[Tralyn]

This is going to take some explaining.. please read and share your opinion, I really need it.

I have a couple of friends, Amy and Phil, I have known them for about 3 years now. I was having a conversation with my colleague a couple of years ago about infedility situations, cheating in general. Phil was there during this conversation. I went on to openly state my opinion about cheating, that no matter what, I would want to know if I was cheated on. My colleague went on to say that she wouldn't , that if she had been with somebody for 13+ years and that somebody had cheated on her one night she wouldn't want to know. She went on to say that he would be selfish in telling her about his one night of guilt and how dare he ruin what they had over that one evening. I was astonished. I said you have to be kidding me... that could set the precedence for all the years to come, based on hidden secrets and lies. No matter what I would want to know! She adamantly said no way - only if it happened again, then she would want to know. So, I looked at Phil and asked him what he thought, his face was down and he just shook his head, "I don't know", he said - and shrugged his shoulders. Seemed odd.

I went home and told my boyfriend all about this, couldn't believe what my colleagues opinion was, thought it was a bunch of crap to be honest. A short time after that I was at Amy's home for a girl's night.. just me and her. Phil was out with the guys. We spoke a lot that evening, about our pasts, our lives, what makes us who we are. In short, we really bonded. She shared with me insecurities and I shared with her the same. She shared with me the fact that right after marrying Phil she was convinced he was cheating on her, to the point she moved out and felt like she was going crazy. Nothing ever came of it and it bothered her so... still - it bothered her. During that time she had stayed with my colleague - who happens to be her best friend.

When I went home I told my boyfriend of my conversation with Amy. (I need to make something clear here, Amy is my boyfriend's cousin - and Phil is my boyfriend's best friend). We were at the river, fishing and just conversating. That came up along with a secret I knew about another friend that I wanted to share with my boyfriend. I told him that I thought it was really strange how when I had that conversation some time before with my colleague she was soooo defensive about not telling someone you cheated after 13+ years (right about the length of time Amy and Phil and had been together). I also went on to say that I found it awkward how Phil just put his head down and said that he didn't know what was the right or wrong thing to do. It was really bothering me. Over the course of the next couple weeks it must have come up several times because it was really weighing on my mind. The next time we were at the river my boyfriend shared a secret with me.. Phil had cheated on Amy right after they had gotten married. I couldn't believe that he knew... I looked right at him and said, how couldn't you have told Amy what happened. He said that Phil had promised he already had... my boyfriend had told Phil, if you don't tell her - I will. My boyfriend knows it happened because he walked in on it happening.

It drives me absolutely crazy. First of all... my colleague at the time... is Amy's best friend. Amy confides in her about everything and has for many - many years. I am totally convinced that she had kept this secret with Phil from Amy. I have witnessed her lies left and right to tons of people about tons of things. I have no respect for her and her behavior and actually quit my job at the time because of her behaviors. it disgusted me and I didn't want to work with her anymore. This is the deal.. years have passed since this infedility took place. They have one child, and one on the way. I don't know what's right or wrong to do... I just know that it consumes my mind very - very often. When Amy opened up to me that day I felt that she was my friend, and I still do. It still bothers her, it still crosses her mind and gets under her skin because of course when she had accused him she was made out to be irrational and what not. Since then I have witnessed Phil being very disrespectful to her on several occasions. It really bothers me... and it does bother my boyfriend too. What the heck do you do in this situation? I didn't know Phil or Amy when this infidelity took place, but I know for a fact that it did.

I asked my boyfriend, if Amy had told you that it was still bothering her and she still wanted to know how would you react, would it bother you? He said it would and that he might have to tell her (he really thought Phil had told her) but then again... the babies that are now in the picture make that all more complicated.

I met the girl that Phil cheated with. My boyfriend pointed her out at a bar one night. I was tipsy and I can't stand this whole situation so I went up and started dancing by her on the dance floor. She turned to me and said hi.. I said hi back - I proceeded to say, you know my friend. She asked who and I said, actually you slept with him right after he got married, his name is Phil. She said, "No".. I said ,"Yes, it was about 5 years ago". I turned around and there was my boyfriend.. she looked at him and said, "You.. Hi.. it's been awhile".. and then her pale face met mine and she left. My boyfriend didn't think that confrontation was called for but I thought if nothing else it was some kind of something on Amy's behalf. OMG.. what would you do if you were me and my boyfriend.. anything?

[IheartEdward]

Wow, that's terrible.
That would drive me crazy as well but if you know she genuinly doesn't want to know should you really tell her? It's hard to tell when you really don't know what's best for her. Its best to find out how she feels about everything just in a normal conversation if you can and if she sounds like she really does want to know, maybe you should let her know before she spends the rest of her life with someone she thought she knew everything about.

[Tralyn]

Actually I know that Amy wants to know, it was my old colleague (Amy's best friend who is covering up this lie for Phil) that claimed she would not want to know. It was her way of justifying her covering for Phil and Phil being a liar. I know Amy wants to know - but now there is a 3 year old and one on the way.

[J_9]

You need to stay out of it. If you tell her, and he denies it, you will lose a friend. Since your boyfriend knows about it for a fact, he should confront Phil and tell Phil that he really needs to tell Amy and that he knows that Phil did not tell her earlier.

This is really between Amy and Phil. If Phil does not tell her after your boyfriend talks to him, it is then their business and the two of you need to keep out of it.

[Tralyn]

Even though my boyfriend walked in on this happenning and was reassured that Phil had told Amy you think that my boyfriend even shouldn't say anything?

