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cowboyjai · Aug 22, 2008, 06:07 PM

I broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago now. We had been together for over 3 years. She said she was unhappy and walked. This is the briefest summary. I could argue my case but there's really no point.

Once that happened, I was shattered, of course. But I tried to get my things together, I reconnected with my buddies, and I decided I would travel. Booked plane tickets for Japan next month, I'm going with a friend of mine. I replaced my dreams of the white picket fence with a dream of seeing as much of the world as I could. Places and people. Everyone has their own stories, and everyone outside of me is just as real. I want to meet them everywhere.

Fast forward to a few days ago. My ex rang me screaming and crying because she thought I had taken something from her (I hadn't). I calmed her down and asked if she wanted to get coffee (I remember thinking it was a bad idea). We hooked up again. Then we met a few days later, and I got the same answer as the night she dumped me "I can't."

OK! I finally spoke to her one last time yesterday, because she owes me a fair bit of money, and I was seeing when it would be returned. The conversation broke down and she told me she hated me. She blamed me 100% for everything that went wrong. She raged at me for not proposing earlier (this one cut me like a knife... ugh, I don't even know.. ugh, like the night itself wasn't bad enough) She said I ruined her dreams. She hated who I was becoming because it was the me she always wanted and never got.

I've been dealing OK for the most part. But the thought that this chick... who I say I most definitely loved very much... now hates me as a person and blames me for everything... it gets me down a bit, you know?

(edit: and yes, I went completely no contact for the 3 weeks, until she rang me screaming at me. I'm going to go no contact again as soon as I get my money. She knows this 100%, and sometimes I think I won't get it back just so she can keep a claw in me.)

lengkyx · Aug 22, 2008, 06:41 PM

Uhm. That money's going to be a problem. I think you should forgive her debt so you can move on. I have no idea how big the amount is but it just might cost you more trying to get it back. I think she's going to keep messing with your mind and your feelings.

If you feel so bad about the debt, promise yourself not to lend anyone anymore. It doesn't feel good owing something big to someone anyway.

By the way, I like this attitude of yours: "I could argue my case but there's really no point."

talaniman · Aug 23, 2008, 06:54 AM

Could that be her whole point in this? The money?? I think she doesn't want to give it back. Choice time. Take her to court or leave her alone.

My choice is leave her alone.

fjsmith81 · Aug 23, 2008, 07:10 AM

OK after reading your post I didn't know if your question was about the money or the relationship aspect of it. I now see with your title it is about the relationship aspect of it. From what you say it seems that she didn't get enraged with you until after you asked her to give back the money. I think she might be saying that she hates you and blames you for everything that went wrong as a ploy to make you feel guilty. You may ask, why would she do that? It's simple. You feel guilty enough that you think you caused the turmoil in relationship that you simply forget about the money and stop asking her for it. It's kind of a win win situation for her. She says horrible things to you, you feel guilty and stay away, and she gets to keep the money.
She obviously doesn't hate you that much if she is sleeping with you a few days prior to your conversation. And in my experience women usually will give you a long and extensive reason of exactly why they are leaving you in the first place. Especially if the reason is that you won't marry them in time.
Sidenote question: Did you ever suspect her of seeing someone else?

Good luck

Rjacks · Aug 23, 2008, 05:02 PM

Let bygones be bygones. Life is too short to suffer over something that is now in the past. Forget about the money and move on with your life! You seem like a caring person. Take care of yourself so you'll be in good shape when the right one comes along. :)

cowboyjai · Aug 23, 2008, 05:03 PM

Sidenote question: Did you ever suspect her of seeing someone else?

Yes.. but isn't paranoia normal? The night we broke up though - she had been sneaking out and not talking to me for a few days, staying out all night and that. She said she stayed with friends but... seriously... if this was anyone else's story and I was the one listening, I know what I would think.

The money was $1600. For me that's close to 3 weeks pay... I had saved it up for a new computer, but there was an emergency so I gave it to her, under the condition that she promised to pay it back. To be honest I've weighed up not asking for it back and not having to deal with her anymore but... it feels wrong to let her just keep it without trying, you know? I did enough.

Well, my question was just asking how do I deal with feeling guilty? In the end though, I don't really suppose there's an answer. She decided to walk without sitting me down and having a heart to heart about things - her failure. I didn't notice things were slipping - my failure. What sucks is that this relationship was gone for a while... and I never knew. That makes me sad.

hungtoronto · Aug 23, 2008, 05:19 PM

I think the reason she was upset and blamed you for everything is because she just broke up with you. She is not in her right state of mind and anything can set it off. I just broke up a month ago as well. My ex blamed me for everything as well this would never happen when we were together. When I try to talk to her about getting back together. Anything you do won't help you're right it will just create more argument and more fight ,may be not now until she calm down.

