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Alucardius · Aug 16, 2008, 06:39 PM

This is a long story, but I'm begging you to read the whole text, cause you are the only ones who can help me out on this...

Hello everyone! First of all I want to apologize for any english mistakes I will make, its not my language but I will try my hardest to explain my situation best.

Me and my girlfriend have been together in a happy relationship for 1.5 or so years. BUT I must start my story by telling you about the problems we've had in past. She suffers from bulimia and she has been raped before. I wanted to let you know about it cause I think these could be 2 very important factors. When we first started dating, she was together with another guy but their relationship was really rocky and got very boring cause he was an 24/7 (I know him). So far we've had 2 major problems:

1. About 3 months in our relationship she started missing all the moments they've had
before and she also couldn't tell her parents about me since I'm a stranger (I'm russian and she's montenegrian and her parents are kind of against these things and she was afraid of her mom's opinion about her dating another guy cause she really liked her ex).

2. She regularly went to Serbia to see her family and also to check herself about her eating problem. Last summer she went there again and our relationship suffered from her mood changes and nervousness(sp?) cause of the problem. I decided to go to Serbia to see her and also to spend some free time with my best friend,however as soon as I arrived,she didn't want to meet me. She said that I was obssesed with her,but really the only reason I wanted to see her was to help her out and also to establish our relationship. We nearly broke up there,but I convinced her to stay with me and promised that we will deal with all her problems (parents,eating blah blah).

Okay, since I'm done with our backstory, it's time to tell about our latest problem.

Our relationship turned out to be the most amazing I ever experienced. Her parents ended up loving me and she stopped with her eating problem and we both quit smoking (important part).

This summer I was supposed to go to Russia and to Turkey for 3 weeks. A week before that she went to a camp with her friends for 9 days. Last days before she went,she was extremely worried about us cause she "didn't know what she would do without me and how much she would miss me". But I was really fine with that idea cause I knew that a small break would be good for us, cause I also needed some time for myself.

We regularly texted each other, but the day before I went to Turkey, I wanted to talk to her through phone cause I knew that I wouldn't be able to speak to her during my staying there cause of bad comunications. I called her around 12 in my time (2 in her time) and wanted to talk,but I could sense that she didn't really feel like it. When I addressed that and her feelings,she said that she didn't feel anything at the moment and didn't want to talk. Probably cause she was sleeping I thought,but I still got mad and told her that I would text her when I come back.

When I was returning back to Russia, I texted her. She told me that we really needed to talk and that she couldn't hande this anymore. I said that it almost sounded as if she wanted to break up. She replied: "I'm affraid it is so". As you can imagine, I tried to text her and call her but she wouldn't answer.

When I came back to Montenegro and texted her,she said that we needed to talk in person. Which we did about a week later cause she couldn't find time (but was also avoiding the talk as she told me later). Finally we talked and she explained that she still does feel something but just can't be with me anymore because she recognised that entire time she "couldn't breathe" and didn't have time for herself. Which is bull cause I was the one who always told her to spend time with her friends,go out,but she never wanted to be with them,but with me!! (and I of course always found time for both). She said that we needed a break,when I asked what kind of break,she said "break up and then we will see". Before she kept telling me that I am her soulmate and that we are made for each other blah blah. She said IF we are soulmates, we will end up together anyway. She wanted to remain friends but I said that I couldn't cause I still feel a lot for her.

Next day, she went to Belgrade (she planned the whole timing very well I must say). The night before she went though, I texted her saying that while I don't want to be her friend if she ever needed me, I would be there for her.

Two days later I texted her again,asking how it is in Belgrade and got no answer back. My female friend gave her a missed call a couple days later and she answered with "hey there :)" So I guess she's happy with her life..

After reading around here, I went into NC with her,but still didn't get any reaction. My problem is that I don't know if there is any point of even expecting something because she basically cut me off and is now having lots of fun...

VERY important thing: While she was camping, in 9 days she ate 1 slice of pizza and had 1 portion of corn flakes. And she also started throwing up again,on daily basis.

