with the same woman for over 20 years (married to her only 9) and she hurt him real bad. He basically told me he will never remarry again. But, he does believe in being committed to another and so DID I at one time. That just made me jealous, irritable, un-trusting and worse... vulnerable.. No... I am not retaliating against men and trying to hurt them. It just so happens that when a good friend introduced me to the one I live with, I had just also met this other guy as well.

The reason why I posted this question is because I KNOW I am not the only woman in this situation and to see how other people felt about it and get other opinions about this subject.

It is hard to make it on your own in this economy and if my boyfriend is willing to let me live with him and help him out around the house and also give him a little then I am more than willing to do it. I would rather do this than live in a cardboard box on the side of the road. Call it what you may...

Choux · Oct 29, 2008, 02:33 PM

I'm talking about the guy you are living with. :) Strictly speaking he is using you.

I only believe in devotion in marriage. Marriage is the only thing that really protects women from a host of bad outcomes.

By the way, I don't think you are ready to get married again yet.

Annabelle789123 · Oct 29, 2008, 02:40 PM

Choux
I apologize for making it sound like "you" were doing that, I meant everyone in general... thanks!

Choux · Oct 29, 2008, 02:42 PM

I get where you are at.

This is a time for you to live fully. :)

Take care, love you :)

Annabelle789123 · Oct 29, 2008, 02:54 PM

Yes, marriage is the furthest thing from my mind. I got married way too young and didn't enjoy the freedom of life yet and am enjoying it now...

liz28 · Oct 29, 2008, 03:59 PM

Well I must say you are an adult and is capable of making your own decisions but how much longer are you going keep this up?

You and this guy, that you sleep with on the side, already have an arrangement that your both agreed too and that is to be sex buddies. When this arrangemnt is made neither party can't be mad if the other person is dating someone else.

But the guy your living with have no acknowledgement of the arrangement with the other guy. At first I thought your two was just roomates with benefits but then you stated he was your boyfriend so that means your cheating on him. Don't you think that is wrong? But I gues not since you was faithful to you to your husband and nobody else deserve that treatment. If you don't want a relationship and want to be free, than do so by making an arrangement with him. You stated he was cheated on by his wife and now he have to go through that again. What a shame! Must he pay for you wanted to be free and for your faithfulness to your husband?

You stated living with him is better than living in a cardboard on the street and if he was to find out what your doing he would kick you out. I hope he does find out. I think it's time to get your own place and be free to do what you want.

I know someone that is doing exactly what your doing but the difference between her and you is that she is upfront about it. The guy she is currently dating is aware that she sees other guys because he agreed to be in an open relationship with her. She goes out with other guys but her rule is to never lead a guy on and anyone she meet even accept her arrangement or not. Even though I don't agree with some of the things she does I must give her credit for being honest.

southerngalps · Oct 29, 2008, 04:18 PM

That is exactly why you inform the person: Because it is not a commitment.

linnealand · Oct 29, 2008, 07:09 PM

I just want to preface what I'm about to say by telling you that I decided to dedicate my time and energy to answering this question because I thought I could help you someway. It came from the inside of my heart. But I'm rather confused by some things you've said.

It sounds like you wanted to hear what other people might think about your situation, or perhaps meet up with some other manipulators who feel great about what they're doing. Well, now you've heard it. You have a hillside full of people saying that what you're doing, or at least the way you're doing it, is wrong. Somehow you also found someone who thinks it sounds like a great little scheme you've got going on. I wonder who you're going to listen to...

What a tub of baloney this is. He's using you because he invited you into his life, dedicated himself as your monogamous boyfriend, invited you into his house to live, is, as you yourself said, good to you, for whatever reason has decided to trust you even though he's had his heart permanently crushed by a cheating ex-wife... and because you're sleeping together he's using you? My lord, it seems like someone might have messed with the wires in your brain while you were sleeping because that makes no sense at all.

Okay, I've said all I'm going to say, and I'm done. Just one last thought... one day these things are going to come back to bite you in the butt. Hard. Some of us call it Karma.

