[secretgyrl16]

When me and my husband were dating, we used to have sex for hours. It was great and everything was fine. Now that we are married, for some reason it went down. Well I always had issued with getting turned on or getting “in the mood”. For some reason, I don’t want to have sex as often as before. Also, its really hard for me to even get open to want it. I mean my husband doesn’t try to get me in the mood, but when he does, it does nothing to me. But the thing I don't understand is that, if I think of other people or other sexual things, I get turned on and want to do it there. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is attractive and very hot but I just don’t know. I know it mght be lack of sleep but it wasn’t an issue before so why now?? I just want to know how can increase my sex drive? I want to be able to have sex with my husband like I did before. He doesn’t please me mentally or show me any love or affection before the we decided to do it. I don’t know what can I do? Will taking birth control pills help increase me wanting sex?

[MrEasy]

It is normal for sex drive to taper off after the honeymoon is over. However, you have a couple of situations that caught my attention. First, while you say your husband is "attractive and very hot", a few sentences later you state "He doesn’t please me mentally or show me any love or affection before the we decided to do it." Men are visually stimulated and are turned on by what they see. Women are emotional and need that emotional bond to their partner. Sexual desire starts in the mind. Which brings me to the second situation. If he is not giving you the necessary foreplay to stimulate your desire, you can't expect good sex. Remember, men work like microwaves and women more like crockpots. The results the same. It just takes longer.

However, since you can think about other people and get turned on, it is evident that you can develop sexual desire only not with your husband. You have an underlying relationship problem that needs to be dealt with before the physical and sexual problems can be solved. You need to consider marriage counseling.

Regarding birth control, birth control works by causing a hormone imbalance of excessive estrogen. A side effect of excessive estrogen is loss of sex drive, not an increase. Birth control can compound your problem even more.

[justusr]

Secretgyrl6,

First of all forget about birth control pills to increase sex drive.
The problem to solve is within your relationship.
Probably not even physical! – Therefore pills are the wrong approach.
(If you really find it to be physical... which I bet it is not(!) in this case...
Go to find out about "pc muscle". Both, men and women need
Their PC muscle for a sexual power).


Second, there seems to be a deeper going issue between your man and
Yourself. Not described here by now.

I knew women who where dissapointed by their husbands in any way
And then – unconsciously – letting this taking control of their sexuality.
("He let me down, once ... years ago ... in an important situation" is the
Most common thing. Which must not be in your case but COULD be.)


However, you've got to talk to your man, not to a forum concerning this direction.
There seems to be a little more than just your sex-life not being that
Exiting anymore. I bet something else happened in the past, too...
Maybe even before you where a pair... - even maybe some years
Ago...

There's three ways for you:

1) Let this community know what else was or is going on in your
Relationship.
( I do NOT recommend that as a first option! This should be your LAST option.
However, mentioned first for simplicity.)

2) Talk to your husband about that.
And then go deeper than you did here! I bet there's something else
Going on apart from pure 'sexual' issues.

3) Maybe it is a solution for you to get other man and / or women into
Your sex-life. – It's 2008... this CAN be normal if you and your husband
Wish to.
... And most man really wish to have more than one woman in bed or
Any kind of other sexual exitement. – ... If you're able to talk to him that
Way, try that. – ... If you're not you've reached point 1) or 2) again!


Best
Justus

[Synnen]

MOST of this is probably mental. I don't recommend asking someone to join you in the bedroom when you're already having issues--that will just make things WORSE.

Are you stressed? Have circumstances in your lives changed since you were first together? Kids? Parents? Whatever?

It's VERY difficult for most women to flip a switch and change from housewife to mother to career woman to sex siren. It just doesn't happen. You have to MAKE the effort for it to happen, and sometimes women can just be too exhausted to even try.

Have you tried date nights? Do you still do the same out of the home activities together that you did when you DID have a sex drive?

[Choux]

Your sex drive is between your ears... so you have to come to terms with what is eating at you and spoiling you sexual responsiveness.

Birth control pills helped me relax and not worry about getting pregnant... it freed me from worry, and marriage freed me to explore my deep down sexuality. :)

It is important to take responsibility for your own pleasure and be sexually aggressive and get the orgasms that you want. :D

Best wishes,

[ConfusedInAK]

I have this problem too... and the only time I think about sex is... when I think about the fact that I DON'T think about it LOL

Something that has helped recently though is giving him unspoken direction...

Every time he kissed me he was in such a rush it actually turned me off BIG TIME... actually everything always seemed to be in a hurry (no not talking about that)... but touching, kissing everything... it just really turned me off.

Then again I also get irritated with the fact that everything he has to say to me is pretty much sexual. It's like living with a high schooler some times.

I don't get texts that say I LOVE YOU... I get texts that say LET'S GET IT ON...

There isn't any romance so to speak, and I get no help with anything around the house and I'm sorry but at 11pm at night... I REALLY DO want to go to bed and sleeeeeep ;)

I thought having my tubes tied would eliminate the dread of getting pregnant (we have 4 kids... I'm good with 4... no more)... but that didn't help either. Thought it was hormonal (since my body has changed so much) so I went through a slew of tests all came back negative. I've decided my lack of desire has to do with my irritation with him...

I have found a bottle of wine helps though LOL