[dilema23]

I met my soul mate nearly 3 months ago now. I’m not normally a romantic and am always sceptical about falling in love with someone. I’ve always believed that it wasn’t possible to fall in love over night. However, I’ve fallen head over heels for this man.

He feels the same, we're inseparable. The more I see him the more I want to be with him. When we're not together we're on the phone, emailing or texting, can’t get enough of each other. It just feels right. He hasn't felt like this before either. I've met his friends and he has met mine, both sets of friends have commented on how right we are for each other and how happy we are now. Our feelings towards each other aren't in question at all. He never married as he thought he didn't believe in marriage. He has said he's rethinking that now he's met me.

Then comes the spanner in the works, he's only recently (4months ago) split up with his long term girlfriend - the mother of his two children. They have a lovely family home together and two beautiful children. He says it's been over between them for a long time and that he's tried to end it before but stays with her for the sake of not splitting up the family. She has not accepted the split yet and wants him back. She doesn’t know about me. They are living apart at the moment, he is looking to buy a flat for himself and they have told the children about the split. He is understandbly upset about the break up of the family and I hate seeing his pain.

I am thinking of ending it with him as I don’t want to be the cause of a family breaking up. I’m worried that by being with me, he is being distracted from making a go at making their relationship work. I’ve broached the subject with him but he is adamant that he can’t be without me. I’m thinking maybe I need to be the strong one and step back?? My head is telling me one thing and my heart another – which do I follow?

[talaniman]

Follow your head as he does have baggage, and unfinished business to deal with, and lets be honest, you don't know if he will be available for the long term, and you surely can't put all your emotions into this at the moment, as he is not that available.

Your right, be the stronger one, because right now your just a distract for a guy who just left his family, for whatever reason, and have you ever heard of someone who gets over a wife in 4 months? Do you know why they broke up? Do you really know anything besides what he presents to you?

3 months is still everyone being nice, and being with him is new, but he is still a stranger, so its way to soon to follow your heart, when your head is saying "whoa, lets think about this" Take heed to your head now, or regret later.

Tell your heart to shut up, until there is dry ink on the divorce. Separations mean nothing to married people and most times they go back.

Protect yourself, and your heart. Read the threads in this forum about being with a married man, and see the misery, and pain, they find after starting off just like you, in a blind bliss.

[dilema23]

Thanks for replying. I think I know deep down that I have to step back, just fighting with myself at the moment. I was OK until she told him last week that she wants him back - now I kind of feel guilty.

Does it make any difference that they're not married. No, not really I guess. And the 'ink on the divorce' could be replaced by the sale of the house and split of the assets.

I understand your thoughts on the honeymoon phase that we're in right now but it is more than just that. I used to be sceptical and would put it just down to a honeymoon phase myself - now I'll won't be so sceptical.

Head over heart? Or
Life's too short?

Which one do you go by? Knowing myself I'll probably go with head over heart but then I am known for pushing people away. Too independent for my own good my friends say. This guy is the first that's made me stop and think before pushing away. Does that mean something!!

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

It take a strong person to be with someone with baggage. It can be done though. I do believe that this man your seeing does still have feelings for his ex even though he may not want to. I DO NOT know one person in the world that would ever get over an ex in just 4 months, especially those who have children together. I guess that is also depedning on how long they have been together?

He needs time; time to figure out himself and what are the next steps into making his children happy because after all, they are his #1 priority.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

At 3 months, you are both deep in the infatuation stage where the lust biochemistry is extremely compelling. With him barely out of a marriage with kids & not legally at that, he still has a lot of emotional baggage to sort through from that situation which can end up very badly for you. At this point you are a bridge relationship from the life he had to the one he is going to have (which may or may not include the mother of his kids). Many times couples do decide to reconcile & your heart will be very hurt by getting caught in the crossfire of that.

You will be better off stepping out of the situation until he gets his life straightened out in a way that will make a good relationship possible if he indeed gets an emotional divorce from his old girlfriend even if a legal one is not required. They still have a lot of issues to resolve even from a practical standpoint. I know how hard that is when you seem such a perfect match right now. You don't have the complications that his long term girlfriend does, so it's easy for him to be "perfect" with you right now. It would be different if he was much further along in the splitting up / separation process & that was almost a done deal. Instead, it's still in the early stages as far as his being outside that home.

You want to make sure that he is mentally & emotionally ready to move on to a new relationship & commitment before investing too much of your life & heart into someone that has one foot in another relationship & one foot in an uncertain present / future. You deserve much better than that.

And something else you may want to think about is why he would have children & a house with a long term girlfriend but not be married to her. I know some people only consider that a piece of paper but it does have legal benefits & signifies a willingness to make a permanent commitment. If a legal marriage is important to you at some point, but he isn't going to be willing to do that, that will be a major issue too. Has he told you why they were never married?

[erin7799]

I think that you are very mature for even thinking about ending it w/ him. Most women wouldn't even think of that. Because as long as they are getting what they want it doesn't matter who they hurt along the way. I think that choice is probably the wisest at this point in time. Just let him know that if it is meant to be then the 2 of you will be together no matter what. So allowing him to take the time he needs to get his life straightened out is a good choice. Then you won't live w/ thinking that you may have been the cause of keeping a family apart. If they're going to split up they'll do so. Just wait until it's all over and then he can contact you then.

[dilema23]

BetrayalBTCamp and Erin7799 thanks so much for your posts. My minds made up - I knew deep down really but just needed that final push. You guys and my bessiemate have provided that so just got to talk to him now!

He's on his way over so think I'll bite the bullet and get it over with. Just know he's going to be upset and I don't want to hurt him. But like you say if its meant to be it will be! Short term pain for long time gain and all that!

