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EbonieBarbie · Oct 22, 2008, 07:22 PM

Ok here is the deal. I am married to my husband for 14 months now. We have not seen each other since the wedding day. This is because he got busted cheating. Well I could not get past it so we did not speak for 6 months. I filed for an annulment and had a court date of the 27th of this current month. I cancelled it due to religious reasons. We are trying to make it work but have not been getting along well. He is trying and I am trying but we just do not seem to be compatible. The question is why did we marry? Well we married and that is all you need to know. I love him and he has a really hard time expressing his feelings to me but he says he loves me and wants to make this work. I do too. He lives in Los Angeles, California and I live in Texas. I want to eventually be together but hate L.A. I am willing to compromise but don't think I am ready to live with him. Might sound crazy but it is true. I just want to know, how do I make this work without having to give up on my life here? How do I know if it is the right move to go there? Can this work if I don't go there? Should I count my losses and just move on with my life? I can't seem to get past the cheating and sometimes I resent him. We have so much friction in this and it kills me.

rockit87 · Oct 22, 2008, 07:30 PM

I guess I don't know the entirety of your situation, but to stay in the marriage only because of religious reasons seems irrational. You can't change a man, and if you don't get along and these problems are already present this early on that isn't a good sign. Also, I say once a cheater always a cheater. How are you so sure he's staying faithful out there in LA? It would just be a shame if you gave up your life to move to a place you hated to be with a man that is less than you deserve. Just make sure this is what you really want, because although you may love him he might just be the wrong person for you and although that is painful and unfortunate you have to accept it and move on. Life is too short to be unhappy and regretful. There are millions of people in the world, you should be able to find an honest person who is very open about their feelings and treats you the way you deserve. Let's face it, will you ever trust him again?

EbonieBarbie · Oct 22, 2008, 07:38 PM

You make some valid points. I thought about all of this. I prayed to God and I feel that he told me to stay. I might not know the reason now but he gives me stregnth and answers all the time. Most people cannot understand that God has bigger plans for us. I know I deserve better. I am not sure If I will ever trust him again, but I will try. I do have a son that is 4 years old that I need to consider as well. I try to put him first and if I am not happy neither is he. I do not believe that he should suffer because of my choice. I think I will give it another year and see where it goes. If not we will just have to be separated. I cannot divorce as I do not believe in divorce. I know this may not make sense to people but it is what it is and I want to make the best of it. By the way he is 36 and I am 24. This maybe alot of why we do not see eye to eye. Also he is French from France and I am half french american. He has differnet culture and values becaue he is European and my american values are stupid as he says. It is so complicated.

Originally Posted by rockit87

I guess I don't know the entirety of your situation, but to stay in the marriage only because of religious reasons seems irrational. You can't change a man, and if you don't get along and these problems are already present this early on that isn't a good sign. Also, I say once a cheater always a cheater. How are you so sure he's staying faithful out there in LA? It would just be a shame if you gave up your life to move to a place you hated to be with a man that is less than you deserve. Just make sure this is what you really want, because although you may love him he might just be the wrong person for you and although that is painful and unfortunate you have to accept it and move on. Life is too short to be unhappy and regretful. There are millions of people in the world, you should be able to find an honest person who is very open about their feelings and treats you the way you deserve. Let's face it, will you ever trust him again?

talaniman · Oct 23, 2008, 09:52 AM

Well we married and that is all you need to know.

No its not, more info is needed, to make a reasonable opinion.

he is European and my american values are stupid as he says. It is so complicated.

This isn't complicated as you both made a mistake, and are not compatible. Correcting that mistake is against your religion, so keep being miserable.

We have not seen each other since the wedding day. This is because he got busted cheating.

EXPLAIN PLEASE

You don't give a lot of good information, but how does your religion handle a cheater you really don't want to be with, and how long did you date before marriage?

talaniman · Oct 23, 2008, 10:07 AM

From another thread.

