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NItEMArE129 · Sep 19, 2008, 08:11 PM

Okay, so I've been with this girl for 3 months. First of all, I want to say, yes, I understand that 3 months is not a long time, but I and many of the people who see us together believe we are truly in love. So to all those critics out there who are going to say 3 months isn't a long time, I understand where your coming from, but please just treat this an exception.

Anyway, my problem is that she just told me that she liked another guy. Now, when I first heard this, I didn't know what to do and was very very sad. Then we got to talking and she didn't give me a very good explanation of why she liked him, but did tell me that she thought she only liked me as a friend.

Now, about half an hour into the conversation, she admitted that she didn't want to hurt me by having me talk to her about this. So instead, we related this incident to one we had before where I was in a similar position, but discovered, through a long looooong talk with her, that I only liked this other girl because she reminded me of a time when I was happier than I had been my entire life. She seemed to believe this was the same issue for her because she thought that this other guy she liked reminded her of a time before we started dating because she had recently been diagnosed with an imbalance of hormones I think? She gave me an explanation relating to hormones, but admitted that she had frequent panic attacks lately which, when I researched it, were possibly results of a large amount of stress from her family. Her parents always expected her to be the best.

Anyway, we didn't have enough time to set this matter to bed for good, but were approaching the topic of if she really liked this guy or not. My course of action was to determine if she really liked him or not and whether it was best to break up. I was just wondering if anybody had any advice for me or if they wanted to tell me if I had done anything wrong. I really love this girl, and I hate to see her sad like this. So please, help! =]

JBeaucaire · Sep 20, 2008, 08:35 PM

I think there are an endless supply of "straws" for you to grasp at to make something that's over keep going in your head.

It's nice that you care about this girl. She's moving on. Regardless of what you think is happening, you should move on, too.

SweetDee · Sep 21, 2008, 07:01 AM

The best move is to be honest with her and just tell her that you want your relationship to last.

Time will tell whether it has staying power or not.

You can never really know what goes on in the minds of other people. You can only relate how you feel and what you need/want for the two of you. You can hope that she's being real when she tells you of her feeling and her wants/needs... however time is the only measurement of love... and the more of it you have the deeper the feelings, (hopefully!).

You're young... 3 months SEEMS like a long relationship.

When you're an adult and you look back upon an old relationship that only lasted 6 months and didn't work out, you say to yourself, "thank God it only last that short a time".

My daughter had a 4 month relationship and she's 16... when it hit the 4th month marker all her friends made such a big deal about it. They were like, "Omg, I can't believe how long you guys have been together!!". She said, "I KNOW, ay?" LOLOLOLOLLLL!

Take it a day at at time right now... and be REAL.

NItEMArE129 · Sep 27, 2008, 05:02 PM

Threads merged
Okay, so my girlfriend is a natural flirt. I didn't know this until after we started going out, and I learned she just naturally flirts with every guy she talks to. What should I do? I mean, should I tolerate it and just accept her for who she is, or should I put my foot down and tell her that it's just not OK with me?

perplexed1 · Sep 28, 2008, 09:34 AM

I went out with a girl for 2.5 years and she was a very big flirt. It all depends on your relationship with each other. We really were in love, so while it bothered me sometimes, I knew it didn't mean anything. There were times where it got annoying and I confronted her about it. For sure, you have to confront her about it. How else will she know what is making you upset? If you don't tell her now, you'll eventually end up letting her know one way or another and it will only be worse then. This is something you need to put out there because she may not know it's bothering you.

xoxaprilwine · Sep 28, 2008, 09:42 AM

Well I guess I will turn it around and say BF or Hubby. It's hurtful, humiliating and extremely inconsiderate and I understand why this would bother you. It may be fun for her and/or maybe she is trying to get you jealous and/or better yet maybe she isn't all that serious about the relationship... or as you said she's just a flirt! Whatever the reason, it really depends on you and what you want out of the relationship or a relationship. What do you define as a happy and constructive relationship? I know I would confront her about it and tell her how it makes you feel. Afterwards maybe see if she changes her approach to other males. (Honestly, it sounds like she has some self-esteem issues to me so careful and gentle in your approach)

NItEMArE129 · Sep 28, 2008, 10:38 AM

Thanks guys, I took your advice and confronted her about it. She said that she doesn't really notice that she does it and she did sound sincere when she apologized for it. She also acknowledges that it hurts me and that she would try to stop. Is that the best I can get?

perplexed1 · Sep 28, 2008, 10:41 AM

That is absolutely the best that could have come out of it. She didn't mean to be hurting you, and she didn't realize it. She is truly sorry. Don't even think of trying to milk this for anything more. Wait and see if she does anything to change it, but for now, be nice, accept her apology and move on. Don't dwell on this and most of all, don't make her feel guilty about it.

ISneezeFunny · Sep 28, 2008, 10:41 AM

Not sure what else you could ask for, right? If someone simply has a flirty nature, it's technically who they are. They can change, sure, but change doesn't happen overnight, and it's especially hard for change to occur when the girl doesn't even realize she's doing it.

