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erik99615 · Oct 25, 2008, 01:32 PM

I am in a serious relationship with my girlfriend. She has never reached orgasm, and this is becoming a problem in our relationship. (We have tried hard, until, it becoming a focus of our sex life, in which case I dropped it, so as not to stress her out, though I still think about it every time we have sex, I think I see her thinking it as well) I feel that I need it to know that I am doing my part as a boyfriend, to the point where I'm less excited about having sex. Lately, I have been having more trouble climaxing myself, knowing that it will not be mutual. Also, I feel that if she is not reaching orgasm, she is not fully with me. Is her mind not into this?

I really want this, as something that can complete us, climax together, making love.

I've been reading that this is fairly common, but I'm of the though that with dedication, anything can be overcome.

Please offer any advice that can help us.
Erik

Alty · Oct 25, 2008, 01:38 PM

Many women never reach orgasm during sex, so stressing about this isn't going to do anything but create more tension, and not in a good way.

Can she reach orgasm through masturbation? Does she masturbate? If she doesn't know her own body then how can you hope to figure it out?

If mutual orgasm is the most important thing in your relationship, then you are doomed to fail from the start. Sex should be pleasurable, not a job, and that's what you're turning it in to.

I'm sure she knows how upset you are about this and that's making it even harder for her to reach orgasm.

Talk about this, explore each other, bring the fun back into sex. If it's meant to happen it will, but not until you completely stop obessessing about it.

Good luck.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 25, 2008, 01:38 PM

Ok, the climax togther thing is more in the movies, but do you do enough foreplay, have you asked her how she likes to be pleased, where and how she enjoys it. Helping her reach her climax before you even start is where you start

Choux · Oct 25, 2008, 04:19 PM

Always stop an unsuccessful endeavor... otherwise, all you do is reinforce failure. It's like Dr. Phil says, "When you are in a hole, stop digging!"

What you both are doing is unsuccessful, so you have to get help!

Get some money together and visit a sex therapist, is my recommendation. *Just guessing*, but I think maybe you guys are very young and have some misinformation about what it takes for an orgasmic sex life for both.

Best wishes going forward, :)

kp2171 · Oct 25, 2008, 04:50 PM

I don't know how anyone can make any judgements about your relationship without more info...

How old are you? How old is she? Has she ever had an orgasm? With anyone else? By self stimulation?

What do you do sexually? Intercourse? Oral? Position?

Seriously... ignorance isn't a hole that absolutely requires a sex therapist.. it requires communication, a little reading, a little effort... but if every young, clueless person in this world were to need a therapist, the field would be ten times as big.

We all start ignorant. The female orgasm, in my opinion, is more complicated than the males. If she doesn't know how to get herself off, you won't either.

So... answer the questions I asked first... what is your experience and her experience? Talk to her about whether she's ever been able to reach orgasm.

I have some potential suggestions, but without the needed info, id just be making noise.

J_9 · Oct 25, 2008, 04:58 PM

Originally Posted by Choux

Get some money together and visit a sex therapist, is my recommendation.

Erik, it is a common misconception that women have orgasms with penetration. Not all women do. Many women only have orgasms with clitoral stimulation.

It's not time for a sex therapist yet, rather, it is time for experimentation and exploration. Explore her body, let her tell you what feels good and what doesn't. Many men think that they have to bring their lovers to orgasm every time. Yet you weren't blessed with a woman's body. She has to tell you what her likes and dislikes are and go from there.

linnealand · Oct 26, 2008, 04:12 PM

Hang on, cowboy.

There are a lot of women who say that they have never had an orgasm, and there are even more who say that they can't climax from penetration alone. I think that if you stress out about it, and if she stresses out about it, you're only going to have a harder time trying to get it out of her. :)

As it has been suggested, the more your girlfriend knows her body, the better chances she'll have of having an orgasm.

I understand your desire for the profound connection that comes from being able to bring your partner to climax, but don't go thinking that your relationship is "incomplete" without it. As for the feelings of unity that come when you are able to reach orgasm simultaneously, well, that's something that comes with practice (or luck) :). For now, you're still working on step number one.

You don't necessarily have to have an orgasm to have good sex or to realize a profound connection. Do you know anything about tantric sex? If not, you might find it worth reading about. In tantric sex, the sole goal is not the orgasmthe prize is the sexual experience itself. While tantric sex does stem from religious practices, I think the "watered down version" that can allow you to learn more about the profound experiences that are possible through sex is perfectly fine.

