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desparate wife · Sep 25, 2008, 08:09 AM

I have been happily married for 10 years, have had a healthy sex life. Now I have noticed that my husband is watching porn on the internet. I talked to him about it and he lied about it then after he finally admitted to it he said that it is nothing he just likes to look. Since then he has changed our sexual routine and this doesn't bother me but I have noticed he still goes online while I am not at home, and now has just gotten wiser and deletes the history but forgets to delete the browser. I told him that this hurts me and I was willing to change things in our bedroom but still nothing... he still continues, says there is nothing wrong with our sex life. He masterbates after looking at it and now doesn't want sex until the next day Why? Is there something wrong with me? He says there isn't but why does this bother me so much and why does he keep lying about it? I feel like he is cheating on me with other women.

smoothy · Sep 25, 2008, 10:08 AM

Perhaps it might be the tone you used when you told him about your dislike, perhaps you were harsh in it when you did it. Guys are visual, we like to look at a naked women or women. It has nothing to do with our girlfriends or spouse. It has nothing to do with love. Don't think that it does. That's a mistake many women make.

What will make it personal is a woman that starts demanding what we will and will not do. We are adults. If we want to watch a ball game or look at a little porn its our right. Now notice I did not say chat with the ladies online or go flirting with women. That's a whole different ballgame there.

iDish · Sep 27, 2008, 05:41 AM

It's normal to feel this way. You think that porn is cutting in on your quality time with your husband and ruining your intimacy. I bet you that if he looked at porn and got so excited that he had to have sex with YOU right then and there because he was so hot for you, you wouldn't mind it one bit. You're a little jealous because something else has caught your husbands eye. Don't be. They are pictures. He should be able to look at it as much as he likes. But make sure to keep him in check with it. Meaning, make sure he doesn't put porn 'ahead' of his own sex life. Make sure that intimacy between you and him doesn't go away over time. Make sure he doesn't make time for porn but not you. As long as he doesn't go overboard then that's fine. As long as he's not chatting with other women online or on dating sites, you're fine.

If it still bothers you then make him want you more than the porn. Think about it. What does porn have that you don't have? Maybe the women he's looking at are in shape. So get into shape. Wear a little make-up. Get your hair done. Take pride in your clothes. Keep a few skimpy pieces of lingerie at the back of your dresser that you only take out for special occasions. And makes she he 'accidently' sees you put them back there. Pretty soon he'll start thinking "Dam. My wife is hot. I wish she'd put on that lacy black little thing I saw her buy the other day. Man that would be hot." Pretty soon he'll start to seek you out. He'll initiate intimacy. "Hey babe. I couldn't help but notice those sexy panties you're wearing. Can I get a better look?" Make things exciting. But at the same time, make sure you aren't making it obvious that you want to rekindle the sensuality between you two. Be 'naturally' and 'unwittingly' sexy. When he 'notices' your sexy outfits, say "Oh this little thing? Oh it's nothing interesting. I got a Victoria Secret gift card from my friend and just got it for fun. Why? Do you like?" Flirt with him.

Pictures are pictures but there are some things that even a picture can't satisfy. He can't touch the woman in the picture. He can't pull the panties off the woman in the picture. He can't kiss the woman in the picture. He can't lust over a woman in a picture and have her lust back. Giiiirl, you better make it to where he becomes bored of porn. "So what? It's a naked woman. But my wife does this thing where she comes and nips my ear from behind when she says hello. And she's gotten in such great shape. Dang, I want to F her right now."

hollylovesbrandon · Sep 27, 2008, 07:00 AM

I think both of these are good advice!

Fr_Chuck · Sep 27, 2008, 07:37 AM

Why not put a porn blocker on the computer, that way, he can not look at it, without your permission and secret pass word.

talaniman · Sep 27, 2008, 07:41 AM

Its not the porn that's the issue, it's the lack of recognizing, and doing nothing about your feelings, that's the real issue.

It has become a problem, just because it takes away for the YOUR time that you have had. Worse his inability to change his behavior, has you thinking its your fault.

Know for sure that its his actions, and inactions, that are making you insecure, and there is something you can do about it, other than turning the blame on yourself.

First don't take the blame, and tell him honestly how you feel, and if he can't respect that, he sleeps on the couch, and is on his way out the door. Make him know you mean what you say, and will follow up on it.

This empowers you, and puts the blame where it belongs. Ball in his court, and its up to him what he does about it.

As in any addiction (and make no mistake, thats exactly what it is and is progressing ), when it causes a problem in your life, and continues to feed that addiction, it must be addressed with some very strong aggressive tactic. To do nothing, and allow this behavior will only make it worse.

I get that you don't mind the porn, as long as its put in its proper place, and perspective, but his behavior has been adversely affected.

Stand up for yourself, and defend yourself, until he wants to change, or leave.

Questions??

iDish · Sep 27, 2008, 07:58 AM

I'm sorry I don't agree. This man has done nothing wrong but take an interest in something innocent that leaves his wife feeling a certain way. If it were Golf and not porn and he spend a few hours out of the week playing, would you make him stop? Just because he doesn't spend as much time around you as you'd like? It sucks that you feel insecure you have no reason to feel that way. So he likes naked women. So what? He likes pictures of naked women but he MARRIED you. And he's not trading you in for porn. He's simply adding porn into his life. And there is nothing wrong with that because he like porn. I admit, he shouldn't have lied about the porn and tried to hide it. That makes him look bad. But you need to look at yourself and ask yourself why you feel so uneasy and threatened by a few pixels.

talaniman · Sep 27, 2008, 09:21 AM

It wouldn't matter if it was golf, or anything else, when there is a problem healthy partners resove it together thru honest communications, and the willingness to work together.