Will just have to keep myself as busy as possible in the mean time!

Oh - he said they didn't marry cause he didn't believe in marriage. Though he has mentioned him and I getting married a few times. Not seriously, just when we're doing silly things like planning our ideal future! Id like to think he didn't marry as deep down he knew she wasn't the one for him and that we'll marry one day cause we're right for each other - but that's a fairytale! If it comes true, only time will tell.

[FLORENCE1085]

We all have our own personal issues. If you love him and he loves you than just forget about everything. Why shoul dhe stay with a woman who makes him unhappy? The children will suffer if they force themselves to stay together. You need to help him in his time of need and be understanding.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

I really admire you for being able to be as strong & pragmatic as you are when you two obviously have such a strong attraction for each other. As pointed out, many would not hesitate to stay involved despite the newness of his separation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that much in love & like soulmates, it's a wonderful state to experience & even better when it is long lasting.

Even if he thought she wasn't the "one" to marry, he did have 2 kids & buy a home with her, those are serious commitments too. Selling the house is one thing, but walking away from kids is another & at least he seems to want to be a good dad to them. I hope things work out for them so that they can be great co-parents & I hope things work out for you too, so you do get the right relationship with the right person, which might still work out with him.

Unfortunately, I have known more than one couple that started like this when one was newly split up. It ended up badly as the separating person basically was just on the rebound & then bailed once they got past finalizing the end of the first relationship. And they had seeming strong, perfect for each other. We're going to be happy ever after beginnings that fizzled very hurtfully once the rebound effect wore off.

Good Luck!

[brkfstatiffs]

I agree with the above, you are very mature for thinking about ending it. My question is, does his ex wife know about you? Or are you the total other woman? Personally, I think it's odd that he is still living in the family home and that right there tells you he isn't telling you EVERYTHING there is to know with the situation. If I were you I wouldn't go back to dating with him until he moves out or she moves out, that gets messy and you don't want to get hurt in the long run by being in the middle. Tell him how much you are enjoying the time you spend with him etc but your gut just tells you the situation isn't right. Take a step back but be honest and sincere. If things are meant to be, and if he is into you as much as you say he is... he will see the light of day and be with you. However, to support him - 4 months a part with an ex wife isn't very much time, it also sounds like you are somewhat of a rebound, aka he forgot how amazing the honeymoon stage feels and so he is living that up with you.

[dilema23]

Yep, agree with you all. He's living in the house with the kids, she has moved out. I've been to the house a few times whilst the kids have been with her and have no reason not to trust what he has told me.

The estate agents are coming round to value the house today. He's adament its over. I believe him but I just want him to be absolutely sure that he doesn't want to continue trying to make it work, he said he's tried for over a year and it's time to move on. Plus, the crunch point for me was that she has not yet accepted the break up. If we stay together now, she'll hate me for ever and I don't want that for the kids sake and for ours. I don't expect her to have accepted it yet, that's why I have to be the one to step back.

[JBeaucaire]

You often get to pick the hell you live in. I am so glad you are strongly reconsidering this particular hell.

Love/attraction is a great reason to go out with someone. It is a horrible reason to get involved long-term when there is so much crap you have to accept with the person you're in love with.

You fell in love. That means you can. So, you definitely will again. And yes, I realize other men may not "do it for you" in the love department like this guy does, but I say, "so what?"

I'd rather marry someone that's a 7 on the love scale and a 10 on the compatibility/availability/no-crap scale, than marry a someone who is a 10 on the love scale and a 4 on the compatibility/crap scale.

Forever is a long time. You need WAY more than just love to base it on. You pick your on hell. Good for you for opting to avoid this one.

[asking]

Does it make any difference that they're not married. No, not really i guess. And the 'ink on the divorce' could be replaced by the sale of the house and split of the assets.

Right. It makes little difference. He is married for all practical purposes.

Head over heart? Or
Life's too short?

Head over heart! If he is serious about you, he will be willing to take care of business before encumbering your life. If he is a responsible grown up, he won't mind doing the right thing. And if he's not, and has to have what he wants (you) right now without dealing with the family he's breaking up (and it's his problem, not yours), then he's not a good catch, despite everything seeming so wonderful now. Tell him to get back to you when he's really free and don't wait for him, hard as that will be. His story is full of red flags and your head is right.

Which one do you go by? Knowing myself i'll probably go with head over heart but then i am known for pushing people away. Too independant for my own good my friends say. This guy is the first thats made me stop and think before pushing away. Does that mean something!!!!

Some of the worst catches are the most charming and suck you into an intense relationship very fast--too fast. For example, think about why he told you that his partner wanted him back. He could have kept that to himself, but it makes him seem more desirable. I would suspect him of trying to manipulate you.

Good luck! You sound sensible. It is not wrong to let your head lead or to be independent.

[asking]

'd rather marry someone that's a 7 on the love scale and a 10 on the compatibility/availability/no-crap scale, than marry a someone who is a 10 on the love scale and a 4 on the compatibility/crap scale.

Forever is a long time. You need WAY more than just love to base it on. You pick your on hell. Good for you for opting to avoid this one.

Great answer! I had to spread the rep...

[BetrayalBtCamp]

I am known for pushing people away. Too independent for my own good my friends say. This guy is the first that's made me stop & think before pushing away. Does that mean something!!

Yes, it means that you are letting yourself be more open to the possibility of a great relationship. That's a good thing. And even if this one doesn't work out, hopefully you will stop & think when you do feel that urge to push away to see if that's really the right thing to do or just an old habit that needs to be changed.

But "pushing away" when you see serious red flags isn't being "too independent" but dang smart in taking good care of you!