[direbro]

A yr and half ago, my wife of 18 yrs had an affair which led to her moving in with her mom for six months. She left my with my two daughters and the home. I asked her to come home and fix it our marriage we went to counsling for a while then stopped. When my wife came home it was very tough my youngest girl 16 treated her bad to be expected we've had problems but stuck together During this time we've had no love life at all,she always says no, final straw was she said she has no desire for me or anyone for that matter. After agonizing for the last year kids are now 18, 19 I met a girl with lots of problems and have been helping her which turned to me cheating on my wife. After just one week I confessed to everything even my kids know they support me. My wife says she to blame for everything she knew I was going to cheat and that maybe things will be right now. We can go to counsling and try. I am so confused and numb. Iam angry she let me do this Although I know it is MY fault I cheated. All I think about is the time I had and the feelings of this other woman. She is a coworker

[Kick277Jen]

You first have to ask yourself if your marriage can be repaired... If the answer is yes, there is a LOT of work to be done since, not only did you cheat on your wife, but she also has previously cheated on you... so, you both not only have that to deal with but, it also seems you both have other personal issues to deal with as well. For example, the woman you had an affair with was dealing with a lot of problems which you said you helped her with, leading you to cheat. You were attracted to her because she made you feel important,appreciated, and needed(things that maybe your wife doesn't make you feel).. . However, I want to make it VERY clear that JUST because your wife was not meeting your needs emotionally or sexually does not give you ANY excuse/reason to cheat on your wife.
Likewise, your wife did not have ANY excuse to cheat on you... her personal issues seem to be she feels worthless since she said she has no desire for you or for anyone. Because she said she doesn't want to be with anyone gives the indication that she might not feel like she can make anyone happy.She is insecure... One of the reasons she might have cheated on you could have been she didn't feel important to you and might have felt a sense of importance from thiis other guy, leading her to cheat... So... when you later cheated on her, she felt even more worthless and unimportant to you.
... So how do you begin to fix this?.
You NEED to make her feel important and appreciated. You need to get her to fully realize you would do ANYTHING to be with her... and... honestly, the MAJOR way to do this is to prove to her you will not keep in contact with this other woman. I have heard of many men, who after they cheat on their wife with a co-worker, leave their job in order to save their marriage. If you get a new job this will prove SO much to your wife. It will prove that you are willing to do anything to save your marriage.
Another thing you need to do is listen to her feelings and what she has to say. Maybe you could ask her... what do you need that I'm not giving you?(and when she answers Don't interrupt her and don't come back with excuses to why you can't or aren't giving her what she says she needs.)
Obviously there are reasons you guys got married in the first place... Try to find again what you have lost. : )

[Kick277Jen]

I realize that this is not the whole story so really other peoples advice can only go so far... However, I am going to say that even though I don't know the whole story, communication is the KEY to a successful marriage. You can't get ANYWHERE unless you are both talking AND listening.

Best of luck!

[DoulaLC]

She may be more willing to work on it now since you are both on a more even playing field. Before, when she was the only one who had cheated, you had the upper hand (so to speak)... she was the guilty party and her refusal to continue counseling and work towards rebuilding the marriage was a form of manipulation... (whether it was conscience or not).

Now, since you have cheated, it resolves a bit of her guilt. Whether you would use her cheating against her or not is beside the point since you are now just as guilty for the same action (the reasons it happened don't really matter other than to avoid the situation in the future). Sometimes couples get into a "my suffering is worse than your suffering" competition.

You are on even footing now and can work together towards rebuilding the trust and love you once had for each other. But this will only come about if you both want it to and you both are willing to go through some more rough times to get there. Unfortunately you have to go through the horrible journey of discovering why things went the direction they did, how to resolve those feelings, wants, and needs, and how to learn from them, let them go, and move passed them to reach the prized destination.

If either one of you can't stomach the journey, might be best to cut your losses and hopefully you both will have learned what not to do in any future relationships.

It's a horribly, painful situation to be in, but it can work... if you are both willing to do the work necessary. I wish you well...

[direbro]

Hiyas and thanks for answers to first question. I tend to shoot from the hip in saying some things as in the question What's right and wrong. My marriage is over I think in my mind. I am going to continue to see this younger woman with problems, which will probably not work out.My wife is very insecure and like me doesn't want to let go. If we divorce we will lose everything we have which is just stuff Our girls our 19 20 know what's going on and is quietly affecting them. We are so bad in debt if one of us lose our job we would lose everything anyway so there is stress there. She sleeps, works different shifts from me. All I do is work Six days a week cause I must and think about this other woman. I cheated because my wife said she had no sexual feelings for me at all and after cheating and leaving I still took her back. I have changed ,I don't know what it is but ikinda what it over I think. This will break her heart. I am so screwd up time is passing and everyone says its my choice I don't even talk to my own family. I just go to work and think about my girlfriend. Our counsler says we on even ground now and looks like we can make marrige work. I love both women. Is it me that makes right and wrong. I have not been in control of my own life in 20 years till now and my first decision to cheat was it so wrong? It was my choice and its not over

[tickle]

You are between a rock and a hard spot my friend. You have to make one decision and one only. You are actually damaging everyone's lifestyle by sitting on the fence. You think of your g/f 24/7 because she offers a respit from thinking about the real issues that are facing you. You actually hiding behind a tree; the tree being your g/f.

You are in debt like everyone else, you are living with your wife and you both really should move to separate worlds; your girls are old enough to understand this. Sure its effecting them, they see a house divided.

Get it over with but first sit down and talk to your wife about it being over and the next step to closure of some kind.

[Fr_Chuck]

First you need to get rid of debt, money issues causes a lot of problem.

Have you considered getting rid of the debt and the "stuff"
Perhaps go bankrupt and get a fresh start.

How about stop seeing other people, and work with the counselor to make your marriage work.

Perhaps change jobs to be on the same shift and make things work.

[JJB1]

I am kind of on the same path/place as you …but I do know this fore sure the G/F isn't helping your decision process or think clearly, your not even sure she will stay with you man I know its hard especially not having any relations for so long but realistically I would recommend breaking it off till you get your situation strait whatever that may be at least your giving it a fair chance then…