Then my question also goes to this point... unless the cheater admits he cheated is it just okay and nobody should ever tell?

It just seems SO wrong.. No matter what - if I was Amy I know that I would want to know. Am I the only one who feels that way about cheating? Makes me sick!

[J_9]

Ask your boyfriend to talk to Phil again.

It appears that they have a good marriage now. Maybe they have worked things out. Why would you want to ruin that? You could ruin a good marriage and a good friendship and be all alone with two or 3 people mad at you for doing this.

What if you tell Amy and Phil denies it to the grave? Then where are you? Where would you stand with Amy?

It is Phil's responsibility to tell Amy. Otherwise you would be stirring the pot and meddling in their apparently now happy marriage.

[Tralyn]

Okay.. I definitely see your point and these are all reasons I have not said anything. I don't want to ruin anything for anybody. I am a truth seeker just like Amy. I have been made to feel irrational and stupid in the past only to find out that my gut instincts were right on all along. It's nice to feel like you aren't going crazy.

This so called happy marriage.. is happy, between very rude and unhappy times. I do not want to meddle. That's just it.. where does it become OK to tell someone they were cheated on? Are you always a meddler then.. even if it is swimming in their mind?

[J_9]

Tralyn, this is their business and their business only. As frustrating as it may be, you need to keep your lip buttoned at all times when it comes to infidelity between these two.

It never becomes okay to tell her you knew, even if Phil eventually tells her. Then she will be mad at you for not telling her. Sometimes we have to take things to the grave with us. If Phil tells her, then you need to be there to support her as a friend, but not tell her you knew.

If it's swimming in her mind, all you can do is suggest that she ask him, but it is not your place, nor is it anyone else's place to tell her that he cheated on her.

Best rule of thumb, don't let everyone know your business, and keep your mouth shut when you hear news that could ruin a person or a family.

[Tralyn]

So, if your friend knew you were cheated on and it had seriously bothered you and you wanted to know - your friend shouldn't tell you?

As long as someone cheats and doesn't physically get caught in the act by their partner then no one should ever tell? I do not agree with that.

Maybe in this situation I am not a person to say anything - and that's why I'm asking and I do appreciate your answers. However, I don't think that everyone who knows should leave her hanging obliviously - I think that's horrible. If I had known her when this happened - I would have told her already.

[J_9]

Tralyn, can I ask you a slightly personal question?

How old are you?

[Tralyn]

I can't believe I was just asked that. I am 32 and I am not immature if you are implying that. I think infedility is wrong and if someone is cheated on they deserve to know, especially if it is making them feel unstable that they have had a nagging horrible suspision for years.

[Tralyn]

THAT is exactly why I find this topic troubling. That is also why I have had a hard time with it since I found out. When Amy confided in me you could tell it was still eating away at her.

Mind you, I have said nothing. I talk with my boyfriend about this - and now I have posted here.

[J_9]

Okay, I see that you are older than I expected. Sorry if I implied that I thought you were immature. But one thing we learn with age is to keep secrets when necessary.

I don't believe in infidelity either, but I will not be a homewrecker. But there are certain situations where we have to keep the secrets that we are told.

If you feel it necessary to tell her, you have ruined the lives of 6 people.

1) Amy
2) Phil
3) You
4) Your boyfriend
5&6) Phil and Amy's children

I have recently been put in a similar situation. Not about infidelity, but about nurses who smoke marijuana off the clock after work. While I feel it necessary for the administration to know, I also don't want to ruin the lives of a family and my reputation as a whistle blower. This gal smokes pot at night, never before or after work, it does not affect her job, BUT it is a drug and she is a nurse.

Sometimes we just have to use our better judgment and let nature take it's course. I live be the saying "what comes around, goes around."

[Tralyn]

I know what you are saying about the lives getting ruined. I think it's awful. In all honesty J-9... had I known her when this happened I would have told her. At that time there would not have been the children. I didn't know her then, I found out far after the fact. I also found out from her far after the fact how troubled she still is by it and that kills me. She is a wonderfully loving person and has done so much for Phil. He treats her with disrespect so often. It troubles me because of those things, and because - as I stated earlier... I would want to know if it was me.

[Tralyn]

... Maybe my boyfriend saying something to Phil is as far as it should go...

Why does this trouble my mind so much?? Geez.

[J_9]

Has he been faithful since that time?

[simoneaugie]

It's funny how profoundly I agree with J-9. I was raised to keep my mouth shut.

Then I went to counselling and learned that when I have a gut feeling, like Amy did, to trust myself. The question is, if others are making you feel crazy when your gut knows, are you crazy? No. You are never less than human. Never less than unique, unrepeatable.

Honesty is the way to go. If Amy were to get in your face and demand that you tell her what you know, don't lie. However, like J-9 said, it isn't your stuff. You are affected by the words and emotions of people you interact with. That means that you are empathetic and caring. This situation is eating up a lot of time in your mind. Renting space, as it were.

Focus on your own stuff. This does not belong to you, nor are you responsible for making it "right." You show both intelligence and caring when you know when to back off, and just patiently let things be.

[Tralyn]

I would be speculating but as far as I know he has been faithful since then - to the best of my knowledge.

Thanks to you guys... I know it isn't my stuff - it tears at me though, the way she spoke about it, the way it bothered her, the way she described how she felt and feels. I just put myself there and know that I would want to know.

[Tralyn]

I have known this for a long time... probably a year now and I have held onto it.. I just keep hearing her and how troubled she was, that's why I broke down and had to post it.

[simoneaugie]

I'd take these feelings and give them to the ocean, or a river.