My theory is that she got out of control and is now loving her situation,because before she felt like being controlled by me and her parents (even though I SWEAR I wasn't controlling her, just talking and helping her when she needed me). She also,of course, started smoking again, 2 packets a day!

Now I really don't know what to do,and how I feel about her, I am staying in NC though and while its really hard, I'm doing my best. I'm 99% sure that it's not my fault cause I always tried to give her everything she NEEDED. I also started talking to other girls through casual social networks and I feel great,cause it keeps up my values and I don't want to date anyone or end up in any relationship anytime soon. I really don't know what is going to happen between me and her,so please let me know what you think!

Again,I'm sorry for such long text but nobody else can give me a professional opinion on my situation and what I should do.

Thank you in advance!

N0help4u · Aug 16, 2008, 07:27 PM

She is on an emotional roller coaster and wanting you to just go along with the ride. Whatever her mood happens to be you are suppose to just go along with it even if it means break up so she doesn't have to deal with someone in her life. It is selfish and a control thing and until she gets professional help you really can't expect any consistency in the relationship. You can't even be an emotional support for her in any way because she pushes you away at her convenience. So you do not have an equal relationship when she is calling all the shots. She said break up. She isn't replying to you. It isn't fair to you to just wait around until one day, maybe, she decides she does want you back in her life.
Since she didn't say she wants a break but she will let you know where things stand in a month or three months or whatever you should just live your life the way you want and if she ever wants you back and you are with somebody else that is the gamble SHE took when SHE wanted to break up.
Until she learns that a relationship is a two way commitment she is not going to get anywhere. Love is not able how you feel one day to the next or based on your moods. Look for a healthy relationship you are not going to find it with her... at least until she gets the professional help she needs. YOU CAN NOT fix her.

simoneaugie · Aug 16, 2008, 07:36 PM

You write better than many who have English as their first language.

Smoking and eating disorders are addictions. She has chosen to remain addicted rather than pursue a healthy life with you. An addiction, especially an eating disorder is a "wonderful" way to tune out and not focus on what she is really feeling. She is still dealing with her past issues and does not want to feel her real, uncomfortable feelings. She has chosen instead, to distract herself with addictive behavior.

I think that NC is the right way to go right now. You did the best you could, really well from what I've read. You know that you can't make choices for her. If she chooses to get well, works through her past pain and comes back to you, okay then. In the meantime, take care of yourself and live your life well. You did not cause her addictions. You can not cure her. Love her, you can.

Janmarie · Aug 16, 2008, 07:46 PM

You have been a strong pillar in her life considering her eating disorder. Her life in itself was and is not very healthy and when you don't have a well balanced healthy lifestyle ( Lifestyle by definition, is a way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person) That definition alone may help you see that her problems ran very deep by the way she is living it and as strong as you may seem to be you could easily fall victim to a very unhealthy life with her.

Stepping away from this situation is one of the best things you can do. You can care deeply for her but you have to care about yourself first. We all know that she needs some serious help but unless she see's it herself and asks for help your efforts are waisted.

Stay in NC zone, this doesn't mean that you don't care about her it is giving her the chance to contact you when she is ready to talk or discuss anything with you. You go about your daily business as usual and meeting new girls will help you feel better and give you more confidence in yourself.

pinkcelly123 · Aug 16, 2008, 07:51 PM

She has way more problems then you can help her with some of them seem mental obstacles.. it shows with you .you make her a better person but to her it seems you make her feel like your controlling her. She might just be taking out her frustrations of her addiction on your use to be relationship and not realizing it . With out you she goes back to throwing up and smoking which in her mind is normal because she feels better it like she is finally getting her addiction met by not being with you. You have down nothing wrong really its her addiction suffocating making her want to give in and she can't do that with you there so I think that's why she is acting the way she is.. well at least that's my opinion I think if she had better help with her problems more professional then being with you would be better and she would appreciate and realize all you have for her is love.. but for now there is nothing you could do but if your really concerned you should try talking to her parents to express your concern for her maybe but insisting to get her help but tell them not to say you suggested it because that definitely will make her feel like our controlling her again

N0help4u · Aug 16, 2008, 08:00 PM

Read through and notice the words to describe her

Addictions
Past issues
Mood swings
Emotional roller coaster
Frustrated
Obstacles
Unbalanced unhealthy lifestyle

How can you really break through all these things when she seems to choose wallowing in them rather than reaching out for help? You really can't. She has a free will and so all you can do is respect her decision.