Yes it is wrong, to completely ignore your partners feelings.

talaniman · Sep 27, 2008, 09:24 AM

I told him that this hurts me and I was willing to change things in our bedroom but still nothing...he still continues, says there is nothing wrong with our sex life.

That is denial!!

iDish · Sep 27, 2008, 09:56 AM

Through honest communications, and the willingness to work together.

That is what you said. Yet all you are doing is telling this woman that he's wrong and that HE needs to change. You have no once told this woman to look inside herself and wonder why this REALLY bothers her. You haven't told her to take a compromising route. All you've said is that, since she's the one with the hurt feelings, HE'S got to change, regardless of why she has the feelings. The man should respect her feelings but she needs to do her part and not tell her husband to stop doing something harmless because she has a problem with it. Both should try to find a common ground. You keep portraying this idea:

"I don't like it so he needs to stop it. And if he doesn't he's outta here."

That is just not a healthy way to deal with problems in a relationship.

h0llister · Sep 27, 2008, 10:22 AM

Almost every guy looks at porn, if porn was so amazing and the best, then no guy would ever get into a relationship. Clearly us Women are the best.. hehe anyway why not try watching porn together?

talaniman · Sep 27, 2008, 03:48 PM

That is just not a healthy way to deal with problems in a relationship.

I have given my reasons behind my advice, and you have given yours, so the OP has the choice to make based on her being there.

I figure my opinion, is as good as yours, so what the debate about?
Read the rules for giving disagreements, please.

Synnen · Sep 28, 2008, 11:46 AM

If my husband would rather play golf than have sex with me, you can bet your sweet booty that he'd be in as much trouble for that as for porn.

If it is affecting their relationship, it is a problem, and needs to be worked on together.

Synnen · Oct 1, 2008, 10:28 AM

Amazing disagree, there.

I don't drop everything for my spouse, but should something I do affect our relationship, I would expect reasonable compromise, and I'd expect the same from him.

Then again, there aren't TRUST issues or SELF-ESTEEM issues in our marriage, either. I believe that ALL marriages are made of compromise--and that includes BOTH sides coming to an agreement on a problem issue, whether the problem is porn, strip clubs, golf, church, or tap dance classes--if it's a problem in the marriage, then it's a problem for BOTH parties.

Synnen · Oct 1, 2008, 10:57 AM

Oh lord---the machoism is out in force today.

Look, I have a great marriage, a great sex life, and have no issues whatsoever with porn.

Those disagreeing with me must be young enough that they still expect their girlfriends to bring them a beer and kneel while they watch football, or something. Guess what, guys? Most women are smart enough to grow out of that and kick you to the curb.

I'm not a feminist--I just don't like idiots in general.

smoothy · Oct 1, 2008, 11:19 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Oh lord---the machoism is out in force today.

Look, I have a great marriage, a great sex life, and have no issues whatsoever with porn.

Those disagreeing with me must be young enough that they still expect their girlfriends to bring them a beer and kneel while they watch football, or something. Guess what, guys? Most women are smart enough to grow out of that and kick you to the curb.

I'm not a feminist--I just don't like idiots in general.

Same here... I never demanded my wife nor do I expect her to fetch me a drink... but she does sometimes as well as do I for her if I'm going upstairs to the kitchen.

She doesn't give a hoot if I watch porn and sometimes joins when when I do.

Choux · Oct 1, 2008, 11:21 AM

Dear deperate,

Men don't like to be questioned about their activities! Neither do women!! We all need private space unavailable to a wife or partner. Don't be so intrusive.

Lots of women don't understand that they have to make meaning in their lives apart from deriving it from their partner.

I think of this song when I read so many of the posts here:

"Every breath you take, I'll be watching you"!

A woman needs to direct her energy into positive activities that make her happy and interesting. When there are problems with the sex life, there are more serious individual and relationship problems. A woman always has to be developing her self-conficence throughout life.

Best wishes to you going forward, :)

hollylovesbrandon · Oct 1, 2008, 06:35 PM

I think Claire Huxtable said it best...
"lemme tell you something Elvin, I do not serve him ok! I am going to bring him a cup of coffee just like he brought me a cup of coffee this morning. And if you don't straighten up and realize your actions...no ones gonna be bringing you anything, anywhere, anytime, ever...OK?"

Or something to that affect. I think that says it all. In a relationship, there is compromise, give and take. Without it it will not survive.

He needs to work on it as much as you, if he doesn't want to work on it... then leave... maybe you'll scare some sense into him.

eriknugent · Oct 1, 2008, 07:00 PM

Try being spontaneous and try new things and the bed room maybe being a little aggressive and try to show how you appreciate him a little more even if you think you do try a little more. It will get his interest back. Try not to have a set sex routine it gets boring.

Eagle USA · Oct 1, 2008, 07:33 PM

Okay, let me start with saying that you have absolutely nothing to worry about. If he rather masterbate then have sex then that's on him. Do not let it get to you because he does not know who he is watching and the person he is watching does not know who he is. Now if it still gets to you then you have to sit him down and tell him that it hurts you and you can't take him watching another women. He should himself find it in his heart to stop and see what he is doing to his relationship over porn.