[Shadie]

Hi everyone. This is my fist post – I've been finding that reading all of the other user's questions / answers have been very helpful and I've gained a lot of insight from all of the information here. However… I can't help but feel that my situation is slightly different (don't we all I suppose) and I'm hoping to get some feedback please…

The long and short of it is this… together for 2 years – we of course had our ups and downs (like anyone) but overall we were happy, enjoyed eachother's company (best of friends), laughed together, had fun together, loved each other deeply, have a fulfilling physical relationship. We got together after we both came out of long term relationships (in our 30s, not living together).

Past disagreements have led him to say that he didn't think we should be together, and that he needed space etc, however this never lasted – within a few days we would always wind up back together like 2 peas in a pod. This time, he says it's for good… His decision came quite unexpectedly for me as things between us seemed to have gotten better / stronger. I am of course devastated and confused. I know that he still loves and cares for me, and he has expressed that he truly wants us to be able to remain friends if I am able, however he wants time and space to figure out who he really is and what he wants (he also indicated that he has been feeling that I am not the “one” for him).

I went through (and am going through) all of the textbook emotions and actions (basically I did the opposite of “no contact”) – it was so hard for me to believe that he could be serious. I made a genuine attempt to express how I felt, where I thought things had gone wrong (with no accusations or blame), and what I wanted to offer him as far as a solution to work things out - I made it clear that's what I hoped to do. Thus far he is still not willing to be open to fixing things. I decided to try the NC, which has been incredibly difficult. After one full day / night of zero contact, I received a text message asking how I'm doing. I answered that I'm doing "ok" (which I am truly not) – his response was that he's doing well (very casual, he doesn't appear to be experiencing the anguish I'm going through).

I love this man deeply, and I truly believe that if we both committed to putting in an effort to make amends we could be very happy together. I also realize that I can't make him do anything (nor do I want to) – I am hoping that some space and time will make him realize that the “one” was really right in front of him after all… but who knows. Any fortune tellers out there….?

[erin7799]

Oh God, please don't waste your life waiting for a man who told you he Doesn't want to be w/ you! You have ONE life. ONE. What if it takes him 10 years to get to where you are? How much you would've missed out on! He isn't the ONLY one out there! There is another who will WANT to be w/ you. ONE LIFE. GO LIVE IT!

[armylove]

Im in the same boat but we have been separated for about four months now he is in the army. He wanted to get married when he came back from basic training and adopt my kids. But for some reason now he wants his space, for me to stop texting him and calling him.

It is very hard to just stop calling and texting. We use to text every morning and lunch time and evening, to see how are days have been so far. I have this gut feeling that he is seeing someone else up there. He claims that he doesn't have the time and where would he see someone else!

I just don't know what to do anymore. I was not looking for a relationship but for some reason I went along with this set up from a co worker. This turned into someone I really fell in love with. We talked on the phone for six hours one night. I felt like I was back in high school. I told him that I just was not looking for a relationship cause all I do is wrk . I work seven days a week daycare and bartendrest on weekends. I work so mch due to a real bad heart brake I had with someone I was with for 9 yrs. After that I just gave up on dating and relationships. He even asked me that night on the phone if I gave up on love. I told him I never thaught about it. Till this day he puts a smile on my face when he text's or even calls. But he hasn't done that in a while. His be day is on July 26 and mine is july27 I sent him a laptop for his birthday and he told me that they haven't been able to go to the px. I don't care if he got me anything or not but I feel like he got upset cause I got him such a gift. He told me that I should have used the money on something more important. Well I hope that this makes you feel a litte better cause hey you are not the only one feeling like this. We just need to keep our chins up and smile like nothing is wrong.

I know that it is hard to do the NC cause I'm having that same prob. But just keep busy that is what I do and has been working so far. Try long walks and go to the gym if one is close by. Why ou will be surprised on how much wait you can loose just by working out. So when he sees you again he can wish he never said anything. GOOD LUCK TO US BOTH

[talaniman]

Keep the NC, and give your emotions time to adjust, if for no other reason than to make better decisions for yourself.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

As long as he knows you are still waiting patiently for him, he will keep you as an option but not his only one. He will be less likely to feel he is missing out on anything because you wll have let him keep the keys which open access to your heart & your time, wasting more of your life waiting for him to be what you want / need when that isn't possible without him wanting to be. And saying he doubts you're "the one" & needs "space" is a pretty clear signal he's looking for an "out", not a way to bring you guys closer together. He wants to keep shopping to see if he finds a better fit or whatever it is he is looking for, which in his eyes is not you at least at this point.

When he sees you respect yourself too much to let him be a cake eater & shut down his bakery access by taking back your life & heart from his hands, if he is indeed going to miss you & want you to be the only one, you'll see the needed changes to be safe in being with him again.

Until then, you are better off alone than lonely in a relationship with someone that doesn't respect you enough to make you the priority he is to you, as hurtful as it is to make a stand for yourself while your heart is still entangled with him as it is for now. No contact will make it easier to heal from this experience. Any contact you have with him right now is like continuing to pull the scab off your wound, & slow down your recovery significantly.

[0rphan]

It's a bit soon for any concrete discisions on either side, give it some time.

If you don't get back together, don't let him think that you are available to him, whenever he's got nothing better to do.

Respect yourself and move on.

[Shadie]

Thanks to everyone that took the time to post an answer. Ultimately I think that many of us are searching for the answer(s) that we really want to hear (at least sub-conciously). When those answers don't come, it pushes us to view the situation in a different light. In my case, although I agree with the opinions provided from all sides, I believe that at this point only time will tell... all of our situations may have similarities, but they are also unique - I don't know that there is a textbook answer out there for any of us... except that time will eventually heal all. Perhaps in a few weeks time I'll have this more sorted out...
Good luck to everyone... Cheers!

[BetrayalBtCamp]

I understand that with your history of "on again off again" it makes it easier to hope that things will turn out the way you want. And just because we KNOW something isn't going to work out that way, doesn't make it easier for our HEARTS to accept that truth.

While you are right that people are unique, there are some textbook answers that are universal. One is that you can't make someone care or act loving if they don't want to or are unable to for their own reasons, no matter how much you love them.

It is also understandable that this would be more of a shock if things seemed better & the breakup came totally unexpectedly. That would also make it easier for you to hope that things will get back to normal instead of the break being permanent.

However, to keep breaking up is never a good pattern for a healthy relationship & does a lot of damage. If you do reconcile, you will have to figure out a way to have a constructive conversation about that so it can be avoided in the future unless a real breakup is unavoidable. Otherwise you two will stay locked in a yoyo pattern that will breed insecurity & discontent.

A few more weeks will help you have a better perspective & as time goes on, it will be easier to deal with what you have to in order to take the best care of yourself.

I do hope things turn out well for you.