Alucardius · Aug 17, 2008, 05:11 AM

Thank you so much for all the replies. That's more or less what I was thinking,but I wasn't sure. I guess she's just overwhelmed with all the "freedom" she's getting right now without me and my help.

I don't think I'm obsessed with her cause it's been nearly 2 weeks now,and I'm still in NC and there is no way I am going to contact her first, cause of my feelings and cause of my pride too.

However, last night and the night before I had the urgent to text but not to whine and ask her to come back, I wanted to tell her exactly what I think about her and make her realize what she's losing (again, I don't know if I want her back or not, but I just want her to open her eyes). What do you guys think I should do about my feelings?

Peter Wilson · Aug 17, 2008, 06:09 AM

Originally Posted by Alucardius

I don't think I'm obsessed with her cause it's been nearly 2 weeks now,and I'm still in NC and there is no way I am going to contact her first, cause of my feelings and cause of my pride too.

However, last night and the night before I had the urgent to text but not to whine and ask her to come back, I wanted to tell her exactly what I think about her and make her realize what she's losing (again, I don't know if I want her back or not, but I just want her to open her eyes). What do you guys think I should do about my feelings?

I think that you have to separate yourself from your feelings to get the right answer, for one thing, you neither honour her or yourself, not to mention her family.
If you gave honour to her and her family by treating her with respect, instead of a lover, when in fact you are only fulfilling your natural desires, and not your spiritual ones, then you would not only have saved her, but maybe even her whole family.
Did it ever occur to you that she longs to to be respected and cherished, just for being a woman?
Why do you want her back so much, because it is too much trouble to find some-one else to have free sex with?
You had better have a good look at yourself and your values, even if you got back together, your relationship is not built on solid ground.
This relationship will never be a success as you have already shot yourself in the foot by your selfish lust and pride.
What you want, and what we all want, is some-one to love us unconditionally, to support us, even when we act like idiots some-times.
To love us, and stand by us in good times and bad, to help shoulder the burdens of life.
Do you really think that you will find the right person by the way you are wanting your needs met?
Think again, you first meet the needs of others, then they will meet your needs.
Treat women with respect, even if you don't think they deserve it, every woman appreciates a gentleman.
You will never find true happiness and fulfillment on the path that you are on now, I should know, I walked on it for years!
You need to have a relationship with Jesus, get your spirit right before you inflict yourself on some other poor girl.
God has a plan for your life and even the perfect partner, but you will never find that path if you try to find it yourself.
Throw yourself on the mercy of God and ask Jesus to come into your heart and change you.
If you don't believe me, ask some of the others that have answered your post, if you continue on the road you are on, it will eventually take you to hell, and you will probably take a number of your friends with you.
Turn around man, wouldn't you rather have peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, and goodness in your life instead of being tormented with the outcomes of your poor choices?
Remember, the choices you make today, determines the outcomes of tomorrow!
You want good outcomes in your life, start making good choices now!
Whatever you sow, so will you reap, if you sow to the flesh, you will reap death, if you sow to the spirit, you will reap eternal life.
And that eternal life starts now, if you make the right choice.
Don't be led by your feelings, be led by the Holy Spirit.
Get hold of a Bible, read from the Gospel of John through to Revelation, then go back and read the other three Gospels.

