[loove_ex2gsr]

I don't know if I'm posting this in the right forum...
Okay so I'm going to try to keep this short and bless all of you who read this whole thing, I know you don't know anything about my life but I'm just wanting to get some different viewpoints on this choice that me and my boyfriend are being faced with.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for four years now, we are both around 20 years old. I'm in college right now for nursing (after I get my 4 year bachelors I'm getting my masters and eventually my NP in pediatrics :)) He is in college for criminal justice. We both have decent paying jobs, he's working as a fingerprint tech for a police office making close to 16 dollars an hour, I'm making 15 dollars an hour at my job.

We both want children, when we first started talking about children we agreed to have children after we graduate. It would be very difficult to both go to school and have children to take care of, I am aware that kids are a huge responsibility. My mom wants us to wait until we graduate as well to have children, she had an aweful first marriage and doesn't want to see her daughter make any of the same mistakes she did. However now that this situation is closing in on us I'm not sure what her viewpoints are anymore.

My boyfriends dad is 64 years old (my boyfriend was an unplanned pregnancy, so both of his parents are older :p). Kyle (my boyfriend)'s father has alzheimers, and its getting pretty bad. He is still physically doing okay (not nearly as good as he was four years ago, but good for his situation), his mind is leaving him, and fast. Its so difficult to see him trying to do the most simple things, and having the hardest time with them. Also, hearing him talk and not being able to say what he wants to because he can't think of the words to use must be so frustrating for him, but he is such a strong person and I respect him more than anything. Kyles worst fear is that his dad won't ever get to see his children, or remember them for that matter. Both kyles brother and sister have had children, and I think that this makes it even harder for him.

On top of that, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. I still have 2 1/2 more years for my bachelors, and I'm afraid to wait that long as well. I want my father to be able to see his grandkids as a part of his life. I'm just so scared. I don't know what to do. I know that I need to think about our lives as well, but I want my children to be a part of my father and my future father-in-laws lives before its too late. Do we re-consider having children until after we graduate? I have been faced with difficult decisions before, but I'm scared of making the wrong one and don't really know where else to turn right now.

Any opinions? Anything would be appreciated.Thank you so much for reading this.
:(

-------------
PS - finnancially we WOULD be able to support children, this has been a thought for me as well, and it would be possible. If we were unable, I would not even consider it. I know that is a big point.

[Wondergirl]

This is a major life-changing question in front of you. I don't envy you in the slightest.

It would take at least a year to produce a baby. How much enjoying and relating to an infant would either of them do?--holding, looking at, smiling at, or just knowing you've had a baby? Would any of those be enough to satisfy you? It doesn't sound like either father would be well enough in a year or more to become very involved with a baby.

Say you get pregnant, have a baby, and both men for whatever reason are too ill or have even died. Then what about your career plans?

Is your need to have a baby more about you than about your father and father-on-law? I get the feeling you want a baby in order to prove something to them, not because the time is right to have a child.

If I were in your shoes, I am not sure what I would do, but I'm guessing my head would tell me to override my heart and keep going with the career development.

[loove_ex2gsr]

That's a good point of view to think about, thank you.

[DoulaLC]

My first inclination is to follow my heart, but that often gets me into trouble... :) I agree with Wondergirl. You may become pregnant right away, but it would still be 9 months or so before baby would arrive. Odds are it would take you longer to conceive in the first place.

While I fully understand the desire to have them be a part of your child's life, what do you think THEY would want for you and your boyfriend? My guess is that they would love to see a grandchild, but they would also be realistic and know that it would likely be so much better for your lives to wait as planned.

Parents want what is best for their children, even if it means giving up something for themselves. That is part of what parenting is... :) I bet they are very pleased and proud of the direction you are taking your lives right now.

[dontknownuthin]

It's a very personal choice but this is what I would do in your situation:

- Instead of having a baby, pour your nurturing instincts into these two famiy members who are at the end of their lives. Care for your fathers.

- If you are truly committed to one another consider the possibility of including them in your wedding instead of your children's births. If they are like most fathers, they would rather you do things in order and marry before you have children. If you are not ready for marriage, you aren't ready for children.

- Money is not very romantic but it sure can trash a family situation, so make sure you have very solid savings before you have children. Could you afford $700 a month out of your salary just to extend your health insurance to cover your baby and for daycare? You can count on spending at least that much on just those two items. Price it out - formula, diapers, clothing (everything replaced several times a year for several years). If you don't have a washer and dryer, laundry for a baby could about bankrupt you. Your hourly wages are good but could be much higher with your educations finished.

- I would consider making it a goal to buy a house before you have children. Incentives now are fantastic, and while it's a challenge to come up with a downpayment, doing so together is a good test of how well you can commit to financial goals and working together for your family. And once you have the downpayment together, you will find that mortgage payments are lower than rent, and there are great tax benefits as well.

It must be very hard to be losing your parents, and to lose some of your dreams for the future. I can't imagine. But I think in the long run, your children would not have enough opportunity to get to know their grandfathers, or grow old enough to remember them. But they can benefit and remember what you provide them as parents, so make sure that is rock solid.

Best wishes to you!