She still got my phone when we broke up which I still paid for and I told her I will cancel it. This didn't went well neither. I cancel it although I had to pay $400 but anyway I have to break all contact.

My advice is give her more space do the NC until everything is calm. That's what I am doing currently as well. You can ask for the money back but just give it time when everything cool down. In my opinion $1600 is not much. If it was me I'll give it to her although I am generous but it is different for everyone. If you can be cool about the money I think she'll respect you more.

cowboyjai · Aug 31, 2008, 12:30 AM

I just need to rant a bit. It's been a month now since I got dumped. And I've been doing SO GOOD lately, I was really surprised that I could feel this well so soon after it happened (we were together 3 years).

It's been NC pretty much that entire time (she broke it near the beginning, since then nc all the way)

Today was a bad day. I had a dream about my ex, and these dreams really mess me up. I wake up in a panic - I'm past the point now of expecting her to be there - but in my half asleep state as I'm waking up I have massive panic attacks, it's like I'm not conscious enough to will myself out of them/defend myself from them.

My trip to Japan is now 26 days away. I've also been working out - I'm pretty sure I lost a bit of weight after the breakup, because my eating habits got all messed up - and I'm looking pretty good. I went on a date the other night. Didn't go amazingly well :P But at least I'm getting out there. Had a drunk chick try to get all over me last night, but I wasn't that keen and bailed pretty fast. I was watching the fireworks in town... I feel so insanely free when I'm at places like that and I KNOW I'm not going to run into my ex. To be honest, running into her is like... it sort of gives me the chills. What do I do? Smile? Talk for chitchat? I wouldn't do either, I'd look away and hope she keeps walking.

Got a new phone and number, just to add to the fresh slate of things. (I don't want to be tracked down.)

Made a playlist full of songs that put me on that slight edge that gives bonus confidence

These are just ways I find to keep it going. What I find doesn't help at all is thinking in any way about her. I'm not trying to pretend the 3 years meant nothing (they meant a lot, but she won't be hearing that), but there is absolutely no good (at least for me) in thinking that they did - it just drags me down thinking about what I lost. It's exactly the opposite - I've decided now that nobody is going to see me sweat (except you fine folks here at askme :), and I'm going to take that happy face and make it real, for everyone who's watching me to see.

Working out, staying fit, travelling, getting out to public events with friends, crazy rock playlists and talking to new chicks.

What have you guys been doing to deal with what you're going through?

chuff · Aug 31, 2008, 09:46 AM

I actually do exactly what you do. As for the panic attacks, although I haven't experience those this time during my first break up I would wake up with those and what I did was immeidately go for a walk. There is no reason to stay in be where you focus on the dream you just had. Through on a pair of shoes and get some fresh air... even at 3 am, if you take a 30 minute walk you'll come back a little wore out, relaxed, and feeling good.

cowboyjai · Sep 1, 2008, 02:48 AM

I'm a month into my own breakup so this is definitely not even an issue for me. NC all the way for a long time I think.

But I am curious - for those who have been through bad breakups, who were dumped, pretty much had their world smashed (for lack of better description) by a girl - and who MOVED ON... how many of you were actually comfortable being friends in the future? (and if so after how long)

niceguy32 · Sep 1, 2008, 02:58 AM

I have stayed friends with one ex only and she dumped me and broke my heart at the time. She came knocking back about 6 months later when her new relationship didn't work out! We stayed friends for a little while but I couldn't help but remember how badly she treated me.
I'm now 3 months out of a new relationship whereby the girl wanted to remain friends. However with feelings still there, it was never going to work so I cut it off.
What I'm trying to say is that if one party still has feelings, it will never work. Ever!
Once you lose those feelings for her, you have to decide whether to pursue a friendship with them. Most times we just move on and meet someone who treats us right and forget about the ex. Also be mindful that if you stay friends with an ex it may cause problems with any new partners.

cowboyjai · Sep 1, 2008, 03:06 AM

What I'm trying to say is that if one party still has feelings, it will never work. Ever!!
Once you lose those feelings for her, you have to decide whether or not to pursue a friendship with them.