My husband actually cheated the whole time and I found out on the day we got married abnout the other woman because she confronted both of us. We have been married just over a year and have not seen each other but have communicated. We have not had sex since we were married because I cannot get past the cheating

Get a trained third party to guide you thru this.

EbonieBarbie · Oct 23, 2008, 10:41 AM

You could have kept you crappy opinions to yourself. Next time just keep on moving because you are wquite the jerk. I did not come on here for you to make silly comments so I would appreciate if you no longer responded. Thanks!

Originally Posted by talaniman

No its not, more info is needed, to make a reasonable opinion.

This isn't complicated as you both made a mistake, and are not compatible. Correcting that mistake is against your religion, so keep being miserable.

EXPLAIN PLEASE

You don't give a lot of good information, but how does your religion handle a cheater you really don't want to be with, and how long did you date before marriage?

talaniman · Oct 23, 2008, 11:23 AM

I take that to mean no more information is forthcoming?

EbonieBarbie · Oct 23, 2008, 11:27 AM

I have no problem giving information but not to a rude person. It is okay to state your opinion but at least have some tact. I will no longer respond to you after this message. I would appreciate if you would not comment further. Thank you!

Originally Posted by talaniman

I take that to mean no more information is forthcoming?

talaniman · Oct 23, 2008, 12:28 PM

Sorry it doesn't work that way, because as you can see, whether you respond, or not, is irrelevant to me, as you set the tone with this,
Well we married and that is all you need to know.
Sorry to be rude, but that's certainly the way you came across to me, your Highness.

EbonieBarbie · Oct 28, 2008, 07:38 PM

I have great news. Things have turned and my marriage is going in a good direction. I am happy and I could not have done it without Christ. Thank you Jesus!:)

JBeaucaire · Oct 28, 2008, 08:17 PM

Originally Posted by EbonieBarbie

I have great news. Things have turned and my marriage is going in a good direction. I am happy and I could not have done it without Christ. Thank you Jesus!:)

That was always true. I'm glad it's come home to help. Praise God.

I hope this comes on the spirit of forgiveness, since that is what Jesus would do. You deciding not to divorce was great from a Christian world-view perspective, but it would be pointless if you didn't actually start acting like married people and get together and face the world side-by-side at some point. That's what being married means and what the 'no divorce' religious concepts are for, to keep people in there battling for the win together.

I'm so glad you're heading in that direction. Forgive that man, hold him accountable moving forward whatever that entails, but forgive him nonetheless. That frees your hearts up to accomplish what you originally set out to do, create a loving Christian home.

In our home, our ability to not make mistakes (even big ones) doesn't exist. So our marriage succeeds on the constant spirit of forgiveness God has imbued in our home.

EbonieBarbie · Oct 28, 2008, 09:04 PM

I appreciate your support. It has been a tough journey but I am finally going to move there and be with him even though I do not want to raise my kids there. Life is about choices and a partnership is about compromise. I love him and Chrsit enough to compromise. I am letting God guide my life and not the negative energy of the world. I forgive him because he has forgiven me for my misgivings. Thank you and I hope we can continue to move in the right direction although now we have to work on our child issues.

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

That was always true. I'm glad it's come home to help. Praise God.

I hope this comes on the spirit of forgiveness, since that is what Jesus would do. You deciding not to divorce was great from a Christian world-view perspective, but it would be pointless if you didn't actually start acting like married people and get together and face the world side-by-side at some point. That's what being married means and what the 'no divorce' religious concepts are for, to keep people in there battling for the win together.

I'm so glad you're heading in that direction. Forgive that man, hold him accountable moving forward whatever that entails, but forgive him nonetheless. That frees your hearts up to accomplish what you originally set out to do, create a loving Christian home.