If your heart is right and you really want the best for your life, then just do it!
Only you can make that decision, I can only point you to the way!
I hope you find the right path, there is only one!
Cheers:)

Alucardius · Aug 17, 2008, 06:17 AM

I don't believe in God. And believe me, I love her. I never said that I wanted her back cause of sex, in fact I never said that I wanted her back at all,cause I DON'T KNOW what I want.

You talk about me going to hell? I feel like I just came out of hell that she gave me and I still love her.

I can walk my own way, but right now I need a bit of help, not God's but HUMAN help.

Also I'm pretty sure that I treated her with all the respect I had. Even now, after what she did,I'm doing my best not to contact her,not cause of myself,but cause of her!!

N0help4u · Aug 17, 2008, 06:23 AM

Well I hope we helped you realize that the problem is something you can not handle because it is with her needing counseling.
Even in the worst of relationships you are still going to have an empty spot for them when you are broke up. Even the one that did the breaking up often has a lot of hurt over it being over. BUT she did the breaking up, she is the one that doesn't want the relationship, she is the one with the unhealthy baggage that she didn't fix before starting to see you, she called the shots, so there really isn't anything you can do except get on with your life.
You will always have a place in your heart for her,
She will always have a place in her heart for you.
BUT you two had a toxic relationship together because of her unresolved issues.
She made her choice, now all you can do is choice to get on with your life based on the choice she made.

Alucardius · Aug 17, 2008, 06:30 AM

What you said is true and I know it, but do you think she knows that too? Like,it's really hard to explain and even I don't know why I want that,but I want her to realize that the reason our relationship didn't work was because it was like you said,because right now she's basically blaming me for everything she felt and feels now.

Some things could have come from me and I am ready to analyze it to see where exactly I messed up and get better,but what about her? She won't ever find out the real reason she broke up with me..

I don't know if this makes much sense,I hope someone will understand me...

N0help4u · Aug 17, 2008, 06:40 AM

In her heart she knows it is her problem but it is common for somebody that does not want to take the blame. You can't worry about what she is thinking or feeling because if she really wanted you she would have found a way to communicate with you to work it out. For her it is just easier to walk away and not face it, then turn around and blame others.
If she faced up to it being her fault then it would make her feel weaker and she would have to face HER issues so being in denial is much easier.
Realize she is not healthy and with her issues she will never find the real reason she broke up that she why she needs professional help so they can point out her inconsistencies, her patterns of ditching boy friends instead of dealing with problems.

You can't do anything about what she gets or doesn't get. It is her problem and she went on with her life. You are not with her any more so it is something she will have to come to terms with in her own time and her own terms---hopefully it will be through counseling.

In fact if she ever did say she wanted back with you, you need to tell her NOT without counseling first. I really think she is beyond the point of 'fixing' herself and you can't fix her.

erin7799 · Aug 17, 2008, 06:48 AM

When you say that she felt as though you were controlling her, that's when she couldn't throw up her food. Now that you 2 are apart she's gone back to her old ways. Eating disorders a lot of times are a matter of control. It's the one thing in your life that is yours. You have total control over how much you eat, throw up, starve yourself... It's a control issue. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things by leaving her alone. Have you talked to her parents about her eating disorder? Are they aware of it? Maybe then they can help her if she isn't going to want to hear it from you. It sounds like she is doing "Ok". I wouldn't say that she is happy w/ her life. She's still eating and throwing up. That doesn't sound like a happy life. You sound like you did all of the right things. Just keep on doing what you're doing.

N0help4u · Aug 17, 2008, 07:03 AM

I agree with erin
The problem isn't with you, it is with her and she knows it deep down.
She doesn't want to face it so she went back to what she knows best and feels more comfortable with. Communicating and making a relationship work is just too difficult for her to handle.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 17, 2008, 07:15 AM

This young lady has some serious problems you are not equipped to help her with other than just being a friend.
You have told her you are there if she needs you, that is really all you can do at this point. You are dealing with addictions here, they cannot be "be nice and supportive" away. This young lady has to want help, professional help.
I wish you well.