I must admit, I'm a pretty big flirt, but my past girlfriends have all accepted it while we were dating.

I've also dated some big flirts, and some not-so-big flirts.

Remember, it's not who she talks to, it's who she goes home with in the end.

NItEMArE129 · Sep 28, 2008, 10:50 AM

Haha that's a great point and thanks for all the help guys.

JBeaucaire · Sep 28, 2008, 03:02 PM

I've been flirty for 30 years. Even in front of my wife, she thinks it's silly, but it's a happy way of giving attention to people without anything coming of it.

You're being uncomfortable with her flirtiness is mostly your problem, unless her flirtiness is downright naughty and sexual. That should be pointed out.

xoxaprilwine · Sep 28, 2008, 03:13 PM

Congratulations, she wasn't aware... maybe it will be better now. She will forget though! :) just nudge her and give her a kiss. I was like that too once upon a time (before we got married) but when my boyfriend turned it around on me I realized how s****y it made me feel and stopped. It's nice that your so supportive and understanding... rare. Some people are just more sensitive then others and everyone is so unique so really just do what's right for you.

spyderglass · Sep 28, 2008, 03:23 PM

I'm a natural flirt myself. My husband knows it-he also knows that however much I flirt, It will never go any further than that.

xoxaprilwine · Sep 28, 2008, 03:54 PM

If your happy then why flirt? Need to feel wanted? Esteem issues? I now know how hurtful it could actually be if someone is "sensitive". It's just an invitation for misunderstanding, I don't do that anymore... especially if you give the wrong impression and the person on the receiving end understands something different... then you have what is called a "stalker" and will be mistaken for a "slut" (even though it is completely innocent. I just think its not classy especially of a lady... my opinion, don't have to like it but wow when the table turned I realized how much it made me feel.

asking · Sep 28, 2008, 03:57 PM

I agree with April.

Some people flirt constantly, some don't. Some people are bothered by it and others aren't. But if someone is, they have a right to say it makes them uncomfortable. I don't think it makes any more sense to dismiss sensitivity about this as insecurity as to say that flirting is all caused by insecurity. That doesn't make anyone feel any better. And you could argue that refusing to put up with it is a sign of good boundaries. Maybe that's a healthy response. But if two people are fine with one another flirting, that's fine by me, as long as they aren't messing up the happiness of other couples.

Whatever the case, couples whose values differ have to find a way to deal with that difference, by talking it over and trying to see if it's something they can work out. I think NIT and his girlfriend handled this really well.

xoxaprilwine · Sep 28, 2008, 03:58 PM

Agreed asking!

NItEMArE129 · Sep 28, 2008, 05:02 PM

Ok guys, I need help again. I found out from very reliable friends that when my girlfriend is with this other guy, she flirts incessantly and as though I don't exist. And its this one specific guy who she also happened to have a crush on and still a little one. What do I do?

xoxaprilwine · Sep 28, 2008, 05:18 PM

I knew something was missing! Well, you talked to her... she apologized and she said that she would try. This is her chance to prove it then right? Don't get overwhelmed... wait and see what happens but don't be afraid to take your position of boyfriend and show some of that handsome radiance that got you with her in the first place! It was a crush... see my husband went through the same ordeal with me I think it was 3 guys in my community that approached me in the same night and asked me out. I thought wow... omg! What do I do? Sure it made me feel wonderful and all but when I thought about it I came back to the idea that I loved my boyfriend and everything he does for me. These guys never noticed me before and what... now that I am involved with someone they all flock? They missed their chance and I was happy so why ruin a good thing... I am married to that boyfriend that I am talking about and don't regret any decisions I made. Give her some trust. I understand your stress but let everything play out because whatever happens... remember there is no coincidence and that everything happens for a reason. I think everyone is under the assumption and understanding that you need to do what's right for you and follow your gut instinct... that is one thing that will never let you down. Trust it and follow it!

spyderglass · Sep 28, 2008, 06:33 PM

I'm happy, it is just my personality. I'm an extrovert. I flirt with old and young, man and woman. Not, kids of course... I flirt with my best friend! I still flirt with my husband, it is so ingrained in my nature that there is no use in changing it. I'm not hurting anybody.

JBeaucaire · Sep 29, 2008, 08:15 AM

You do need to trust her.

You don't need to follow your gut instinct. WAY too many of the stories on this forum stem from "gut instincts" going awry. Gut instinct is not truth, it's an emotional response. In the end, you need to make actual decisions based on what is real, and many emotions aren't exactly "real" in that sense. Gut instincts least of all.

I'm not saying to ignore your instincts, refer to them, of course. But DO NOT be led by them. That's what the old' noggin' is for. Look at what you're doing and how it's affecting things, sometimes our "gut instinct" reactions to things can get exactly the opposite of what we want. That's not good, is it?