That's pretty much it, hey? I still have feelings (though I control them and slowly move past them day by day) and I'm curious if, once they are entirely buried, I'd even WANT to pursue a friendship with this girl. There were good times but ultimately she walked, when I never walked on her, and when I tried my hardest to fix things when they were down. Would I even want to know her once I'm out and free?

(I've found this entire breakup process INCREDIBLE - going from 'I love you' and 'you're the one, I want to marry you' (and me believing it) for 3 years, to 'I can't be with you anymore' etc etc, and the crazy changes this brought to my life, when I think about it all, it BLOWS my mind that people everywhere deal with this, every single day. Yes, it sucked, and it still sucks sometimes... but I respect the massive effect this has had on me as a person.)

I'm curious about others experience with this, and being friends afterwards

Ithappenstoall · Sep 2, 2008, 01:42 AM

I say perhaps a couple years later if you randomly run into each other and start talking again, but when the breakup of a serious relationship ( at least a year or 2) is still new, I would not even think of it especially if you are the dumpee because you may think you are over it but in fact you are still pursuing a lost hope. That s my opinion

niceguy32 · Sep 2, 2008, 01:57 AM

Just remember too that even if you run into your ex in 2 years time, you will still subconsciously have feelings there.
Do what I do and write a complete list of things that you didn't like from the relationship, including how you were treated at the break up. It's so easy to remember all the good times, holidays together and forget a lot of the bad times. Whenever you are missing her and wishing she would return, turn to this list. Before you go to bed at night, have a look at this list.
We had a wonderful relationship until she wanted to take a step back and my list wasn't very long. But there were still a few things that I didn't like about the relationship and I draw from these when feeling sad.
I totally agree with you too that this affects so many people and it really can affect your health (no eating, stress, cigarettes, drinking, depression). Just make sure that you keep yourself busy and socialise with friends.
Good luck

ChihuahuaMomma · Sep 2, 2008, 01:59 AM

I don't stay friends with exes, I removed them from my life for a reason, and I plan to keep it that way.

ChihuahuaMomma · Sep 2, 2008, 01:59 AM

Besides, it would make an uncomfortable situation to introduce a new interest to your ex as a friend.

Sexiigal432 · Sep 2, 2008, 02:30 AM

Originally Posted by cowboyjai

I'm a month into my own breakup so this is definitely not even an issue for me. NC all the way for a long time I think.

But I am curious - for those who have been through bad breakups, who were dumped, pretty much had their world smashed (for lack of better description) by a girl - and who MOVED ON...how many of you were actually comfortable being friends in the future? (and if so after how long)

Well I am a girl and I recently spilt up with my boyfriend and basically were still mates and were moving on be ut were still good mates, and we've bin mates ever since we spilt up,:)

Sexiigal432 · Sep 2, 2008, 02:32 AM

I am a girl and I'm 14, and I just a few month's back spilt up with my boyfriend, and we had a bad relationship and ended up spilting I loved him so much, and he broke my heart, but were still good mates, and we have both moved on, we have different partners, and were still good mates, :) :D

Ithappenstoall · Sep 2, 2008, 02:50 AM

Originally Posted by niceguy32

Just remember too that even if you run into your ex in 2 years time, you will still subconsciously have feelings there.

I don't know if they would still be feelings but you would definetley remember them, good or bad. You once loved them and therefore they will always be a place for them in your heart especially the more special relatioships such as your first love etc...

Now regarding being friends, once again in depends on the relation but more important which I forgot to mention earlier is why kind of person you are. In my case I know that right now would not be best because I still think I am not strong enough to deal with it. Hey if you are in that place and you are strong and confident and you had ended on relatively good terms, why not .

nickshehe · Sep 2, 2008, 06:05 AM

I've had two bad break ups in my short lifetime(im 23)..
My first break up was pretty bad.. even after we broke up-I would see her quite frequently and I never quite got over her for about 3 years.. But after I did I was fine with being friends- as we are now.. We occasionally even sleep together now and again which I know is wrong but I do it because I know I can control my emotions surrounding this pattern.
It's quite funny actually, she dumped me and then she comes to me for sex because she can't find anyone decent she wants to be with and it's comfortable with me.. and heck, I don't mind ;D Minus the sex though we're still buddies.. She can come to me for advice with guys and I can go to her for advice with girls.. I'm quite happy we worked our problems out.
My 2nd break up = TOO SOON... I let go of the NC 6 months in and I'm regretting it.. but I'm keeping a cap on the whole thing.. next time I see her will be too soon