In our home, our ability to not make mistakes (even big ones) doesn't exist. So our marriage succeeds on the constant spirit of forgiveness God has imbued in our home.

asking · Oct 28, 2008, 09:16 PM

It seems understandable that you would have misgivings. I'm not clear why you need to be forgiven for that. It seems to me that you are making all the concessions, in forgiving him and moving away from your home. I do wish you luck however.

EbonieBarbie · Oct 28, 2008, 09:29 PM

I felt the same as you did. All of my friends would agree with you too. I am not going to lie and say that I do not agree at all. I am just trying to do what I feel God is telling me to do. I could be wrong. It is a total risk for me and my son to have to up and leave my precious house I worked so hard to have built when I was 20 to go live with him in an apartment. It alomst feels like intead of going forward, that I am going backwards. At any rate with the cost of living there being so expensive and me not working, there is no way we can afford a house in Los Angeles. I just hope in the end it all works out according to God's paln. I just don't want my 4 year old to get hurt in the process.

Originally Posted by asking

It seems understandable that you would have misgivings. I'm not clear why you need to be forgiven for that. It seems to me that you are making all the concessions, in forgiving him and moving away from your home. I do wish you luck however.

asking · Oct 28, 2008, 09:50 PM

It is wonderful that you have a house and a job, and I can see why you felt misgivings about leaving those. Can you at least keep your house and rent it out, so you will have some income and a place to go back to should the need arise? I think this would be a fair way to ensure your son's security. God helps those who help themselves, as they say.

JBeaucaire · Oct 28, 2008, 10:07 PM

Larnelle Harris had a top Christian hit called "When Praise Demands a Sacrifice", the chorus being:

When praise demands a sacrifice, I'll worship even then
Surrendering the dearest things in life
And if devotion costs me all
He'll find me faithful to His call
When praise demands a sacrifice

God hears the words of praise we lift
Yet I have found
He's honored more by what
I'm willing to lay down
==========

Setting aside pride and the need to be right or have your way is the cornerstone of every successful household, Christian or not. You're on a noble path and one way or another you will be reap a reward greater than your own personal goals could/would appreciate.

EbonieBarbie · Oct 29, 2008, 02:27 AM

Although I have never heard this song I think that it is beautiful. I think the hardest thing to do when you are living is to live the will of God. I know that if I had not prayed about it, I would have been gone and never looked back because there are no positive memories. Although it may appear illogical for me to stay with my husband, I know that it is beyond me. I tell my husband that I know that God has me with him for a purpose and I may not undesrtand it now but I will when the time comes. I think something is going to require me to love him more than ever. No matter how cruel he may have been in his actions toward me, my love still grew for him. This is not my will but the will of something higher. Thank you.

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Larnelle Harris had a top Christian hit called "When Praise Demands a Sacrifice", the chorus being:

When praise demands a sacrifice, I’ll worship even then
Surrendering the dearest things in life
And if devotion costs me all
He'll find me faithful to His call
When praise demands a sacrifice

God hears the words of praise we lift
Yet I have found
He's honored more by what
I’m willing to lay down
==========

Setting aside pride and the need to be right or have your way is the cornerstone of every successful household, Christian or not. You're on a noble path and one way or another you will be reap a reward greater than your own personal goals could/would appreciate.

asking · Oct 29, 2008, 10:34 AM

1. I think there's a difference between two parties both making sacrifices for a relationship versus only one person doing it.

2. I think there's a difference between making personal sacrifices and sacrificing the security of a child.

EbonieBarbie · Oct 29, 2008, 11:24 AM

Originally Posted by asking

1. I think there's a difference between two parties both making sacrifices for a relationship versus only one person doing it.

Agreed. I think that there should be some sacrifices made by him as well. These are things that we should discuss.

2. I think there's a difference between making personal sacrifices and sacrificing the security of a child.

Again I agree. It is not like I am sacrificing my child's security because I am also protecting myself in the process at least financially so that if I have to leave for any reason, we can afford to do so. I would NEVER put my child at risk.