Here is a very basic description of it from Tantra Sex – A Tantric Sex Primer.

"The goal of Tantric sex is to allow us to experience more depth and breadth in our sexuality. The goal is not necessarily orgasm, but rather enriching the whole sexual experience.

In Tantric sex the point of sex is not orgasm, the point is to feel. There is no clear cut beginning middle or end. Most of the exercises related to Tantric sex involve slowing things down, trying not to focus on our external body, or orgasm, or anything outside of our experience of the moment.

Without a focus on orgasm, the goal becomes increased awareness leading to greater understanding of ourselves, which eventually leads to enlightenment. There is no pressure to 'get over the top'. This doesn't mean that orgasm doesn't exist in Tantra, it just isn't the be all and end all. The spiritual practice and the good sexual feelings are inter-related, each leading back to, and improving the other."

You can also find more information on the subject by following these links:

Discovery Health :: Tantric Sex

Tantric sex

Tantra * Kama Sutra * Tantric Sex | Tantra.com

aaj2008 · Oct 26, 2008, 08:53 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Ok, the climax togther thing is more in the movies, but do you do enough foreplay, have you asked her how she likes to be pleased, where and how she enjoys it. Helping her reach her climax before you even start is where you start

Actually the climax together is not just in the movies... I have actually had a climax at the same time as my girlfriend on several occasions... its all about talking to your woman and seeing what she wants... sometime she wants you to stop and slow down so she can have 3 or 4 or however many before you are finished. And yes some women are not capable of vaginal orgasm. Some are too used to clitoral orgasms they find vaginal ones bad and do not get in that special place in their head where they have to be to have an orgasm. Talk your partner. Express how you feel.

Synnen · Oct 27, 2008, 05:53 AM

Originally Posted by aaj2008

Actually the climax together is not just in the movies...I have actually had a climax at the same time as my girlfriend on several occasions...its all about talking to your woman and seeing what she wants...sometime she wants you to stop and slow down so she can have 3 or 4 or however many before you are finished. And yes some women are not capable of vaginal orgasm. Some are too used to clitoral orgasms they find vaginal ones bad and do not get in that special place in their head where they have to be to have an orgasm. Talk your partner. Express how you feel.

I don't think it's that women are 'too used to' clitoral orgasms--I think it's that the nerve endings for most women are in their clitoris, not their vagina.

Contrary to what most people think, the vagina is not an inverted penis--not even CLOSE--as far as nerve endings go.

Let's put it this way: Would you be able to have an orgasm ONLY from stimulation of your inner thigh, with no touching in any way, shape or form to your penis? Especially if the stimulation was just stroking up and down on the same spot, getting harder or softer occasionally, but ONLY touching your inner thigh?

Well, some men may be able to, but MOST are going to need that stimulation to their penis to reach orgasm. Same goes with women---SOME are going to be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration, but MOST need some clitoral stimulation.

erik99615 · Oct 27, 2008, 12:23 PM

First of all, thanks to each of you. I was vague in the details, cause I didn't know this site...

First of all My Girlfriend, Maya, claims to never have climaxed, on her own or with another partner. She admits to Masturbation, and excepts it as natural. As for me, it is something of an (unhealthy?) obsession to bring my partner to climax. I understand that this is something that will should take homework, to learn each others body.

A little History: my last girlfriend and I spent the better part of 2 years perfecting mutual sensation, to the point, where I needed to feel her nearing climax before I could . (And for the record, for the last few months of that doomed relationship, we reached mutual climax most of the time together. This literally took years of practice) I assume that after so much sex, I needed something else.

Now on to Maya, which is a much healthier relationship, in which we are working on our more than 3 years of out of this world sex. The relationship started with sex, where for many months we sacrificed sleep cause we were so into each other and the sex was so amazing. I have brought up the issue with her, though not in some time, cause I knew that it would be unhealthy to push her body towards something she cannot control. She is not too comfortable getting really kinky, and I do not fully believe that she is 100% receptive towards different things (yes I've worked on oral, which I know that she enjoys. Also, we stimulate her in every position our bodies can corkscrew into during intercourse). I know she is willing to try. She has done her own Internet search, and she even bought a book on the "G Spot."

Maya has a tough time communicating on personal issues. For all my misgivings, I am very attentive to the one I love, but I also know that bringing up sensitive issues will cause emotions to flood. I have asked her if anything bad has ever happened to her sexually. Other than an Uncle exposing himself, later in her adult life, while traumatizing, nothing that should affect her now. Yes, she did cheat on me, but it was very early on in our relationship, and I saw that in her right away. She is way to sensitive, and loves me too much to have anything else like that on her conscience. I hold nothing against her for something that happened early in our relationship.