Alucardius · Aug 17, 2008, 07:49 AM

Thank you so much again, you are really helping me!!

Her parents DO know about it,but they are helpless at this point, she goes to Serbia every summer to speak to different psychologists or whatever and to check her body. They think she has stopped with it and I don't want to get into her life anymore, she will tell them sooner or later, if they don't find out...

I will wait until she comes back here cause she will probably contact me and will want to talk, but if not, then NC continues, I'm don't have any issues to deal with and I'm strong enough to get over this...

talaniman · Aug 17, 2008, 05:07 PM

After reading around here, I went into NC with her,but still didn't get any reaction

NC is for you to heal, and get healthy enough to deal with life in a realistic way, and make better choices for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings, so stay with NC for yourself, not her, as this female has to many problems that you are not equipped to help her with, nor deal with them. Get emotionally healthy, and leave this sick person alone.

Peter Wilson · Aug 18, 2008, 05:53 AM

Sorry that I sounded a bit strong, but I know what you are going through, I have been through similar breakups and not known the reason why, or what I should do as my emotions were all mixed up.
How-ever, we cannot change others, just like no-one can change you, unless you decide to change.
You may look for consolation in a number of places, but eventually, you will end up where you started.
You may not believe in God, but God believes in you, He is waiting for you to turn to Him.
I know that you would like to find the easy way, but that will not give you the satisfaction that you want.
As some of the others have said, get yourself together, if you try to help some-one when you don't know where your headed,it is like the blind leading the blind and both will fall into the ditch.
Don't keep going around the mountain, start going up!
Cheers:)

Janmarie · Aug 18, 2008, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by Peter Wilson

Sorry that I sounded a bit strong, but I know what you are going through, I have been through similar breakups and not known the reason why, or what I should do as my emotions were all mixed up.
How-ever, we cannot change others, just like no-one can change you, unless you decide to change.
You may look for consolation in a number of places, but eventually, you will end up where you started.
You may not believe in God, but God believes in you, He is waiting for you to turn to Him.
I know that you would like to find the easy way, but that will not give you the satisfaction that you want.
As some of the others have said, get yourself together, if you try to help some-one when you don't know where your headed,it is like the blind leading the blind and both will fall into the ditch.
Don't keep going around the mountain, start going up!
Cheers:)

Okay Preacher ( and I say that with respect to your beliefs) But I don't think telling this man he is going to hell if he doesn't change his ways is doing him any good. But however, besides that he does need to find his own way to what works for him in healing. If you look at what he is saying, he does care deeply for her and I admire this in him where he stood beside her when most men would have freaked out and left. And I am sure many men reading this is wondering why he did stick around.

You found your peace in your religion which I hope you found your peace and not use religion as a cover up as so many do. But this isn't about you or your beliefs nor is it about mine or anyone else's. I see it as casting judgements. You have to be neutral, observe without judging if you want to help this person.

BetrayalBtCamp · Aug 18, 2008, 10:29 AM

As much as we love someone, no one can be forced to do the right thing otherwise this world could be a much better less hurtful one. Sometimes loving someone means loving them from a distance & letting them get to a point where help is possible which may or may not include you.

At this point, your only real choice is to make the best choices for you in order for you to keep a healthy good life for yourself. You can' make her have the same thing if she's not ready for that & it doesn't sound like she is, unfortunately. To do otherwise means a lot of hurt for you which probably won't be helpful to her anyway. Save yourself, you can't save her.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's hard to see someone we care about persist in wanting to crash & burn but in some cases, it's inevitable. For now, she is determined to keep hurting herself & no one will be able to help her until she wants that badly for herself. She has plenty of loving people in her life & has gotten some professional help but even though she may be doing her best to get better, it's going to be at a snail's pace. She is not going to be appreciative of your efforts to be there for her but the opposite in fact.

The most loving thing you can do for her right now, is to stay NC as you have been doing. Otherwise, she will just feel more pressured by you & she has enough issues to deal with as it is.