I wish you luck. I wish even more to your boyfriend.

southerngalps · Oct 29, 2008, 07:31 PM

My last thought: the mature thing is to be honest. The immature thing is lying. Think about it, when you are a kid you hide things from your parents because you don't want to get into trouble. You are getting what you want with one man and whatever you don't have in that one in the other. You are getting what you want and the one of them is getting what he wants: SEX. Wouldn't it be fair that the other one have a chance to know that what he is getting (something that he is not aware of) may not be what he wants: DISHONESTY?

Synnen · Oct 30, 2008, 05:53 AM

Originally Posted by Choux

I'm talking about the guy you are living with. :) Strictly speaking he is using you.

I only believe in devotion in marriage. Marriage is the only thing that really protects women from a host of bad outcomes.

By the way, I don't think you are ready to get married again yet.

Strictly speaking, the OP is using him.

SHE hasn't proposed marriage either.

And she lies to him on a constant basis.

I hope someone tells him that she's "cheating" on him.

Again--I agree with others here. If you want to have sex with more than one person in the same time, then you need to be honest with them. Maybe YOU got tested and are clean---but your buddy may be seeing ANOTHER piece of tail on the side (or multiple pieces of tail) who Isn't clean.

Good luck with that when (not if) it happens.

My personal bottom line is that you are a selfish, manipulative liar.

satswid · Oct 30, 2008, 06:27 AM

Love has no age and boundaries.
It is the strongest relationship but all on the base of a weak thread known as "Trust".
As I say - "No Trust No Relationship."

If you and the guy you are living with love each other there must be enough trust to handle this situation.

Basically
If you trust him you should not hide anything.
And if he trusts you he will understand

Annabelle789123 · Oct 30, 2008, 06:32 AM

After listening to everyone I have decided to end the "other" on the side relationship-it is wrong and lying is wrong too. No, I am not married/engaged, but my boyfriend is in a relationship and I need to be there as well.

Thanks for all the info and comments-I really appreciate it. The one I am living with is really a great guy and I would hate to lose him over being selfish and hurtful. With all the comments, you have given me a lot to think about-things I didn't even imagine.

Sometimes, we all need input from other people to "see" what is really happening! Thanks!

kp2171 · Oct 30, 2008, 07:03 AM

If you wish to date more than one person, that's certainly your prerogative.

The problem I have with some of the advice given is you cannot be "honest" with "no game playing" and not play "head games" while you are lying to them.

I might feel different if you were living on your own.

Though most people tend to feel more comfortable with monogamous dating, there's nothing wrong with a woman, or man, dating more than one person... but I believe the other partners deserve to know where you stand, especially if sexually active and in a long term relationship.

You live with a man and have an extended relationship with him. If your actions on the side are actions that would hurt him, then you are choosing your own needs over the relationship. I think its OK to choose your needs first... after all, the best relationships are where your needs and the needs of the relationship have great overlap...

BUT, I believe, if you choose yourself first (other relationship), and you continue to run around behind your live ins back, you are then just using the long term mate as security, your fall back... and if you care at all about him, you should give him more... which means reality. He deserves to know where you stand in this relationship with him. You can choose yourself first, but that means your live in relationship is just a sham unless you are more open about the state of that relationship.

So... I'm not going to bash you for being attracted to another person, not going to say you shouldn't date more than one person... but I will say any dishonestly within a reasonably long term relationship speaks volumes about the state of the relationship, your morals, or both.

Should your live in be portrayed as a complete victim here? Not completely... as stated, without a serious commitment from each of you, to the other, you are, in fact, not committed. But I do think we assume, perhaps naively, that the person you are with is acting in good faith, and when there are conflicts of self interest versus the relationship, that sooner or later something has to give.

Should he assume because you live under his roof that you are going to be monogamous? "free rent" for monogamy? Both sides are trying to play for their best interests... at some point, and perhaps that point is now, there's going to need to be progress forward or backward, or a better communication between you about what each desires.