So I feel very vulnerable now, that I have exposed so much private information, so I hope I'm talking to professionals.

Thank you,

PS - we are 28/30 respectively.

aaj2008 · Oct 27, 2008, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

I don't think it's that women are 'too used to' clitoral orgasms--I think it's that the nerve endings for most women are in their clitoris, not their vagina.

Contrary to what most people think, the vagina is not an inverted penis--not even CLOSE--as far as nerve endings go.

Let's put it this way: Would you be able to have an orgasm ONLY from stimulation of your inner thigh, with no touching in any way, shape or form to your penis? Especially if the stimulation was just stroking up and down on the exact same spot, getting harder or softer occasionally, but ONLY touching your inner thigh?

Well, some men may be able to, but MOST are going to need that stimulation to their penis to reach orgasm. Same goes with women---SOME are going to be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration, but MOST need some clitoral stimulation.

... not even close to the nerve endings?? The whole wall of the vagina is covered with nerves... hence why it feels good to put things in it... there is a clump of nerve ending one to two inches inside a woman called the g spot which actually gives a woman an extreme orgasm more powerful than a mans... A woman is more complex than a man... she does not just have to play with herself or whatever to have an orgasm... she has to be in a special kind of place in her brain... its more complex than I really need to be explaining to you... if you want to look it up... I would suggest psychology websites... learn how a female brain works...

Synnen · Oct 27, 2008, 12:36 PM

I agree that the most erogenous zone for anyone--male OR female--is the brain.

I'm ALSO saying that there are nowhere near as many nerve endings IN the vagina as there are in the clitoris.

And considering that I AM female, I'd like to think I know how my brain works--and I'm betting that because of that I can interpolate how OTHER female brains work.

Look--I'm lucky enough to be able to have BOTH kinds of orgasms (vaginal and clitoral) I've also been able to make myself orgasm by using my mind (difficult, though, because the circumstances require absolutely NO distractions).

As far as the g-spot goes--it isn't the same for every woman. I don't have the medical journal quotations handy, but suffice to say that for some women, a g-spot orgasm is as impossible as an orgasm from licking her toes (which is possible, I know women who enjoy that sort of thing, but let's be honest: it's not that easy).

So rather than telling me how my (and other women's) brains, clitori, and vaginas work--maybe you should get off your high horse and realize that it's just NOT that easy for most women.

aaj2008 · Oct 27, 2008, 12:44 PM

I know its not that "easy" for women... but to compare a vagina and a penis... lets see... they are actually the same form.. the clitoris of a man is actually his penis... look that one up... Clitoris stimulation is usually the first experienced by a young lady.. she learns to have orgasms this way... vagina orgasms usually if not able to be achieved is because the woman does not know how to have an orgasm... look that one up as well... And just because you are a woman does not mean you know exactly how your brain works... and yes am aware of the fact that a woman can have a mind orgasm... as I said... a woman has to be in a special place in her MIND to have an orgasm... it is more complex than most people think... A man... get hards, rubs the nerves that send signals to the brain until orgasm... For a woman this would probably never ever happen that easy... Thats all I'm saying lady... so don't start getting "pissy" because I am a man talking about the female body and actually half "a" know what I'm talking about

linnealand · Oct 27, 2008, 02:41 PM

Originally Posted by erik99615

So I feel very vulnerable now, that I have exposed so much private information, so I hope I'm talking to professionals.

This site is full of people who, for one reason or another, are here to give advice on things that they may (or may not) know a lot about. Sometimes this system works better than others, but you should feel that you have a good place to let out all of your most private questions without being judged for it.

As for your girlfriend, I think part of the battle is figuring out if this is a purely physical issue, a purely emotional issue, or a combination of both.

No matter what, I think that you can only do damage by placing *too* much emphasis on her orgasm.

I know that you said that she's not into anything "kinky," but what's kinky for one person can be very different from what's "kinky" for another. I think you might have an even better chance at bringing her to orgasm if you brought some really good toys into the bedroom. There are vibrators that are designed to stimulate everything inside and everything outside... and if you're there as the emotional part, well, she might not stand a chance at holding it together. :)

As for the cheating thing, while painful, I don't think it has anything to do with her climaxing or not... if your relationship is in a good place now, that's the important part.

Let us know how things go. :)

p. s. if you get the toys, don't buy the cheap ones. They can be made with chemicals or can break easily. I have heard that Vibratex makes some good ones (their rabbit pearl was made famous by Sex and the City). You can even see some at work (I mean on their own, silly) on YouTube.com.

EbonieBarbie · Oct 27, 2008, 03:58 PM

I too like her have never had an orgasm. I am 24 and it sucks. I want to have one so... bad. I don't think it is fair that I should have to miss out on it. I have tried using toy, maturbation, oral, and vaginal sex. It just does not work. I don't jknow what to do. I try to relax and go to this "place" people say go to, but it does not work. I think there must be something wrong. I have talked to doctors and still no answers. I wish her the best of luck. I hope you all figure it out!

Alty · Oct 27, 2008, 05:44 PM

The most important thing in any relationship is communication, if you cannot discuss things with each other then you're on a one way path to destruction.

I know that you said she doesn't like to talk about these things, or that she will get emotional, but you are concerned enough about this to ask for advice, so keeping this bottled in isn't healthy for either one of you.

If she has never been able to bring herself to orgasm then you're going to have a difficult time getting her there. She needs to learn her own body, figure out what works for her, and then lead you in that direction.

Rarely do I ever have an orgasm during sex, it's usually before due to manual stimulation or oral sex. I do find it easier to reach orgasm when I'm on top, that way I control the movement and positioning, also, I know exactly where I want contact and I can make sure that I get it. It doesn't always happen, but yes, it's amazing when it does.

I understand why you feel the need for this, but some goals are unattainable, to base everything on an orgasm isn't healthy.

Play, have fun, touch and feel, kiss and stroke, talk and just have fun with each other. If she orgasms, great, if not, it's not a failure, especially if you love each other.

Whatever is on your mind, feel free to tell us, we're all anonomous here (not me so much, I've pretty much told everything about myself, heck, my social insurance number might even be on this site ;)) and we are here to help. If we don't have a solution we'll try to find one or direct you to someone who can help.

Good luck. :)

Choux · Oct 28, 2008, 03:21 PM

Eric, Maya is a 28 year old woman who has never had an orgasm, if I read you correctly. You want to have her follow your script of how sexual intercourse should be from your viewpoint.

I have a bad feeling about this... there is lack of spontaniety... have you ever thought about this from your viewpoint?

YOu might be with the wrong kind of woman for you sexually... a fully orgasmic woman would be a good partner for you at age 30. Then, you wouldn't have to be so controlling.

This is just my opinion.

Very best wishes to you, :)

Alty · Oct 28, 2008, 03:54 PM

Choux, I have to disagree. I don't think he's controlling at all, just concerned.

If you love someone then orgasms aren't the top priority in your life. From what the OP said they have a good sex life, he just feels that it would be better with mutual orgasm. No doubt it would be, but this might be an unattainable goal.

To tell him that he needs another women, well, only if sex is the most important thing in a relationship, which I don't think it is.

erik99615 · Oct 28, 2008, 10:14 PM

Thank you Altenweg. I am on here cause I'm trying to learn for myself, and not bring this to her until I can speak more intelligently.

And again, we have a very healthy sex life, but after 5 years, I'm just looking for a little something that we both desire. Maya is way more to me than sex. I've had plenty of meaningless sex, and this means so much more than anything up to this point.

PS. She is 30, I'm 28

Alty · Oct 29, 2008, 08:12 AM

Erik, I know it's a hard subject to discuss with your partner, you're afraid that she'll think that you aren't satisfied with your sex life.

I think the best way to bring this up is to tell her that it's her, not you, that you are concerned about. Tell her that you just want to make sex good for her, but that it's already great for you. Make sure she knows that you love her very much, and that this is not the most important thing, not a deal breaker.

Unless you two talk about this and find ways to work on it together, I don't think that you'll find a solution.

It's her body, you cannot hope to understand it if she herself doesn't.

Perhaps it's time to look for a few books on the female orgasm, the female body and how it works. Don't go online, most of that info isn't accurate. Go to the store together, have fun picking out a few books, have fun reading them together, experiment, but make it fun, not a goal that you have to reach.

I hope that it all works out. I wish I could tell you, touch here, lick there, grab here and she'll have a mind blowing orgasm, but it simply isn't that easy. Every women is different, some go through their entire lives never experiencing an orgasm. If you can live with that possibility, then everything should work out just fine, just remember to communicate, that's much more important than an orgasm. :)