If you cannot be on the up and up with your live in, you ARE playing head games, manipulating, and dishonest. As long you are OK with that, then you don't have a problem.

southerngalps · Oct 30, 2008, 08:09 AM

Originally Posted by Annabelle789123

After listening to everyone I have decided to end the "other" on the side relationship-it is wrong and lying is wrong too. No, I am not married/engaged, but my boyfriend is in a relationship and I need to be there as well.

Thanks for all the info and comments-I really appreciate it. The one I am living with is really a great guy and I would hate to lose him over being selfish and hurtful. With all the comments, you have given me alot to think about-things I didnt even imagine.

Sometimes, we all need input from other people to "see" what is really happening! Thanks!

Very big of you. Wish nothing but the best!

kp2171 · Oct 30, 2008, 08:34 AM

Well, my last post fell after your latest development...

Your decision is yours... you get to own it. The only thing I say is think about the relationship you are in, where it is, what's lacking, what is right, etc... don't be afraid to evaluate it, talk about it, take action.

Its possible to be with the wrong "great guy"... its possible to change your mind, and decide maybe there's more there than you thought.

My line in the sand doesn't have to be yours... but when I saw a relationship not progressing forward, when it looked like itd run its course and/or was lacking in some things I needed, it was time to confront that. Two times that meant I had to walk away from women I really loved...

Just make sure if you stay its not just because he's a good guy and its comfortable. We see more than a few threads here with women, many years into a relationship with a good guy and a good life, usually married, who feel trapped and lonely.

Most relationships require some compromise, and the more you face your needs and wants, and evaluate your relationship, the better chance your choices will be based on your happiness, whatever the results.

linnealand · Oct 30, 2008, 10:26 AM

Kp, I have to spread some more reputation around before giving the credit that this last post deserves. I think it is right on, and there's a whole lot of very good, very wise advice to it.

Annabelle, I am surprised that you have decided to reconsider. Personally, I think you're doing the right thing, at least in taking another look at your choices. From piecing together your story, I can only imagine how hard things may seem. It sounds like you came out of your divorce very recently, and I know how easy it can be to feel flooded with both the joys and the fears that come with that level of independence and freedom.

One part of that can be the high you get when you realize how attractive you might be to other people. There are a lot of things that can rust out or disappear when you're in a long term relationship... especially if it's a bad one. In my own life, I have seen a number of people take all kinds of different roads after their long term marriages ended. I think the best thing you can do is to be conscious of the choices you make, and realize that they might be influenced by your new position in the world.

Regarding my other posts, including the points which I still stand behind, I think my biggest reservations came from the giddy feeling I felt I was getting from your posts. It's never a good thing to consciously risk someone else's heart just so you can have more fun, especially when they're so good to you.

In any case, I hope you get things straightened out. You have a lot of options available to you! I wish you lots of luck in putting your new life together.

Choux · Oct 30, 2008, 01:50 PM

Annabelle, Best wishes to you going forward in life. :)

smoothy · Oct 31, 2008, 04:58 AM

Originally Posted by Annabelle789123

I am sterilized so I cannot get pregnant. That is something I did immediately after my divorce last year.
The guy that I live with would be hurt and would throw me out if he found out. He has been a very loving, giving person to me. And no, I do not "mooch" off him.
I cook, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, plan and have parties for his family and friends and 2 kids (they live with mom).

I don't want people to think I just sleep around and mooch. I work very hard at a full-time job and see/sleep with only ONE other person. The "other" guy is only wanting a piece of tail and so am I. And yes-this is a true story and real life situation.

I think you have your answer... because he would most definitely see it as mooching... unless you also pay half the rent and utilities... and even then maybe because if he is hurt its because he at least believes there is the expectation of monogamy. Let me tell you as a man speaking, It would be nearly impossible for me to accept a woman coming home and getting into my bed when she was just out banging another man... even if we weren't engaged. Dating a woman who is really is not the same as living with one that is.

No you may not now get pregnant, but there is always the ever present STD several of which can't be cured. And a multitude that can be. And they are not that uncommon at all. Something extremely important to not forget these days.